3 dating hurdles tall women face

3 dating hurdles tall women face
By Elizabeth Roehrig

There I was, sitting with a friend on a Friday night, when we noticed a couple of hip and handsome guys sitting next to us. Witty banter ensued between me and the Casey Affleck lookalike and things were looking promising… that is, until we both stood up to pick a few songs from the jukebox. It was the moment of truth, and yep, at almost 5’10”, I was a couple of inches taller than him. I could feel him sizing me up, and our sizzle from a moment ago beginning to fizzle.

If you’re in the “tall girl” club like me, you’ve probably experienced this scenario. And while dating for women like us may have its inherent challenges, they’re not ones that we can’t overcome. Let our stories and advice serve as a little inspiration.

Hurdle #1: Fewer men approach tall women
Many of my tall friends, myself included, are very open to dating shorter men — the problem is often that they steer clear of us, thinking that we’re “too tall” given the expectation that guys must loom over their dates. Patricia Barba, 34, of Greenwich, CT, who’s just shy of six feet, had a male coworker spell out to her why she’s so often left on the sidelines. “We were at our holiday party, and a coworker who’s around my height asked if I’d like to dance. I said yes and mentioned that not many men ask me to dance, and he said it’s because men must find my height imposing. That was hard to hear!” Other times, men aren’t so straightforward and their preferences come across in the form of a subtler snub. “When I’m out on weekends, I’m the one who talks to all the guys and gets the conversation going,” says Richelle, 27, who’s six feet tall and from Boston. “But usually at the end of the evening, the guy I’ve been talking to will say, ‘Who’s your friend?’ And inevitably the girl he’s interested in is one of my shorter pals.”

Unexpected upside: The guys who do hit on us tend to be great catches
While being overlooked as dating material due to our height can be frustrating, there is a benefit to this situation as well. Because, you see, the shorter men who do hit on us are definitely worth their salt. “I recently dated a guy who is an inch shorter than me, but his personality and confidence made him seem taller,” says Patricia. “He seemed really self-assured, which put me at ease and made our height difference seem like a non-issue. I think generally that guys who go for taller women are pretty dynamic individuals.” In other words, look at your height as a gatekeeper that only allows the truly worthy shorter men into your inner circle. Mary, 27, from Woodbridge, NJ, is 5’8” and has dated a handful of shorter men, including her current boyfriend. “Since they don’t have the height that a lot of girls look for, these guys develop other, more meaningful qualities, such as kindness, humor, and consideration,” she says… which ultimately makes for a better boyfriend. “While a shorter man might not be my first choice, if he’s much more interested in me and attentive to my needs, who can say no to that?” Mary asks.

Hurdle #2: Few men meet our own height requirements
While many tall women are perfectly happy to date shorter guys, some of us, I admit, aren’t always so thrilled about it. And as a result, we often limit our own prospects and have no one to blame but ourselves for long dry spells between dates. “I would go out all the time and find only one or two guys that I considered to be good prospects because of my ‘height restriction,’” says Sarah, 5’10”, of Reading, MA. “I was only looking for guys 6’1” and over, because it just seems more natural for the man to be taller than the woman.” Of course, we know we should give shorter guys a chance, but it’s tough to change your own perception (let alone society’s) that the guy should tower over his gal. “You grow up with this notion that the man should be bigger than the woman so he can protect her,” explains Erin, 26, 6’2”, of Richmond, VA.

Unexpected upside: Tall women learn to recognize what really makes a relationship work
While tastes and attraction are hard to change, sooner or later, many tall women are forced to accept a valuable truth that often eludes other daters: that they should jettison the more superficial traits on their “wish list” for a partner — whether that’s being 6’2”, having a full head of hair or possessing six-pack abs. “While I used to believe that a man needed to be taller than me for me to feel safe, I know now that isn’t true,” says Erin, who ultimately fell for a man three inches shorter. “When I first met my now-husband, I thought he was cute, but I never thought we’d end up together due to the height difference. But we had a real connection and I know now that’s what counts.”

