Remove film from box and load camera.
Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
Choose a suitable background for photo.
Mount camera on tripod and focus.
Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
Take flashcube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
Put magazines back on coffee table.
Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head... Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
Jump up in time to grab puppy and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
Call spouse to clean up the mess.
Fix a drink.
Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink, and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Genuine misprints taken from real publications
FREE PUPPIES: part German Shepherd - part dog .
FREE PUPPIES: ½ Cocker Spaniel - ½ sneaky neighbor dog.
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER, 8 years old. Unpleasant little dog.
GERMAN SHEPHERD, 85 lb., neutered, speaks German, free.
FOUND: dirty white dog, looks like a rat, been out awhile, better be a reward.
CUTE KITTEN FOR SALE, 2 Cents or best offer
FREE: Farm kittens, ready to eat.
KITTENS 8 WEEKS OLD - seeking good Christian home.
FREE PUPPIES: ½ Cocker Spaniel - ½ sneaky neighbor dog.
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER, 8 years old. Unpleasant little dog.
GERMAN SHEPHERD, 85 lb., neutered, speaks German, free.
FOUND: dirty white dog, looks like a rat, been out awhile, better be a reward.
CUTE KITTEN FOR SALE, 2 Cents or best offer
FREE: Farm kittens, ready to eat.
KITTENS 8 WEEKS OLD - seeking good Christian home.
Humorous reasons not to train a dog
Like to see the paw prints on my visitors clothes
The house is too orderly
Love the sound of barking in the morning, noon, afternoon, evening, and night
Want the Vet to get a new BMW
Garden and backyard need renovation, don't want to pay a gardener
Furniture look too nice
Neighbors don't complain enough
The house is too orderly
Love the sound of barking in the morning, noon, afternoon, evening, and night
Want the Vet to get a new BMW
Garden and backyard need renovation, don't want to pay a gardener
Furniture look too nice
Neighbors don't complain enough
Marriage and Relationships
Girls, just to let you know...
if you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
'When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason - there's a reason'
Molly McGee
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!!!)
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an
institution for the blind.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's
Degree and the women gets her Master.
Marriage certificate is just another name for a work permit.
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS"
-The Engagement Ring
-The Wedding Ring
-The Suffe-Ring
-The Endu-Ring
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with
friends....
You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow
has, you wish you had ordered that.
A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband
gives and the wife takes.
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must
be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette
Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get
in, and those inside desperate to get out. - Montaigne
I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook exactly
but we have a complete set of soup knives.
"I never married because there was no need.
I have three pets at home which answer the same
purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls
every morning, a parrot which swears all
afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night."
- Marie Corelli
"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry."
- Gloria Steinem
"Do you know why God witheld the sense of humour from women?
That we may love you instead of laughing at you."
Son :How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father:I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it.
Son :Is it true, Dad, that I heard that in ancient China, a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries?
Father:That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE.
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
- Mrs Patrick Campbell British actress Said to a man (1940) "The Life of Mrs Pat" M.Peters
They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it
is love; after marriage it is self defence.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two
under the man's eyes.
Marriage life is full of excitement and frustration:
-in the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman
listens.
-in the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
-in the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBORS listen.
It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an
eye-opener.
My wife knows how to make my long stories short --
She interrupts
Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women,
sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex
is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can
be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are
like fire. They're very excited, but the conditions
have to be exactly right for it to occur.
- Jerry Seinfeld
The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're sick of him.
Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home.
He probably lies about other things too.
Women are like fine wine. They all start
out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with
age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage,
the 'Y' becomes silent.
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just
can't face each other, but still they stay together. -- Hemant Joshi
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts
when they try to decide which one.
I gave my wife a new watch for her birthday . . . waterproof,
shockproof, unbreakable and anti-magnetic. Absolutely nothing
could happen to it. She lost it.
-Joey Adams
Sure God created man before woman.. but then you always make a
rough draft before The Final Masterpiece.
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front
of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of
course, men are just grateful.
-Jay Leno
Women say all men are the same, but they
have no problem telling you how
different you are from Mel Gibson.
I know a mother-in-law who sleeps in her spectacles, the better to see her
son-in-law suffer in here dreams.
- Attributed to Ernest Coquelin
Don't marry someone you can live with....Marry someone you can't live
without.
-- Anon --
"...This newest vitamin is made from chicken soup. It makes men cocky and
women lay better..."
