Why Most Self-Help Books Stink (And a Few That Don't)
by Laura Vanderkam
Thursday, March 3, 2011
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Christine Whelan is a student of the self-help movement -- literally. This University of Pittsburgh professor did her doctoral dissertation on the self-help industry and what makes something in this genre a best-seller. Her take? She tells me that while the idea that we can make ourselves better by reading a book is perennially popular (who wouldn't want to improve their lives in 4 hours?) many books fall far short. Here's why:
1. The "real people" are made up. Anecdotes are great for illustrating a point. So we learn that "Bob" and "Jane" learned to communicate well and now their marriage is all better! Um, yeah. Real life is messy, and using composite characters, or those with the details changed, are just other words for fiction. Which has its place, but is always suspect in a genre that claims to be true.
2. They promise that change is easy. "We want three easy steps to overhaul our financial life, or washboard abs in 60 seconds a day," Whelan says. "But here's the unpleasant truth: Behavioral change is among the hardest things we can set out to do, and any book that promises you instant changes is selling you snake oil." Put it this way. If changing our lives was painless, you'd see a lot more svelte, rich and happy people walking around.
3. There's probably no evidence. Most self-help writers aren't in the business of documenting whether their ideas work for the majority of people who try them. "There's no efficacy data on the vast majority of diet self-help books," Whelan says. "Who knows if positive thinking actually cures people. But self-help books use rhetoric and repetition to prove their points."
So which books don't suck? After wading through more than 300 over the years, Whelan is partial to "books that offer solid advice to guide readers step-by-step toward long-term change. These are books that encourage the reader to get back to core virtues like perseverance, honesty, self-control and thrift -- not empty quick-fix solutions." These include Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People" (1937), M. Scott Peck's "The Road Less Traveled" (1978), Samuel Smiles' "Thrift" (1876!), Stephen Covey's "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" (1987) and a few other dark horse ones, including -- full disclosure and brag alert -- 168 Hours.
For her new book called "Generation WTF: From 'What the #%$&' to a Wise, Tenacious, and Fearless You," Whelan had her students test drive advice from the books that didn't suck, and had some interesting, actual real-people results. One student re-established contact with her grandmother a few days before the grandmother passed away. Another analyzed his TV time logs and decided to get more sleep instead. One reduced her text messages from a record 267 per day to 10.
So change is possible. It just isn't easy.
What's your favorite self-help book?
Laura Vanderkam, author of Grindhopping, blogs for BNET at 168 Hours.
Quoted: http://finance.yahoo.com/family-home/article/112206/why-most-self-help-books-stink
Friday, March 04, 2011
4 ways to find more time to date
4 ways to find more time to date
By Rachel Greenwald
You sincerely want to find a lifelong mate, really... but your schedule’s so jam-packed you just don’t have a moment to spare. Sound familiar? No question about it, dating is time-consuming. As a dating coach, I hear complaints all the time from men and women about being too busy to carve out the time required to invest in the search. The excuses include: I’m too busy at work, I’m too busy being a single parent, I’m too busy traveling, exercising, commuting, fixing my house, etc. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Here’s how to refocus on love with four tips that will help you find more time to date — and be more efficient doing it.
Tip #1: Find your number
How much time for dating do you really have? How many minutes or hours a week? The right way to find your number is to ask yourself this: If you were in a serious relationship with a great man or woman, how much time would you spend together talking on the phone, emailing, having lunch or dinner, driving to his/her house, going to movies, cuddling on the couch, etc.? Add it all up... maybe it’s 20 hours per week? Then that’s the amount of time you could — and should! — carve out to search for someone. Most people just don’t make the time to spend on their love search, but surprise, surprise: They suddenly find that time when they meet the right person.
Tip #2: Challenge your perspective
Most people ask the wrong question. They ask, “Given that I’m working 70 hours per week, how can I find time to date?” But working 70 hours per week does not have to be a “given.” Seriously. No matter who you are, no matter how big and important your job is, no matter how many people depend upon you. The right question (for your happiness) is, “I want to make finding my mate a priority, so I will spend 20 hours per week on dating-related activities. Given that commitment, how can I scale back at work in the short term?” A good reality check is to look around you and evaluate how many hours others are working or doing similar tasks, such as parenting. Are you working so hard to keep ahead of schedule? Then why not work only to keep on schedule (or, gasp, even a little behind!) instead of ahead? Do married people leave the office at 6 p.m.? If so, why can’t you? The key is finding a balanced perspective that physically and mentally allows you more time to date.
