Beware Accounts! Beware Accounts! They are All MINE!

BEWARE! Articles posted under the catogery "Accounts" are deeper, more personal articles that are posted here for my own accountabilities. Thus no reference are to those articles. Although blog is a public domain, I beseech readers to take a responsible role to manage what you read. If you can handle that, just skip those articles under "Accounts" or perhaps you can teach me how to post but not allow people to read it unless with permission.... without making this blog totally private

Fantasy Flight Games

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Shy Singapore men hire coaches to find partners

Shy Singapore men hire coaches to find partners

By Simin Wang | AFP News – Wed, Mar 30, 2011 5:14 PM SGT
..

..At 17, Xavier See was an insecure school dropout with very few friends, little luck with girls and a bad stutter.

"Physically I was out of shape, my skin saw way too little sun and I had terrible hair. Socially, due to my poor looks and grooming, I had poor self-confidence. I never imagined anyone would take me seriously," he says.

But after discovering a vibrant online dating community and hiring a social coach to solve his teenage woes, he is a changed man at 23.

The self-assured, fashion-conscious See is now a professional dating coach and teaches other Singaporean men how to transform themselves and win women's hearts -- for a fee of Sg$1,800 ($1,400) for an intensive three-day course.

"Men who take my classes just want to be able to have the confidence and skills needed to sweep women off their feet so that when the (right) one comes along, they will be ready and able to get her," he says.

With 43 percent of Singaporean men between 30 and 34 -- the prime marrying age -- unattached, See has plenty of potential clients in the wealthy city.

Among women in the same age group, singles make up 31 percent, resulting in an imbalance against the men, who also have to compete with foreign professionals working in Singapore in wooing local girls.

See conducts one-on-one as well as group workshops to teach Singaporeans how to be the partner women want by understanding social dynamics and dating techniques.

He also takes them on "field trips" to bookstores, cafes, streets and clubs to interact with women they have never met before.

In his workshops, See demonstrates how he himself approaches women, and then watches how the students do it.

See, a dating coach for a US-based company called 24/7 Attractive Man, said he has seen a steady increase in clients from 50 in 2009 to 140 in 2010.

Another dating coach who asked to be identified only as "Skilldo" has also seen a rise in students since he started his "boot camps" in 2007.

"Through our system of growing up in a conservative Asian society, we definitely do not dare to take as much social risk as (men in) other countries," Skilldo said.

He says he has taught more than 700 students, including young men who want to find girlfriends and divorced men who want to learn how to date again.

Several Singapore dating coaches promise results as long as their students constantly practise what they have learned, work on their voice and speech and memorise pick-up lines.

"Guys currently do not socialise. They would work, they would play computer games, but their social skills are very low," said 32-year-old salesman Ryan Tan, who took up dating classes in 2008 to improve his image.

He credits his two dating coaches for helping him court his current girlfriend of two years, 35-year-old Theresa Low, whom he plans to marry this year.

Men in their twenties are also jumping in early to get a headstart.

"Certain people need it, especially the ones who are too nice and those with no confidence in themselves," said a 21-year-old dating-course student who wanted to be known as Mike.

Mike joined See's dating course in March, learning dating jargon and rules such as staying in the line of sight of his target.

Some of these concepts originated from the 2005 book titled "The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists" by an American writer, Neil Strauss, who investigated the underground world of pick-up artists.

Other coaches have tricks up their sleeves, in a manner of speaking.

Derick Ho, 29, from magic school Secret Skills, has conducted courses on magic and dating since 2007.

"Other than breaking the ice more easily, magic is very charismatic," Ho claims. "It is a different value or skill that not many people have."

Magic spices up boring conversations, makes women smile and helps a man appear more fun to be with, Ho added.

"It doesn't matter if I do it wrongly because you're making fun of me, you're laughing at me. It is chemistry."
...

Quoted: http://sg.news.yahoo.com/shy-singapore-men-hire-coaches-partners-20110330-021416-090.html

10 Ways to Get Your Marriage Back on Track.

10 Ways to Get Your Marriage Back on Track.

by Woman's Day, on Wed Mar 9, 2011 12:16pm PST

By Kimberly Dawn Neumann

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes happily ever after. End of story, right? Not quite… While it’s true that couples relax a bit after they think they’ve nabbed the matrimonial Holy Grail, the reality is that they may also find themselves dumbfounded if their fairytale starts slipping away. “Many people think that marriage is about marrying the right person, so when things go wrong, they automatically go to the ‘Crap, I accidentally married the wrong person’ place,” says Alisa Bowman, author of Project: Happily Ever After. “Although you do want to marry someone you are basically compatible with, marriage has a lot less to do with marrying the right person than it has to do with doing the right things with the person you married.” In other words, relationships are a constant work in progress. To keep the happy connection that made you say “I do” in the first place—or maybe even create a newer-and-improved version—try out these 10 tips to rehab your romance.

1. Nurture yourself.

Marriage is about giving, but don’t make the mistake of giving too much. “To have a good marriage, you need to be a good you,” says Bowman. “Learn how to prioritize and put boundaries around activities that keep you healthy and whole—activities like rest, relaxation, fitness and time with friends.” In other words, remember that scheduling “me” time into your day is not selfish, it’s a necessity. It will strengthen your relationship because you’ll have a saner version of “you” to bring to the “us” equation.

2. Define your problems.

Spend some time looking at your relationship and figure out which parts work and which parts don’t. Bowman suggests that you take a moment to imagine a perfect day in your perfect relationship. What would this look like? How would you and your partner interact? Then create a plan of how you might get from point A (your current reality) to point B (that perfect day). Write it down if you need to, then start breaking the issues into bite-size pieces and tackling them one at a time. Before you know it, there will only be a few bite-size problems left.

3. Make a financial plan together.

Money is one of the biggest stressors in a marriage. Couples worry and argue about it constantly. If you find you and your spouse are starting to badger each other over the bottom line, it’s time to have a penny-pinching powwow. “We are all guilty of something economists call ‘passive decision-making,’ which just means defaulting to the easy option,” says Jenny Anderson, coauthor of Spousonomics: Using Economics to Master Love, Marriage, and Dirty Dishes. “Couples need to make an active plan about how they will manage their money: Combine it? Separate it? Create a joint account and keep some separate? Whatever the decision, both people have to be part of the decision to do it and then figure out what needs to be done to keep the system humming.”

4. Use the three-sentence rule.

When you need to ask your partner for something that could be misconstrued as nagging, keep the request at three sentences—max. “The art of being assertive without coming off as aggressive lies in being succinct and using a warm tone of voice and body language,” says Bowman. “When you keep your requests to three sentences or fewer, it’s almost impossible to blame, use sarcasm or use put-downs.” It’s also a lot more likely that you’ll get your point across without losing your spouse’s attention. Make your request with a smile. Be sincere and encouraging. You might even rest your hand on his thigh as you say, “Honey, the house is a mess and I am exhausted. Could you help me clean this place up? I could really use your help.”

5. Take your fighting gloves off.

Don’t duke it out. Instead, consider taking a time-out. “There's a concept called 'loss aversion' in economics, which simply means we really hate to lose. And when we think we are losing, we fight like there is no tomorrow to try to win,” says Anderson. “It happens when couples talk about hot-button issues like sex, housework, money or the kids. If either person thinks he or she is losing, he or she will ratchet up the stakes and escalate the issue.” The next time you see a spousal spat going to a not-so-happy place, take a break and revisit the subject when neither one of you feels overwhelmed by the topic.

6. Just do it.

Yes, by “do it” we mean have sex. Intimacy is an important part of a vital relationship, and one of the first areas to suffer if feelings are floundering. But sexual encounters can also be one of the quickest ways to reconnect and rekindle with your partner. “Of the many forms of couple intimacy—a smile across a room, a kiss, a touch—sex has the potential to be the most powerful positive physical experience most of us enjoy,” says Joel D. Block, PhD, coauthor of Sex Comes First: 15 Ways to Save Your Relationship…Without Leaving Your Bedroom. “This is especially true if sex results in emotional fulfillment, better communication, security and reassurance."

7. Burn your grudges.

It’s time to set some bad memories on fire. Literally. Sometimes hanging on to those “Do you remember the time you did such and such?” moments are the things that lead to relationship sabotage. Instead of carrying grudges around forever, torch them. “Write them all down on a piece of paper. Then set a timer for a certain amount of time. It might be 10 minutes. It might be 30. It might be the whole day. The point is: Give yourself as long as you need to really wallow in the misery of these grudges. Savor them. Get angry about them. Mutter about them. Do whatever you need to do to get sick and tired of them,” says Bowman. “Once you are done, say, ‘I will not think about these anymore. These grudges have lost their usefulness.’” Then take a match and burn them.

8. Don’t be overly confident.

Overconfidence can lead to complacency, which is not good for any relationship. According to Anderson, in a survey published in August 1993 in the journal Law and Human Behavior, couples who had recently applied for a marriage license were asked to estimate the average rate of divorce. Almost uniformly, they accurately predicted about 50 percent. Then they were asked to estimate the chances that they would get divorced. They answered zero percent. The problem with this statistic is that, if there is no perceived risk of failure, no “work” is put into maintaining the relationship—until it’s suddenly faltering. Don’t let yourself gloss over the little things. Don’t forget to make an effort to keep your romance alive. Don’t find yourself in a situation where you realize that you could have done more…when it’s already too late.

9. Write your spouse’s eulogy.

This one isn’t as macabre as it sounds. It’s more of an exercise in appreciation. Bowman suggests that you work on it a little at a time as a way to notice what your spouse does right (since these are the things you’d likely eulogize him with, not the negatives). “Think back over the years you’ve known this man. When did he make you laugh? When did he make you cry tears of joy? When did he surprise you? When did he feed the cat because the smell of cat food makes you want to hurl? Put it in the eulogy,” says Bowman. “The funeral fantasy will help you remember to appreciate your spouse.”

