Artery : The study of paintings
Bacteria : Back door to the cafeteria
Barium : What undertakes do.
Caesarian section : A section of Rome
CAT scan : Searching for pussy.
Cauterise : Making eye contact with a woman
Dilate : To live a very old age.
Eneman : Somebody who's got it in for you.
Labour pain : Off on Workers Compensation.
Morbid : A higher offer at auction.
Nitrate : Cheaper than day rate
Post operative : A person who carries the mail
Recovery room : Where they do upholstery
Rectum : Damn near kill 'em!
Secretive : Hiding something.
Tablet : A little table.
Termianl illness : Getting sick at the bus depot.
Tumour : More than one more.
Urine : Opposite to "you're out!"
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Men
Why are men like babies?
They make a fuss whn you try to change them.
Why are men like vending machines?
They'll take your money and half the time they won't work.
How are men like bread?
They're easier to take when you butter them up.
How can you be sure a man is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What do men and floor tiles have in common?
If you lay them properly, you can walk over them forever.
Why are bachelors like used cars?
They're easy to find, cheap and unreliable.
"My boyfriend's a SNAG", said Jody. "A Sensitive New Age Guy."
"That's nice", replied Carol. "Mine's a Caring Understanding Nineties Type."
Why are all men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why is food better than men?
You don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
Why are men and parking spots similiar?
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. Men will scew anything.
What do toilet seats, anniversaries and a clitoris have in common?
Men miss them all.
Why do men marry women who remind them of their mothers?
Who else would put up with them.
They make a fuss whn you try to change them.
Why are men like vending machines?
They'll take your money and half the time they won't work.
How are men like bread?
They're easier to take when you butter them up.
How can you be sure a man is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What do men and floor tiles have in common?
If you lay them properly, you can walk over them forever.
Why are bachelors like used cars?
They're easy to find, cheap and unreliable.
"My boyfriend's a SNAG", said Jody. "A Sensitive New Age Guy."
"That's nice", replied Carol. "Mine's a Caring Understanding Nineties Type."
Why are all men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why is food better than men?
You don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
Why are men and parking spots similiar?
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. Men will scew anything.
What do toilet seats, anniversaries and a clitoris have in common?
Men miss them all.
Why do men marry women who remind them of their mothers?
Who else would put up with them.
Can I help you?
The young lawyer had just opened for business. He had been sitting behind his desk for a week when at last he saw a man come into his outer office. Quickly he picked up the phone and pretended to be negotiating a big deal. He spoke loudly about large sums of money and possible Court proceedings. When he hung up, he looked at the visitor and asked, "Can I help you?"
"Yes", said the man, "I've come to connect your phone."
"Yes", said the man, "I've come to connect your phone."
Some jokes
What do you call an uncircumcised Jewish child?
A girl
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Simon Solomon was at the funeral of a good friend when on of the mourners remembered he owed the deceased $100.
"I am a man of his word", he said putting ten $10 notes in the coffin.
This reminded another of the mourners. "I am also a man of my word", he said, coming froward and placing a $100 note in the coffin.
"I am also a man of conscience", said Simon. "I too owe our late friend $100." So he wrote a cheque for $300, put it in the coffin and took out the $200 change.
A girl
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Simon Solomon was at the funeral of a good friend when on of the mourners remembered he owed the deceased $100.
"I am a man of his word", he said putting ten $10 notes in the coffin.
This reminded another of the mourners. "I am also a man of my word", he said, coming froward and placing a $100 note in the coffin.
"I am also a man of conscience", said Simon. "I too owe our late friend $100." So he wrote a cheque for $300, put it in the coffin and took out the $200 change.
Chinese
"I've just been sexually molested by a Chinese laundry man!" she screamed to the copper.
"How did you know it was a Chinese laundry man?" asked the sergeant.
"Because he did the whole thing by hand."
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"How did you know it was a Chinese laundry man?" asked the sergeant.
"Because he did the whole thing by hand."
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How old, where I come from
Charlie was in grade one and he went over to check the new kid out.
"How old are you?", he asked.
"I don't know", said the new kid.
"Do women bother you?"
"No", said the new kid.
"Then you are five."
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"Dad, where do I come from?"
This was a question Dad dreaded hearing. He explained all aout the birds and the bees, about sperm and ejaculation, egg and ovulation and childbirth.
"Do you understand now?", asked Dad.
"Not really", said the boy. "Angelo said he comes from Italy and Jimmy Lee comes from Hong Kong. So where do I come from?"
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Tyrone, a young Aboriginal boy, was asking his father what an I.Q test meant.
"When you I.Q is over 120", replied his father, "you are consider ed to be ery intelligent. When it's around 100, you are average. When it's below 50, you're stupid. You wouldn't even be able to tie up your shoelaces."