Tip #3: Try the triage approach
In hospital emergency rooms, patients are treated not on a first-come, first-served basis, but rather based on whose ailment is in most urgent need of care. This “triage approach” can be applied to dating as well. What area of your life is in most urgent need of care? For most singles I know, it’s their dating life. Especially if you’re a woman and want your own children, you know the truth is (now don’t shoot the messenger…) that your biological clock has an expiration date and your career (or home renovation, travel plans or whatever) doesn’t. If you want to find your mate quickly and efficiently, you have to make dating your #1 priority. Put those plans and projects that are keeping you so busy on the back burner for now. Really. You’ve been conditioned to put everything else first before your mate search, but by using the triage approach, you can decline taking on that extra work project, postpone changing those kitchen cabinets and fly to Australia on vacation for three weeks next year.
Tip #4: Stop wasting your time!
In real estate, it’s all about location, location, location. The dating world has a similar motto: it’s all about efficiency, efficiency, efficiency. You have to be extremely vigilant about not wasting your time when you’re looking for The One. Dating efficiently does not mean you should just be going through the motions of “getting out there.” It means no dating or flirting with unavailable candidates even though they’re very cute — no married people or people who are in committed relationships, no singles who really want kids when you really don’t. It means not going to a party with three friends and standing in the corner talking to them all night (go alone, you’ll meet new people, and the evening will be more productive). It also means not falling in love with an online fantasy for months; when you connect with someone online who seems promising, meet within two weeks and make sure the reality is as good as the fantasy. Because you’re busy, you have to constantly monitor that you are putting your limited time to the best possible use. That attitude will help jump-start your love life.
Rachel Greenwald is the author of Find a Husband After 35 Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School. She is also a dating coach and matchmaker. She is a frequent guest on The Today Show and has been featured in many magazines, from Oprah to People.
Quoted: http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=6266&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=737601
By Rachel Greenwald
You sincerely want to find a lifelong mate, really... but your schedule’s so jam-packed you just don’t have a moment to spare. Sound familiar? No question about it, dating is time-consuming. As a dating coach, I hear complaints all the time from men and women about being too busy to carve out the time required to invest in the search. The excuses include: I’m too busy at work, I’m too busy being a single parent, I’m too busy traveling, exercising, commuting, fixing my house, etc. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Here’s how to refocus on love with four tips that will help you find more time to date — and be more efficient doing it.
Tip #1: Find your number
How much time for dating do you really have? How many minutes or hours a week? The right way to find your number is to ask yourself this: If you were in a serious relationship with a great man or woman, how much time would you spend together talking on the phone, emailing, having lunch or dinner, driving to his/her house, going to movies, cuddling on the couch, etc.? Add it all up... maybe it’s 20 hours per week? Then that’s the amount of time you could — and should! — carve out to search for someone. Most people just don’t make the time to spend on their love search, but surprise, surprise: They suddenly find that time when they meet the right person.
Tip #2: Challenge your perspective
Most people ask the wrong question. They ask, “Given that I’m working 70 hours per week, how can I find time to date?” But working 70 hours per week does not have to be a “given.” Seriously. No matter who you are, no matter how big and important your job is, no matter how many people depend upon you. The right question (for your happiness) is, “I want to make finding my mate a priority, so I will spend 20 hours per week on dating-related activities. Given that commitment, how can I scale back at work in the short term?” A good reality check is to look around you and evaluate how many hours others are working or doing similar tasks, such as parenting. Are you working so hard to keep ahead of schedule? Then why not work only to keep on schedule (or, gasp, even a little behind!) instead of ahead? Do married people leave the office at 6 p.m.? If so, why can’t you? The key is finding a balanced perspective that physically and mentally allows you more time to date.
Tip #3: Try the triage approach
In hospital emergency rooms, patients are treated not on a first-come, first-served basis, but rather based on whose ailment is in most urgent need of care. This “triage approach” can be applied to dating as well. What area of your life is in most urgent need of care? For most singles I know, it’s their dating life. Especially if you’re a woman and want your own children, you know the truth is (now don’t shoot the messenger…) that your biological clock has an expiration date and your career (or home renovation, travel plans or whatever) doesn’t. If you want to find your mate quickly and efficiently, you have to make dating your #1 priority. Put those plans and projects that are keeping you so busy on the back burner for now. Really. You’ve been conditioned to put everything else first before your mate search, but by using the triage approach, you can decline taking on that extra work project, postpone changing those kitchen cabinets and fly to Australia on vacation for three weeks next year.