10. Remind yourself you have a choice to stay married.

Many people stay in troubled marriages because they believe they have no other choice. “They think that they are stuck, and they blame this sensation of being stuck on their spouse. But if you are stuck, it’s your fault and not your spouse’s,” says Bowman. That fact is, “you are not stuck; you have choices. Three of them: Do nothing and remain miserable; face your fears and try to save your marriage; ask for a divorce.” Choose to either be married or not. Make a choice. And wake up every morning and make that choice again. The surest path to happiness is knowing that you are not a helpless damsel in distress, but rather a woman who can make her own decisions. You have the choice to live happily ever after.

Quoted: http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/10-ways-to-get-your-marriage-back-on-track-2463226/


Filled with the Holy Spirit

Ephesians 5:18: "Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit."

There is something about living here on Earth that makes us feel empty. Whether Christian or Non-Christian, we all try to fill ourselves with something. Perhaps more so with non-believers than believers, we may try to fill ourselves with the things of this world. We do what we can to fill ourselves and drown in pleasures of the mind and body.

God makes it clear, that once we start living for Him, we are no longer allowed to live as we once did. Our old life is dead, and we need to accept that. We can no longer give in to the temptation of the flesh, which was given to losing control. Self-control is very important to God. Consider 2 Peter 1:5-7 "For this reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness, and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness, love."

Instead of filling ourselves with things which fade, change, and will ultimately disappear over time, we are to fill our hearts and our minds with things which last forever. Ephesians 5 suggests filling ourselves with God Himself. God does not desire us to be little puppets or minions that do His will. He does, however, want us to be open to Him and His promptings.

This past month, you have been challenged to dwell on the Holiness of God. How has your perspective changed concerning our Holy Christ?

Living Life

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Holy Trinity, Holy One

Our God is a Trinitarian God. as Christians, we may be able to accept all of this, but when you are asked by a non-believer, how are you going to be able to answer? Perhaps one way to consider the trinity of God is to consider the elements on Earth. For example, here on earth, water is naturally found as a solid, liquid, and a gas. Water is water in all these different states. It never fails to be water at any point, and it always maintains its integrity throughout. While these different states of matter change in how they may look and feel and be experienced depending on the circumstance, they are all nonetheless water. This is not an answer to the question of the trinity, but it does make it easier to accept. God the Father is one state or form of God; God the Son, and all of them have different purposes. None ever ceased to exist, and all will continue to exist. We do serve one God, but in three different persons, or forms. J.I.Packer writes, "The practical importance of the doctrine of the Trinity is that it requires us to pay equal attention, and give equal honor, to all three persons in the unity of their gracious ministry to us. That ministry is the subject matter of the gospel." We may not know why God exists the way He does or how. What we do know, however, is that the existence of the Trinity is important, and that is what we need to be focusing on. Living Life

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

a clearer hearing and hunger for God's word, vision and dreams

Here are the items that I will be praying and fasting a daily meal for the next 21 days. The daily meal will be dinner more likely. The items on the agenda for God to speak and for me to hear about are as follows:

1. Event that cause me to change from feeling to thinking -> the last straw that breaks the camel back What were I feeling then? How did I deal with it then? How would the Lord want me to deal with it differently?

2. Mate - What are the qualities that I need in a partner / What are the qualities that I want in a partner

3. Witness, as per dream, the recovery of cancer of Zhan ke

4. The proposal of a plan to be blessed for a quarter of a million, not of our own fundings, but external fundings that will be brought to our family for the purpose of finding a home to stay in Singapore. This is to enable me, if in your will, to do and serve your will in Singapore.


I commit all the above 4 items into your hands. If anything will to be added or spoken otherwise, God you are the Boss...You make the call... ok :) ...


Here is a fifth item: TGIF. That Your presence will be there to touch lives.....and also may Your will be done. Also the boldness for all of us to invite people for the event. All event related blessing and barriers clears in Jesus' Name. Amen


Thank you and all these I pray in Jesus' Name, Amen

3 tips for dealing with jealousy

3 tips for dealing with jealousy

By Bob Strauss

One of the things that makes “jealousy” such a loaded word is that it’s really a concoction of various other emotions, the exact recipe for which depends on the individual. As Dr. Scott Haltzman, author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men, phrases it, jealousy “is the fear or worry that someone with whom you have an emotional relationship may be experiencing an attraction toward another person... it generates a host of emotions, such as sadness and inadequacy, or rage and desire for retribution. The sadness comes from the fear of losing the object of your love, and the rage comes from a desire to have it back.”

Fear, worry, sadness, inadequacy, rage — as stark as those emotions sound, you may be surprised to learn that a little jealousy is perfectly healthy (and even normal) in a relationship. No jealousy at all — or huge, seething buckets of it — are a good indication that something has gone amiss. So how do you know if you’re feeling the “right” amount of jealousy, and how do you express it without driving your significant other crazy? Here are some tips.

1. Be honest with yourself. According to Dr. Ish Major, author of Little White Whys: A No Nonsense Guide to the Lies Men Tell in Relationships and Why, some men feel so secure in themselves and in the fidelity of their partners that they experience no jealous feelings whatsoever. Aside from these lucky guys, Major says, most men who refuse to admit to jealousy fall into one of two camps: either “they aren’t paying attention and have no clue that they should feel jealous,” or “they simply don’t care... this type of guy would be more than happy if someone (other than himself) would come and sweep a partner off of her feet and right out of his life.”

Clearly, it’s better to acknowledge (at least to yourself, and perhaps to trusted friends or relatives) the little bit of jealousy you do feel, rather than letting it fester for weeks or months only to explode at a melodramatic moment. Sometimes, just sitting down and writing in a journal will help you to objectively assess your feelings; perusing a hastily scribbled entry, like “Mamie should have been home from the grocery store 20 minutes ago! I KNOW she’s been flirting with the floor manager!” will hopefully make you feel ridiculous enough that you’ll do something more productive than obsessing over your significant other.

2. Express your feelings appropriately. Sometimes, as with that grocery store fantasy, jealousy-provoking scenarios are best left unshared with your partner. If you do decide to unload, Dr. Haltzman says, you should keep in mind that “expressing jealousy is a double-edged sword. It says ‘I care about you enough to be jealous,’ but it also says ‘I don’t trust you.’ I think it’s more important to talk about the experiences that lead to jealousy rather the jealousy itself. So instead of saying ‘I’m really jealous of the time you’re spending with Tommy,’ you might say, ‘I have to admit, I’m a little jealous that you and Tommy went to the movies and then went out afterward.’”

Granted, very few people can discuss their jealous feelings so rationally and calmly. Says Dr. Major, “It’s rarely helpful to express full-fledged anger over an issue that has made you jealous. You can never control a person to determine who flirts with whom and what their respective responses are; just make sure you’re doing everything you should as a mate, because you’re the only one you can fully control in this equation.” What are the signs that you’ve taken your jealous feelings too far? One clue, Dr. Major quips, is that “you notice children and strangers looking on in horror and snapping pictures of you with their phones.”

3. If you’re not feeling it, don’t be afraid to fake it. “Some, if not most, women are absolutely flattered when their partners get jealous,” says Dr. Major. “Think Marilyn Monroe. Think Scarlett O’Hara. For women, a partner’s jealousy serves a multitude of purposes, not the least of which is letting them know they still ‘have it’ and somebody wants it. It also lets them know you’re paying attention and you care.” Not surprisingly, Dr. Major adds, “I am a strong advocate of feigned jealousy. I have used it personally and at times I’ve advised friends and patients to do the same.”

Dr. Haltzman points out, of course, that feigning jealousy (and expressing it) can have unforeseen consequences. “Some women worry that if a guy isn’t jealous, he might not care enough about her. Early in the courtship, she might use jealousy to get the man to pay more attention. If he seems disinterested, she’ll go off and talk to someone else and becomes a more ‘valuable’ partner because other people are attracted to her.” The trouble, Dr. Haltzman concludes, is that “if a woman is used to seeing jealousy as proof of attraction, she may worry when the jealousy disappears” — leading to a vicious cycle of jealousy and jealousy-provoking behavior. What’s the lesson in all of this? Tread carefully when feeling or expressing jealousy, but a little bit can be a good thing!

Bob Strauss is a freelance writer and children’s book author who lives in New York City. He’s also written the Dinosaur guide on About.com, the online information network owned by the New York Times.

Quoted: http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=11425&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=741576


Loving without Reward

Whenever we give something, we expect a reward. We want something back for what we have given. Even when we offer God our worship and praise, or whenever we sacrifice ""our" time and money, we expect God to repay with something. This is part of our selfish nature. And in some respects, it is only natural to expect God to act in the same way. But our God is the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. He has no needs. Our prayers do not make Him stronger, money does not make Him more capable, and worship does not make Him smarter or immortal. God does not "get" anything from us because He has already given us everything we have. God does not ask us to give our lives to Him because He has ulterior motives. God simply desires love from His creation; all of His creation. This is why He is a God who does not show paritality or take bribes - as our offerings and sacrifices can become at times. He is the God of the orphan and widom, who have nothing to bribe, much less offer. He is the God of the foreigner and stranger, because we are all strangers in this land, citizens of another place.

Slave or king, God is Lord over them all. John Piper challenges us to think of ourselves in this humble manner: "If we will recognize our widow-like, orphan-like, refugee-like condition of helplessness, and rely on free grace from a self-sufficient Savior, then we will be loved forever. And being loved like this, we will have power and pleasure in loving like we are loved."

God is love, and God desires love. that is all there is to it. Why be prideful? Where does that take us, except further from Christ? We have already been justificed by Christ. Now we need to take up the challenge to let ourselves be made Holy by a Holy God.

