5 Shy Girl Pick-Up Moves
Easy, timid-friendly tactics for expanding your dating horizons.
By Julie Leung
Most of us can't muster the courage to stalk up to the next potential mate we see, write our number on his hand and wink Samantha Jones-style. Brava to those gutsy gals with self-esteems of steel, but some of us still have high sensitivity to emotions like, say, rejection and failure? Rejection Fear Extra For Good-Lookers
Luckily, there are shy girl alternatives to obvious flirting that have proven effective time and time again. And the best part is, they don't require you to go out on a limb. In fact, you don't even have to leave the tree trunk. And even if dates don't immediately result, the least you get is a huge confidence boost, and who couldn't use that? Top 5 Shy Guy Pick-Up Moves
1. Borrow something from the friendly and cute neighbor. Baking items such as flour and sugar are a great fail-safe because you can present a slice of the finished product as a thank you. If the guy lives too many doors down to make a stunt like that seem natural, ask for something a more difficult to find, say a ladder or hammer for a project. If you're lucky, he'll even offer to help.
2. Crack an inside joke with a male colleague. Sense of humor rates high among the traits men and women want in the opposite sex. Even if the joke is something Carrot Top would blanche at, most people can appreciate the occasional groan-inducing pun. Take a page from the Pam and Jim's book of nerdy courtship (courtesy of The Office). Office Romances Can Be Tricky
3. The next small favor a guy does for you (e.g. opens a door or lets you out of the elevator first), look him in the eye and give an appreciative smile. Studies show that people interpret eye contact and smiling as signs that you like them (duh). Plus, a man with common courtesy has at least one point already in his favor. Is Chivalry Dead? 5 Men Discuss
4. Bond with a stranger on something small. No men in your life? No problem. Perfect the "chance conversation" by commenting on what the person-of-interest is holding or doing. A grocery store scenario: Ask the guy in front of you at the checkout line where he got [insert food product here]. Start chit-chatting about said product, ask him to hold your place in line as you go get it, come back and talk about different ways to cook said product. Other easy subjects? His pet or a book he's looking at in a bookstore. 7 Surprisingly Good Places To Meet Someone
5. Let your brazen friend do the ice-breaking. Some of the best moments on CBS's How I Met Your Mother are when the overly suave Barney (Neil Patrick Harris) pulls the sudden "Have you met, Ted?" line on an unsuspecting girl and an unsuspecting Ted. As exaggerated as these scenes may be, relying on a bolder friend to make introductions is a pretty smart move. Even if said friend does it in an obnoxious manner, the end justifies the means, right?
Happy non-aggressive flirting!
Quoted: http://www.yourtango.com/200935522/5-shy-girl-pick-moves
Saturday, January 15, 2011
5 Shy-Guy Pick-Up Moves
5 Shy-Guy Pick-Up Moves
Just because a guy is shy, doesn't mean he's not interested. Behold, shy guy flirting moves.
The gals over at Lemondrop featured a great move for a shy girl to initiate a conversation with a guy at a bar. It's such a great technique that I've unwittingly been the victim of it without even knowing (be sure to check it out).
There are some guys who do the not talking thing pretty well, they're called Silent Assassins and they're usually very handsome, rich or somehow renowned (or some combo thereof). But other shy guys have employ a few great little moves to get the ball rolling, sometimes these moves are a little too subtle, so for your edification here are a few shy guy* techniques so you know when he's hitting on you (from most to least obvious):
5) "The bartender gave us too many drinks." You'd be surprised how often this works. For the most part, everyone is in on the scam (especially with shots or champagne) but it provides the same opportunity to "open up a set" as buying drinks but without all the pressure.
4) "Damn it all to hell, my buddy is talking to some girl, do you play pool?" His buddy may not exist. The cooperative competitiveness of doubles billiards may open a lot of doors. Plus all of that talk of sticks, balls and pockets should lead to some really fun double entendre repartee. (My one actual piece of advice to ladies on the prowl is to become competent at pool and/ or Buck Hunter, trust me on this one.)
3) "I'm trying to find "Whatever You Like," do you know who sings it?" The jukebox is a fantastic resource for the shy guy. He may carry extra singles in case you're riding with just your credit card and ID. He may run out of songs he wants to hear on his fiver and start taking requests. You may end up dancing and singing along with him to TI.
2) "Does this look stupid?" Critiquing fashion is second-nature for most gals. And it's almost a cliché that a guy needs some sort of sartorial support. Whether or not to peacock that sweet belt buckle is an old fallback (AKA to front tuck or not to front tuck**).
1) "After you order your drinks, can you please send the bartender to me?" Objective one: he's implied that you're attractive. Objective two: he's identified that he is a gentleman by letting you go first. Objective three: he's shown a modicum of vulnerability by admitting that he needs help. Objective four: the ice has been, if not broken, chipped. The flip side of this move is that he offers to get the bartender's attention and proves that he's chivalrous and connected (yeah yeah, it was in Knocked Up, big whoop, wanna fight about it?).
Stay alert and you may just bag yourself a shy guy.
*Note: Unlike hot girls, shy guys don't meet in groups, we tried once and no one would talk first.
**Note: In some precincts, it is called the "frat tuck."
Quoted: http://www.yourtango.com/200915743/5-shy-guy-pick-moves
Just because a guy is shy, doesn't mean he's not interested. Behold, shy guy flirting moves.
The gals over at Lemondrop featured a great move for a shy girl to initiate a conversation with a guy at a bar. It's such a great technique that I've unwittingly been the victim of it without even knowing (be sure to check it out).
There are some guys who do the not talking thing pretty well, they're called Silent Assassins and they're usually very handsome, rich or somehow renowned (or some combo thereof). But other shy guys have employ a few great little moves to get the ball rolling, sometimes these moves are a little too subtle, so for your edification here are a few shy guy* techniques so you know when he's hitting on you (from most to least obvious):
5) "The bartender gave us too many drinks." You'd be surprised how often this works. For the most part, everyone is in on the scam (especially with shots or champagne) but it provides the same opportunity to "open up a set" as buying drinks but without all the pressure.
4) "Damn it all to hell, my buddy is talking to some girl, do you play pool?" His buddy may not exist. The cooperative competitiveness of doubles billiards may open a lot of doors. Plus all of that talk of sticks, balls and pockets should lead to some really fun double entendre repartee. (My one actual piece of advice to ladies on the prowl is to become competent at pool and/ or Buck Hunter, trust me on this one.)
3) "I'm trying to find "Whatever You Like," do you know who sings it?" The jukebox is a fantastic resource for the shy guy. He may carry extra singles in case you're riding with just your credit card and ID. He may run out of songs he wants to hear on his fiver and start taking requests. You may end up dancing and singing along with him to TI.
2) "Does this look stupid?" Critiquing fashion is second-nature for most gals. And it's almost a cliché that a guy needs some sort of sartorial support. Whether or not to peacock that sweet belt buckle is an old fallback (AKA to front tuck or not to front tuck**).
1) "After you order your drinks, can you please send the bartender to me?" Objective one: he's implied that you're attractive. Objective two: he's identified that he is a gentleman by letting you go first. Objective three: he's shown a modicum of vulnerability by admitting that he needs help. Objective four: the ice has been, if not broken, chipped. The flip side of this move is that he offers to get the bartender's attention and proves that he's chivalrous and connected (yeah yeah, it was in Knocked Up, big whoop, wanna fight about it?).
Stay alert and you may just bag yourself a shy guy.
*Note: Unlike hot girls, shy guys don't meet in groups, we tried once and no one would talk first.
