5 viewpoints about soul mates
By Barrie Dolnick
We’ve all heard stories about people who lock eyes across a crowded room and know for sure they’ll marry each other. They are soul mates, right? Could be. But that’s not the only way you meet them, and it’s certainly not always instant love. Toss your preconceived notions about soul mates and learn what the experts say. It may surprise you.
Soul mates are matches made in heaven. According to Yale Chaplain Rabbi James Ponet, traditional (Judeo-Christian) ideas about soul mates are summed up in this 2nd Century story:
A wealthy Roman matron says to a rabbinic sage, “Since your Creator God made the universe in seven days, what’s he been doing since?” The Sage replied, “He’s been making couples.” The Roman woman says, “I can do that!” She proceeds to command one hundred slaves to be coupled off and sends them to a great dwelling. After one night, the place is in shambles; the couples have fought and degenerated into chaos. In defeat and shame, she goes back to the Sage and says, “Oh, that’s no minor thing that your God does.”
And that’s why it is common to believe that marriages are made in heaven. In Hebrew the word is B’shert — roughly translated as “beloved” or “The One.” This is where the basic idea of soul mates originates
Soul mates are not a one-shot deal.
Don’t panic. You didn’t miss meeting your soul mate when you skipped going to that party last weekend. Soul mates find you if you’re open to them. Besides, you don’t have one great love — you have many potential great loves. According to New York Minister and Psycho-Spiritual Counselor, Susan Lemak, soul mates are profound soul connections in your life. When you’re with one, you stop looking, so you’re not aware of the other potential soul mates around you. While you’re thinking how hard it is to find The One, the reality is that it’s hard for you to choose. A soul mate is someone who reflects or matches your energy and your path in life. A soul mate is someone whose power and potential are complementary to your own. And you’ll find them in the most unlikely places. Lemak adds, “You know that great person sitting near you at work? The one who makes you laugh, but might be 10 pounds overweight? Maybe not the coolest person — but dig a little deeper. You could find a soul mate in there.”
Soul mates are about work, not play.
The word “soul” opens a gigantic can of karma. While dating and light relationships are all about fun and playfulness, soul mates are all about deep emotional support, trust and faith. When you choose to go deeper with someone, you’re opening yourself up — you become emotionally vulnerable. Susan Strong, San Mateo-based astrologer and metaphysical counselor jokes, “Sometimes our soul mates become our cross to bear. You marry someone who is your soul mate and, over time, you realize you’re connected not just through chemistry, but because you are there to help each other.”
Most guys don’t think about soul mates, no matter what The Bachelor says.
Strong also considers the very concept of soul mates a more feminine event. “Men don’t look for soul mates nor do they really think about meeting their soul mate. Sure, a man can be in a happy, committed, connected relationship, but he won’t necessarily tell his friends that he’s with his soul mate.” Women are more aware of a soul connection because they are more introspective in that way. Women need to feel a deeper connection with a man. That soul connection is there — but men just don’t define it.
Soul mates are not necessarily permanent.
Like the ending of a fairy tale, we’re often raised to believe that a soul mate is our “happily ever after.” How old were you when realized that fairy tales don’t come true? Soul mates are certainly considered the prince charming and his princess of modern romance. Yet what happens if your romance goes sour — that soul mate turns out to be a mismatch? Of course you’re not out of luck. You move on, heal, and open up to the next soul mate. If you look at the traditional idea of soul mates, your beloved, you’ll realize that a higher force may have more than one love in store for you. To love someone and be loved is a deeply spiritual state. In the words of St. Theresa of Avila, “Accustom yourself continually to make many acts of love, for they enkindle and melt the soul.”
Astro-coach Barrie Dolnick helps people find love and happiness by understanding their stars and their karmic energy. She is the author of twelve books, including Enlighten Up! and KarmaBabe.
Friday, December 10, 2010
4 cures for a relationship relapse
4 cures for a relationship relapse
By Meredith Broussard
In medical terms, a “relapse” happens when you think you’ve suffered through the worst of an illness and feel like you’re on the road to recovery, until bam! — out of the blue, your symptoms return, sending you back to bed with a box of Kleenex. Now, “relationship relapse,” on the other hand, is not an official medical diagnosis. But that doesn’t mean it’s not very, very real to the people it strikes. Here’s what happens: Just when you think you’re starting to get over your ex and realize all the flaws in your relationship, you run into him or her somewhere. Maybe it’s accidental, or you make an excuse to get together — perhaps for the sake of closure. You try to be just friends, sure. But you end up hanging out, and maybe you start sitting dangerously close to one another. Promises are made. There is kissing, a brief feeling of euphoria, and then bam! You’re back together, along with all of your old dysfunctional patterns: renting movies, fighting over silly things, wondering if there is anyone better out there.