Living Life

Monday, March 28, 2011

What does the Bible say about masturbation and mutual masturbation?

by Ray (Ohio) Rick Brentlinger
Answers -

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ray writes: "I grew up in the Catholic Church and was told that masturbation is a sin... I have researched... and discovered that it is never mentioned in the Bible."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I think you are correct, that masturbation as such, is not specifically mentioned in the Bible. The passage most people use, as if it refers to masturbation, is Genesis 38:4 and 8-9. This passage does not mention masturbation.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I came to the conclusion that it is not wrong."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There are other things to consider beyond the fact that there is not a specific verse prohibiting masturbation.

The problem with assuming masturbation is not wrong is the thoughts and fantasies a man tends to indulge while masturbating. And some men masturbate while watching porn.

To conclude that that conduct is not wrong is a false conclusion, in my opinion.

"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord." -Psalm 19:14

Jesus told us that what we think can cause us to sin.

"But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell." -Matthew 5:28-29, NIV

When the children of Israel moved into the land of Canaan (what today we call Israel or Palestine), God commanded them to destroy all the pictures of the Canaanites.

"Then ye shall drive out all the inhabitants of the land from before you, and destroy all their pictures, and destroy all their molten images, and quite pluck down all their high places:" -Numbers 33:52

The ancient Canaanites had pornographic images of people having sex on their pottery, their drinking vessels, in murals on their walls, floors and ceilings.

These images were often made to honor the fertility goddess. Their sexual activity linked to fertility goddess worship was specifically forbidden by God in Leviticus 18 and 20.

So, while it is technically correct to say that the Bible has no specific commandment against masturbation, if we are honest, we have to conclude that the illicit imaginings, daydreams and fantasies which often accompany masturbation are most definitely sinful.

All sin begins in the heart.

Ralph Waldo Emerson, a close friend of Henry David Thoreau and owner of the little cabin where Thoreau stayed on Walden Pond, put it this way.

"Sow a thought and you reap an action;

sow an act and you reap a habit;

sow a habit and you reap a character;

sow a character and you reap a destiny."

"Can a man take fire in his bosom and his clothes not be burned?" -Proverbs 6:27

It is not reasonable to believe that one can masturbate on a regular basis or engage in mutual masturbation without indulging lustful fantasy in one's mind. And according to Jesus, that is sin. So while there is not a clear command of scripture against masturbation, scripture is clear that we are not to entertain lustful thoughts.

"For as he thinketh in his heart so is he." -Proverbs 23:7

"And the LORD saith, Because they have forsaken my law which I set before them, and have not obeyed my voice, neither walked therein; But have walked after the imagination of their own heart, and after Baalim, which their fathers taught them:" -Jeremiah 9:13-14

"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?" -Jeremiah 17:9 "For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies:" -Matthew 15:19, spoken by Jesus

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"My question is, another single Christian friend and I were talking about my research and he asked me, "Well then would mutual masturbation be ok?" I set out to find the answer to that question and hit a brick wall. Is there anything in the Bible that covers that question?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes, I think there are verses which deal with people's behavior in sexual situations, some of which we've already listed. While these passages do not specifically address mutual masturbation, they do offer us principled guidelines to ensure that our conduct is pleasing to God.

"Now these things (from the Old Testament) were our examples, to the intent we should not lust after evil things, as they also lusted. Neither be ye idolaters, as were some of them; as it is written, The people sat down to eat and drink, and rose up to play. Neither let us commit fornication, as some of them committed, and fell in one day three and twenty thousand. Now all these things happened unto them for ensamples: and they are written for our admonition, upon whom the ends of the world are come." -1 Corinthians 10:6-11

The experiences of the Israelites are examples for us and God expects us to heed the lessons we can learn from their experiences. "And when Moses saw that the people were naked; (for Aaron had made them naked unto their shame among their enemies:)" -Exodus 32:25

The passage does not say that they were masturbating but it is clear that they were worshiping an idol, were naked and were having sex with people to whom they were not married.

The scriptural cure for sexual lust is not necessarily masturbation and certainly not mutual masturbation with someone with whom you are not in committed partnership.

The scriptural cure for sexual lust is marriage with an orientation compatible partner.

"Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband." -1 Corinthians 7:2

The passage addresses male-female relationships because those cover the vast majority, about 95% of humanity. For the 5% of humanity who are same sex attracted, precisely the same principle applies, yet with an orientation compatible partner.

1.Notice that scripture views sexual relationships involving one with whom you are not in committed partnership as fornication.

2.Notice further that to avoid fornication, we are counseled to have an orientation compatible partner with whom we can meet our physical, sexual needs.

3.Notice yet further that married couples (committed partners) are to meet each others sexual needs. Mutual masturbation is not mentioned as a God-approved outlet.

"The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency." 1 Corinthians 7:4-5

Hope this answer is helpful to your spiritual life and causes you to draw closer to our Lord who loves you and bought you with His own precious blood.

Remember that our goal as Christians is not to see how much we can get away with because there isn't a specific scriptural command against it. Our goal as Christians is to glorify God in every area of our lives, including our thoughts.

Quoted: http://www.gaychristian101.com/what-does-the-bible-say-about-masturbation-and-mutual-masturbation.html

Are nocturnal emissions or wet dreams normal or sinful?

by Interested Reader (USA) Rick Brentlinger Answers -

"If any man among you becomes unclean because of a nocturnal emission, then he shall go outside the camp. He shall not come inside the camp," -Deuteronomy 23:10, ESV

"None of the offspring of Aaron who has a leprous disease or a discharge may eat of the holy things until he is clean. Whoever touches anything that is unclean through contact with the dead or a man who has had an emission of semen," -Leviticus 22:4, ESV

Masturbation is a common human experience yet the Bible does not specifically mention or forbid it.

Scripture does mention nocturnal emissions (also called wet dreams) in Leviticus 15:16, 32, 22:4 and Deuteronomy 23:10-11, about which, some thoughts.

Define Nocturnal Emission

"A nocturnal emission is a common biological function of the male body, a spontaneous ejaculation of semen while a man is sleeping.

This spontaneous ejaculation is necessary because a healthy male body constantly produces semen.

If a man does not have the outlet of intercourse or masturbation, the male body naturally expels the excess semen via nocturnal emissions."

1.Nocturnal emissions by themselves are not sinful because they are natural, involuntary and spontaneous.

2.Nocturnal emissions are designed by God to allow the male body to relieve itself naturally.

3.Some believe that nocturnal emissions are the result of indulging lustful fantasies or watching porn, although that is more conjecture than demonstrable fact.

4.Nocturnal emissions are sometimes but not always, accompanied by vivid sexual dreams. While the physical process of the nocturnal emission is not sinful of itself, as Christian men, we need to be careful not to feed sexual fantasies which lead us into sin.

5.We are encouraged to regulate our thoughts instead of indulging in sinful sexual fantasy.

"Finally, brethren,

whatsoever things are true,

whatsoever things are honest,

whatsoever things are just,

whatsoever things are pure,

whatsoever things are lovely,

whatsoever things are of good report;

if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." -Philippians 4:8

We've already discussed how fantasy, lust and wicked imaginations which often accompany masturbation, ARE sinful.

Is masturbation always sinful?

But what happens if someone masturbates without thinking lustful thoughts or has a nocturnal emission with or without lustful dreams?

The common sense answer seems to be, masturbating without sinful sexual thoughts would be like a nocturnal emission - a natural, God-given outlet which is not sinful.

A nocturnal emission, with or without sexual dreams, is an involuntary thing and therefore, is not sinful. While some might define nocturnal emissions or the vivid sexual dreams which sometimes accompany them, as sin, that is only someone's personal opinion. The Bible doesn't specifically address those issues.

Masturbation is also something which the Bible says nothing about and therefore, it is a matter of personal, individual conscience.

However, let's be completely honest. How many times does anyone masturbate without thinking lustful thoughts? While the 'relieve sexual tension' argument has some merit, nocturnal emissions appear to be God's built-in way to relieve sexual tension rather than habitual masturbation.

"But fornication, and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not be once named among you, as becometh saints;" -Ephesians 5:3

Christian author Steve Geralli, in his book, The Struggle, addresses the topic of masturbation this way.

“If we’re honest we’d have to agree that sexual thoughts, desires, arousal and even lust precede the need to masturbate. Once orgasm occurs, all of that is gone.

Masturbation is the end of lust, not the beginning of lust. Masturbation isn’t lust nor does it feed lust. It ends lustful episodes.

…there are many godly men and women who believe that because masturbation follows the lust and shuts down the process, it becomes the way out (1 Corinthians 10:13), that many people pray for.

For these people, this deliverance from lust makes masturbation a gift from God.”

This is an age-old question

Struggling with lust is not necessarily a new situation. Ancient cultures placed pornographic images on their pottery, their dishes, in their floor, wall and ceiling murals. Carved stone and cast metal statues glorifying the human body decorated ancient streets. Ancient literature and plays are replete with illicit sexuality and images designed to provoke lust.

Part of our difficulty in modern times is that we are constantly bombarded with sexual images in advertising, on TV, in movies, on the Internet, in magazines, newspapers, books, billboards, in novels, on transit bus advertising. Everywhere we look, everything we hear, from music to opera to podcasts injects sexual innuendo into our minds.

How do we deal with this sexually suggestive onslaught in a way that pleases our Savior? God leaves many things in the realm of personal choice. God gives us latitude to make decisions based on conscience and the leading of the Holy Spirit.

As human beings, God gave us a conscience to regulate our behavior in areas where He has not given specific commands. Hollywood movies, consuming beverage alcohol, going to casinos, reading novels, mowing the yard on Sunday afternoon and masturbating are all areas on which Christians hold differing views.

In no way is this an argument for sexual sin

It is important to note that frequency of masturbation factors into our discussion. Compulsive masturbation is more a clinical problem, different from occasional masturbation to relieve the build-up of semen.

Compulsive masturbators who regularly indulge sexual fantasy, using masturbation as a primary sexual outlet, rob themselves of the ability to enjoy true intimacy with others. Their sexual indulgence enslaves them to a habit that satisfies for a few seconds but ultimately leaves them feeling more lonely than before.