**Note: In some precincts, it is called the "frat tuck."
Quoted: http://www.yourtango.com/200915743/5-shy-guy-pick-moves
4 First-Date Conversation Killers
4 First-Date Conversation Killers
by YourTango.com, on Mon Dec 14, 2009 1:04pm PST
Having a good conversation at a bar or on a first date is like trying to solve a differential equation. There are so many variables: the atmosphere, the sound level, the person, not to mention the many no man's lands on which the conversation can become beached. It's no wonder that many of these interactions go bust. So while perfecting the casual, sexy bar chat is a fine science far too complicated to cover in just one blog post, we at Love Buzz can help get you started on the right track by answering the age-old question of what went wrong with your conversation.
1. It Got Too Ideological: Politics, Religion and Sports—the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit of conversation-killers. You never know if you're going to step on that verbal tripwire and accidentaly trample someone's deeply-held convictions. Even if the other person invites the topic, avoid standing on your personal soap box. It can be as easy as letting slip the fact that you bleed red and blue—at which point your conversation partner may throw a drink in your face and storm off in a huff. That's an exaggeration, but hey, Yankee blood runs deep. When To Talk Politics In A New Relationship
2. It Got Too Personal: Telling a woman you just met that her hair smells nice isn't a compliment. It's a warning sign that you are standing too damn close. Back it up, Casanova, and keep the conversation away from body odor and other physical attributes. Furthermore, to stave off the "creepster" vibe, don't ask for too many details outright. Instead of asking where she lives (though a typical query, it can seem stalker-like), open up about yourself first and then ask her what neighborhood she's from. 4 Tricks To Instantly Connect With Anyone
3. It Got Too Showy: Confidence is charming; cockiness is deterring. There's a fine line between the two, but a good way to check it before you wreck it is to be mindful of your body language and verbal delivery. Smirking and winking is cartoonish, but it's surprising how many guys have tried the Rico Suave approach.
4. It Got Too One-sided or Drawn Out: While your dissertation on the governmental policies of 19th-century Guinea may be fascinating to you, a bar isn't the time and place to recite an abstract of it for 15 minutes. There are only so many iterations of "mmmhmm," "oh" and "interesting" a person can cycle through before she starts making desperate "help me" eyes toward her friends. Make sure you pick a topic that both of you can speak on.
Quoted: http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/4-first-date-conversation-killers-554116/;_ylt=ApZA0PJztUWJ76f3ITaIAJ2DbqU5
by YourTango.com, on Mon Dec 14, 2009 1:04pm PST
Having a good conversation at a bar or on a first date is like trying to solve a differential equation. There are so many variables: the atmosphere, the sound level, the person, not to mention the many no man's lands on which the conversation can become beached. It's no wonder that many of these interactions go bust. So while perfecting the casual, sexy bar chat is a fine science far too complicated to cover in just one blog post, we at Love Buzz can help get you started on the right track by answering the age-old question of what went wrong with your conversation.
1. It Got Too Ideological: Politics, Religion and Sports—the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit of conversation-killers. You never know if you're going to step on that verbal tripwire and accidentaly trample someone's deeply-held convictions. Even if the other person invites the topic, avoid standing on your personal soap box. It can be as easy as letting slip the fact that you bleed red and blue—at which point your conversation partner may throw a drink in your face and storm off in a huff. That's an exaggeration, but hey, Yankee blood runs deep. When To Talk Politics In A New Relationship
2. It Got Too Personal: Telling a woman you just met that her hair smells nice isn't a compliment. It's a warning sign that you are standing too damn close. Back it up, Casanova, and keep the conversation away from body odor and other physical attributes. Furthermore, to stave off the "creepster" vibe, don't ask for too many details outright. Instead of asking where she lives (though a typical query, it can seem stalker-like), open up about yourself first and then ask her what neighborhood she's from. 4 Tricks To Instantly Connect With Anyone
3. It Got Too Showy: Confidence is charming; cockiness is deterring. There's a fine line between the two, but a good way to check it before you wreck it is to be mindful of your body language and verbal delivery. Smirking and winking is cartoonish, but it's surprising how many guys have tried the Rico Suave approach.
4. It Got Too One-sided or Drawn Out: While your dissertation on the governmental policies of 19th-century Guinea may be fascinating to you, a bar isn't the time and place to recite an abstract of it for 15 minutes. There are only so many iterations of "mmmhmm," "oh" and "interesting" a person can cycle through before she starts making desperate "help me" eyes toward her friends. Make sure you pick a topic that both of you can speak on.
Quoted: http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/4-first-date-conversation-killers-554116/;_ylt=ApZA0PJztUWJ76f3ITaIAJ2DbqU5
Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder
Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder
By: Kriss Erickson (View Profile)
This article first appeared in the October, 2009 edition of The INsider newsletter.
I was diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder (DID) in May of 2005. Dissociative identity disorder is a complex disorder that is caused by repeated, prolonged abuse. The kinds of abuse that cause DID can be physical or sexual but often are a combination of physical, sexual, emotional, and spiritual abuse.
Many people who develop DID do so as a result of abuse that begins early in childhood. In my case, the abuse began in vitro, with violence done by and to my mother. So though I wasn’t diagnosed with DID until I was forty-six, I’ve had this disorder all my life.
The extreme abuse that causes DID creates a disorder that affects a person on all levels. For example, my nervous system has been damaged by decades of living in fear and by the physical violence I suffered. The combined forms of abuse also damaged my emotional state and my spiritual being to the point where I needed therapy to relearn the idea that I really am human and that I deserve to exist.
Movies like Sybil and The Three Faces of Eve, created when DID was called Multiple Personality Disorder, show how difficult it is for an adult living with DID to function in society. As the names of this disorder suggest, more than one personality exists inside a person with DID. The DSM-IV says that at least two distinct personalities need to be present for a diagnosis of DID. I had several dozen by the time I was five, and remember at that time deciding that I wouldn’t have more than 207 because that was the number of
bones known to be in the human body at that time. From my childlike perspective, if I had more inner personalities than bones, I wouldn’t know where to put them.
One of the things about DID that I haven’t heard talked about is how, why and when the inner personalities, or inner ones, are created. In writing Sky Eyes, a fictionalized memoir about my life growing up with DID, I thought through the catalysts that prompted the development of each personality and my logic in creating them.
Marla, for example, was created when I was about two. Marla is good at finding food. She learned to find leftovers in the paper sack beside the sink when I wasn’t allowed to eat. She was also good at hiding things so was able to create stashes of food. I created her when I was so desperate for food yet so terrified of taking food from my parents that I needed a separate part of me to do that for me.
As a child, I didn’t have what is called “co-consciousness.” Co-consciousness is an awareness of other Inner Ones. Sometimes I would see myself doing something yet feel like I was watching someone else on television. Often as a child I would just blank out when an inner one came to the surface. I should also note that though I am female, I have male personalities as well as animal and inanimate object personalities like radios.
Examples of some of the functions of the inner ones:
George: Developed when I was four, to take beatings.
Radio: Developed when I was six or seven, to play music to drown out my parents’ arguments.
Sunny: Developed when I was three or four, to be bright and happy no matter what happened. DID is a disorder that demands constant adjustment.
Since each inner one was created for a specific job, as an adult I would be able to do a part of a job, say weeding a garden, using George’s strength. I didn’t know at that time that I was George but would feel masculine and strong. Then I’d stub my toe and two year-old “Suzette” would come out and throw a tantrum. When I sang, “Julia” would use my vocal chords while another inner ine memorized words. As you can see, sometimes, as in the garden example, the inner ones worked separately, and sometimes as in the music example, several parts worked together.
The biggest challenge of having DID is showing a consistent personality to the world. Because DID is largely an invisible disorder that is often misdiagnosed as posttraumatic stress disorder, ADHD, panic disorder, depression, or other things, I was often judged as being immature or inconsistent and received very little understanding. The most helpful counseling I received taught me to develop inner communication and to develop a sense of safety that has allowed many of my inner ones to integrate with my main personality.