Hurdle #3: Once you’re dating a shorter guy, there’s a whole new host of problems
OK, so you’ve gotten over your own “He’s got to be taller than me” hangups and have hit it off with a guy who’s largely fine with the fact that you’ve got some inches over him. But even then, you’re not in the clear. For starters, try walking into a room together; you’re bound to get some odd looks. “I once dated someone shorter. He said it didn’t matter to him, but people couldn’t help but comment on it and make some pretty embarrassing jokes,” says Richelle. “Once we were asked if he stood on the curb to kiss me!” To keep the wisecracks to a minimum, many women abandon their heels in favor of flats. But even then, the undue attention can sometimes be unbearable.

Unexpected upside: You learn to stop caring what other people think
Know that phrase, “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger?” That also applies in this scenario: sooner or later, most tall women who date shorter men develop a Teflon coating. They stop caring if people point at them walking down the street together or if friends and family members make height jokes. They learn that all that really matters is whether you like the guy and whether he likes you. Six-foot-tall Ciana Clarke, 40, of Tallahassee, FL, may have felt awkward when she first began dating her shorter husband, but that soon changed. “His family and friends would tease him about his height rather than mine and say that he was lucky to land me, but he never let their cracks bother him,” she recalls. “He made me feel like a treasure and celebrated my difference more than anything else. I was proud of my height before we met, but his love and acceptance have made me feel more comfortable with our four-inch height difference.” And there’s no reason to relegate your high heels to the back of the closet when you have a self-confident guy in your corner. “My husband is really the one that made me start to embrace my height,” says Erin. “Before I met him, I don’t think I owned one pair of heels — now I can’t get enough of them. My man loves me for all that I am, height included!”

Elizabeth Roehrig has written for Redbook and other publications. For the other side of the story, read 3 dating challenges for short guys.

6 misunderstood first-date signs

6 misunderstood first-date signs
By Julie Taylor

You’re on a first date, and it’s going horribly. Or is it? It turns out that it’s all a matter of perspective. The elements that are making your date a disaster could actually signal something much sweeter. Read on for the six signs that your doomed date is anything but.

1. Your date is not your type
Sure, you’ve seen your date’s photo on his or her profile — but when you meet face to face, you realize the person is so not your type. “Next!,” you say? Not so fast. “Remember that there are thousands of happy couples out there who are not each other’s type,” says Janice MacLeod, coauthor of The Dating Repair Kit. By ruling out someone just because he or she does not meet your romance requisites, you are cutting yourself off from a world of possibilities.

When Jenna, 32, of Key West, FL, met Jeremy, she thought it would never work. After all, he was three inches shorter than she was and was a bit scruffy for her taste. “I wanted to leave instantly, but I had agreed to dinner and didn’t want to be rude,” she says. “Once I got past the superficial stuff, I realized what a gem of a guy he was, and to my surprise, our souls totally clicked. I never thought my soul mate would come in a package like his, but it happened. The lesson? Never say never, no matter what your ‘type’ may be.”

If your date isn’t your type, try redefining your “type” in terms of how a person treats you and makes you feel. This will instantly broaden your dating horizons. “Then vow to finish out the date, come what may,” MacLeod concludes. “Just be in the moment, and give chemistry a chance to grow and prosper.”

2. Your date is super-nervous
When Jennifer, 38, of Las Vegas, NV, was on her first date with Bob, she couldn’t help but notice that his voice was shaking. And his hands were trembling. And he was sweating buckets, right through his shirt. “I thought something was seriously wrong with this guy,” she recalls. “I had no intentions of dating him again.” But luckily for Jennifer (and Bob), she changed her mind and decided to give him a second chance. “The next date, he was much more chilled out and relaxed,” she continues. “He later told me he was nervous because I was the most beautiful woman he’d ever met. That was a good enough reason for me!”

Extreme nervousness on a first date could be a good sign, says MacLeod. “It probably means this person likes you a whole lot,” she says, “and might need a few dates to get past the initial set of jitters.”

When your date is super-nervous, put him or her at ease by being deliberate and calm yourself. Take a few deep breaths, smile, and make eye contact. “It helps to be compassionate and understanding about what the other person is going through,” MacLeod advises. “A first date isn’t necessarily easy, especially if you’re super-nervous to begin with, so try to cut your date some slack.”