I believe that masturbation without lustful imagination can be a natural, God-given way to relieve sexual pressure without committing the sin of fornication (similar to nocturnal emissions).

However, given the way illicit sexuality permeates our culture, it seems difficult if not almost impossible for anyone to masturbate without drifting into sinful thoughts. Let every man be fully persuaded in his own mind. Go to God with an obedient heart and a tender conscience and seek His guidance.

Jesus said: "But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart." -Matthew 5:28, ESV

Each of us is responsible before God to live a clean life and to rule our thoughts. God expects our lives and thoughts to reflect His grace and holiness. Our thought-life should not be characterized by sin.

"Cating down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;" -2 Corinthians 10:5

Quoted: http://www.gaychristian101.com/are-nocturnal-emissions-or-wet-dreams-normal-or-sinful.html


Is having a nocturnal emission (wet dream) a sin?

Having a nocturnal emission or a wet dream where you ejaculate semen is not a sin; just as a girl experiencing her menstrual period is not sinning.

In the Old Testament, God selected a number of things which many people naturally viewed as disgusting, dirty, or uncomfortable to talk about and called them "unclean." Unclean things were to help the people of Israel to understand the nature of sin and the spread of sin, even though the things called unclean were not in themselves sinful. For example, because of a pig's natural dirty lifestyle and its willingness to eat just about anything, it was called unclean. A dead body was unclean and touching it made the person unclean. God also selected two natural body functions for uncleanness: menstruation for women and ejaculations for men. For example, "If there is among you any man who is unclean because of a nocturnal emission, then he must go outside the camp; he may not reenter the camp. But it shall be when evening approaches, he shall bathe himself with water, and at sundown he may reenter the camp" (Deuteronomy 23:10-11). This meant that everyone would experience being unclean frequently -- just as sin is widespread and hard to avoid.

But keep in mind, that while uncleanness illustrated sin, the things causing uncleanness were not necessarily sinful. For example, in commenting about abstaining from certain foods, Paul said, "For every creature of God is good, and nothing is to be refused if it is received with thanksgiving; for it is sanctified by the word of God and prayer" (I Timothy 4:4-5). Hence, Paul is saying there is nothing wrong with pork, in and of itself. It was a sin for a Jew to break the laws of uncleanness, but it doesn't follow that the items selected for the uncleanness laws were in themselves sinful.

What usually bothers most Christian men though is the nature of the dreams that often accompany nocturnal emissions. Frequently they are of a sexual theme; though, not always. This makes sense since the body, during the dream, is involved in gearing up for an ejaculation. You would expect that the mind and the body to be following the same general theme of sex. It is disturbing, though, to dream about things which are not proper for a Christian to do. I've known young men to be guilt ridden over the possibility that they might be a fornicator or a homosexual deep inside. We must acknowledge that while we are asleep, we do not have control over the contents of our dreams. Pray to God for protection from evil thoughts during the night, but realize that Satan tries us at all times. If you understand that homosexuality and fornication are wrong while you are awake, then don't be concerned about the thoughts that come during your sleep.

Quoted: http://lavistachurchofchrist.org/LVstudies/GrowingUpInTheLord/Boys/Answers/20070910i.html


Is a wet Dream / nocturnal emission a sin?

Question: "Is a wet dream / nocturnal emission a sin?"

Answer: Wet dreams / nocturnal emissions are fairly common in the lives of men. The Bible mentions "emissions" in a few places (Leviticus 15:16,18,32; 22:4; Deuteronomy 23:10). Deuteronomy 23:10 specifically refers to nocturnal emissions: "If one of your men is unclean because of a nocturnal emission, he is to go outside the camp and stay there." Many young men (and older men) struggle with this concept. Is a wet dream / nocturnal emission sinful? How can it be a sin if we have no control over it?

Ultimately, we cannot control what we dream about or what happens with our bodies while we are asleep. However, if we are filling our minds with lustful / sinful things during the day, it will likely show up in our dreams. A nocturnal emission is a natural bodily function that is made more frequent by sexual over-stimulation. A nocturnal emission is not sinful in and of itself, but it can be the result of sinful thoughts, desires, and input. If you have a wet dream / nocturnal emission, examine your thought life. Examine what sort of images you are exposing yourself to. If you find that you have allowed yourself to be "inflamed" by lust, confess that to the Lord and asking for His help in overcoming it. In such a case, the wet dream / nocturnal emission is the result of sin, not a sin in and of itself. Follow the words of Philippians 4:8, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things.”

If you find that the nocturnal emission / wet dream was simply the result of the body naturally "relieving itself," you do not need to confess anything to the Lord. The Old Testament law was very ceremonial in its treatment of bodily discharges, for men and women. Thankfully, we are not bound by these regulations. A man who has had a wet dream / nocturnal emission is not "unclean." Again, the issue is what is going on with your mind. The reactions of our bodies are the result of what takes place in our minds (Matthew 12:34-35).

Quoted: http://www.gotquestions.org/wet-dreams.html

First sex a boost for men, not women

First sex a boost for men, not women By ANI ANI – Thu, Mar 24, 2011 3:15 PM SGT ..Washington, Mar 24 (ANI): Penn State researchers has found that having sex for the first time can improve or degrade your self-image depending on whether you are male or female. On average, college-age males become more satisfied with their appearance after first intercourse, whereas college-age females become slightly less satisfied. "We're not talking about 12-year-old girls having sex, so it's striking that even among these young women-who are 17 or older when they first had sex-their images of themselves went down," said Eva S. Lefkowitz, associate professor of human development and family studies. "If on average they're feeling worse about themselves, it says something about their development of healthy sexuality and healthy sense of self and being." Overall the researchers found that women became happier with their physical appearance from first to fourth year in college, and men became less satisfied with their appearance over the same time period. However, the researchers found the opposite directly after students had sex for the first time-males were more satisfied with their appearance and females were less satisfied. The researchers reported their results in the current issue of the Journal of Adolescence. (ANI) Quoted: http://sg.news.yahoo.com/first-sex-boost-men-not-women-20110324-001524-983.html

Holy One of God

If you met Jesus on the street, how would you react to Him? There have been movies and TV shows which depict exactly that. Some of these shows are more serious in nature, while others are much more flippant. Too often we see Jesus as a man. We see Christ as a person we could give a high five to. Even so, Christ loves about us, despite how naive we are about Him. Much in the same way that little children are loved by their parents because they are still somewhat naive to the world around them. Children do not understand anything but a simple relationship with their parents. Children do not understand everything that their parents do for them. Children do, however, understand the love that heir parents lavish on them. Not everyone is ignorant to the character of Christ. Note some of the encounters that Jesus had with demons during His ministry on Earth. They knew exactly who He is, and what He is capable of. Mark 1:21-26 shows one of Jesus' encounters with an evil spirit. This evil spirit in fact testifies to who Christ is in Mark 1:24 "I know who you are - The Holy One of God!" The enemies of God know exactly who He is. James 2:19 states, "You believe that there is one God. Good!. Even the demons believe that - and shudder." This is a challenge to you, to not only take your faith more serious, but at the same time, to take your God more seriously. We serve a God who is more than capable of helping us take care or our bills, or heal a disease of the flesh. He is Holy, and deserves to be treated as such. As Kim Riddlebarger says, "Repent and believe, because Jesus is the Holy One of God and in Him, the kingdom of God draws near to us." Living Life

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Made Holy Because of Christ

Now, more than ever, there is a movement to take pride in who you are, and to accept yourself for who you are. If you are American, be proud of it. If you have a heritage which extends into the rich history of Asia, then you need to embrace your culture as fully as possible. Know your language, know your culture, because these are things that defines us. Celebrate what you can do, whether that is physical abilities, musical talents, or a gifted mind.

Our most common problem that we have, is forgetting that there is a supernatural or spiritual realm. Every talent that we do have comes from God. Well, more than that, every thing (money, cars, friends, family, even air) we have comes from God. But we forget that, or do not really appreciate it.

Furthermore, we need to recognize that once we become Christian, we have been given a new culture. That is all there is to it. You are no longer American, British, Japanese, Russian, Korean, Canadian, and so on. You are Christian. That is the kingdom you belong to. It is a Kingdom that extends beyond all borders and all time. Its rules and laws transcend boundaries of race and gender and language.

We are a part of this Kingdom, because we have been grafted in, as Romans 11 speaks of. We have been cut off from the trees of cultures of Jew or Gentile, of ANY culture, and grafted into the Kingdom of Christ. That is the culture we should be studying and pursuing.

By being woven into His Kingdom, we are instantly cleansed of sin, redeemed, and made holy, not because of what we do or who we are, but because that is simply the nature of the Body of Christ.

Living Life

Friday, March 25, 2011

4 great ways to end a date

4 great ways to end a date
By Susan Rabin

Janet loved seeing the Russian painting exhibit with John; John thought the bicycle ride after the museum visit made for the best first date he’d ever had. She liked him, and he liked her. And both of them wanted to go out again. So why did they put themselves through the agony of waiting a few days to call and follow up with a second-date request? Well, most of us don’t want to expose our feelings before the other party does. It’s uncomfortable to be vulnerable — and what if we get rejected?

If you’ve ever been in this situation — and we bet you have — let me help. I wrote the book Lucky in Love: 52 Fabulous, Foolproof Flirting Strategies for Every Week of the Year, and I have some advice for you. Here are my four favorite ways to make it clear you’ve had a blast and would be game for another go.

1. Review the high points of your time together
Make a statement that expresses how much fun you had and also that you’re impressed by your date’s unique qualities, like: “Game night was a real hoot. I’m so glad you invited me. You’re really a pro at backgammon!” or “Remember when the rowboat had to go under that low bridge? You certainly know how to steer!” Comments like these will reassure your date that you like him or her and provide the perfect opportunity to plan a follow-up.