Though I’m still struggling to heal my nervous system and am still unable to maintain a work schedule, I do freelance writing and artwork and sing original songs in local coffee shops and outdoor fairs. I do excellent work but have a very hard time promoting myself. I’m fortunate to have been married to my husband for almost twenty-three years now. He has provided me a stable life, a nice home and a wonderful yard where I can commune with nature.
Quoted:http://www.divinecaroline.com/22190/90903-living-dissociative-identity-disorder
By: Kriss Erickson (View Profile)
This article first appeared in the October, 2009 edition of The INsider newsletter.
I was diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder (DID) in May of 2005. Dissociative identity disorder is a complex disorder that is caused by repeated, prolonged abuse. The kinds of abuse that cause DID can be physical or sexual but often are a combination of physical, sexual, emotional, and spiritual abuse.
Many people who develop DID do so as a result of abuse that begins early in childhood. In my case, the abuse began in vitro, with violence done by and to my mother. So though I wasn’t diagnosed with DID until I was forty-six, I’ve had this disorder all my life.
The extreme abuse that causes DID creates a disorder that affects a person on all levels. For example, my nervous system has been damaged by decades of living in fear and by the physical violence I suffered. The combined forms of abuse also damaged my emotional state and my spiritual being to the point where I needed therapy to relearn the idea that I really am human and that I deserve to exist.
Movies like Sybil and The Three Faces of Eve, created when DID was called Multiple Personality Disorder, show how difficult it is for an adult living with DID to function in society. As the names of this disorder suggest, more than one personality exists inside a person with DID. The DSM-IV says that at least two distinct personalities need to be present for a diagnosis of DID. I had several dozen by the time I was five, and remember at that time deciding that I wouldn’t have more than 207 because that was the number of
bones known to be in the human body at that time. From my childlike perspective, if I had more inner personalities than bones, I wouldn’t know where to put them.
One of the things about DID that I haven’t heard talked about is how, why and when the inner personalities, or inner ones, are created. In writing Sky Eyes, a fictionalized memoir about my life growing up with DID, I thought through the catalysts that prompted the development of each personality and my logic in creating them.
Marla, for example, was created when I was about two. Marla is good at finding food. She learned to find leftovers in the paper sack beside the sink when I wasn’t allowed to eat. She was also good at hiding things so was able to create stashes of food. I created her when I was so desperate for food yet so terrified of taking food from my parents that I needed a separate part of me to do that for me.
As a child, I didn’t have what is called “co-consciousness.” Co-consciousness is an awareness of other Inner Ones. Sometimes I would see myself doing something yet feel like I was watching someone else on television. Often as a child I would just blank out when an inner one came to the surface. I should also note that though I am female, I have male personalities as well as animal and inanimate object personalities like radios.
Examples of some of the functions of the inner ones:
George: Developed when I was four, to take beatings.
Radio: Developed when I was six or seven, to play music to drown out my parents’ arguments.
Sunny: Developed when I was three or four, to be bright and happy no matter what happened. DID is a disorder that demands constant adjustment.
Since each inner one was created for a specific job, as an adult I would be able to do a part of a job, say weeding a garden, using George’s strength. I didn’t know at that time that I was George but would feel masculine and strong. Then I’d stub my toe and two year-old “Suzette” would come out and throw a tantrum. When I sang, “Julia” would use my vocal chords while another inner ine memorized words. As you can see, sometimes, as in the garden example, the inner ones worked separately, and sometimes as in the music example, several parts worked together.
The biggest challenge of having DID is showing a consistent personality to the world. Because DID is largely an invisible disorder that is often misdiagnosed as posttraumatic stress disorder, ADHD, panic disorder, depression, or other things, I was often judged as being immature or inconsistent and received very little understanding. The most helpful counseling I received taught me to develop inner communication and to develop a sense of safety that has allowed many of my inner ones to integrate with my main personality.
Though I’m still struggling to heal my nervous system and am still unable to maintain a work schedule, I do freelance writing and artwork and sing original songs in local coffee shops and outdoor fairs. I do excellent work but have a very hard time promoting myself. I’m fortunate to have been married to my husband for almost twenty-three years now. He has provided me a stable life, a nice home and a wonderful yard where I can commune with nature.
Quoted:http://www.divinecaroline.com/22190/90903-living-dissociative-identity-disorder
3 Important Questions to Ask on a First Date
3 Important Questions to Ask on a First Date by Liz Brody, on Thu Feb 25, 2010 3:16pm PST
What a fairy tale—His and Hers Olympic Gold Medals! But the romance of dark-eyed skating stud Evan Lysacek and flaxen-haired gymnast Nastia Liukin was so speedy, it may have broken a record. On Monday morning they were seeing each (by her account), by evening it was all in her head (by his). "I'm single," he told ET. "I'm lonely." Nastia, poor thing, will bounce back (with a perfect 10, no doubt), but I felt such a creepy sense of deja vu, I started dialing up experts: Hi, quick question: What are the three most important things to ask on a first date? So let me share. If you're tired of taking emotional spills, find your dating style, and write these questions down:
YOUR DATING STYLE: Let's see what happens "
On a first date, you don't want to grill him," says psychologist Diana Kirschner, PhD, Today Show regular (check out her Date Him or Dump Him quiz) and author of Love in 90 Days. "The idea is to get him talking, and then read between the lines." Her top three questions:
1: "How did you come by the job you're in?"
This will give you a sense of how he operates (assuming he's working, which would be good to know). Does he settle? Is he a go-getter? An ambivalent guy who's not sure he's in the right field?
2: "What's your favorite thing to do on a date?"
Here's a gentle way to find out about compatibility. Does he like to stay out partying while you'd rather meet up early and go for a hike?
3: "If you could have your dream life in five years, what would it look like?"
Code, perhaps, for, "Do you want to get married and have a family?" but much less threatening. And who knows what else will come out?
YOUR DATING STYLE: Weed out the losers, fast!"
You need to know he's competent, and look for red flags that he's out of control," says Tina B. Tessina, PhD, psychotherapist (aka Dr. Romance) and author of The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again. Her key three questions:
1: "What do you like to do with your friends?"
You're just making sure he actually has some.
2: "How long is your commute?"
A bit of a trick question, designed to elicit whether he has: a) his own place and b) a job. "You can't have a working relationship with someone who is still living at home, doesn't have an income, or is unable to make lasting connections," stresses Tessina.
3: How is he behaving?
That's for you. Are his eyes wandering? (You may be looking at a guy who cheats.) Has he been snarky to the waiter? (He's likely to eventually criticize you.) Does he seem drunk? Did he "forget his wallet?" Impending disaster.
YOUR DATING STYLE: Just cut to the chase
Dan Ariely, PhD, professor of behavioral economics at Duke University and author of Predictably Irrational, studies how people make decisions. You want marriage and kids? Don't keep your options open, he says. Ask these questions:
1: "What was the worst fight you've ever had with a girlfriend?"
How did it start? Did it escalate "as usual"? Who made up first? If everything was her fault, that's a flashing "Exit" sign.
2: "What are you best at?"
One element of a strong relationship, Ariely says, is when each partner admires something that the other does better.
3: "If you had kids, how would you raise them in terms of religion?"
Don't even waste a question on, "Do you want kids?" Ariely says. "Focus on your core values because that's what you'll come back to when you have children."
YOUR DATING STYLE: Chemistry!
Thanks to evolution, we are wired to suss out a man in the first three minutes, says Rutgers University anthropologist and chief scientific advisor to Chemistry.com, Helen Fisher, PhD, whose latest book is Why Him? Why Her? But you do need to nail down a few minor details.
As in..
1: "Are you involved with someone?"
Presumably, if he's on a date with you, he's not married, but it never hurts to make sure (and check the ring finger for any telling indents.)
2: "What do you do?"
However you ask it, you need to know that he has a job. Unless you really don't care.
3: "What are you reading?"
