A quick reflection

Its seems so overwhelming and yet brings a reality touch to how I feel.. sometimes it is a unpleasant or a milder word, a uneasy feeling. Well, cuddling with my ever faithful Yokie Bear......faithful sitting at my bed side....nowadays, I hug it less......perhaps I bath everynight.....or just that I am distracted by Facebook games.... it has being a while since I return to doing deeper reflection.....deeper thoughts of how am I really feeling.....consolidation of my feelings and emotions..... as next saturday draws near, the meet up that had some homework to do which now I don't really remember much, only know got to detail down how I felt on each of the occassion....it is become an increasing success for me to "box up" my emotion so to the point that I don't really feel much....or process my emotion much. I take things as it is....

Here are a few things that I have in mind that I wish to process....though only for myself to read.....and God to know.....I guess no-one....not really anyone will read this...but well...I just put this for record purpose...again...

1. Self-sabotaging actions and thoughts - This is something that as I go through the night lesson on positive pyschology...about thinking traps, it is something that I picked up and perhaps work on it.....and reduce the occurance of it....finding the roots....and finding the source.....and nip it at its source....or reduce its source

2. Relationship with my mum - seems like it is where I wish the most, yet I failed th most.....not sure how much have I process thru or have not process thru at all.....but things don't seem to be as normal or manageable as before....perhaps the one who can't let it go is on my side....thus perhaps for once, I should go for enocounter weekend again......and let God do a new work.....something that is being 2 years....and it becomes consciously unconscious reflex actions and words...that I know I could have done something else but yet still does the same thing again and again....non-constructive non affirming.....poor tone...non-loving way.... task orientated and non relational.........just do it...but don't care about how it is done..... the source of hope...yet the source of despair and anguish...... so I only can let it be....learned to be helpless at situation...and feel divided on what I can do and what is to be done.

3. Moving on..... I serious thought I should move on with life.......no point still thinking about Miss Lin ....and what so whatever....re-align myself.....with a different set of purpose and goals..... or just engrossed myself with work work work work work work work,....ministry...minstry...ministry......no relationship...no BGR....don't think about mate.....just mission mission mission mission mission...God God God God God...Master master master.....No more 3M but only 2M....over the years ...especially these 2 years....I still feel that though it is a good motivation, it has it "extreme" non solid foundation basis.....God centre....God will provide....God has its plan.....God have others.....God will know.....well in simple....I am just tired....burden larden by life....and just wish to carry on with life...living day by day.....yet with the discontentment that I can do more....but yet can't...with self critical thought and self sabotaging actions.....how worse can it go......perhaps a quick solution is good.....but yet God just don't want to take me home....yet.....supppose He has a plan for me...which I am not aware...or I am too fearful to know....or to realise it....thus well....it goes back into a cycle...again and again.....running the hamster wheel.........running but having not work done....not displacement....got distance but no displacement....so get me out of the wheel....or get a wheel that moves.....God I know you are real....however I don't feel I am real anymore....for I don't feel a sense of existence.....or self...but only a task to do...to continue......and just do.......where actin speaks....but emotions are squesh.....where not how I feel matters, neither how I think matters...but what I do.....how sad it can be...but well this is the stage where I think I am.....I can see and relate to the change and I wish at times I would have taken a different choice......but well....choice is already made.....so just go through ....and go through hell out of it....