If this scenario sounds all too familiar — or maybe you’re living it as you read this — I’m here to warn you that relationship relapse can be deadly to your dating life. That’s because by revisiting your past, you’re taking yourself off the market — thus preventing you from finding The One. So, the next time you’re tempted to slip back into an old relationship, check out these tips instead.
Cure #1: Purge ex-related toxins from your environment
You’ll forget your ex faster without any reminders, so you should immediately begin to remove all traces of him or her from your life. First step: cell phone. Erase your ex’s name, digits, friends, pictures. This way, you’re not tempted to call — and you won’t “accidentally” dial (Freud would say there are no accidents). Next, purge your computer: Erase photos, emails, files, anything having to do with your ex. If you have trouble letting go, burn everything onto a CD and hide it someplace. Finally, take all the physical evidence (clothes, gifts, artwork, sporting equipment, etc.), and get rid of it. You may want to have a yard sale — this is the perfect opportunity to clear your clutter and make way for the new, single you. If you get hives at the idea of throwing away perfectly good stuff, try making a storage box and hide it somewhere. Take everything that reminds you of your ex, pack it up in a cardboard box, and stash it in your attic.
Cure #2: Avoid abusing your body as punishment
Pushing yourself too hard by overdoing work/socializing/exercise/consuming anything, while an effective way to numb post-breakup pain, also lowers your resistance to infection — from germs and from ex-lovers. Think of it this way: When you get sick, you get emotional. Maybe you feel sorry for yourself, maybe you decide you don’t just want your ex, but you need your ex to help you through. And once your ex drops by with orange juice and tissues, it’s all over. And, of course, we probably don’t need to tell you that getting sick can also lead to calling the ex for help. No surprise here, but these calls never go well. We’re not saying you need to have your doctor on standby, but it’s best to figure out what’s driving your sniffles, stomach bug or shin splints. See which way your mood is headed by asking yourself: Do you want to overeat because you’re having fun with your friends, or because you’re not having fun since you wish your ex were around? If you’re leaning toward the latter answer, order a seltzer and keep gym trips to two hours or less.
Cure #3: Safeguard yourself against emotional stress
You’re cruising along with your recovery when wham! — you get canned from your job, a pet dies, or you hit some other personal crisis. Think it’s OK to lean on your ex for a spell until you’re back on your feet? Tempting, sure, but no. Just ask Ellen Rosenholz from Philadelphia, PA: “My ex-boyfriend said, ‘I don’t want a girlfriend’ so we broke up,” she recalls. “Then, my pet died and I had to call him. And he had to take me out to dinner to comfort me… I realized that I missed him.” They got back together immediately, but it didn’t last long; he was compassionate, but he still wasn’t ready to commit. Since times of personal crisis are so unstable, the impulse to run towards someone who’s served as a rock in your recent past is understandable. Keep in mind, though, that your ex isn’t the only person who cares about you. Your mom, dad or best friend from high school would probably all be happy to come to your emotional aid. Plan ahead and identify a friend or family member you can call in times of need.
Cure #4: Abstain from physical intimacy at all costs
Do not be tempted to return to the scene of the crime! Not once more for old times’ sake, no friends-with-benefits temporary agreements — all of these things are delusions if you’re really trying to avoid a relationship relapse. One midnight booty call leads to another, and before you know it you’re back to the same old argument over who gets first dibs on the Sunday Op-Ed page. Rachel Cope from Miami can relate: “I was dating a guy for a year and a half and actually had planned on ending the relationship — then he broke up with me,” she recalls. “We did the breakup thing, which led to an awful limbo after which I went to my room and cried hysterically... Then I realized that even if things did go back to normal between the two of us, that normal had never been that great.” Rachel took decisive action and ended the back-on relationship immediately. Need some ideas of what to do instead? Make a list of all the things you disliked about your ex or about the relationship. Carry it in your wallet and consult it whenever you’re tempted to re-establish contact. Then, get busy: Pick up a new hobby, go on an adventure, or travel somewhere you’ve always wanted to visit. Join a club or group that involves meeting new people and getting out of the house regularly. You never know who’s out there... and that’s your better bet than revisiting your past.
Meredith Broussard is the editor of a new anthology The Encyclopedia of Exes: 26 Stories by Men of Love Gone Wrong. Her website is www.failedrelationships.com.