Basically, you want to see if he's interesting. So what movies, TV shows, blogs, magazines does he like? Novelty and surprise, for many couples, is a love booster. And yes, the "do we click" question is important. Eleven percent of long-term relationships start with love at first sight, according to one study. Chemistry, says Fisher, counts for a lot.
Quoted: http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/3-important-questions-to-ask-on-a-first-date-879369/;_ylt=Asb5RGHS6USV6dSwn6YMQVeDbqU5
What a fairy tale—His and Hers Olympic Gold Medals! But the romance of dark-eyed skating stud Evan Lysacek and flaxen-haired gymnast Nastia Liukin was so speedy, it may have broken a record. On Monday morning they were seeing each (by her account), by evening it was all in her head (by his). "I'm single," he told ET. "I'm lonely." Nastia, poor thing, will bounce back (with a perfect 10, no doubt), but I felt such a creepy sense of deja vu, I started dialing up experts: Hi, quick question: What are the three most important things to ask on a first date? So let me share. If you're tired of taking emotional spills, find your dating style, and write these questions down:
YOUR DATING STYLE: Let's see what happens "
On a first date, you don't want to grill him," says psychologist Diana Kirschner, PhD, Today Show regular (check out her Date Him or Dump Him quiz) and author of Love in 90 Days. "The idea is to get him talking, and then read between the lines." Her top three questions:
1: "How did you come by the job you're in?"
This will give you a sense of how he operates (assuming he's working, which would be good to know). Does he settle? Is he a go-getter? An ambivalent guy who's not sure he's in the right field?
2: "What's your favorite thing to do on a date?"
Here's a gentle way to find out about compatibility. Does he like to stay out partying while you'd rather meet up early and go for a hike?
3: "If you could have your dream life in five years, what would it look like?"
Code, perhaps, for, "Do you want to get married and have a family?" but much less threatening. And who knows what else will come out?
YOUR DATING STYLE: Weed out the losers, fast!"
You need to know he's competent, and look for red flags that he's out of control," says Tina B. Tessina, PhD, psychotherapist (aka Dr. Romance) and author of The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again. Her key three questions:
1: "What do you like to do with your friends?"
You're just making sure he actually has some.
2: "How long is your commute?"
A bit of a trick question, designed to elicit whether he has: a) his own place and b) a job. "You can't have a working relationship with someone who is still living at home, doesn't have an income, or is unable to make lasting connections," stresses Tessina.
3: How is he behaving?
That's for you. Are his eyes wandering? (You may be looking at a guy who cheats.) Has he been snarky to the waiter? (He's likely to eventually criticize you.) Does he seem drunk? Did he "forget his wallet?" Impending disaster.
YOUR DATING STYLE: Just cut to the chase
Dan Ariely, PhD, professor of behavioral economics at Duke University and author of Predictably Irrational, studies how people make decisions. You want marriage and kids? Don't keep your options open, he says. Ask these questions:
1: "What was the worst fight you've ever had with a girlfriend?"
How did it start? Did it escalate "as usual"? Who made up first? If everything was her fault, that's a flashing "Exit" sign.
2: "What are you best at?"
One element of a strong relationship, Ariely says, is when each partner admires something that the other does better.
3: "If you had kids, how would you raise them in terms of religion?"
Don't even waste a question on, "Do you want kids?" Ariely says. "Focus on your core values because that's what you'll come back to when you have children."
YOUR DATING STYLE: Chemistry!
Thanks to evolution, we are wired to suss out a man in the first three minutes, says Rutgers University anthropologist and chief scientific advisor to Chemistry.com, Helen Fisher, PhD, whose latest book is Why Him? Why Her? But you do need to nail down a few minor details.
As in..
1: "Are you involved with someone?"
Presumably, if he's on a date with you, he's not married, but it never hurts to make sure (and check the ring finger for any telling indents.)
2: "What do you do?"
However you ask it, you need to know that he has a job. Unless you really don't care.
3: "What are you reading?"
Basically, you want to see if he's interesting. So what movies, TV shows, blogs, magazines does he like? Novelty and surprise, for many couples, is a love booster. And yes, the "do we click" question is important. Eleven percent of long-term relationships start with love at first sight, according to one study. Chemistry, says Fisher, counts for a lot.
Quoted: http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/3-important-questions-to-ask-on-a-first-date-879369/;_ylt=Asb5RGHS6USV6dSwn6YMQVeDbqU5
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Planet Guilt: How Men and Women Experience Regret
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Planet Guilt: How Men and Women Experience Regret
by DivineCaroline, on Thu Feb 18, 2010 2:18pm PST
I’ve lived with feelings of guilt for as long as I can remember—guilt about not calling my mother enough, guilt about not going to a good friend’s wedding, even guilt about slamming my bedroom door on my brother’s big toe when he was five. I try not to let my regret about my past missteps consume me, but every now and then it rears its ugly head just when I least want it to—say, right when I’m trying to fall asleep on a Sunday night. But even if I miss out on an extra thirty minutes of shut-eye on those occasions because I’m fretting about some birthday I missed or email I forgot to reply to, I’m glad I have a conscience—it’s what allows me to learn from my mistakes. Plus, new research suggests that as a woman, I may just be wired to feel habitual remorse.
Read Why Getting Over Guilt is Good For You
What Is Guilt?
Simply put, guilt is an anxious gut feeling that arises in people when they believe they have done or are doing something wrong. Furthermore, it’s such an uncomfortable sensation for most of us that it often causes us to seek redemption for our misbehavior. Guilt usually arises in situations in which we harm other people; our first reaction to their suffering is empathy, but as we accept responsibility for our part in causing their pain, that empathy turns into guilt.
Christian philosopher Gregory Koukl divides guilt into two categories: emotional guilt and moral/ethical guilt.
Emotional guilt, he notes, is a more abstract feeling that sometimes occurs even when an individual has not committed a true wrong.
Koukl defines moral guilt, which he posits as the “truer” kind, as someone’s actual culpability for something she did; in cases in which that person feels regretful about her blame-worthy actions, she experiences emotional and moral guilt simultaneously.
Read Where Are Our Manners
Experts have long debated the exact psychological purpose of human guilt; according to Science Daily, some believe the “punitive feeling” it invokes causes “withdrawal motivation”—a desire to avoid repeating the same guilt-inducing action in the future. Others claim that guilt is a positive force that keeps society’s moral standards intact; this perception is associated with “approach motivation.” Still others, such as New York University psychologist David M. Amodio, are convinced that the line between these two seemingly opposing theories is actually blurred. In a 2007 study, Amodio concluded that guilt linked to withdrawal motivation sometimes becomes approach-motivated when the guilty individual is presented with a chance to redeem himself; in other words, people who experience negative feelings attached to guilt can transform them into productive behavior when they have an opportunity to right their wrong. But no matter what the root function of guilt, some research indicates that the extent to which people allow it to weigh on them depends on their gender.
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Planet GuiltIn a groundbreaking 2010 study at the University of the Basque Country in Spain, psychologists surveyed three age groups: 156 teenagers, 96 young people (ages twenty-five to thirty-three), and 108 adults (ages forty to fifty); each group was composed of an equal number of males and females. Led by Itziar Etxebarria, the researchers asked the participants about what situations caused them the most guilt and had them take interpersonal-sensitivity tests. Not only did the results reveal that the women in all three age groups experienced persistently intense guilt significantly more often than men, but these women also demonstrated much greater interpersonal sensitivity than did their male counterparts. Interestingly, the difference between men’s and women’s levels of intense habitual guilt was most pronounced in the forty-to-fifty age group, though the gap between the sexes in that demographic was narrowest in terms of interpersonal sensitivity.
