Men’s grooming habits that turn women off
By Sarah Bernard
The Thread – Mon, Jul 18, 2011 2:52 PM EDT
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Ladies, tell me you agree. There is a horrific beauty double standard going on that we have to do something about. Now that it's summer, we've all been upping our beauty game— more shaving and waxing, keeping toenails in check— so the terrible grooming habits of our guys have become all the more glaring. Why is stomach-turning neglect (or in certain cases, too much attention) the norm? We're not asking guys to do anything we don't do ourselves. If you're feeling extremely grossed out by what you're seeing thanks to flip-flops and bathing suits, take comfort in this: You are not alone.
We asked our Facebook friends (affectionately known as "Threaders") to share the grooming issues that irk them the most, and the answers were awfully familiar. One Threader asked if we could please paste the comments "on a huge billboard that all men can see." Well, here's our billboard equivalent! See the top ten offenses below and add more by posting on our Facebook wall.
1. Long, dirty toe nails. Or, as one Threader called it, "Hobbit feet." I love that. It's true. Guys, you don't have to sit for a pedicure, but there's no excuse for claws filled with dirt.
2. Hair where it shouldn't be. Nose hair was the number-one complaint with ear hair a close second. "Why is it so hard to buy a trimmer and a mirror?" asked a completely reasonable Threader. We don't have the answer.
3. Mouth madness. This is just basics. We're brushing, flossing, and whitening, but certain guys seem to think they can get away with "yuck mouth," as a Threader called it. Not true.
4. Unattractive smells. This can mean not showering often enough or not embracing deodorant. This is also related to #3 (see above).
5. Eyebrow issues. Either overgrown or over plucked. We don't want unruly, caveman hairs, but we also don't want you to look more sculpted than we do.
6. Too much cologne. If everything you touch starts to smell like your medicine cabinet, that's not good.
7. Too much waxing. There's grooming and then there's grooming. No one wants to feel like they're with a newborn.
8. Dry, cracked heels. You can put lotion on them, you know.
9. Hair that never moves. If your hair is as hard as a car door, you've got to rethink your products.
10. Letting your blackheads live on. Everyone has zits, especially in the hot and sweaty summer. But, jeez, if you have blackheads on your face, deal with them or book a facial where someone else will.
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Quoted: http://shine.yahoo.com/the-thread/men-grooming-habits-turn-women-off-185222742.html
Sunday, July 24, 2011
8 Signs He's Totally Into You.
8 Signs He's Totally Into You
Unfortunately, after a first date, it's rarely as simple as: "I like you, I had fun, let's get together again."
I'm coy after a first date because:
I don't want to look too eager/desperate. I won't ignore my attraction, but I'll at least try to temper it.
I want to look like I have a life. Even though I don't have a life, I might try to look a little aloof.
I'm not sure if you like me. It's scary to take the dive and show I'm interested when I'm not sure if the girl is interested.
Despite attempts to look calm, cool, and collected, there are a number a things I'll do around an initial date that clue you in that I'm interested. Here are a few:
Completing the Date
It may not indicate that you're the apple of my eye, but it does indicate that you're not a total disaster. Most people are courteous enough to do the absolute minimum on a date: finish whatever activity you're doing together and devote sufficient time out of respect for the other person. But some situations are such utter disaster, things must be cut short.
I once went out with a girl who spewed embarrassingly stupid things I couldn't respond to. Finally, I suggested changing plans to meet up with my buddies. Once a date is officially a bust, I'll look for any way out.
One on One
If I'm into you, and comfortable, I won't want to "share" you. A common tactic to combat a boring date is calling in "reinforcement" friends to "dilute" you. I'm naturally talkative with those around me, but if I invite everyone else around us into our party, I might be looking for a more interesting outlet.
Extending the Date
Suggesting something (other than going back to someone's place) after dinner like taking a walk, grabbing a drink, going for dessert, catching a movie, etc., indicates I'm asking for an encore. Although a masochist like myself might ask a girl to spend more time with me if I'm not enjoying her company.
Suggesting Another Date
Sometimes I get so excited during a first date I play my cards by suggesting other things we should do together. A common time to suggest another date is at the end of the date, though some guys just say this to be friendly. But it can't be bad if the guy is enthusiastic enough to suggest a second date. He just has to make good on his word.