2. Check your calendar
So you’ve discovered that you both enjoy classic films, Southern rock or deep-sea fishing. If you know of some big event coming up that would be of interest, extend an invitation. “Would you be interested in going to the boat show next weekend? I was about to order tickets.” (Note: If you wind up not being able to get tickets after you’ve said this, explain the “sold out” status and ask if your date would be interested in meeting up anyway for brunch.)

3. Deploy the flirty handshake
Many singles have trouble with “the close.” The close is that precious moment at the end of a date where you must do something. Going for a kiss — especially if you’re not sure how you two connected or if that’s too bold a move for your date — can be intimidating, but if you get nervous and just shake hands, it can seem like a kiss-off. If you are interested in a second date, the flirting handshake works like a charm: It’s not too scary or too brusque for anyone! You shake hands, smile, nod, make eye contact and then add an all-important hand-over-hand motion. You squeeze your date’s hand tenderly, then — with your other hand — stroke his or her hand with several short movements from the wrist to the fingertips. Hold on to his or her hand gently, seductively, a little longer than normal. The flirting handshake says, “I loved our time together and would love to see you again.” It is an invitation to call — or move in for a kiss.

4. Take a risk by speaking your mind
Say something. Do something. This is my favorite suggestion, and I’ve saved it for last: Be honest and say what you feel. (No, not, “I think you’re so handsome I can totally see having your babies!”) Say you enjoyed the date or that you had a lot of fun and hope to get together again. Simple? Yes. Scary? A bit. But this tactic is low-pressure enough that even if he or she isn’t interested, the other person will smile and say something nice. And if your date is definitely feeling the same way, you’ll find out and walk away with plans for a second date. And isn’t that worth the risk?

Susan Rabin is author of Lucky in Love: 52 Fabulous, Foolproof Flirting Strategies for Every Week of the Year.

Quoted: http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=5942&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=741573

Human Inability

When was the last time you went on a church retreat? You probably came out of that experience feeling great, and on a spiritual high. One of the greatest miracles in the Bible is when Jesus fed 5,000 (which, including women and children, was probably around 20,000 people.). These people got to listen to sermons from God Himself for a few days, and then they were fed by His amazing power. It sounds life an awesome retreat!

Jesus had a huge surge in popularity (after all, why not follow a guy who can instantly fill my stomach?), but it was short lived. He follows His biggest miracle with one of His heaviest sermon in John 6:44: "Non one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him."

What does this message tell us? It tells us more about man that it does about God. It shows us that we are incapable of coming to Christ, unless He helps us. What is it that prevent us? Is it our physical incapability? No; after all, we just have to drop to our knees and repeat a string of words. Anyone can do that. No, rather our human inability comes from our very nature itself. As Charles Spurgeon puts it, "Permit me to show you wherein this inability really does lie. It lies deep in his nature. Through the fall, and through our own sin, the nature of man has become so debased, and depraved, and corrupt, that it is impossible for him to come to Christ without the assistance of God the Holy Spirit."

But this is what separates Christ, our lord and God, from the rest: Luke 18:27, "Jesus replied, 'What is impossible with men, is possible with God.' " Although we are incapable of coming to Him, He is not incapable of coming to us.

Living Life

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Holy Wisdom

Which is more valuable: knowledge or wisdom? Knowledge is knowing what to way, while wisdom is more about when and how to say something. The Bible describes wisdom in this way in James 3:17: "But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure, then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good-fruit, impartial and sincere." It is easier to have knowledge, than it is to have wisdom. Knowledge is not a bad thing, but it is not the final destination. Many academics have a lot of knowledge, but their journey is incomplete. Gaining knowledge is only half of the experience. This is a lot like finding gold in a mountain, which is great, but then never doing anything with it. Finding gold is great. But gold often need to be separated from the ore it is found in, refined and processed, then it can finally be used. I suppose I could take that lump of gold, and use it as a door stop, or even transform it into a pen, fork, or chair, or money.

So which is more valuable? In many ways, they are two sides of the same coin. However, one thing that we can say for certain is that knowledge and wisdom that comes from heaven is vastly more valuable, than any knowledge or wisdom, than any knowledge or wisdom that comes from man. Even in our quest for knowledge, we are still seeking something that is holy and from God. It is better to be wise in the eyes of God, than the eyes of our peers. The best part about wisdom that comes from God, is what I just have to ask, and believe, and its mine. No years of study or quiet mediation. Just a five second prayer and a measure of faith.

Living Life

Oh Yeah......

Oh Yeah....the answer is out.....the answer is ....I get 3 more days of holiday in Hong Kong.....I get to have more time with my HK friends...eat more Hong Kong food...yum yum....muahaha..... I also get to save SGD 150 dollars...woo hooo


Praise and give thank to God...in all things ...including I do not need to meet someone too...I do not need to face things I don't wish to face at this time of my life.....woo hoo...Praise God....God is just so great and nice....so precise and to the dot...to the knowing of how I feel, think and appreciate His honest, blant and direct way. You are a all knowing God. Amen. Woo hoo....

This is the final week of MOE reply and I believe You know what is best for me at this period of time. There are things that are just too big for me to handle, for me to speak out the faith or belieft that You are the God of provision, the God of Hope. I, at this moment, choose to remain faithful till the end. The end of me is the beginning of God....let me "die" soon so that Christ can "be-alive" earlier.

The last straw that breaks the camel's back...yes I thank you for knowing what it is... something that I only realise I buried it .....rotting away and giving out smell.....yucks.....gosh....can remember how one Mythbuster show present it in a "educational' way.

So I here, finally release this big rock....big burden....big thing....to harness the emotional energy and all that You have prepared me for.....in stages that is slow and steady....slow and steady...pom pi pi.... :)..... Finally...Finally ...Finally.....another exciting time that You will use me to do Your will...for Your will....in Your will. God Almighty.....You the great .....no the grrr......

I also ask you Lord, when or is it required for me to start prayer and fasting.....for the homework to be done..... Please speak to me clearly on that....and also the healing of Zhan Ke.....Since you have spoken.....and also the story on the faith of the 4 friends who bring their sick and dying friend to Jesus and Jesus healed him because of the faith of his friends. God you need to speak more more more more more more more more more and louder...thank You God :)

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Google’s Quest to Build a Better Boss

By ADAM BRYANT
Published: March 12, 2011

Mountain View, Calif.

IN early 2009, statisticians inside the Googleplex here embarked on a plan code-named Project Oxygen.

Their mission was to devise something far more important to the future of Google Inc. than its next search algorithm or app.

They wanted to build better bosses.

So, as only a data-mining giant like Google can do, it began analyzing performance reviews, feedback surveys and nominations for top-manager awards. They correlated phrases, words, praise and complaints.

Later that year, the “people analytics” teams at the company produced what might be called the Eight Habits of Highly Effective Google Managers.

Now, brace yourself. Because the directives might seem so forehead-slappingly obvious — so, well, duh — it’s hard to believe that it took the mighty Google so long to figure them out:

“Have a clear vision and strategy for the team.”

“Help your employees with career development.”

“Don’t be a sissy: Be productive and results-oriented.”

The list goes on, reading like a whiteboard gag from an episode of “The Office.”

“My first reaction was, that’s it?” says Laszlo Bock, Google’s vice president for “people operations,” which is Googlespeak for human resources.

But then, Mr. Bock and his team began ranking those eight directives by importance. And this is where Project Oxygen gets interesting.

For much of its 13-year history, particularly the early years, Google has taken a pretty simple approach to management: Leave people alone. Let the engineers do their stuff. If they become stuck, they’ll ask their bosses, whose deep technical expertise propelled them into management in the first place.

But Mr. Bock’s group found that technical expertise — the ability, say, to write computer code in your sleep — ranked dead last among Google’s big eight. What employees valued most were even-keeled bosses who made time for one-on-one meetings, who helped people puzzle through problems by asking questions, not dictating answers, and who took an interest in employees’ lives and careers.

“In the Google context, we’d always believed that to be a manager, particularly on the engineering side, you need to be as deep or deeper a technical expert than the people who work for you,” Mr. Bock says. “It turns out that that’s absolutely the least important thing. It’s important, but pales in comparison. Much more important is just making that connection and being accessible.”

Project Oxygen doesn’t fit neatly into the usual Google story line of hits (like its search engine) and misses (like the start last year of Buzz, its stab at social networking). Management is much squishier to analyze, after all, and the topic often feels a bit like golf. You can find thousands of tips and rules for how to become a better golfer, and just as many for how to become a better manager. Most of them seem to make perfect sense.

Problems start when you try to keep all those rules in your head at the same time — thus the golf cliché, “paralysis by analysis.” In management, as in golf, the greats make it all look effortless, which only adds to the sense of mystery and frustration for those who struggle to get better.

That caveat aside, Project Oxygen is noteworthy for a few reasons, according to academics and experts in this field.

H.R. has long run on gut instincts more than hard data. But a growing number of companies are trying to apply a data-driven approach to the unpredictable world of human interactions.

“Google is really at the leading edge of that,” says Todd Safferstone, managing director of the Corporate Leadership Council of the Corporate Executive Board, who has a good perch to see what H.R. executives at more than 1,000 big companies are up to.

Project Oxygen is also unusual, Mr. Safferstone says, because it is based on Google’s own data, which means that it will feel more valid to those Google employees who like to scoff at conventional wisdom.

Many companies, he explained, adopt generic management models that tell people the roughly 20 things they should do as managers, without ranking those traits by importance. Those models often suffer “a lot of organ rejection” in companies, he added, because they are not presented with any evidence that they will make a difference, nor do they prioritize what matters.

“Most companies are better at exhorting you to be a great manager, rather than telling you how to be a great manager,” Mr. Safferstone says.

PROJECT OXYGEN started with some basic assumptions.

People typically leave a company for one of three reasons, or a combination of them. The first is that they don’t feel a connection to the mission of the company, or sense that their work matters. The second is that they don’t really like or respect their co-workers. The third is they have a terrible boss — and this was the biggest variable. Google, where performance reviews are done quarterly, rather than annually, saw huge swings in the ratings that employees gave to their bosses.