According to Etxebarria, differing academic and socialization standards are primarily to blame for these discrepancies among his subjects; as he explained in Science Daily, “Educational practices and a whole range of socializing agents must be used to reduce the trend towards … guilt among women and to strengthen interpersonal sensitivity among men.” That’s a noble goal, but given its grandiose scope, it seems more likely that guilt levels will remain imbalanced between men and women—or at least that the sexes will continue to experience guilt in different ways, as a 2009 study in Toronto demonstrated. Researchers asked 130 male and female participants to think of a past, current, or future relationship, and to then envision being unfaithful to that partner, both sexually and emotionally. Predicting that the men would feel guiltier about falling in love with someone else and that the women would be more remorseful about physical infidelity, the researchers were surprised to discover that just the opposite was true: all the women polled claimed that they would feel guiltier about falling in love with someone other than their partner than they would about sleeping with him, while the male subjects announced that having emotionless sex would cause them greater regret. Ironically, despite women’s greater guilt about emotional dalliances, the female participants in the study declared themselves more likely to leave their partner if they discovered he had been sexually unfaithful.
In an attempt to explain these unexpected conclusions, the researchers proposed two theories:
1) that men may believe their relationships are more sexual than they actually are, and therefore place more weight on physical acts both with and outside their partnership, and
2) that women value the emotional aspects of their romantic relationships more than they do the physical, and thus feel guiltier when they commit any perceived transgression of the heart. The specific reasons notwithstanding, what’s most important is that the men and women who took part in this study all demonstrated a well-developed conscience and a clear capacity for remorse.
Matters of the Heart
Unless you’re a sociopath, it’s virtually impossible to go through life without facing your conscience head-on once in a while. Now and again, we all hurt people we didn’t mean to, say things we shouldn’t have, and forget things we should have remembered. The overarching lesson from all these studies is not so much that men and women have different levels or different types of guilt, or even that different types of guilt exist in general—it’s that feeling guilty is part of having emotions and being human. And even when memories of our biggest foot-in-mouth moments make us cringe, they also teach us how to move forward as kinder, more thoughtful people—and who wouldn’t want that?
Quoted: http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/life/men-are-from-mars-women-are-from-planet-guilt-how-men-and-women-experience-regret-754736;_ylt=AhvAjQcOGxRghNr2L9w2cGaDbqU5
by DivineCaroline, on Thu Feb 18, 2010 2:18pm PST
I’ve lived with feelings of guilt for as long as I can remember—guilt about not calling my mother enough, guilt about not going to a good friend’s wedding, even guilt about slamming my bedroom door on my brother’s big toe when he was five. I try not to let my regret about my past missteps consume me, but every now and then it rears its ugly head just when I least want it to—say, right when I’m trying to fall asleep on a Sunday night. But even if I miss out on an extra thirty minutes of shut-eye on those occasions because I’m fretting about some birthday I missed or email I forgot to reply to, I’m glad I have a conscience—it’s what allows me to learn from my mistakes. Plus, new research suggests that as a woman, I may just be wired to feel habitual remorse.
Read Why Getting Over Guilt is Good For You
What Is Guilt?
Simply put, guilt is an anxious gut feeling that arises in people when they believe they have done or are doing something wrong. Furthermore, it’s such an uncomfortable sensation for most of us that it often causes us to seek redemption for our misbehavior. Guilt usually arises in situations in which we harm other people; our first reaction to their suffering is empathy, but as we accept responsibility for our part in causing their pain, that empathy turns into guilt.
Christian philosopher Gregory Koukl divides guilt into two categories: emotional guilt and moral/ethical guilt.
Emotional guilt, he notes, is a more abstract feeling that sometimes occurs even when an individual has not committed a true wrong.
Koukl defines moral guilt, which he posits as the “truer” kind, as someone’s actual culpability for something she did; in cases in which that person feels regretful about her blame-worthy actions, she experiences emotional and moral guilt simultaneously.
Read Where Are Our Manners
Experts have long debated the exact psychological purpose of human guilt; according to Science Daily, some believe the “punitive feeling” it invokes causes “withdrawal motivation”—a desire to avoid repeating the same guilt-inducing action in the future. Others claim that guilt is a positive force that keeps society’s moral standards intact; this perception is associated with “approach motivation.” Still others, such as New York University psychologist David M. Amodio, are convinced that the line between these two seemingly opposing theories is actually blurred. In a 2007 study, Amodio concluded that guilt linked to withdrawal motivation sometimes becomes approach-motivated when the guilty individual is presented with a chance to redeem himself; in other words, people who experience negative feelings attached to guilt can transform them into productive behavior when they have an opportunity to right their wrong. But no matter what the root function of guilt, some research indicates that the extent to which people allow it to weigh on them depends on their gender.
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Planet GuiltIn a groundbreaking 2010 study at the University of the Basque Country in Spain, psychologists surveyed three age groups: 156 teenagers, 96 young people (ages twenty-five to thirty-three), and 108 adults (ages forty to fifty); each group was composed of an equal number of males and females. Led by Itziar Etxebarria, the researchers asked the participants about what situations caused them the most guilt and had them take interpersonal-sensitivity tests. Not only did the results reveal that the women in all three age groups experienced persistently intense guilt significantly more often than men, but these women also demonstrated much greater interpersonal sensitivity than did their male counterparts. Interestingly, the difference between men’s and women’s levels of intense habitual guilt was most pronounced in the forty-to-fifty age group, though the gap between the sexes in that demographic was narrowest in terms of interpersonal sensitivity.
According to Etxebarria, differing academic and socialization standards are primarily to blame for these discrepancies among his subjects; as he explained in Science Daily, “Educational practices and a whole range of socializing agents must be used to reduce the trend towards … guilt among women and to strengthen interpersonal sensitivity among men.” That’s a noble goal, but given its grandiose scope, it seems more likely that guilt levels will remain imbalanced between men and women—or at least that the sexes will continue to experience guilt in different ways, as a 2009 study in Toronto demonstrated. Researchers asked 130 male and female participants to think of a past, current, or future relationship, and to then envision being unfaithful to that partner, both sexually and emotionally. Predicting that the men would feel guiltier about falling in love with someone else and that the women would be more remorseful about physical infidelity, the researchers were surprised to discover that just the opposite was true: all the women polled claimed that they would feel guiltier about falling in love with someone other than their partner than they would about sleeping with him, while the male subjects announced that having emotionless sex would cause them greater regret. Ironically, despite women’s greater guilt about emotional dalliances, the female participants in the study declared themselves more likely to leave their partner if they discovered he had been sexually unfaithful.
In an attempt to explain these unexpected conclusions, the researchers proposed two theories:
1) that men may believe their relationships are more sexual than they actually are, and therefore place more weight on physical acts both with and outside their partnership, and
2) that women value the emotional aspects of their romantic relationships more than they do the physical, and thus feel guiltier when they commit any perceived transgression of the heart. The specific reasons notwithstanding, what’s most important is that the men and women who took part in this study all demonstrated a well-developed conscience and a clear capacity for remorse.
Matters of the Heart
Unless you’re a sociopath, it’s virtually impossible to go through life without facing your conscience head-on once in a while. Now and again, we all hurt people we didn’t mean to, say things we shouldn’t have, and forget things we should have remembered. The overarching lesson from all these studies is not so much that men and women have different levels or different types of guilt, or even that different types of guilt exist in general—it’s that feeling guilty is part of having emotions and being human. And even when memories of our biggest foot-in-mouth moments make us cringe, they also teach us how to move forward as kinder, more thoughtful people—and who wouldn’t want that?
Quoted: http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/life/men-are-from-mars-women-are-from-planet-guilt-how-men-and-women-experience-regret-754736;_ylt=AhvAjQcOGxRghNr2L9w2cGaDbqU5
Why Doesn't He Call? The guys at Details have a lot of explaining to do
Why Doesn't He Call? The guys at Details have a lot of explaining to do
by Liz Brody, on Tue Apr 20, 2010 4:19pm PDT
When it doesn't happen, it hits you like a car wreck.