Tip #4: Stop wasting your time!
In real estate, it’s all about location, location, location. The dating world has a similar motto: it’s all about efficiency, efficiency, efficiency. You have to be extremely vigilant about not wasting your time when you’re looking for The One. Dating efficiently does not mean you should just be going through the motions of “getting out there.” It means no dating or flirting with unavailable candidates even though they’re very cute — no married people or people who are in committed relationships, no singles who really want kids when you really don’t. It means not going to a party with three friends and standing in the corner talking to them all night (go alone, you’ll meet new people, and the evening will be more productive). It also means not falling in love with an online fantasy for months; when you connect with someone online who seems promising, meet within two weeks and make sure the reality is as good as the fantasy. Because you’re busy, you have to constantly monitor that you are putting your limited time to the best possible use. That attitude will help jump-start your love life.
Rachel Greenwald is the author of Find a Husband After 35 Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School. She is also a dating coach and matchmaker. She is a frequent guest on The Today Show and has been featured in many magazines, from Oprah to People.
Quoted: http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=6266&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=737601
21 phrases to use to help you FIGHT RIGHT with your sweetheart.
21 phrases to use to help you FIGHT RIGHT with your sweetheart.
by Gretchen Rubin, on Thu Feb 17, 2011 6:34am PST
Almost all couples fight; the secret is to fight right.
I’ve posted before about what NOT to say during a fight. Here are some phrases that will actually help.
When the Big Man and I are arguing, I find that the single best technique to apply is HUMOR. If one of us can laugh and joke around, the crabby mood lifts instantly. But during an argument, it can be hard to see the funny side of things.
Failing that, here are twenty-one phrases that help turn down the heat of anger:
Please try to understand my point of view.
Wait, can I take that back?
You don’t have to solve this—it helps me just to talk to you.
This is important to me. Please listen.
I overreacted, I’m sorry.
I see you’re in a tough position.
I can see my part in this.
I hadn’t thought of it that way before.
I could be wrong.
Let’s agree to disagree on that.
This isn’t just your problem, it’s our problem.
I’m feeling unappreciated.
We’re getting off the subject.
You’ve convinced me.
Please keep talking to me.
I realize it's not your fault.
That came out all wrong.
I see how I contributed to the problem.
What are we really fighting about?
How can I make things better?
I’m sorry.
I love you.
I actually get tears in my eyes when I read this list. Such is the uplifting power of fighting right.
Quoted: http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/21-phrases-to-use-to-help-you-fight-right-with-your-sweetheart-2455249/
by Gretchen Rubin, on Thu Feb 17, 2011 6:34am PST
Almost all couples fight; the secret is to fight right.
I’ve posted before about what NOT to say during a fight. Here are some phrases that will actually help.
When the Big Man and I are arguing, I find that the single best technique to apply is HUMOR. If one of us can laugh and joke around, the crabby mood lifts instantly. But during an argument, it can be hard to see the funny side of things.
Failing that, here are twenty-one phrases that help turn down the heat of anger:
Please try to understand my point of view.
Wait, can I take that back?
You don’t have to solve this—it helps me just to talk to you.
This is important to me. Please listen.
I overreacted, I’m sorry.
I see you’re in a tough position.
I can see my part in this.
I hadn’t thought of it that way before.
I could be wrong.
Let’s agree to disagree on that.
This isn’t just your problem, it’s our problem.
I’m feeling unappreciated.
We’re getting off the subject.
You’ve convinced me.
Please keep talking to me.
I realize it's not your fault.
That came out all wrong.
I see how I contributed to the problem.
What are we really fighting about?
How can I make things better?
I’m sorry.
I love you.
I actually get tears in my eyes when I read this list. Such is the uplifting power of fighting right.
Quoted: http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/21-phrases-to-use-to-help-you-fight-right-with-your-sweetheart-2455249/
Alexis Ong: The problem with Singapore men
Alexis Ong: The problem with Singapore men
Wed Mar 2 23:34pm
By Alexis Ong
Where are all the real Singapore men? Alexis Ong laments the rise of the 'manscaped,' handbag-carrying, conversation-less local male.
Sometimes a friend and I play a little game whose main objective requires us to guess whether androgynous-looking guys are gay or just your garden-variety metrosexual.
It's pretty hard to tell these days, what with tight jeans, "manscaping" and stores that specialize in making the average Singaporean dude look like a lubricated human glowstick.