Marriages are made in Heaven. So are thunder & lightning.
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it
like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should
give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they
leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
- Bob Ettinger
The wise never marry, and when they marry, they become otherwise.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman
- before marriage and after marriage.
Women will forgive anything.
Otherwise, the race would have died out long ago.
- Robert A. Heinlein
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
http://www.jokes2go.com/quotes
if you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
'When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason - there's a reason'
Molly McGee
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!!!)
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an
institution for the blind.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's
Degree and the women gets her Master.
Marriage certificate is just another name for a work permit.
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS"
-The Engagement Ring
-The Wedding Ring
-The Suffe-Ring
-The Endu-Ring
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with
friends....
You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow
has, you wish you had ordered that.
A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband
gives and the wife takes.
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must
be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette
Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get
in, and those inside desperate to get out. - Montaigne
I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook exactly
but we have a complete set of soup knives.
"I never married because there was no need.
I have three pets at home which answer the same
purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls
every morning, a parrot which swears all
afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night."
- Marie Corelli
"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry."
- Gloria Steinem
"Do you know why God witheld the sense of humour from women?
That we may love you instead of laughing at you."
Son :How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father:I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it.
Son :Is it true, Dad, that I heard that in ancient China, a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries?
Father:That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE.
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
- Mrs Patrick Campbell British actress Said to a man (1940) "The Life of Mrs Pat" M.Peters
They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it
is love; after marriage it is self defence.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two
under the man's eyes.
Marriage life is full of excitement and frustration:
-in the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman
listens.
-in the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
-in the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBORS listen.
It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an
eye-opener.
My wife knows how to make my long stories short --
She interrupts
Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women,
sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex
is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can
be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are
like fire. They're very excited, but the conditions
have to be exactly right for it to occur.
- Jerry Seinfeld
The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're sick of him.
Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home.
He probably lies about other things too.
Women are like fine wine. They all start
out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with
age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage,
the 'Y' becomes silent.
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just
can't face each other, but still they stay together. -- Hemant Joshi
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts
when they try to decide which one.
I gave my wife a new watch for her birthday . . . waterproof,
shockproof, unbreakable and anti-magnetic. Absolutely nothing
could happen to it. She lost it.
-Joey Adams
Sure God created man before woman.. but then you always make a
rough draft before The Final Masterpiece.
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front
of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of
course, men are just grateful.
-Jay Leno
Women say all men are the same, but they
have no problem telling you how
different you are from Mel Gibson.
I know a mother-in-law who sleeps in her spectacles, the better to see her
son-in-law suffer in here dreams.
- Attributed to Ernest Coquelin
Don't marry someone you can live with....Marry someone you can't live
without.
-- Anon --
"...This newest vitamin is made from chicken soup. It makes men cocky and
women lay better..."
Marriages are made in Heaven. So are thunder & lightning.
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it
like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should
give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they
leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
- Bob Ettinger
The wise never marry, and when they marry, they become otherwise.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman
- before marriage and after marriage.
Women will forgive anything.
Otherwise, the race would have died out long ago.
- Robert A. Heinlein
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
http://www.jokes2go.com/quotes
Food Quotes
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian
because I hate plants.
-- A. Whitney Brown
One of the most wonderful things about life is that we must regularly
stop what we are doing and devote our attention to eating.
-- Samuel Johnson
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian !
If god didn't want us to eat animals, He wouldn't have made them out of
meat.
Eat less fresh food. Eat more things containing preservatives.
Preservatives are called preservatives because they help you live longer.
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like
grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they
mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner.
He is so polite, he wouldn't open an oyster without
knocking on the shell first.
A great way to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a
mirror. Restaurants will almost always throw you out before
you can eat too much.
http://www.jokes2go.com/quotes
because I hate plants.
-- A. Whitney Brown
One of the most wonderful things about life is that we must regularly
stop what we are doing and devote our attention to eating.
-- Samuel Johnson
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian !
If god didn't want us to eat animals, He wouldn't have made them out of
meat.
Eat less fresh food. Eat more things containing preservatives.
Preservatives are called preservatives because they help you live longer.
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like
grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they
mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner.
He is so polite, he wouldn't open an oyster without
knocking on the shell first.
A great way to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a
mirror. Restaurants will almost always throw you out before
you can eat too much.
http://www.jokes2go.com/quotes
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
Posts