Managers also had a much greater impact on employees’ performance and how they felt about their job than any other factor, Google found.

“The starting point was that our best managers have teams that perform better, are retained better, are happier — they do everything better,” Mr. Bock says. “So the biggest controllable factor that we could see was the quality of the manager, and how they sort of made things happen. The question we then asked was: What if every manager was that good? And then you start saying: Well, what makes them that good? And how do you do it?”

In Project Oxygen, the statisticians gathered more than 10,000 observations about managers — across more than 100 variables, from various performance reviews, feedback surveys and other reports. Then they spent time coding the comments in order to look for patterns.

Once they had some working theories, they figured out a system for interviewing managers to gather more data, and to look for evidence that supported their notions. The final step was to code and synthesize all those results — more than 400 pages of interview notes — and then they spent much of last year rolling out the results to employees and incorporating them into various training programs.

The process of reading and coding all the information was time-consuming. This was one area where computers couldn’t help, says Michelle Donovan, a manager of people analytics who was involved in the study.

“People say there’s software that can help you do that,” she says. “It’s been our experience that you just have to get in there and read it.”

GIVEN the familiar feel of the list of eight qualities, the project might have seemed like an exercise in reinventing the wheel. But Google generally prefers, for better or worse, to build its own wheels.

“We want to understand what works at Google rather than what worked in any other organization,” says Prasad Setty, Google’s vice president for people analytics and compensation.

Once Google had its list, the company started teaching it in training programs, as well as in coaching and performance review sessions with individual employees. It paid off quickly.

“We were able to have a statistically significant improvement in manager quality for 75 percent of our worst-performing managers,” Mr. Bock says.

He tells the story of one manager whose employees seemed to despise him. He was driving them too hard. They found him bossy, arrogant, political, secretive. They wanted to quit his team.

“He’s brilliant, but he did everything wrong when it came to leading a team,” Mr. Bock recalls.

Because of that heavy hand, this manager was denied a promotion he wanted, and was told that his style was the reason. But Google gave him one-on-one coaching — the company has coaches on staff, rather than hiring from the outside. Six months later, team members were grudgingly acknowledging in surveys that the manager had improved.

“And a year later, it’s actually quite a bit better,” Mr. Bock says. “It’s still not great. He’s nowhere near one of our best managers, but he’s not our worst anymore. And he got promoted.”

Mark Klenk, an engineering manager whom Google made available for an interview, said the Project Oxygen findings, and the subsequent training, helped him understand the importance of giving clear and direct feedback to the people he supervises.

“There are cases with some personalities where they are not necessarily realizing they need a course correction,” Mr. Klenk says. “So it’s just about being really clear about saying, ‘O.K., I understand what you are doing here, but let’s talk about the results, and this is the goal.’ ”

“I’m doing that a lot more,” he says, adding that the people he manages seem to like it. “I’ve gotten direct feedback where they’ve thanked me for being clear.”

GOOGLE executives say they aren’t crunching all this data to develop some algorithm of successful management. The point, they say, is to provide the data and to make people aware of it, so that managers can understand what works and, just as important, what doesn’t.

The traps can show up in areas like hiring. Managers often want to hire people who seem just like them. So Google compiles elaborate dossiers on candidates from the interview process, and hiring decisions are made by a group. “We do everything to minimize the authority and power of the manager in making a hiring decision,” Mr. Bock explains.

A person with an opening on her team, for instance, may have short-term needs that aren’t aligned with the company’s long-term interests. “The metaphor is, if you need an administrative assistant, you’re going to be really picky the first week, and at six months, you’re going to take anyone you can get,” Mr. Bock says.

Google also tries to point out predictable traps in performance reviews, which are often done with input from a group. The company has compiled a list of “cognitive biases” for employees to keep handy during these discussions. For example, somebody may have just had a bad experience with the person being reviewed, and that one experience inevitably trumps recollections of all the good work that person has done in recent months. There’s also the “halo/horns” effect, in which a single personality trait skews someone’s perception of a colleague’s performance.

Google even points out these kinds of biases in its cafeteria line. The company stacks smaller plates next to bigger ones at the front of the line, and it tells people that research shows that diners generally eat everything on their plate, even if they are full halfway through the meal. By using the smaller plate, Google says, they could drop 10 to 15 pounds in a year.

“The thing that moves or nudges Googlers is facts; they like information,” says Ms. Donovan, who was involved in the management effectiveness study and the effort to encourage healthier eating. “They don’t like being told what to do. They’re just, ‘Give me the facts and I’m smart, I’ll decide.’ ”

The true test of Google’s new management model, of course, is whether it will help its business performance of the long haul. Just a few hours after Mr. Bock was interviewed for this article in mid-January, Google surprised the world by announcing that Larry Page, one of its co-founders, was taking over as C.E.O. from Eric E. Schmidt.

Though Mr. Schmidt explained the move on Twitter by writing, “Day-to-day adult supervision is no longer needed,” the company made clear that the point was to speed up decision-making and to simplify management.

Google clearly hopes to recapture some of the nimbleness and innovative spirit of its early years. But will Project Oxygen help a grown-up Google get its start-up mojo back?

D. Scott DeRue, a management professor at the Ross School of Business at the University of Michigan, applauds Google for its data-driven method for management. That said, he noted that while Google’s approach might be unusual, its findings nevertheless echoed what other research had shown to be effective at other companies. And that, in itself, is a useful exercise.

“Although people are always looking for the next new thing in leadership,” he said, “Google’s data suggest that not much has changed in terms of what makes for an effective leader.” Whether Google’s eight rules will still apply as the company evolves is anyone’s guess. They certainly aren’t chiseled in stone. Mr. Bock’s group is continuing to test them for effectiveness, watching for results from all the training the company is doing to reinforce the behaviors.

For now, Mr. Bock says he is particularly struck by the simplicity of the rules, and the fact that applying them doesn’t require a personality transplant for a manager.

“You don’t actually need to change who the person is,” he says. “What it means is, if I’m a manager and I want to get better, and I want more out of my people and I want them to be happier, two of the most important things I can do is just make sure I have some time for them and to be consistent. And that’s more important than doing the rest of the stuff.”


Quoted: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/13/business/13hire.html?pagewanted=1&src=ISMR_AP_LI_LST_FB

Do You Have Free Will? Yes, It’s the Only Choice

By JOHN TIERNEY
Published: March 21, 2011

Suppose that Mark and Bill live in a deterministic universe. Everything that happens this morning — like Mark’s decision to wear a blue shirt, or Bill’s latest attempt to comb over his bald spot — is completely caused by whatever happened before it.

If you recreated this universe starting with the Big Bang and let all events proceed exactly the same way until this same morning, then the blue shirt is as inevitable as the comb-over.

Now for questions from experimental philosophers:

1) In this deterministic universe, is it possible for a person to be fully morally responsible for his actions?

2) This year, as he has often done in the past, Mark arranges to cheat on his taxes. Is he is fully morally responsible for his actions?

3) Bill falls in love with his secretary, and he decides that the only way to be with her is to murder his wife and three children. Before leaving on a trip, he arranges for them to be killed while he is away. Is Bill fully morally responsible for his actions?

To a classic philosopher, these are just three versions of the same question about free will. But to the new breed of philosophers who test people’s responses to concepts like determinism, there are crucial differences, as Shaun Nichols explains in the current issue of Science.

Most respondents will absolve the unspecified person in Question 1 from full responsibility for his actions, and a majority will also give Mark a break for his tax chiseling. But not Bill. He’s fully to blame for his heinous crime, according to more than 70 percent of the people queried by Dr. Nichols, an experimental philosopher at the University of Arizona, and his Yale colleague Joshua Knobe.

Is Bill being judged illogically? In one way, yes. The chain of reasoning may seem flawed to some philosophers, and the belief in free will may seem naïve to the psychologists and neuroscientists who argue that we’re driven by forces beyond our conscious control — an argument that Bill’s lawyer might end up borrowing in court.

But in another way it makes perfect sense to hold Bill fully accountable for murder. His judges pragmatically intuit that regardless of whether free will exists, our society depends on everyone’s believing it does. The benefits of this belief have been demonstrated in other research showing that when people doubt free will, they do worse at their jobs and are less honest.

In one experiment, some people read a passage from Francis Crick, the molecular biologist, asserting that free will is a quaint old notion no longer taken seriously by intellectuals, especially not psychologists and neuroscientists. Afterward, when compared with a control group that read a different passage from Crick (who died in 2004) these people expressed more skepticism about free will — and promptly cut themselves some moral slack while taking a math test.

Asked to solve a series of arithmetic problems in a computerized quiz, they cheated by getting the answers through a glitch in the computer that they’d been asked not to exploit. The supposed glitch, of course, had been put there as a temptation by the researchers, Kathleen Vohs of the University of Minnesota and Jonathan Schooler of the University of California, Santa Barbara.

In a follow-up experiment, the psychologists gave another test in which people were promised $1 for every correct answer — and got to compile their own scores. Just as Dr. Vohs and Dr. Schooler feared, people were more likely to cheat after being exposed beforehand to arguments against free will. These people went home with more unearned cash than did the other people.

This behavior in the lab, the researchers noted, squares with studies in recent decades showing an increase in the number of college students who admit to cheating. During this same period, other studies have shown a weakening in the popular belief in free will (although it’s still widely held).

“Doubting one’s free will may undermine the sense of self as agent,” Dr. Vohs and Dr. Schooler concluded. “Or, perhaps, denying free will simply provides the ultimate excuse to behave as one likes.”

That could include goofing off on the job, according to another study done by Dr. Vohs along with a team of psychologists led by Tyler F. Stillman of Southern Utah University. They went to a day-labor employment agency armed with questionnaires for a sample of workers to fill out confidentially.

These questionnaires were based on a previously developed research instrument called the Free Will and Determinism Scale. The workers were asked how strongly they agreed with statements like “Strength of mind can always overcome the body’s desires” or “People can overcome any obstacles if they truly want to” or “People do not choose to be in the situations they end up in — it just happens.”