The most recent objects of our attention were two guys in a restaurant booth next to ours, heads bent over the table, giggling over something on an iPhone, and basically acting like a pair of teenage girls. For healthy, straight girls, I'm going to go ahead and say this kind of sucks.
Sadly, guys like these aren't anomalies in Singapore -- they're the rule.
To be fair, survivors of the post-apocalyptic desert that is the local dating scene might think me unnecessarily harsh, but after a lifetime living overseas, a girl can get pretty accustomed to some good chat. This elusive creature is almost non-existent in Singapore, save for a specific demographic of guys who know how to make a conversation tick.
Even worse, guys here don't really like girls who can. Case in point: at a friend's birthday party, the debate-happy side of me got slightly carried away in a conversation about music, and a guy actually said: "Um ... are you just like this? All the time?"
Uh, yes. It's called talking, and besides being a very telling extension of your personality, the rest of the civilized world seems to think it's a great way of getting to know someone.
The reality of the situation is, guys here just aren't used to dealing with a little spunk. Whether this is because of society's more conservative inclinations or a very Singaporean aversion to healthy conflict, studies have shown that people here are content to marry someone they don't even like.
Retired professor and relationship expert David Olson explained that people here are "afraid to say what they think and are afraid to disagree." A 2005 survey revealed that only 14 percent of Singaporean couples claimed to be "very happy" in their relationships -- within the "unhappy" camp, reasons included disliking a partner's personality or communication problems.
Personally, I blame the men. There are plenty of traditional old Chinese men in my family who just can't compute when it comes to dealing with a modern career-minded woman, much less a woman who speaks her mind..
There are a few perks to shopping at the local guy market. There's still an archaic sense of chivalry here that involves a lot of hand-holding, constant accompaniment, and this weird phenomenon of couples collapsed on each other in public places, as if they're both asleep.
The latter is a particularly fascinating physical example of the tragicomically codependent dynamic that defines many local relationships.
Guys here are either alpha-male dominant and aggressive (hello, CBD business crowd) or totally whipped -- there's hardly a visible demographic in between.
Okay, fine, so it's not exactly easy to be a guy in Singapore. Women expect a lot of you these days ... having your own place, preferably with a car and a couple of credit cards thrown in.
I'm a little hesitant to bring up the 5Cs (condo, career, credit card, car, country club) because I feel like they're slightly outdated. These days, depending on the circles you travel in, there's a lot of cultural capital and fashion savvy required, too.
Not to mention it's tough trying to get the whole "true romance" mindset going here when people look to government agencies for dating initiatives.
Even after all my bitching, it's not actually hard for a guy to be a "man" in Singapore by current standards; if you're a girl who likes being in a committed relationship with someone safe, ready, willing and able to play house with you.
These are generally the sort of people who carry their girlfriends' purses and wear matchy-matchy clothes with their partner. But these aren't the droids I'm looking for, are you?
The sad fact is that many guys here still can't come to terms with gender equality. From experience, the hyper-masculine set still don't take a woman's view seriously. And for the submissive man-wife, the message here is: grow a pair. Don't wait for someone to grow them for you.
Read about the dating advice from Anisa Hassan
Check out the Singapore lady who has given up her marriage for 10 stray dogs
Also find out why the Valentine's Day is the least romantic day of the year.
Quoted: http://sg.travel.yahoo.com/inspirations/253-alexis-ong-the-problem-with-singapore-men?cid=today
Wed Mar 2 23:34pm
By Alexis Ong
Where are all the real Singapore men? Alexis Ong laments the rise of the 'manscaped,' handbag-carrying, conversation-less local male.
Sometimes a friend and I play a little game whose main objective requires us to guess whether androgynous-looking guys are gay or just your garden-variety metrosexual.
It's pretty hard to tell these days, what with tight jeans, "manscaping" and stores that specialize in making the average Singaporean dude look like a lubricated human glowstick.
The most recent objects of our attention were two guys in a restaurant booth next to ours, heads bent over the table, giggling over something on an iPhone, and basically acting like a pair of teenage girls. For healthy, straight girls, I'm going to go ahead and say this kind of sucks.
Sadly, guys like these aren't anomalies in Singapore -- they're the rule.
To be fair, survivors of the post-apocalyptic desert that is the local dating scene might think me unnecessarily harsh, but after a lifetime living overseas, a girl can get pretty accustomed to some good chat. This elusive creature is almost non-existent in Singapore, save for a specific demographic of guys who know how to make a conversation tick.