We're talking about a guy not calling. Not texting. Not using the number he (emphasis on HE) asked for when we met and made magic like vodka and tonic. Oh, we know why. It goes like this:
1. He lost our number
2. Phone service is down
3. On the way home, after we kissed, he got kidnapped by a Somali terrorist group. (Alt: He fell on his head and got amnesia.)
4. He's gay.
5. (That can't be right, not the way he worked those lips)
6. He's a sadist, who gets off on torturing women
7. He's just not that into (shall we have a communal groan here?) us.
Okay, this pretty much covers it. Let's turn this over tothe guys at Details Magazine. What gives?
DETAILS BREAKS THE SILENCE! HERE THEY ARE WITH THEIR EXPLANATIONS.
When it comes to the battle of the sexes, guys have your number—we just don’t always use it. But why does a man bother getting your digits if he’s not going to pick up the phone? It’s a fair question, so here are a few of the reasons he may not have called—and when you should take the initiative and pound that number pad yourself.
WHY HE DOESN'T CALL . . .
. . . AFTER HE ASKED FOR YOUR NUMBER AT A BAR:
1. We fancy ourselves big-game hunters. Our prey: phone numbers. And this is often done without premeditation or hostility—some of us simply thrill to the chase, then once the number is actually stored in our phones we lose interest.
2. We sobered up. Perhaps we weren’t fall-down, black-out drunk, but after downing a couple of beers during our tête-à -tête things got a bit hazy. The next morning the memory of what you said (or even what look like!) is patchy. Did you like or loathe reality television? Who knows? Rather than embarrass ourselves as we fake our way through a second conversation, we just choose to not engage.
3. We suddenly remembered a girlfriend/wife. Maybe we really want to go out with you but are still entangled in a relationship, or perhaps we were seeing whether we still have the single-guy skills we’ll need when we’re free and clear—but either way, it’s likely that either guilt or fear or both has led us to erase your number. So count yourself lucky we never did call, right?
When You Should Call: If you had a really good rapport with him and feel that there’s really no way he wouldn’t call unless he lost your number or was renditioned to a prison in an undisclosed Eastern European country. Men do lose numbers. Men do lose phones. And really, what do you have to lose?
. . . AFTER YOU HAVE A GREAT FIRST DATE:
1. Our initial outing went off without a hitch. We laughed together, the conversation never faltered, and we seemed to be developing a growing bond. We like you—just not like that. That “friend” feeling you’ve had toward amazing guys? We get it for women too. Calling would mean confronting you honestly about these feelings—fairly heavy conversation after just one date. Instead, we tell ourselves the most humane thing to do is go completely dark.
2. We are dating more than one person. We’re in the midst of a delicate balancing act and seeing how it goes with our other someone before digging in for a second date with you. We’re trying to have, and eat, our cake. We’ve got frosting all over our faces.
3. We are still planning to call, maybe in a week. Why the delay? We’re establishing our independence by managing expectations right at the start. Even though we had fun, we’re not going to be calling every other day and seeing each other multiple times a week. We need space—and are telling you that from the outset.
When You Should Call: This is trickier—if the “we should really do this again” boilerplate felt like a genuine sentiment, go for it (after giving him a few days—say, four—to call you). But again, we can’t stress this enough: When a guy is interested after a date, he’ll always call.
. . . AFTER YOU'VE BEEN DATING A WHILE AND HE DROPS OUT OF SIGHT:
1. We’re losing interest. We’re beginning the process of distancing ourselves from you. We’re suddenly busy at work. Headed home for a weekend, have friends in from out of town. But—and this is a big but—we might also actually have stuff going on in our lives that we’re not ready to share with you. Work really could be imploding, we might have a family issue; most guys won’t open up about this stuff too early into dating someone.
2. We’re letting you know something that went down recently didn’t sit well with us. This is typical guy behavior—you do something that upsets us or makes us see you in a different light, and instead of talking to you about it, we phase you out for a bit. It’s very easy for us dudes to go into retreat mode when we’re annoyed. Oh, you don’t like my old friend Mark (even though he is sort of a d-bag), fine. Talk in a week or so. Maybe.
3. We’re trying to figure out where our interest level is, seeing whether not talking to you affects us. We’re not exactly sure how we feel about you and we’re taking a step back to assess. (Or we’re cheating on you, in which case we’re trying to get a handle on that situation before we reengage.)
When You Should Call: Simple—if you’re dating and he drops off the radar or has a habit of it, you call him. It’s not like he’ll be surprised to get your call after a few days. And ongoing silence from someone you’re supposed to be close to is not a good sign.
. . . AFTER YOU'RE MARRIED AND HE'S RUNNING LATE:
1. One of the beauties of our union is we can be late without its being the be all and end all. We don’t call because we’ll get there as soon as we can—much as we assume you’ll do. Men rank being late very, very low on the scale of marital mistakes—we simply don’t see it as that big of a deal.
2. We reject the notion that, because we’re married, we have to constantly update each other on our whereabouts. We were single once, and there are parts of our previous, caveman life we recall fondly, and one of those is being free from the responsibility of the “check-in.” We remember that all too well, from back in high school . . . when we had to call Mom.
3. We’re getting you back—you’re always late!
When You Should Call: When our radio silence puts you in an awkward or untenable position. If you’re alone at a restaurant, waiting at the airport, with other people, or otherwise being embarrassed by our failure to call, you have every right to ring us—and ream us out!
Hey ladies, just to regroup: I think this is a lot better than "He's just not that into you." What do you think?
5 Things You Can Tell From His Flirting (an exclusive!)
5 Things You Can Tell From His Flirting (an exclusive!) by Liz Brody, on Tue Jun 1, 2010 6:05am PDT
Tweeting may be the latest way to break up. But can you flirt in 140 characters? Jeffrey Hall, PhD, would say no. He's an assistant professor of communication studies at the University of Kansas, and his latest study is on "flirting styles" and what they reveal about romantic intentions. It's not published yet (slated for later this year in Communication Quarterly), but Hall agreed to give Shine an exclusive sneak preview. Beyond pickup lines and eye-bats, he defines flirting as a whole approach to showing romantic interest, and he's identified five basic styles. (Like personality traits, people are usually a mix, he says, scoring highest in one.) Although Hall studied both sexes, we'll go straight for his male findings, thank you. (We know how we operate, obviously and besides, according to a new report in the Journal of Sex Research, most of the flirting research to date has focused on women.) So here's a crib sheet for your typical men-on-the-make:
The Playful Flirt
How you'll recognize him: Ever meet a guy at a bar or party who's clearly into you, the repartee between you so frisky, you can practically hear the "click"... and then poof! He disappears, never calls, totally goes MIA? This is the Playful Flirt. With charm that could melt an ice cap, he makes you feel on top of the ozone layer. He chats you up, knows how to flatter without being obvious, and never takes his eyes off of you.
His romantic profile: He probably hits on a lot of women. And, while he might jump into a relationship with one of them—and it could be hot—he's not likely to take it terribly seriously.
Is he really that into you? Sorry, but no. "These people are just looking for a self-esteem boost," Hall says. "He's flirting simply because he loves the way it makes him feel. It's like a sport to him—not necessarily an avenue for a relationship at all. He may even already be in one."
The Physical Flirt
How you'll recognize him: You won't miss this guy. He displays his sexual interest like a 12 million-LED sign in Times Square—but so appealingly, it's hard not to light up. At home in a bar or dancing at a club, he's ultra-comfortable with his body language, and an expert at reading yours (so he doesn't push where he's not wanted). And he's a master at the kind of private conversation that nuzzles easily into romance.
His romantic profile: This type tends to get hot and heavy pretty fast.
Is he really that into you? He's definitely attracted, but he's a big flirt. So while getting together is a pretty good bet, the long haul is more iffy.