Friendly Follow-Up Right After You Say Good-bye
Sometimes after a date, I'll text the girl telling her I had a great time, out of sheer giddiness. If I'm not interested after the date, I'll head straight home and begin my process of fading out of this girl's life (following up is not part of that process).
Striking While the Iron's Hot
I'll appear to be flaky or uninterested if I wait too long. If I enjoyed the date I'll contact her within a few days. This doesn't necessarily mean I'm asking her out again just yet. I'm just keeping the conversation going. If I'm not interested, I won't ever contact her again. Regardless of how great you thought things went, if he doesn't contact you again he's clearly not interested.
Consistency
Hold me to a higher standard than one extra date, or one call back after the initial date. How many times have you gone on a few dates only to have it fizzle out? You can't be sure I'm interested until we've gone out consistently for more than a month.
Non-Cliché Dates/Spontaneity
Take notice when I ask you to do random little things: run errands, go to the park. It's that next step when I'm getting to know you and showing you I want you around whenever, wherever. Spending this "informal" time with you indicates I'm interested.
Remember, guys sometimes act interested just to get laid, and there are guys who feel guilty cutting a date short when it's not going well. "Trying to be nice" actually sends the wrong signals if a guy is not interested.
My advice: Use these indicators as guidelines (they usually build on each other as things progress). Be vigilant, because reading the signals incorrectly will get you hurt. Hopefully you'll meet a good guy who is sending honest signals.
How do you show you're interested after a first date? Do you wait for a guy to make the next move after a first date? What signals are you looking for in guys after a first date? Do you agree with my signals, and that it's tough to read them in the beginning?
Quoted: http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/8-signs-hes-totally-into-you-2513796/
Smart men, foolish relationship choices
Smart men, foolish relationship choices
By Kent Miller
Men — even very smart men — can find themselves in all sorts of pitfalls, pratfalls and bizarre situations on the journey to finding true romance. Do any of these distinctly XY uh-ohs ring true with you?
Choosing a mate for her looks
Sure, looks matter. But be careful what you wish for: “What I find is often true with a guy who is dating a beautiful woman is that he starts out by feeling great that he’s with this hot person,” says Ron May, a psychologist in private practice in Madison, WI, who is on the editorial board for The Psychology of Men and Masculinity. “But then, he starts to fear that other men might want her. He becomes jealous, and that can undermine the relationship.”
Assuming you’re always the “reasonable” one
Men often take undeserved pride in being more rational, but the reality is that “everyone has a reasonable side and a side that can get unreasonable at times,” says Daniel L. Buccino, a clinical social worker and assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine in Baltimore, MD. “In the early stages of a relationship, when there are a lot of hormones and lust, people sometimes overlook the underlying issues. If a woman behaves poorly, her partner could try to convince himself that this is OK, that it will pass and that she’s acting this way because all women are more emotional than men. The reality could simply be that she’s not a good match for him.”
Buccino adds: “I often see the scenario of the so-called ‘nice guy’ dealing with the so-called ‘mean’ girlfriend, when it turns out they’re both being difficult. Despite his mellow exterior, a man can be very controlling about many issues. He really needs to have things his way. He tries to do this in what seems to be a very nice and reasonable way, but when she gets emotional in response to his inflexibility, he can step back and say, ‘Of course I am the reasonable one.’ Then he feels more righteous.”
Trying to “fix” everything
When presented with a relationship challenge, men often revert to Mr. Fix-It mode. “It’s a product of growing up in a male culture that emphasizes being in control. A lot of our work is oriented toward figuring things out and rationalizing things,” May says. Such skills are less valuable when it comes to relationships, where facial expressions and unspoken messages are key to good communication. “A woman might say, ‘When you’re off traveling on a business trip, I begin to feel lonely and scared,’” May says. “The classic “overly rational” male response — ‘That doesn’t make sense, you are a successful woman with lots of friends’ — invalidates her true feeling, which is that she wants to feel close to and desired by her husband.”