By Meredith Broussard
In medical terms, a “relapse” happens when you think you’ve suffered through the worst of an illness and feel like you’re on the road to recovery, until bam! — out of the blue, your symptoms return, sending you back to bed with a box of Kleenex. Now, “relationship relapse,” on the other hand, is not an official medical diagnosis. But that doesn’t mean it’s not very, very real to the people it strikes. Here’s what happens: Just when you think you’re starting to get over your ex and realize all the flaws in your relationship, you run into him or her somewhere. Maybe it’s accidental, or you make an excuse to get together — perhaps for the sake of closure. You try to be just friends, sure. But you end up hanging out, and maybe you start sitting dangerously close to one another. Promises are made. There is kissing, a brief feeling of euphoria, and then bam! You’re back together, along with all of your old dysfunctional patterns: renting movies, fighting over silly things, wondering if there is anyone better out there.
If this scenario sounds all too familiar — or maybe you’re living it as you read this — I’m here to warn you that relationship relapse can be deadly to your dating life. That’s because by revisiting your past, you’re taking yourself off the market — thus preventing you from finding The One. So, the next time you’re tempted to slip back into an old relationship, check out these tips instead.
Cure #1: Purge ex-related toxins from your environment
You’ll forget your ex faster without any reminders, so you should immediately begin to remove all traces of him or her from your life. First step: cell phone. Erase your ex’s name, digits, friends, pictures. This way, you’re not tempted to call — and you won’t “accidentally” dial (Freud would say there are no accidents). Next, purge your computer: Erase photos, emails, files, anything having to do with your ex. If you have trouble letting go, burn everything onto a CD and hide it someplace. Finally, take all the physical evidence (clothes, gifts, artwork, sporting equipment, etc.), and get rid of it. You may want to have a yard sale — this is the perfect opportunity to clear your clutter and make way for the new, single you. If you get hives at the idea of throwing away perfectly good stuff, try making a storage box and hide it somewhere. Take everything that reminds you of your ex, pack it up in a cardboard box, and stash it in your attic.
Cure #2: Avoid abusing your body as punishment
Pushing yourself too hard by overdoing work/socializing/exercise/consuming anything, while an effective way to numb post-breakup pain, also lowers your resistance to infection — from germs and from ex-lovers. Think of it this way: When you get sick, you get emotional. Maybe you feel sorry for yourself, maybe you decide you don’t just want your ex, but you need your ex to help you through. And once your ex drops by with orange juice and tissues, it’s all over. And, of course, we probably don’t need to tell you that getting sick can also lead to calling the ex for help. No surprise here, but these calls never go well. We’re not saying you need to have your doctor on standby, but it’s best to figure out what’s driving your sniffles, stomach bug or shin splints. See which way your mood is headed by asking yourself: Do you want to overeat because you’re having fun with your friends, or because you’re not having fun since you wish your ex were around? If you’re leaning toward the latter answer, order a seltzer and keep gym trips to two hours or less.
Cure #3: Safeguard yourself against emotional stress
You’re cruising along with your recovery when wham! — you get canned from your job, a pet dies, or you hit some other personal crisis. Think it’s OK to lean on your ex for a spell until you’re back on your feet? Tempting, sure, but no. Just ask Ellen Rosenholz from Philadelphia, PA: “My ex-boyfriend said, ‘I don’t want a girlfriend’ so we broke up,” she recalls. “Then, my pet died and I had to call him. And he had to take me out to dinner to comfort me… I realized that I missed him.” They got back together immediately, but it didn’t last long; he was compassionate, but he still wasn’t ready to commit. Since times of personal crisis are so unstable, the impulse to run towards someone who’s served as a rock in your recent past is understandable. Keep in mind, though, that your ex isn’t the only person who cares about you. Your mom, dad or best friend from high school would probably all be happy to come to your emotional aid. Plan ahead and identify a friend or family member you can call in times of need.
Cure #4: Abstain from physical intimacy at all costs
Do not be tempted to return to the scene of the crime! Not once more for old times’ sake, no friends-with-benefits temporary agreements — all of these things are delusions if you’re really trying to avoid a relationship relapse. One midnight booty call leads to another, and before you know it you’re back to the same old argument over who gets first dibs on the Sunday Op-Ed page. Rachel Cope from Miami can relate: “I was dating a guy for a year and a half and actually had planned on ending the relationship — then he broke up with me,” she recalls. “We did the breakup thing, which led to an awful limbo after which I went to my room and cried hysterically... Then I realized that even if things did go back to normal between the two of us, that normal had never been that great.” Rachel took decisive action and ended the back-on relationship immediately. Need some ideas of what to do instead? Make a list of all the things you disliked about your ex or about the relationship. Carry it in your wallet and consult it whenever you’re tempted to re-establish contact. Then, get busy: Pick up a new hobby, go on an adventure, or travel somewhere you’ve always wanted to visit. Join a club or group that involves meeting new people and getting out of the house regularly. You never know who’s out there... and that’s your better bet than revisiting your past.