The Sincere Flirt
How you'll recognize him: You might meet him at work or through a neighbor, and mistake him for a friend. But you'll notice he likes to talk and wants to get to know you—the inner you—and he's out to connect emotionally. "He might be cautious to make that first move," Hall warns. "These people believe it's respectful to let the woman develop romantic interest without having to be pushed or prodded or touched."
His romantic profile: He goes a little slower than Mr. Physical. But he's the kind of guy who has serious girlfriends with both sexual and emotional chemistry—the good stuff.
Is he really that into you? Very likely yes, and he's looking for his next close, meaningful romance.
Traditional Flirt
How you'll recognize him: Depending on your point of view, you'll either think he's a chauvinist or refreshingly old-fashioned. Because this guy follows traditional gender roles, he'll make the first move, pay for dinner, decide where to go—or try. You may wonder about his romantic leanings, since he moves things forward about as fast as a growing stalagmite.His romantic profile: He forms solid relationships. And he doesn't play the field.
Is he really that into you?
Absolutely. By the time he makes a move (be patient), he's pretty certain you're the one he wants.
The Polite Flirt
How you'll recognize him: You probably won't. These guys hate anything to do with dating, and often the whole singles scene. If you even find him in a bar, he's the one hiding in a corner, having been dragged there by five other guys. Not that he's a shut-in. He wants to meet somebody. He just doesn't like the way people go about doing it. Often you'll think his interest is purely platonic.
His romantic profile: The Polite Flirt only bothers with someone he thinks is worth getting seriously involved with.Is he really that into you? Most certainly, yes. Now, how you'll even get that far with someone who's such a non-romancer, is another question. "You might have to subtly up the stakes," says Hall, admitting to knowing a bit about the Polite style himself. ("Some of this research is actually me-search," he says laughing). If you have lunch plans, change them to dinner with a few drinks, or suggest a spontaneous walk to see the sunset. "I sympathize with singles," adds Hall, who ended up marrying a coworker (she had no clue he liked her until friends said something.) "Once you get past the initial flirting, it gets a little easier."
So, what kind of flirting style do you like in a man? And are any styles missing here?
Quoted: http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/5-things-you-can-tell-from-his-flirting-an-exclusive-1606446;_ylt=AvpIXQwoJIG1OqLs1.PRpKuDbqU5
Tweeting may be the latest way to break up. But can you flirt in 140 characters? Jeffrey Hall, PhD, would say no. He's an assistant professor of communication studies at the University of Kansas, and his latest study is on "flirting styles" and what they reveal about romantic intentions. It's not published yet (slated for later this year in Communication Quarterly), but Hall agreed to give Shine an exclusive sneak preview. Beyond pickup lines and eye-bats, he defines flirting as a whole approach to showing romantic interest, and he's identified five basic styles. (Like personality traits, people are usually a mix, he says, scoring highest in one.) Although Hall studied both sexes, we'll go straight for his male findings, thank you. (We know how we operate, obviously and besides, according to a new report in the Journal of Sex Research, most of the flirting research to date has focused on women.) So here's a crib sheet for your typical men-on-the-make:
The Playful Flirt
How you'll recognize him: Ever meet a guy at a bar or party who's clearly into you, the repartee between you so frisky, you can practically hear the "click"... and then poof! He disappears, never calls, totally goes MIA? This is the Playful Flirt. With charm that could melt an ice cap, he makes you feel on top of the ozone layer. He chats you up, knows how to flatter without being obvious, and never takes his eyes off of you.
His romantic profile: He probably hits on a lot of women. And, while he might jump into a relationship with one of them—and it could be hot—he's not likely to take it terribly seriously.
Is he really that into you? Sorry, but no. "These people are just looking for a self-esteem boost," Hall says. "He's flirting simply because he loves the way it makes him feel. It's like a sport to him—not necessarily an avenue for a relationship at all. He may even already be in one."
The Physical Flirt
How you'll recognize him: You won't miss this guy. He displays his sexual interest like a 12 million-LED sign in Times Square—but so appealingly, it's hard not to light up. At home in a bar or dancing at a club, he's ultra-comfortable with his body language, and an expert at reading yours (so he doesn't push where he's not wanted). And he's a master at the kind of private conversation that nuzzles easily into romance.
His romantic profile: This type tends to get hot and heavy pretty fast.
Is he really that into you? He's definitely attracted, but he's a big flirt. So while getting together is a pretty good bet, the long haul is more iffy.
The Sincere Flirt
How you'll recognize him: You might meet him at work or through a neighbor, and mistake him for a friend. But you'll notice he likes to talk and wants to get to know you—the inner you—and he's out to connect emotionally. "He might be cautious to make that first move," Hall warns. "These people believe it's respectful to let the woman develop romantic interest without having to be pushed or prodded or touched."
His romantic profile: He goes a little slower than Mr. Physical. But he's the kind of guy who has serious girlfriends with both sexual and emotional chemistry—the good stuff.
Is he really that into you? Very likely yes, and he's looking for his next close, meaningful romance.
Traditional Flirt
How you'll recognize him: Depending on your point of view, you'll either think he's a chauvinist or refreshingly old-fashioned. Because this guy follows traditional gender roles, he'll make the first move, pay for dinner, decide where to go—or try. You may wonder about his romantic leanings, since he moves things forward about as fast as a growing stalagmite.His romantic profile: He forms solid relationships. And he doesn't play the field.
Is he really that into you?
Absolutely. By the time he makes a move (be patient), he's pretty certain you're the one he wants.
The Polite Flirt
How you'll recognize him: You probably won't. These guys hate anything to do with dating, and often the whole singles scene. If you even find him in a bar, he's the one hiding in a corner, having been dragged there by five other guys. Not that he's a shut-in. He wants to meet somebody. He just doesn't like the way people go about doing it. Often you'll think his interest is purely platonic.
His romantic profile: The Polite Flirt only bothers with someone he thinks is worth getting seriously involved with.Is he really that into you? Most certainly, yes. Now, how you'll even get that far with someone who's such a non-romancer, is another question. "You might have to subtly up the stakes," says Hall, admitting to knowing a bit about the Polite style himself. ("Some of this research is actually me-search," he says laughing). If you have lunch plans, change them to dinner with a few drinks, or suggest a spontaneous walk to see the sunset. "I sympathize with singles," adds Hall, who ended up marrying a coworker (she had no clue he liked her until friends said something.) "Once you get past the initial flirting, it gets a little easier."
So, what kind of flirting style do you like in a man? And are any styles missing here?
Quoted: http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/5-things-you-can-tell-from-his-flirting-an-exclusive-1606446;_ylt=AvpIXQwoJIG1OqLs1.PRpKuDbqU5
Why men are more romantic than women
Why men are more romantic than women by Piper Weiss, Shine Staff, on Wed Jan 12, 2011 5:38pm PST
In a scene from the new movie, "No Strings Attached," a young woman chastises a man for breaking their no-romance code by showing up at her work with a balloon. Uncontrollable urges of chivalry? Sounds like a romantic comedy myth, but it's not.
“Men are typically more romantic than women,” says Dr. Terri Orbuch, a social psychologist who has spent the last 24 years studying 373 married couples. In interviewing spouses, she discovered husbands were more likely to describe their wives in traditional romantic terms, while wives spoke more practically about their relationships. “When we asked married men to talk about how they met their wives, their stories had more romantic flavor,” explains Orbuch, who details her findings in the book 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great. “They talk about being smitten, falling hard; they also use terms like 'soul-mate' and 'love at first sight'," she says. "In contrast, wives talked about being very cautious of their partner when they first got together and guarding themselves from getting too close early on."
While romantic gestures may vary between couples, Orbuch's research suggests that men are more likely to uphold fairy tale beliefs (i.e. happily ever after) than women. Her research is virtually identical to the results of a survey of 21,000 men and women by the psychological testing site Queendom. In response to questions on love, men were slightly more romantic in their description, using expressions women avoided, like "destiny" and "love conquers all". "Most men have an unappreciated romantic streak," said study leader Ilona Jerabek, PhD, in a statement. "You just need to understand where they are coming from to appreciate it."