Suppressing negative emotions
Surprisingly, many men find the quintessential male emotion as scary as a dark room is to a small child. “Men are often afraid that if they allow themselves to feel angry, they will be violent. As a therapist, I try to get them to talk about whether they have lost control of their anger. I ask, “Have you ever hit someone or destroyed property?” says Bob Maslow, a clinical psychologist in private practice in Charlottesville, VA, and the author of Men, Women and the Power of Empathy. “When they realize they haven’t, that gives them the support they need to trust that they will be able to express their anger in a nondestructive way.” Says Maslow: “If you always bury your anger, you become distant and withdrawn. To a mature woman, that’s more threatening than an expression of anger.” Gloria Tate, a Dallas-based family counselor, observes that a man who’s learned to conceal his anger can punish his partner in many ways: “The public thinks that only women withhold affection, but it’s a controlling behavior on the part of men, too. Some men do it for years. Men also cheat when they’re angry.”
Picking partners that need to be rescued
Both genders can suffer from “White Knight Syndrome” — the desire to rescue a romantic partner from his or her personal problems. But because a white-knight man is also fulfilling the traditional role of caring for a woman, he might end up hiding his true motives from both his partner and himself according to LeslieBeth Wish, a social worker in Sarasota, FL, who writes the “Relationship Realities” column at qualityhealth.com. “If you feel damaged or empty psychologically; if you were the black sheep of your family, for example, you might choose someone who is more needy and therefore more vulnerable than you are,” Wish says, adding: “A man should ask himself, ‘Do I tend to be in cyclical patterns with women who look up to me? Would I be comfortable with a woman who makes as much as or more money than me, has lots of interests and capabilities, and doesn’t have any serious limitations?’”
Cheating
Despite the swaggering image, the “player” or “lady killer” (to use that quaint term from our grandparents’ time) may not be as self-confident as he appears. “Cheating is a way of putting up a shield against intimacy and protecting yourself so you don’t get hurt,” says Karen Shanor, a clinical psychologist and neuropsychologist in private practice in Washington, D.C., and author of seven books on relationships. “A lot of times, very early on in a relationship we will get a lot of signals that a person is not trustworthy,” Shanor says. Emotionally aware people respond to these warning signals by getting out as fast as they can. But some men engage in what Shanor calls “defensive cheating,” thinking: “I better cheat on her first so she doesn’t hurt me.”
If any of the above behaviors sound a little too familiar, what can you do?
Self-awareness is critical to relationship success
Maslow says: “Typically, men won’t share vulnerable feelings with other men. But a man can get a lot of terrific support from a close female friend or possibly a sister.” Wish advises: “Get outside your comfort zone and date different kinds of women.” Buccino tries to get his patients — both male and female — to seek a partner who provides what he calls the “Confucian virtues” of being “responsible, reliable and trustworthy.” After all, explains Buccino, “The best way to elicit good behavior from others is to behave that way ourselves.”
Kent Miller is currently writing a comic young adult novel. His articles have appeared in Nintendo Power magazine, The Seattle Post-Intelligencer, The San Francisco Chronicle and The St. Petersburg Times (Florida).
Quoted: http://yahoo.match.com/cp.aspx?cpp=/cppp/yahoo/article.html&articleid=12313&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=798070&ER=sessiontimeout
By Kent Miller
Men — even very smart men — can find themselves in all sorts of pitfalls, pratfalls and bizarre situations on the journey to finding true romance. Do any of these distinctly XY uh-ohs ring true with you?
Choosing a mate for her looks
Sure, looks matter. But be careful what you wish for: “What I find is often true with a guy who is dating a beautiful woman is that he starts out by feeling great that he’s with this hot person,” says Ron May, a psychologist in private practice in Madison, WI, who is on the editorial board for The Psychology of Men and Masculinity. “But then, he starts to fear that other men might want her. He becomes jealous, and that can undermine the relationship.”
Assuming you’re always the “reasonable” one
Men often take undeserved pride in being more rational, but the reality is that “everyone has a reasonable side and a side that can get unreasonable at times,” says Daniel L. Buccino, a clinical social worker and assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine in Baltimore, MD. “In the early stages of a relationship, when there are a lot of hormones and lust, people sometimes overlook the underlying issues. If a woman behaves poorly, her partner could try to convince himself that this is OK, that it will pass and that she’s acting this way because all women are more emotional than men. The reality could simply be that she’s not a good match for him.”