Meredith Broussard is the editor of a new anthology The Encyclopedia of Exes: 26 Stories by Men of Love Gone Wrong. Her website is www.failedrelationships.com.
What your TV habits say about your relationship
What your TV habits say about your relationship
By Bob Strauss
You probably don’t need to hear this, but everything you do in the course of a relationship is potentially fraught with meaning — from how you load the dishwasher (bowls facing down or to the side? utensils sticking business-side up or down?) to how you fold the laundry (whites first, then colors? colors first, then whites? what’s “folding” mean?) to, yes, how you watch TV. I don’t have much to share about kitchen duty or the pros and cons of fabric softener, but if there’s one thing I’m all over, it’s spacing out in front of the tube. So what does it mean if, say, you and your sweetie would like nothing more than to spend an entire weekend watching season one of 24 on DVD? First, though, we should get one thing straight: Unless you and your partner are genuine, cosmically ordained soul mates, what you choose to watch on TV will always entail a certain amount of compromise. Says Tom Grayman, senior director of research at Spike TV, “Not a whole lot of men are fans of the shows women like. If a guy’s watching Dancing with the Stars, it’s to get on his girlfriend’s good side — so she’ll let him watch what he really wants to watch the next time.” (Adds Grayman, for good measure: “For most men, watching TV together is an opportunity to score required togetherness time — they really want to hang out with the guys, talk about sports and look at women.”)
On that slightly sour note, what do the following genres portend for the state of your relationship?
Here’s a quick (TV) guide.
Reality shows:
If I were a cynical person, I’d suggest that couples who enjoy snuggling up in front of Real Housewives or Survivor openly delight in the misery of others and once were the jocks and snub queens who made the rest of us miserable in high school. Not so fast, says Debbie Magids, Ph.D., author of All the Good Ones Aren’t Taken: Change the Way You Date and Find Lasting Love: “Reality TV is such a hit because it touches all of our emotions, including joy, compassion, anger and sadness. It also taps into many relationship issues and is a good jumping-off point for talking about your own relationship.”
Lifestyle shows:
Not that many guys spend their days fantasizing how their bathrooms would look in charcoal and fuchsia, as opposed to, say, heaving a game-winning three-pointer in the NCAA Championship game. If you regularly snuggle up with your girlfriend to watch How Clean Is Your House? or Rate My Space, it’s either because a) you lost a bet and had to cede control of the remote for the evening, or b) your relationship is going so well that you’re thinking about moving in together.
Cartoons:
As a long-time SpongeBob fan, my theory is that women watch cartoons with their boyfriends for the same reason they watch cartoons with their five-year-old nephews: they may not care all that much about what’s going on, but they enjoy how their companions are enjoying the show. This profile may differ when it comes to late-night cult ’toons. Says Tim, 45, from Chicago, “I had a great first date with a woman that essentially involved babysitting her four-year-old daughter. It was hard getting the kid to sleep. I finally broke out my harmonica, and as I was playing, her mom bent over and whispered in my ear, ‘Let’s get a snack later and watch Robot Chicken.’”
Detective shows:
There’s one major exception to Tom Grayman’s “Men are from ESPN, women are from HGTV” dynamic, and that’s hour-long cop shows like CSI: Miami or The Profiler. (Grayman says CSI has the highest female viewership of any show on the testosterone-rich Spike TV.) Watching these shows together is a sure sign of a mature, balanced, give-and-take relationship; however, if one of you happens to be taking notes, it may also be a sign that the other’s about to turn up in a public park with a couple of internal organs mysteriously missing.
Science-fiction shows:
“Watching sci-fi together is a sign of imagination and an ability to suspend reality,” Dr. Magids says. “It can create great romance, filled with fantasies and a willingness to explore as a couple.” (Translation: At parties, these two show up as Worf from Star Trek: The Next Generation and Mystique, the shape-shifting blue chick from X-Men.) However, she warns, “Many people in this category have trouble when the relationship deepens and moves past the honeymoon phase.” A final, cautionary note: You’d think a licensed marriage therapist from FreudTV would have telling things to say about what couples watch on the tube, but says Michael DeMarco, “I’m not sure it means anything if you watch one type of TV over the other, except that you’re spending time watching other people and characters live their lives and their relationships instead of living your own. A TV night can quickly turn into watching TV every night of the week — and studies show that, especially at the beginning of a relationship, couples should be out doing fun and exciting things.”