3. Your date tells you there are other people in the picture
It’s your first dinner date. Between the hot wings and the halibut, she drops it on you: she’s just out of a major breakup and is seeing a few other men at the moment. Instant date-killer, right? Wrong, says MacLeod: “This full disclosure means your date is very honest,” she says. “She’s laying all her cards on the table and not pretending to be someone she’s not.”

Over appetizers, Bob, 29, of Colorado Springs, CO, learned more than he ever wanted to know about his date, Jill. “She told me she was dating another guy, but they weren’t totally serious — they were more like friends with benefits,” he recalls. His response to her confession? “I paid the tab and told her to call me if she ever dumped her so-called ‘friend,’” he recalls. Four weeks later, she did — and Bob and Jill began dating in earnest. “She later explained that she liked me so much, she didn’t want to lead me on during that first date,” he says. “In retrospect, I guess I can respect that.”

If your date tells you he or she is dating other people, just be happy no secrets are being kept from you. (After all, it’s better to know now than later.) However, if the bombshell your date drops is more of the “I’ve cheated on every person I’ve ever been with” variety, this is a major red flag, according to MacLeod... beware!

4. You argue
You’re having a nice, normal, getting-to-know-you conversation when suddenly you have a difference of opinion. What begins as a friendly disagreement quickly escalates into an all-out fight. Whether you’re arguing over politics, religion, or even the merits of VH1’s current reality show lineup, an argument on a first date never feels like a good sign. But a fight can actually be a very good thing. If you’re arguing, it can mean there’s passion between you. Sparks are flying — sure, maybe not in the way you’d hoped, but they’re still there. “Arguing can lead into interesting conversation, which is part of what keeps a relationship alive,” says MacLeod.

When 28-year-old Noah, of Burbank, CA, met Lillian, they instantly clashed. “It felt like we couldn’t see eye-to-eye on anything that first date,” he recalls. “She was a vegetarian, and I ordered a rib-eye steak. An hour-long debate on animal rights ensued.” Despite the meat melee, their connection was still meaty enough to merit a second date. “She was my opposite, sure, but being with her was never boring,” he says.

The next time you find yourself in a heated argument with a new date, try embracing your differences. After all, who’d want to date a clone of him- or herself? Agree to disagree, then search for common ground.

5. The date feels more like an interview
The entire time Mark, 41, of Plano, TX, was out with Jackie, he felt like he was in the hot seat. “She just kept asking me question after question — where I was from, what my favorite ice cream flavor was, where I wanted to be in five years,” he says. “It was really uncomfortable, and it was hard to feel a vibe or any sparks over all the interview-speak.”

If your date spends the whole time you’re together shooting questions at you in rapid-fire succession and giving you the hard sell, it could just mean that he or she is impressed by you and is simply trying too hard, says MacLeod. That was the case for Mark and Jackie: “Once I ‘passed’ her pre-screening interview, she let her true self come out — and that’s when we actually started to have some fun,” he recalls.

When your date is grilling you, attempt to turn it around and ask some questions of your own. That way, it won’t feel so one-sided. If you have a second date, MacLeod suggests catching a movie. “That way, you won’t have to talk the whole time,” she says. After your first-date chatfest, it will be a nice break.

6. There’s no goodnight kiss
If your date isn’t sealed with a kiss, it doesn’t always mean you’re getting the kiss-off. In fact, a sans-smooch soiree could even be a good thing, according to MacLeod. “Not kissing you on a first date very often means he’s being respectful,” she says. “He’s waiting for the perfect moment to have that great first kiss, like people have in movies. Plus, this means he’s probably not kissing all his other first dates, either. He’s too selective to just give his kisses away.”

Judy, 32, of Baltimore, says her current boyfriend waited four whole dates to kiss her. “I was wondering if he just wanted to be pals or what,” she recalls. “It turns out that he’s really old-fashioned. He just wanted us to build a friendship before we took things to the next level. The wait made our first kiss even that much more spectacular. I think we both saw fireworks!”

In the absence of a smooch, look for other signs of attraction. Does your date make eye contact, give you undivided attention, and make you feel like you’re the only person in the room? In this case, actions speak louder than… no action. Hang in there, and you may well be smooching in no time.

Julie Taylor has written for Cosmopolitan and Redbook and is the coauthor of How to Be a Dominant Diva. She and her now-husband’s first date was less than perfect — but she’s eternally grateful she gave him a second chance!