The psychologists also measured other factors, including the workers’ general satisfaction with their lives, how energetic they felt, how strongly they endorsed an ethic of hard work. None of these factors was a reliable predictor of their actual performance on the job, as rated by their supervisors. But the higher the workers scored on the scale of belief in free will, the better their ratings on the job.

“Free will guides people’s choices toward being more moral and better performers,” Dr. Vohs said. “It’s adaptive for societies and individuals to hold a belief in free will, as it helps people adhere to cultural codes of conduct that portend healthy, wealthy and happy life outcomes.”

Intellectual concepts of free will can vary enormously, but there seems to be a fairly universal gut belief in the concept starting at a young age. When children age 3 to 5 see a ball rolling into a box, they say that the ball couldn’t have done anything else. But when they see an experimenter put her hand in the box, they insist that she could have done something else.

That belief seems to persist no matter where people grow up, as experimental philosophers have discovered by querying adults in different cultures, including Hong Kong, India, Colombia and the United States. Whatever their cultural differences, people tend to reject the notion that they live in a deterministic world without free will.

They also tend to agree, across cultures, that a hypothetical person in a hypothetically deterministic world would not be responsible for his sins. This same logic explains why they they’ll excuse Mark’s tax evasion, a crime that doesn’t have an obvious victim. But that logic doesn’t hold when people are confronted with what researchers call a “high-affect” transgression, an emotionally upsetting crime like Bill’s murder of his family.

“It’s two different kinds of mechanisms in the brain,” said Alfred Mele, a philosopher at Florida State University who directs the Big Questions in Free Will project. “If you give people an abstract story and a hypothetical question, you’re priming the theory machine in their head. But their theory might be out of line with their intuitive reaction to a detailed story about someone doing something nasty. As experimenters have shown, the default assumption for people is that we do have free will.”

At an abstract level, people seem to be what philosophers call incompatibilists: those who believe free will is incompatible with determinism. If everything that happens is determined by what happened before, it can seem only logical to conclude you can’t be morally responsible for your next action.

But there is also a school of philosophers — in fact, perhaps the majority school — who consider free will compatible with their definition of determinism. These compatibilists believe that we do make choices, even though these choices are determined by previous events and influences. In the words of Arthur Schopenhauer, “Man can do what he wills, but he cannot will what he wills.”

Does that sound confusing — or ridiculously illogical? Compatibilism isn’t easy to explain. But it seems to jibe with our gut instinct that Bill is morally responsible even though he’s living in a deterministic universe. Dr. Nichols suggests that his experiment with Mark and Bill shows that in our abstract brains we’re incompatibilists, but in our hearts we’re compatibilists.

“This would help explain the persistence of the philosophical dispute over free will and moral responsibility,” Dr. Nichols writes in Science. “Part of the reason that the problem of free will is so resilient is that each philosophical position has a set of psychological mechanisms rooting for it.”

Some scientists like to dismiss the intuitive belief in free will as an exercise in self-delusion — a simple-minded bit of “confabulation,” as Crick put it. But these supposed experts are deluding themselves if they think the question has been resolved. Free will hasn’t been disproved scientifically or philosophically. The more that researchers investigate free will, the more good reasons there are to believe in it.

Quoted: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/22/science/22tier.html?ref=science

11 one-ingredient DIY face masks

11 one-ingredient DIY face masks
by Yahoo!Green, on Tue Mar 1, 2011 8:06am PST

By Megan, selected from Intent.com
More from Care2 Green Living blog


We’re making healthy skin even easier for you with one-ingredient, all-natural, DIY facials made from common supplies you can easily find right in the refrigerator shelf or kitchen cabinet. Raiding your pantry is also a great way to save money and cut back on food waste and packaging.

If you want pretty and healthy skin, don’t skimp on the bare-bone basics. Be sure to always drink lots of water and wear sunscreen moisturizer.

1. Honey -- A humectant, honey, attracts and retains moisture, so it's great for anyone who wants to combat dry skin. Use a cloth damp with warm water and pat skin to open pores. Smear honey onto skin and leave on for 15 to 30 minutes. Rinse off with warm water, then pat skin with a cloth dampened in cold water to close pores.

2. Raw egg yolk -- Egg yolks are high in vitamin A, a common ingredient in acne-fighting products. Spread on face and neck and leave on skin for 30 minutes. Rinse with cool water.

3. Raw egg white -- You'll get a lifting effect as the protein in egg whites dries on your skin. Beat egg white until frothy and spread on face. Wait until it dries and rinse off with warm water.

4. Grapes -- They contain powerful antioxidants, called polyphenols, which help combat aging. Cut one grape in half and rub lightly all over face.

5. Banana -- Bananas are one of the most nourishing fruits available because they contain magnesium, potassium, iron, zinc, iodine, folic acid, and vitamins A, B, and E, all of which benefit the skin. Mash one overripe banana and spread onto face. Rinse off after 15 to 30 minutes with warm water.

6. Plain yogurt -- Yogurt contains alpha-hydroxy acids, including lactic acid, which are commonly used to help reduce the appearance of fine wrinkles. It's also rich in B-complex vitamins, including B-5, or panthothenic acid, which is commonly used to promote skin healing. Apply on face after cleansing and leave on for 15 to 20 minutes.

7. Apple cider vinegar -- It has a tonic action that promotes blood circulation in the small capillaries that irrigate the skin. It's also antiseptic, preventing the proliferation of bacteria, viruses, or yeast that trigger infection. Dilute apple cider vinegar with two parts water and apply over face with a cotton ball as a toner after washing face every day and every night.

8. Olive oil -- Olive oil is a source of squalene, a natural moisturizer used in many cosmetics. Natural antioxidants found in olive oil include A and E vitamins, as well as some polyphenols. Dab on lips at bedtime if chapped or leave on face overnight. It can also be used to de-frizz hair.

9. Avocado -- The fruit is rich in vitamins, A, C, E, iron, potassium, niacin, and pantothenic acid and its natural emollients. Mash avocado, then leave on skin for 10 minutes. You can also use it to strengthen and condition your hair.

10. Baking soda -- This pantry staple has a gentle abrasive action. Use as an exfoliant for face by adding to your regular cleanser. It also helps neutralize skin's pH.

11. Milk -- Seriously? Yes, seriously. Like yogurt, it contains lactic acid, an alpha-hydroxy acid that is often used to revitalize skin. Swab on face with cotton ball, leave on until your skin feels tight. Rinse off with warm water. Your skin will feel super-soft afterwards.

By Yumi Sakugawa, Intent.com

Quoted: http://shine.yahoo.com/event/green/11-one-ingredient-diy-face-masks-2460089/

Becoming Pleasing to God

Is the life that you have pleasing to God? What if it isn't? John Piper writes, "What if you discovered (like the Pharisees discovered) that you had devoted your whole life to trying to please God, but all the while had been doing things that in God's sight were abominations?" "The LORD detests the sacrifice of the wicked, but the prayer of the upright pleases him (Prov. 15:8)."

God knows our thoughts, our characters, and where our hearts are. He is not afraid of where we are, or what we have become caught up in. He wants to lift us out of whatever troubles we find ourselves in, and bring us to a place that is glorifying to Him. God desires people to worship Him, because Christ really and truly is worthy it.

God emphasizes that our faith is never about what we can do for Him, because He is capable of so much more than we could ever give Him. Christ is interested in where our hearts are, and what we are trying to get from Him. As people, we do not typically want our lives to be difficult. We want our lives to be easy. Christ, however, wants our lives to be holy.

Christ is never interested in lip service, and He knows when we are pretending. If what we think we are doing for Him has burnt us out, then what is the point? If we are the servants of God, and God is love, then we are servants of love. If we are without love, then we are without God.

God delights in us, when we delight in Him.

Living Life

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

22 Secrets HR Won’t Tell You About Getting a Job.

22 Secrets HR Won’t Tell You About Getting a Job.
by Reader's Digest Magazine, on Fri Mar 4, 2011 9:31am PST

What You Should Know About Résumés


1. “Once you’re unemployed more than six months, you’re considered pretty much unemployable. We assume that other people have already passed you over, so we don’t want anything to do with you.” –Cynthia Shapiro, former human resources executive and author of Corporate Confidential: 50 Secrets Your Company Doesn’t Want You to Know

2. “When it comes to getting a job, who you know really does matter. No matter how nice your résumé is or how great your experience may be, it’s all about connections.” –HR director at a health-care facility

3. “If you’re trying to get a job at a specific company, often the best thing to do is to avoid HR entirely. Find someone at the company you know, or go straight to the hiring manager.” –Shauna Moerke, an HR administrator in Alabama who blogs at hrminion.com

4. “People assume someone’s reading their cover letter. I haven’t read one in 11 years.” –HR director at a financial services firm

5. “We will judge you based on your e-mail address. Especially if it’s something inappropriate like kinkyboots101@hotmail.com or johnnylikestodrink@gmail.com.” –Rich DeMatteo, a recruiting consultant in Philadelphia

6. “If you’re in your 50s or 60s, don’t put the year you graduated on your résumé.” –HR professional at a midsize firm in North Carolina

7. “There’s a myth out there that a résumé has to be one page. So people send their résumé in a two-point font. Nobody is going to read that.” –HR director at a financial services firm

8. “I always read résumés from the bottom up. And I have no problem with a two-page résumé, but three pages is pushing it.” –Sharlyn Lauby, HR consultant in Fort Lauderdale, Florida

9. “Most of us use applicant-tracking systems that scan résumés for key words. The secret to getting your résumé through the system is to pull key words directly from the job description and put them on. The more matches you have, the more likely your résumé will get picked and actually seen by a real person.” –Chris Ferdinandi, HR professional in the Boston area

