Reflection over a rough weekend

Being a while since I am doing up a journal my reflection of the thoughts that run through my mind. Though they are true, it reflects the current state of my life and mind. After 4-5 years of uncertainty and shaken up in faith, knowing the truth really shaken my very core faith. Though I did sense that it is going to approach and come one day, I was still not ready for it. It was a tough journey indeed as I look back.

As I see now, the situation seems to present itself, similarly like in the past. I could see the reference and check points. Just that this time round, the age and year is different. I am more cbb, can't be bother; trained by my profession and though learning style hard.

I know I am naughty now than before, with lesser constraint, i dare to ask more. Thus this is the part that is encased and  now it is the time to release. The high sort of controlled curiosity, not necessary the traditional, yet modern context from all the pollution of the world. Knowing what you wear, noticing clothes trend, systematically knowing the behavior pattern of a person. I have a thought that is unshared and not sure whether should it be shared. May I just wish to re-live the times that I think i missed out. I thank God for the opportunity and this time round i don't wish to squander it.
EC, LYP..SD/DS....perhaps it is true or a fact to be accepted that I am just attracted to SD/DS girls but will have no ending with them.....EC: 1 year 4 months and gone into the background of life. LYP: barely anything and i am the 366th person she will be in a year. not even a leap year which makes is 367th person.

I can only pray and ask God, please let this last and let me be a blessing to someone. Even it is just more of a gift than receive, I think I don't mind. I can't imagine how will i react when I hear the same truth(if i get to know), will i have the same emotional stirring? Or should i even act to do what I can to prevent it. Or perhaps I am over-worried that it will never happen. Or it is none of my business.  Or even speaking of it will trigger the flow of the events towards the undesired outcome.

What I can pray is...may knowledge be spread, may the truth set people free. Let it be for Your will be done. I learnt that I have move to this stage like how Julia Robert quoted ""You know it's love when all you want is that person to be happy, even if you're not part of their happiness."

I gladly accept this though not wholeheartedly. Look like it is the grace of God who carries me always. He is always faithful. 

Am I going to open up the floodgates again? Or I just remain status quot then... it is difficult for me to make a choice....... not more nice guy...but to slowly transform into a good guy...No more Christian Nice Guy anymore ok!