Bob Strauss is a freelance writer and children’s book author who lives in New York City. He’s also written the Dinosaur guide on About.com, the online information network owned by the New York Times.
By Bob Strauss
You probably don’t need to hear this, but everything you do in the course of a relationship is potentially fraught with meaning — from how you load the dishwasher (bowls facing down or to the side? utensils sticking business-side up or down?) to how you fold the laundry (whites first, then colors? colors first, then whites? what’s “folding” mean?) to, yes, how you watch TV. I don’t have much to share about kitchen duty or the pros and cons of fabric softener, but if there’s one thing I’m all over, it’s spacing out in front of the tube. So what does it mean if, say, you and your sweetie would like nothing more than to spend an entire weekend watching season one of 24 on DVD? First, though, we should get one thing straight: Unless you and your partner are genuine, cosmically ordained soul mates, what you choose to watch on TV will always entail a certain amount of compromise. Says Tom Grayman, senior director of research at Spike TV, “Not a whole lot of men are fans of the shows women like. If a guy’s watching Dancing with the Stars, it’s to get on his girlfriend’s good side — so she’ll let him watch what he really wants to watch the next time.” (Adds Grayman, for good measure: “For most men, watching TV together is an opportunity to score required togetherness time — they really want to hang out with the guys, talk about sports and look at women.”)
On that slightly sour note, what do the following genres portend for the state of your relationship?
Here’s a quick (TV) guide.
Reality shows:
If I were a cynical person, I’d suggest that couples who enjoy snuggling up in front of Real Housewives or Survivor openly delight in the misery of others and once were the jocks and snub queens who made the rest of us miserable in high school. Not so fast, says Debbie Magids, Ph.D., author of All the Good Ones Aren’t Taken: Change the Way You Date and Find Lasting Love: “Reality TV is such a hit because it touches all of our emotions, including joy, compassion, anger and sadness. It also taps into many relationship issues and is a good jumping-off point for talking about your own relationship.”
Lifestyle shows:
Not that many guys spend their days fantasizing how their bathrooms would look in charcoal and fuchsia, as opposed to, say, heaving a game-winning three-pointer in the NCAA Championship game. If you regularly snuggle up with your girlfriend to watch How Clean Is Your House? or Rate My Space, it’s either because a) you lost a bet and had to cede control of the remote for the evening, or b) your relationship is going so well that you’re thinking about moving in together.
Cartoons:
As a long-time SpongeBob fan, my theory is that women watch cartoons with their boyfriends for the same reason they watch cartoons with their five-year-old nephews: they may not care all that much about what’s going on, but they enjoy how their companions are enjoying the show. This profile may differ when it comes to late-night cult ’toons. Says Tim, 45, from Chicago, “I had a great first date with a woman that essentially involved babysitting her four-year-old daughter. It was hard getting the kid to sleep. I finally broke out my harmonica, and as I was playing, her mom bent over and whispered in my ear, ‘Let’s get a snack later and watch Robot Chicken.’”
Detective shows:
There’s one major exception to Tom Grayman’s “Men are from ESPN, women are from HGTV” dynamic, and that’s hour-long cop shows like CSI: Miami or The Profiler. (Grayman says CSI has the highest female viewership of any show on the testosterone-rich Spike TV.) Watching these shows together is a sure sign of a mature, balanced, give-and-take relationship; however, if one of you happens to be taking notes, it may also be a sign that the other’s about to turn up in a public park with a couple of internal organs mysteriously missing.
Science-fiction shows:
“Watching sci-fi together is a sign of imagination and an ability to suspend reality,” Dr. Magids says. “It can create great romance, filled with fantasies and a willingness to explore as a couple.” (Translation: At parties, these two show up as Worf from Star Trek: The Next Generation and Mystique, the shape-shifting blue chick from X-Men.) However, she warns, “Many people in this category have trouble when the relationship deepens and moves past the honeymoon phase.” A final, cautionary note: You’d think a licensed marriage therapist from FreudTV would have telling things to say about what couples watch on the tube, but says Michael DeMarco, “I’m not sure it means anything if you watch one type of TV over the other, except that you’re spending time watching other people and characters live their lives and their relationships instead of living your own. A TV night can quickly turn into watching TV every night of the week — and studies show that, especially at the beginning of a relationship, couples should be out doing fun and exciting things.”
Bob Strauss is a freelance writer and children’s book author who lives in New York City. He’s also written the Dinosaur guide on About.com, the online information network owned by the New York Times.
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