5 Perfectly Good Reasons You Might Be Single

5 Perfectly Good Reasons You Might Be Single


by Scott Alden on May 26, 2011

For us single folks, it can get a little tiresome having our relationship status constantly framed as a problem. Sure, some may have issues that they’re unaware of that are keeping them out of the relationship they want, but, on the other hand many of us are just fine where we are.




Related: 15 Perks To Being Single and Dating



I recently spoke with writer, experienced dater and all-around-bad-ass Rachel Khona about the misconceptions that many people have about the unattached masses.



“Single women are often portrayed as marriage/baby hungry predators who are just looking to sink their claws into a man. Single men are often seen as non-committal and only out for some poon. The reality is there are men and women on both sides of the spectrum and in-between,” Khona says. “These days more women are interested in having a good time and I actually find a lot of men who do want commitment. I think people have a few bad experiences and they start to stereotype the opposite sex, but that’s just kookoo for cocoa puffs.”



Indeed.



Related: 7 Conversations You Have To Have Before You Commit



These misconceptions often affect the way that singles view themselves, too. They come to believe that their relationship status reflects poorly on them: They must be too desperate, too immature, or just too screwed up for relationships.



Take heart. You might be single for perfectly good reasons. Here are 5:





1. You’re not just looking for any relationship. You’re looking for the right one.



There are those people who get married right out of college and are 100 percent sure of that choice and live happily ever after. The rest of us might need to figure out what we’re really looking for before taking that next step. What you actually want may be very different from what you imagine, and it helps to know what’s really out there. According to Khona, casual dating is an excellent way to learn about your needs, desires and deal-breakers:



"You might think you’re OK dating a starving artist until you realize you’re tired of hanging out with someone who’s broke. Or you may start dating someone who’s really amazing personality-wise, but sucks in bed -- and realize that bad bedroom skills is a deal-breaker. Or you may realize you no longer want to date a guy who doesn’t share the same political views as you. Dating is a learning experience. You trip, you fall, you make mistakes, and you learn from them. Once you learn a lesson, your point of view shifts, and you start attracting different people."



Related: Your Friends Know Why Your Single. Do You?





2. You’re totally traumatized by your last relationship



In which case, OWN that. It’s really important that you don’t jump into anything you’re not ready for before you’ve put in some real time processing that loss. If you can keep one foot in the dating game, have some fun and build up your confidence? Power to you.





3. You’re enjoying dating multiple people



Absolutely nothing wrong with that. It’s better to be upfront about it, but if that’s what’s working for you and no one else has a problem with it, why not?



Related: 6 Perfectly Good Reasons To Date Multiple People





4. You’re busy



Relationships are time consuming and you’ve got stuff to do. Maybe you’re focusing on your career, or your art, or school, or you’re a detective who’s this close to cracking that big case. Sure, it’s worth it for the right relationship, but if you’re someone who has a hard time balancing your work life, your love life and your social life (which is pretty much everyone, right?) then casual dating might just work better for you until you’re on more solid ground career-wise. Just be aware that if a relationship is something you want in your life, at some point you’ll have to put some energy into that.



Related: Don't Look For The Right Person, Become The Right Person





5. You have things to learn from being single



Often, you’ll hear single folk say that they’re “taking a break from relationships to work on themselves.” It’s become something of a cliche, but there is a lot of truth to it. I asked Khona for her take on what can be learned from being single that can’t be learned from a relationship:



“How to be independent. How to take care of yourself. It’s nice because you know that when you meet someone, it’s because you want to be with them and not because you need to be with them. Personally, I feel like I can be my own person rather than swaying to the will of a guy. Kind of like an oak tree, instead of a palm tree.”



Agreed. If you’re using your single time to get solid in yourself, you’re just going to be that much more solid in a relationship when the time is right.



Whether it's a means to an end, a phase, or a lifestyle choice, being single should never be a source of shame. Dating can be enjoyed for what it is, whether you're actively seeking a relationship, or not.



Rachel Khona is a writer, performer and real-deal dating expert living in Brooklyn. She is currently working on her memoir about growing up wild-at-heart in a conservative Indian family, Tales of a Dot Head. You can keep up with her on Twitter Facebook



Quoted: http://www.howaboutwe.com/date-report/1280-5-perfectly-good-reasons-you-might-be-single

5 Common First Date Fears That You Really Don't Need To Worry About

5 Common First Date Fears That You Really Don't Need To Worry About by HowAboutWe, on Tue Sep 27, 2011 12:13pm PDT

by Scott Alden for HowAboutWe.com


1. You’re not good looking enough



Look. I’m not going to lie to you and say that looks aren’t important. You already know that they are, because they’re important to you, right? But you have to remember that looks are very fluid. You rarely see yourself when you’re laughing, when you’re curious, when you’re talking about something you’re really passionate about.



More often than not, you see yourself in the mirror when you’re worried about how you look. Trust me. You look better than that.



2. You don’t know anything about anything



You’re convinced that all your date is going to want to talk about is contemporary art/the implications of Exxon’s recent deal with Russia/indie heist films of the 90s/which hot new startup has a real shot for success/fall fashion trends and you don’t know anything about that stuff.

Well. So what. It’s your date too, and if your date can’t be bothered to find out what you’re interested in, that’s not your fault. Don’t feel like you have to smile and nod all night -- you can just change the subject. Or if you really are interested in what they’re saying, listen and and then ask informed questions. The neuroscientist sitting across from you doesn’t expect you to know already know everything about neuroscience, and may enjoy talking about it to someone who doesn’t get it.






3. You’re awkward



One of the top qualities cited by all genders and sexual orientations as important in a potential mate is confidence. So, fearing that you’ll be penalized for your tendency to stumble over your words and knock over salt shakers isn’t crazy.

Please remember, however, that confidence is not the same as flawlessness. It’s easy to be confident if you’re Mr./Mrs. Smooth, but confidence despite the fact that you’re not the ideal specimen? That’s impressive.



Take for example, say, the President of the United States. He routinely stammers and trips over his words, but still comes across as confident and commanding. The point is -- how you rock what you got is as important as what you got.





4. You’re inexperienced



Maybe you ended a long relationship or a marriage and you haven’t been on a date since The Real World was worth watching. So what? The only mistake you can make is to apologize for your lack of experience.



The best dates are the ones where you’re both able to forget the rules, anyway. So you’ve got an advantage if you don’t know them to begin with.



5. You’re going to get something stuck in your teeth/spill on your shirt/have bad breath/do something else that will traumatize you forever

First of all, it’s very easy to avoid most of these feared faux pas. Don’t order certain foods, have some breath mints on you, a little bottle of Wine-Away if that’s how you roll.



More importantly, if someone really holds something like spinach in your teeth against you, despite all of your other wonderful qualities, then forget them. A minor dating accident is actually a great litmus test for shallowness. If someone reacts badly to a little thing like that, consider yourself lucky that you found out early.


Quoted: http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/5-common-first-date-fears-that-you-really-dont-need-to-worry-about-2570155