Where they’re coming from is another culture. In the guy code, compliments are harder to come by and conversations about deep emotions aren’t as widely accepted. “Men don’t get the same amount of affirmations as women from their friends and family,” explains Orbuch. “They rely on the positive feedback they get in their relationship for their overall mental well-being.” One study by a Wake Forest Psychology professor even suggested men feel physically better when they're in a relationship. That may explain why men may embrace their partners as soul-mates—they satisfy a unique emotional and physical need that's harder for them to come by.
Another theory is that men are more prone to love at first site and falling fast because their brains are hard-wired to have stronger reactions to certain visual cues. In MRI scans, women showed less activation than men in the area of the brain that controls emotions when shown the same visual cues. In other words, when women see something they like, they proceed with more caution. In love song terms, if men are singing James Brown's "I Feel Good," women are singing Whitney Houston's "How Will I Know?"
But if men are so romantic, how come they've gotten such a bum rap? It may all boil down to a misunderstanding. “Women relate to words, so they want to hear men say how they feel over and over,” says Orbuch. “Men relate to behaviors, so they're more likely to show their feelings through actions. In the end, there’s a mismatch between the two.” To remedy this, Orbuch suggests couples come to an understanding about their own gender limitations and needs. Women may say 'I love you,' but men may express those three words with simple actions like filling the car up with gas or driving out of their way to pick a woman up. Reading between the lines can simmer arguments or feelings of neglect.
Of course, not all men, or relationships, are alike. "It's important to know what your personal romantic needs are," says Orbuch. Her six-question self-assessment test is a good starting place to measure your own RQ, or romantic quotient.
Question 1: True / False -- I believe in love at first sight.
Question 2: True / False -- I fall in love easily, and when I do, I fall hard.
Question 3: True / False -- I believe there is a perfect soul-mate out there somewhere for me.
Question 4: True / False -- If I don't have passionate feelings for someone right away, chances are s/he's not "the one."
Question 5: True / False -- No matter what challenges life presents, love can conquer all.
Question 6: True / False -- When you're truly in love, passion never fades; it can last forever.
Now, count up the number of "true" answers.
Scoring:
1-2: You're a realist. You are probably more interested in a partner who can take a toaster apart or get along with your eccentric parents than one who makes passes at you in public.
3-4: You're a secret dreamer. You may harbor secret fantasies about love and romance, but you're still firmly attached to the idea that a partner is, above all else, a source of security and your anchor in life.
5-6: You're a total romantic. You can list the best on-screen kisses of all time—because you've watched them over and over! You envision you and your partner madly in love at 90 and still whispering sweet nothings in each other's ears.
*Test excerpted from "5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great," by Dr. Terri Orbuch.
Quoted: http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/why-men-are-more-romantic-than-women-2439559/
In a scene from the new movie, "No Strings Attached," a young woman chastises a man for breaking their no-romance code by showing up at her work with a balloon. Uncontrollable urges of chivalry? Sounds like a romantic comedy myth, but it's not.
“Men are typically more romantic than women,” says Dr. Terri Orbuch, a social psychologist who has spent the last 24 years studying 373 married couples. In interviewing spouses, she discovered husbands were more likely to describe their wives in traditional romantic terms, while wives spoke more practically about their relationships. “When we asked married men to talk about how they met their wives, their stories had more romantic flavor,” explains Orbuch, who details her findings in the book 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great. “They talk about being smitten, falling hard; they also use terms like 'soul-mate' and 'love at first sight'," she says. "In contrast, wives talked about being very cautious of their partner when they first got together and guarding themselves from getting too close early on."
While romantic gestures may vary between couples, Orbuch's research suggests that men are more likely to uphold fairy tale beliefs (i.e. happily ever after) than women. Her research is virtually identical to the results of a survey of 21,000 men and women by the psychological testing site Queendom. In response to questions on love, men were slightly more romantic in their description, using expressions women avoided, like "destiny" and "love conquers all". "Most men have an unappreciated romantic streak," said study leader Ilona Jerabek, PhD, in a statement. "You just need to understand where they are coming from to appreciate it."
Where they’re coming from is another culture. In the guy code, compliments are harder to come by and conversations about deep emotions aren’t as widely accepted. “Men don’t get the same amount of affirmations as women from their friends and family,” explains Orbuch. “They rely on the positive feedback they get in their relationship for their overall mental well-being.” One study by a Wake Forest Psychology professor even suggested men feel physically better when they're in a relationship. That may explain why men may embrace their partners as soul-mates—they satisfy a unique emotional and physical need that's harder for them to come by.
Another theory is that men are more prone to love at first site and falling fast because their brains are hard-wired to have stronger reactions to certain visual cues. In MRI scans, women showed less activation than men in the area of the brain that controls emotions when shown the same visual cues. In other words, when women see something they like, they proceed with more caution. In love song terms, if men are singing James Brown's "I Feel Good," women are singing Whitney Houston's "How Will I Know?"
But if men are so romantic, how come they've gotten such a bum rap? It may all boil down to a misunderstanding. “Women relate to words, so they want to hear men say how they feel over and over,” says Orbuch. “Men relate to behaviors, so they're more likely to show their feelings through actions. In the end, there’s a mismatch between the two.” To remedy this, Orbuch suggests couples come to an understanding about their own gender limitations and needs. Women may say 'I love you,' but men may express those three words with simple actions like filling the car up with gas or driving out of their way to pick a woman up. Reading between the lines can simmer arguments or feelings of neglect.
Of course, not all men, or relationships, are alike. "It's important to know what your personal romantic needs are," says Orbuch. Her six-question self-assessment test is a good starting place to measure your own RQ, or romantic quotient.
Question 1: True / False -- I believe in love at first sight.
Question 2: True / False -- I fall in love easily, and when I do, I fall hard.
Question 3: True / False -- I believe there is a perfect soul-mate out there somewhere for me.
Question 4: True / False -- If I don't have passionate feelings for someone right away, chances are s/he's not "the one."
Question 5: True / False -- No matter what challenges life presents, love can conquer all.
Question 6: True / False -- When you're truly in love, passion never fades; it can last forever.
Now, count up the number of "true" answers.
Scoring:
1-2: You're a realist. You are probably more interested in a partner who can take a toaster apart or get along with your eccentric parents than one who makes passes at you in public.
3-4: You're a secret dreamer. You may harbor secret fantasies about love and romance, but you're still firmly attached to the idea that a partner is, above all else, a source of security and your anchor in life.
5-6: You're a total romantic. You can list the best on-screen kisses of all time—because you've watched them over and over! You envision you and your partner madly in love at 90 and still whispering sweet nothings in each other's ears.
*Test excerpted from "5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great," by Dr. Terri Orbuch.
Quoted: http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/why-men-are-more-romantic-than-women-2439559/
The Spirit of God
Both Christians and non-believers alike can identify, to some degree whether a believer is filled with the Spirit of God or not, because the Holy Spirit can choose to reveal the matters of God's heart to anyone without partiality. The Holy Spirit allows us to feel and experience the power of God's Word. William Dyer discusses this topic in his sermon "Strait Way of Heaven." "The Word of God shows us the way; and the Spirit of God leads us in the way which the Word points out. The Spirit of God is able to expound the Word of God, and to make it plain to our understanding. The Holy Spirit is the Christian's interpreter; He gives the Scriptures, and He alone can reveal unto us the sense and meaning of the Scriptures." Without the Holy Spirit it is impossible for us to draw nearer to God, and the only way we can be filled to overflow with the Holy Spirit in our lives is to ask for Him in prayer. Through this overflow, even non-believers will be able to see the power of God revealed through you.
Living Life
Living Life
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