"Is that why white fellas wear thongs?", asked Tyrone.
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"Mummy, where di I come from?"
"The stork brought you."
"And where did you come from, Mummy?"
"The stork brought me, too."
"And what about Grandman?"
"Yes, the stork brought her too."
"Gee, doesn't it ever worry you to think that there have been no natural births in our family for three generations?"
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"How old are you?", he asked.
"I don't know", said the new kid.
"Do women bother you?"
"No", said the new kid.
"Then you are five."
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"Dad, where do I come from?"
This was a question Dad dreaded hearing. He explained all aout the birds and the bees, about sperm and ejaculation, egg and ovulation and childbirth.
"Do you understand now?", asked Dad.
"Not really", said the boy. "Angelo said he comes from Italy and Jimmy Lee comes from Hong Kong. So where do I come from?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tyrone, a young Aboriginal boy, was asking his father what an I.Q test meant.
"When you I.Q is over 120", replied his father, "you are consider ed to be ery intelligent. When it's around 100, you are average. When it's below 50, you're stupid. You wouldn't even be able to tie up your shoelaces."
"Is that why white fellas wear thongs?", asked Tyrone.
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"Mummy, where di I come from?"
"The stork brought you."
"And where did you come from, Mummy?"
"The stork brought me, too."
"And what about Grandman?"
"Yes, the stork brought her too."
"Gee, doesn't it ever worry you to think that there have been no natural births in our family for three generations?"
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Answer to question
The farmer from Louisiana told the lawyer he wanted a divorce.
"Do you have grounds? asked the lawyer.
"I do", he said, "600 arces."
"Do you have a case?" asked the lawyer.
"No" said the farmer "I have an International Harvester."
"No,no Do you have a grudge?"
"Yes we have a double garage, because we have two cars."
"No!" said the lawyer, "Do you have a suit?"
"Only the one I'm wearing." was the reply.
"No, no.", said the lawyer impatiently. "Does your wife beat you up?"
"Never. I'm always up early, and she sleeps in until nine some mornings."
The lawyer was tearing his hair out. "Is she a nagger?"
"No" said the farmer "She's a white gal, but she gave birth to a boy yesterday and he's a nagger, so I want a divorce."
"Do you have grounds? asked the lawyer.
"I do", he said, "600 arces."
"Do you have a case?" asked the lawyer.
"No" said the farmer "I have an International Harvester."
"No,no Do you have a grudge?"
"Yes we have a double garage, because we have two cars."
"No!" said the lawyer, "Do you have a suit?"
"Only the one I'm wearing." was the reply.
"No, no.", said the lawyer impatiently. "Does your wife beat you up?"
"Never. I'm always up early, and she sleeps in until nine some mornings."
The lawyer was tearing his hair out. "Is she a nagger?"
"No" said the farmer "She's a white gal, but she gave birth to a boy yesterday and he's a nagger, so I want a divorce."
If you had been able to write
He was an uneducated youth. He left school at thirteen and there weren't too many job opportunities available to him. The only thing going was the job of a shit-house cleaner.
"Fill out this form," said the prospective employer.
"But I can't write", said the boy.
"Well", said the prospective employers, "you don't qualify for this job, so be on your way."
On the way home, the lad bought a box of apples for $2. He sold them around the neighbourhood for $6. He developed this idea and years later, finished up with a chain of 20 fruit and vegtable markets.
One day, his bank manager asked him to sign some papers.
"Can't write", he said.
The bank manager was amazed. "You can't write? My God! What would have been if you had been able to write!"
"A shit-house cleaner", came the reply.
"Fill out this form," said the prospective employer.
"But I can't write", said the boy.
"Well", said the prospective employers, "you don't qualify for this job, so be on your way."
On the way home, the lad bought a box of apples for $2. He sold them around the neighbourhood for $6. He developed this idea and years later, finished up with a chain of 20 fruit and vegtable markets.
One day, his bank manager asked him to sign some papers.
"Can't write", he said.
The bank manager was amazed. "You can't write? My God! What would have been if you had been able to write!"
"A shit-house cleaner", came the reply.
Funny strange wish
A man is walking on a beach when a bottle washes up on the shore. He opens it and a genie appears and grants him any one wish.
But he's a little embarrassed about his wish, so he whispers it in the genie's ear.
"Tonight at midnight," says the Genie, "your front doorbell will ring and your wish will be granted." He rushes home and waits excitedly. As the clock chimes twelve, the doorbell rings. He opens the door and see 3 jockeys standing there wearing white hoods and holding a noose.
"Are you the guy who wants to be hungs like a donkey?" they ask.
But he's a little embarrassed about his wish, so he whispers it in the genie's ear.
"Tonight at midnight," says the Genie, "your front doorbell will ring and your wish will be granted." He rushes home and waits excitedly. As the clock chimes twelve, the doorbell rings. He opens the door and see 3 jockeys standing there wearing white hoods and holding a noose.