Even worse, guys here don't really like girls who can. Case in point: at a friend's birthday party, the debate-happy side of me got slightly carried away in a conversation about music, and a guy actually said: "Um ... are you just like this? All the time?"
Uh, yes. It's called talking, and besides being a very telling extension of your personality, the rest of the civilized world seems to think it's a great way of getting to know someone.
The reality of the situation is, guys here just aren't used to dealing with a little spunk. Whether this is because of society's more conservative inclinations or a very Singaporean aversion to healthy conflict, studies have shown that people here are content to marry someone they don't even like.
Retired professor and relationship expert David Olson explained that people here are "afraid to say what they think and are afraid to disagree." A 2005 survey revealed that only 14 percent of Singaporean couples claimed to be "very happy" in their relationships -- within the "unhappy" camp, reasons included disliking a partner's personality or communication problems.
Personally, I blame the men. There are plenty of traditional old Chinese men in my family who just can't compute when it comes to dealing with a modern career-minded woman, much less a woman who speaks her mind..
There are a few perks to shopping at the local guy market. There's still an archaic sense of chivalry here that involves a lot of hand-holding, constant accompaniment, and this weird phenomenon of couples collapsed on each other in public places, as if they're both asleep.
The latter is a particularly fascinating physical example of the tragicomically codependent dynamic that defines many local relationships.
Guys here are either alpha-male dominant and aggressive (hello, CBD business crowd) or totally whipped -- there's hardly a visible demographic in between.
Okay, fine, so it's not exactly easy to be a guy in Singapore. Women expect a lot of you these days ... having your own place, preferably with a car and a couple of credit cards thrown in.
I'm a little hesitant to bring up the 5Cs (condo, career, credit card, car, country club) because I feel like they're slightly outdated. These days, depending on the circles you travel in, there's a lot of cultural capital and fashion savvy required, too.
Not to mention it's tough trying to get the whole "true romance" mindset going here when people look to government agencies for dating initiatives.
Even after all my bitching, it's not actually hard for a guy to be a "man" in Singapore by current standards; if you're a girl who likes being in a committed relationship with someone safe, ready, willing and able to play house with you.
These are generally the sort of people who carry their girlfriends' purses and wear matchy-matchy clothes with their partner. But these aren't the droids I'm looking for, are you?
The sad fact is that many guys here still can't come to terms with gender equality. From experience, the hyper-masculine set still don't take a woman's view seriously. And for the submissive man-wife, the message here is: grow a pair. Don't wait for someone to grow them for you.
Read about the dating advice from Anisa Hassan
Check out the Singapore lady who has given up her marriage for 10 stray dogs
Also find out why the Valentine's Day is the least romantic day of the year.
Quoted: http://sg.travel.yahoo.com/inspirations/253-alexis-ong-the-problem-with-singapore-men?cid=today
God's Name is Holy
John 3:16 is one of the best-known passages in Scripture, but we often misinterpret it in our minds. We know that Christ loves us, and is interested in a love relationship with us. While this message does ring true, it is still somewhat incomplete. God loves not only me, but the neighbor down the street, the man who walks his dog by your house in the morning, and in fact, the entire world! David Platt says: "The message of biblical Christianity is not 'God loves me, period,' as if we were the object of our own faith. The message of biblical Christianity is, 'God loves me so that I might make Him - His ways, His salvation, His glory, and His greatness - known among all nations.'
We are in this intimate relationship with God, As such, we can't stay stuck in only what we desire from our relationship with Him. We need to extend that to what He desires from our relationship with Him. We need to extend that to what He desires from us. And to put it simply, God desires to be glorified by all His creation. God's name and nature is Holy, and this is one of the reasons we are called to evangelism. Ezekiel 36:22 states, "But for the sake of my holy name, which you have profaned among the nations where you have gone... the nations will know that I am the Lord."
God's name is holy, and He wants the whole world He loves to know that. We are nothing more than ambassadors to let the world know.
Living Life
We are in this intimate relationship with God, As such, we can't stay stuck in only what we desire from our relationship with Him. We need to extend that to what He desires from our relationship with Him. We need to extend that to what He desires from us. And to put it simply, God desires to be glorified by all His creation. God's name and nature is Holy, and this is one of the reasons we are called to evangelism. Ezekiel 36:22 states, "But for the sake of my holy name, which you have profaned among the nations where you have gone... the nations will know that I am the Lord."
God's name is holy, and He wants the whole world He loves to know that. We are nothing more than ambassadors to let the world know.
Living Life
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