Buccino adds: “I often see the scenario of the so-called ‘nice guy’ dealing with the so-called ‘mean’ girlfriend, when it turns out they’re both being difficult. Despite his mellow exterior, a man can be very controlling about many issues. He really needs to have things his way. He tries to do this in what seems to be a very nice and reasonable way, but when she gets emotional in response to his inflexibility, he can step back and say, ‘Of course I am the reasonable one.’ Then he feels more righteous.”
Trying to “fix” everything
When presented with a relationship challenge, men often revert to Mr. Fix-It mode. “It’s a product of growing up in a male culture that emphasizes being in control. A lot of our work is oriented toward figuring things out and rationalizing things,” May says. Such skills are less valuable when it comes to relationships, where facial expressions and unspoken messages are key to good communication. “A woman might say, ‘When you’re off traveling on a business trip, I begin to feel lonely and scared,’” May says. “The classic “overly rational” male response — ‘That doesn’t make sense, you are a successful woman with lots of friends’ — invalidates her true feeling, which is that she wants to feel close to and desired by her husband.”
Suppressing negative emotions
Surprisingly, many men find the quintessential male emotion as scary as a dark room is to a small child. “Men are often afraid that if they allow themselves to feel angry, they will be violent. As a therapist, I try to get them to talk about whether they have lost control of their anger. I ask, “Have you ever hit someone or destroyed property?” says Bob Maslow, a clinical psychologist in private practice in Charlottesville, VA, and the author of Men, Women and the Power of Empathy. “When they realize they haven’t, that gives them the support they need to trust that they will be able to express their anger in a nondestructive way.” Says Maslow: “If you always bury your anger, you become distant and withdrawn. To a mature woman, that’s more threatening than an expression of anger.” Gloria Tate, a Dallas-based family counselor, observes that a man who’s learned to conceal his anger can punish his partner in many ways: “The public thinks that only women withhold affection, but it’s a controlling behavior on the part of men, too. Some men do it for years. Men also cheat when they’re angry.”
Picking partners that need to be rescued
Both genders can suffer from “White Knight Syndrome” — the desire to rescue a romantic partner from his or her personal problems. But because a white-knight man is also fulfilling the traditional role of caring for a woman, he might end up hiding his true motives from both his partner and himself according to LeslieBeth Wish, a social worker in Sarasota, FL, who writes the “Relationship Realities” column at qualityhealth.com. “If you feel damaged or empty psychologically; if you were the black sheep of your family, for example, you might choose someone who is more needy and therefore more vulnerable than you are,” Wish says, adding: “A man should ask himself, ‘Do I tend to be in cyclical patterns with women who look up to me? Would I be comfortable with a woman who makes as much as or more money than me, has lots of interests and capabilities, and doesn’t have any serious limitations?’”
Cheating
Despite the swaggering image, the “player” or “lady killer” (to use that quaint term from our grandparents’ time) may not be as self-confident as he appears. “Cheating is a way of putting up a shield against intimacy and protecting yourself so you don’t get hurt,” says Karen Shanor, a clinical psychologist and neuropsychologist in private practice in Washington, D.C., and author of seven books on relationships. “A lot of times, very early on in a relationship we will get a lot of signals that a person is not trustworthy,” Shanor says. Emotionally aware people respond to these warning signals by getting out as fast as they can. But some men engage in what Shanor calls “defensive cheating,” thinking: “I better cheat on her first so she doesn’t hurt me.”
If any of the above behaviors sound a little too familiar, what can you do?
Self-awareness is critical to relationship success
Maslow says: “Typically, men won’t share vulnerable feelings with other men. But a man can get a lot of terrific support from a close female friend or possibly a sister.” Wish advises: “Get outside your comfort zone and date different kinds of women.” Buccino tries to get his patients — both male and female — to seek a partner who provides what he calls the “Confucian virtues” of being “responsible, reliable and trustworthy.” After all, explains Buccino, “The best way to elicit good behavior from others is to behave that way ourselves.”
Kent Miller is currently writing a comic young adult novel. His articles have appeared in Nintendo Power magazine, The Seattle Post-Intelligencer, The San Francisco Chronicle and The St. Petersburg Times (Florida).
Quoted: http://yahoo.match.com/cp.aspx?cpp=/cppp/yahoo/article.html&articleid=12313&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=798070&ER=sessiontimeout
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