"Are you the guy who wants to be hungs like a donkey?" they ask.
Men want to be smarter ....
Three men are are walking down the beach when they find an old lantern in the sand. OIne gives it a rub and a genie appears. The genie says, "You can have one wish each."
The first guy thinks for a few minutes and says, "I would like to be a hundred times smarter than I am now."
"Your wish is granted," says the genie.
The second guy blurts out, "I'd like to be a thousand times smarter than I am now."
"Your wish is granted," says the genie.
The third guy thinks hard and long and decides. "I would like to be ten housand times smarter than I am now."
The genie grants his wish, and he turns into a woman.
The first guy thinks for a few minutes and says, "I would like to be a hundred times smarter than I am now."
"Your wish is granted," says the genie.
The second guy blurts out, "I'd like to be a thousand times smarter than I am now."
"Your wish is granted," says the genie.
The third guy thinks hard and long and decides. "I would like to be ten housand times smarter than I am now."
The genie grants his wish, and he turns into a woman.
Magic Lantern
"Could I rub the lantern?" said the barman.
"Certainly", said the drunk.
The barman rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared.
"What is your one wish?" said the genie.
"I wish I had a million bucks", said the barman, and instantly the bar was full of ducks - a million of them.
"I forget to tell you", said the drunk, "the genie's got very poor hearing."
"Certainly", said the drunk.
The barman rubbed the lamp and a genie appeared.
"What is your one wish?" said the genie.
"I wish I had a million bucks", said the barman, and instantly the bar was full of ducks - a million of them.
"I forget to tell you", said the drunk, "the genie's got very poor hearing."
24 Reasons Why Women Prefer Chocolate to Sex
- You can get plenty of chocolate.
- Chocolate satisfies you even when it goes soft.
- You can safely have chocolate while you're driving.
- You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
- You can have chocolate anywhere (even in front of your mother).
- If bite the nuts too hard, chocolate won't mind.
- You can have chocolate on your desk without upsetting your workmates.
- Two women can have chocolate together and not be called dykes.
- You can ask a stranger for chocolate and not get a bad reputation.
- You won't get hair in your mouth when you suck on chocolate.
- "If you love me, you'll swallow it" has real meaning with chocolate.
- With chocolate there's no need to fake enjoyment.
- Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
- You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
- It's easy to find good chocolate.
- You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
- You're never too old for chocolate.
- When you're having chocolate, it doesn't keep anyone awake in the next room.
- Even small chocolates are good.
- You don't have to beg to get chocolate.
- You can have chocolate with kids and not go to jail.
- Choclate doesn't keep you awake snoring after you've had it.
- You can have chocolate all weekend and still walk OK on Monday.
- It's easy to find eight inches of chocolate.
No more Easter Holidays?
As the shop steward passed his local Church, the large sign proclaimed, "Jesus Lives!" Hurrying to the Union office, he worriedly queried, "Does this mean no more Easter holidays?"
Jokes about Men - The Rules According to a Woman
- The woman always makes the Rules.
- The Rulesw are subject to change at any time without prior notification
- No man can possibly know all the Rules
- If the woman suspects the man knows the Rules, she must immediately change some or all of the Rules.
- The woman is never wrong
- If the woman is wrong, it is due to misunderstanding, which was a direct result of something the man did or said.
- The man must apologise immediately for causing said misunderstanding.
- The woman may change her mind at any time.
- The man must never change his mind without the express written consent of the woman.
- The woman has every right to be angry and/or upset at any time.
- The man must remain calm at all times unless the woman wants him to be angry and /or upset.
- The woman must, under no circumstances, let the man know whether or not she wants him to be angry and/or upset.
- The man is expected to mind-read at all times.
- The man who doesn't abide by the Rules can't take the heat, lacks backbone and is a wimp.
- Any attempt to document the Rules could result in bodily harm.
- If the woman has PMT, all the Rules are null and void.
- The woman is ready when shi is ready.
- The man must be ready at all times.
Dogs are better than women because.....
- Dogs don't cry
- Dogs love it when your friends come over
- Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo
- Dogs think you're a great singer
- Dogs don't expect you to call when you run late
- The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you
- Dogs will forgive you for playing around with other dogs
- Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name
- Dogs are excited by rough play
- Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away
- Dogs understand that farts are funny
- Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair
- Dogs like it when you leave things on the floor
- A dog's disposition stays the same all month long
- Dogs never need to examine the relationship
- Dogs parents never visit
- Dogs love long car trips
- Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions
- Dogs never criticise
- Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across
- Dogs never expect gifts
- Dogs don't worry about germs
- Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you've ever had
- Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives
- Dogs would rather you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one
- Dogs don't keep you waiting
- Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public
- Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk
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