10. “Résumés don’t need color to stand out. When I see a little color, I smirk. And when I see a ton of color, I cringe. And walking in and dropping off your resume is no longer seen as a good thing. It’s actually a little creepy.” –Rich DeMatteo


Secrets About the Interview

11. “It’s amazing when people come in for an interview and say, ‘Can you tell me about your business?’ Seriously, people. There’s an Internet. Look it up.” –HR professional in New York City

12. “A lot of managers don’t want to hire people with young kids, and they use all sorts of tricks to find that out, illegally. One woman kept a picture of two really cute children on her desk even though she didn’t have children [hoping job candidates would ask about them]. Another guy used to walk people out to their car to see whether they had car seats.” –Cynthia Shapiro, former human resources executive and author of Corporate Confidential: 50 Secrets Your Company Doesn’t Want You to Know

13. “Is it harder to get the job if you’re fat? Absolutely. Like George Clooney’s character said in Up in the Air, ‘I stereotype. It’s faster.’” –Suzanne Lucas, a former HR executive and the Evil HR Lady on bnet.com

14. “I once had a hiring manager who refused to hire someone because the job required her to be on call one weekend a month and she had talked in the interview about how much she goes to church. Another candidate didn’t get hired because the manager was worried that the car he drove wasn’t nice enough.” –HR professional at a midsize firm in North Carolina

15. “Don’t just silence your phone for the interview. Turn it all the way off.” –Sharlyn Lauby, HR consultant in Fort Lauderdale, Florida

16. “If you’ve got a weak handshake, I make a note of it.” –HR manager at a medical-equipment sales firm

17. “If you’re a candidate and the hiring manager spends 45 minutes talking about himself, the company or his Harley, let him. He’s going to come out of the interview saying you’re a great candidate.” –Kris Dunn, chief human resources officer at Atlanta-based Kinetix, who blogs at hrcapitalist.com

Things to Know About Salary Negotiation

18. “There’s one website that drives all HR people crazy: salary.com. It supposedly lists average salaries for different industries, but if you look up any job, the salary it gives you always seems to be $10,000 to $20,000 higher than it actually is. That just makes people mad.” –HR director at a public relations agency

19. “On salary, some companies try to lock you in early. At the first interview, they’ll tell me to say, ‘The budget for this position is 40K to 45K. Is that acceptable to you?’ If the candidate accepts, they’ll know they’ve got him or her stuck in that little area.” –Ben Eubanks, HR professional in Alabama

20. “You think you’re all wonderful and deserve a higher salary, but here in HR, we know the truth. And the truth is, a lot of you aren’t very good at your jobs, and you’re definitely not as good as you think you are.” –HR professional at a midsize firm in North Carolina

21. “Be careful if a headhunter is negotiating for you. You may want extra time off and be willing to sacrifice salary, but he is negotiating hardest for what hits his commission.” –HR professional in New York City

22. “I once hired someone, and her mother didn’t think the salary we were offering was high enough, so she called me to negotiate. There are two problems with that: 1) I can’t negotiate with someone who’s not you. 2) It’s your mother. Seriously, I was like, ‘Did that woman’s mother just call me, or was that my imagination?’ I immediately withdrew the offer.” –HR professional in New York City

Quoted: http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/life/22-secrets-hr-won-t-tell-you-about-getting-a-job-2461178/

Called to Discipleship

Jesus could have come to Earth and fulfilled His mission to save mankind right away. He didn't even start His ministry until He was about 30. Even then, He didn't save humanity right away. He waited for the right time. His ministry itself lasted only for around 3 1/2 years, but His legacy, what Christ left behind, continues.

Christ's legacy lasts because of discipleship. Christ did not wander on His own during His entire ministry here on Earth; He was accompanied by a group of men, the closest of whom were called the 12 disciples.

Mark Driscoll exclaims that "Jesus [called] the twelve from a come-and-see experience to a go-and-die life." In essence, we, too are disciples of Christ. We are taught about who He is and what He has done for us, and then we in turn should go and continue this experience. First, we are invited in to see exactly who Christ is. After all, how can anyone be asked to die for someone that they do not know? Someone may die for a friend, but who would willing die for a complete stranger? We need to experience Him, come to know Him and be known by Him. This is the milk and bread stage of our faith.

This stage is important for growing our faith, but our faith journey should not end there. We are called to so much more. Eventually, God will call us into another phase of life; to go and die for Him. This phase is the meat, the core, the essence of our faith. We trust that God will lead us here over time. But just as a reminder, where Christ leads, we still need to follow. Our Christian faith is anything but passive. It requires action on the part of God, and on our part as well.

Living Life

Monday, March 21, 2011

8 common dating lines — decoded

8 common dating lines — decoded
By Laura Gilbert

It’s no secret that the language of love isn’t always the most, well, direct. That’s why so many single people spend hours analyzing emails from dates trying to figure out if “I’m busy at work” is a brush-off, or wondering whether that invitation of “I’ll make dinner for you” indicates a desire to share a whole lot more than a favorite garlic chicken recipe. How can you suss out what someone’s really trying to say? To help you out, we got a bevy of dating experts to decode eight common lines so you’ll spend less time scratching your head and more time communicating.

Line #1: “I’d love to stay out, but I have to get up really early tomorrow.”
What it means: “Sorry, you just aren’t floating my boat.”
Of course, if it’s 2 a.m. or your date follows up with, “But let’s get together soon — maybe this weekend?” the fact that he or she want to end the date is no big deal. But if the night is young or your date mentions an aversion to staying out late in the middle of, say, appetizers, that’s not a good sign. Your date may sense there’s no connection and want to exit sooner rather than later, says Steve Nakamoto, author of Men Are Like Fish: What Every Woman Needs to Know About Catching A Man. At least look at the upside: this person’s also freeing you from a situation that’s not going anywhere, so just enjoy your dinner, then skedaddle.

Line #2: “I had such a good time with you.”
What it means: “Wow, you’re actually fun and different from all the other guys/girls!”
This sentence might sound generic, but try saying it out loud. It sounds far more intense than a mere “I had a nice night,” doesn’t it? “This is a way of revealing how you feel without getting too heavy,” says Laurie Puhn, J.D., author of Instant Persuasion: How to Change Your Words to Change Your Life. “The person is letting you know that he or she really might like you, and trying to find out if you possibly feel the same.” So if the interest is mutual, let your date know by responding in kind.

Line #3: “I’m just not ready for a relationship.”
What it means: “I’m just not in love with you.”
It’s hard when someone you like tells you he or she’s not in a place to seriously date anyone. But it also makes you hope that the problem is timing, not your personalities. If you can just be patient, you think, things could percolate, right? Wrong. “This means ‘I don’t love you, so if that’s what you want, we should break up,’” says Puhn. Don’t be fooled — when this person does meet someone who has that spark, he or she will indeed be ready for a relationship.

Line #4: “I’d love to meet up, but I’m just really busy with work right now.”
What it means: “I’m trying to think of a really nice way to blow you off.”
Of course, this person could very well have a full schedule that week. But if he or she doesn’t offer any alternative dates to hang out, what you’re really being told is that this person would rather work than hang out with you. (Sorry.) “Your date very well could be busy. The question is whether your date’s focusing on the problem or finding a solution,” says Puhn. “You can always get away long enough for dinner or a coffee with someone or say, ‘I’m going to call you in two weeks after this project is done.’ It’s a matter of priorities.” So if your date isn’t trying to pencil you in, it could be time to write that person off.

Line #5: “So, gotten any funny emails on Match.com lately?”
What it means: “Are you interested in seeing each other exclusively?”
Let’s face it, it’s intimidating to ask: “So, are you seeing anyone else?” And with online dating, there’s a sneakier way to put out feelers: by asking a question that reveals whether someone’s been checking his or her Match.com account for new suitors. “In online dating, you can receive flirtatious emails 24/7, so leaving your profile up sends a message that you’re still open to other prospects,” says Nakamoto. So if your date’s asking anything about your online activities, it’s probably a sign he or she might pop the “So... do you want to see each other exclusively?” question soon.

Line #6: “So, want to meet for coffee?”
What it means: “Want to meet for a coffee and then have dinner if we like each other?”
It’s always smart to schedule a short, easy-to-end date when you’re first meeting a new person. “Committing to dinner with someone new can seem like too much for a person who doesn’t want to get stuck at a table for hours if things aren’t clicking,” explains Puhn. Still, many online daters will leave the ensuing hours free in case you two hit it off. That doesn’t mean you should head to your rendezvous with overly high expectations and an empty stomach. If you’re hungry, eat already. If you end up wanting to prolong the fun on your date, you can always suggest going for dessert or a drink.

Line #7: “I’m meeting my friends — want to come?”
What it means: “I really like you and want to know if you get along with my pals.”
It may sound like a casual invite, but what your date is saying is that he or she is totally comfortable being seen with you as a couple — and is interested in how you’ll relate to his or her closest comrades. “Meeting the friends is an approval thing,” says Nakamoto. “Women want to see how he treats their friends, and men want to know if his friends like the girl.” It may seem intimidating, but it should actually boost your ego: You’ve passed the first tests and are now on your way to becoming a full-time boyfriend or girlfriend — provided the buddies sign off. If you’re feeling just as positive about the relationship, say “Yes,” and charm away.

Line #8: “Why don’t you come over and I’ll cook for you?”
What it means: “Ready to see whether you want to take things to the next level?”
Cooking for a person is a show of intimacy in a couple of ways. “The person is really inviting you into his or her life,” says Puhn. “Someone’s apartment is his or her whole world, so it shows this person is obviously very comfortable with you.” Then, of course, there’s the fact that you’ll conveniently be just a few steps from the couch — and cuddling — later that night. If it’s a first or early date, this might actually be a bit too personal, especially if you’re not sure how you feel about your future together. But if you’re pretty sure you’re ready to explore things further, congratulations, tonight could be the night!

New York City freelance writer Laura Gilbert has written for Health, Stuff, Maxim, The Knot, and other publications.

Quoted: http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=6299&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=740731