Shocking Ways You're Sabotaging Your Relationship

Shocking Ways You're Sabotaging Your Relationship

You may be the best damn girlfriend on the planet…but if you're guilty of any of these bad habits, you could be putting your connection with your man at risk.
By Christie Griffin

1. You Give and Give and Give and Give

Have you heard the one about the doting girlfriend who gave her heart to a guy for three years, only for him to say that he's not the marrying kind? And then when they break up, he turns around and proposes to some bitch (and we do mean bitch!), three months later.
"I see it all the time," confesses Randi Gunther, PhD, couples counselor, and author of the upcoming book Relationship Saboteurs (June 2010). "Women know they have the capacity to nurture and care for men, and will be extremely giving. The problem is when a woman holds it against her partner — as if she's a martyr — and the guy suddenly feels very guilty and, even worse, obligated. A man likes a bitch because she has her own agenda that isn't all about him; he likes that he's not totally responsible for her happiness."
If you enjoy being a giving person, then by all means, keep it up. Just understand that it's like putting money into a bank that has a hole on the bottom — you can't expect to cash in (say, like for a commitment from a guy). Do nice things because you want to — and don't forget to be a little selfish too.

2. You Overcommunicate

With all the Facebooking, tweeting, IMing, e-mailing, and texting going on, it might feel impossible to not communicate a lot with your boyfriend or husband, at least indirectly. But all that extraneous info about what you're doing dissolves your alluring mystery, warns Ian Kerner, PhD, sex therapist and author of She Comes First.
"I actually defriended my wife on Facebook," he admits. "We've all heard the phrase that familiarity breeds contempt, but in this age of social networking, perhaps familiarity breeds something worse: boredom."
Keep some of your mystery — and mask your mundane day-to-day life — by resisting the urge to check in with your guy constantly. And ditch all the dumb updates about what you had for breakfast. We promise you that No. One. Cares.

3. You Air All Your Frustrations to Your Friends

Admit it: A good venting sesh with your girls feels great. You get to rant about how you think your man was checking out another girl last Saturday, or how you can't believe he wants to buy a new car when he could be saving that money for an engagement ring. But constantly telling your friends your guy gripes — even the smallest stuff — can sabotage your relationship, says Gunther.
"Your friends want to support you, will sympathize with you, and won't challenge you," explains Gunther. "So then everyone comes away from the chat with the deep opinion that your boyfriend or husband is usually in the wrong."
All your bitching and moaning can have a lasting effect on how your friends feel about your guy, and eventually they'll stop supporting your relationship because they remember every last jerky thing he's done. Not good. So, bottom line? You don't have to cut the chick chat altogether…but tone it down, and be sure to tell them about the nice things he does every once in a while too. You'll feel much better about your relationship overall if you remind yourself from time to time that he's a good guy.

Keep reading to find out the last two surprising, "harmless" things you might be doing wrong…

4. You Don't Think You're Hot
Do you have a hard time accepting compliments about your body? Freak out at the thought of your guy watching you walk butt-naked to the bathroom? Cringe anytime your guy grazes his hand across your stomach? These seemingly minor habits could be more dangerous than you realize because poor self-esteem about your body can damage your sex life, warns Kerner.
"If you don't feel sexy, you're just not as interested in having sex," says Kerner. "Or maybe you only want to do it with the lights off or leave some of your clothes on. Many men I work with are very frustrated because they think their girlfriends and wives are beautiful, but the women are very inhibited."
To keep your insecurities from hurting your relationship, the first thing you have to do is take your body-bashing down a notch. Stop pointing out your flaws to your guy — you don't want him to start believing what you're saying, do you? It's easier said than done, but start making the transition by incorporating confident little changes in the bedroom. Even if you really don't want the lights on, try lighting a few candles instead. After all, everyone looks good in candlelight!

5. You Confuse Hopes with Realistic Expectations
Have you ever fantasized about your boyfriend doing something special — say, throwing a surprise birthday party for you — and then thought about it so much that when it didn't happen, you were genuinely disappointed? Maybe you even got a little mad that all he did was get you a cupcake and sweater from Express. This kind of behavior can wreak havoc on your bond.
"You can't walk into a relationship with a script," says Gunther. "A lot of us have neurotic expectations, but are so invested in our fantasies that we keep going back to them. It's fine to hope for certain things from your man, but they need to be based on some realistic potential of actually being satisfied."
In other words, if your boyfriend never plans weekend getaways, stop disappointing yourself by daydreaming that he'll whisk you away to a B&B. It's fun to have fantasies, but if they're causing constant disappointment in your relationship, you're just setting yourself up to fail. Focus on the stuff your guy does right (rather than what he's not doing), and you'll strengthen — not sabotage — your love connection.

Quoted: http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/relationship-advice/relationship-counseling

6 Ways to Train Your Boyfriend

6 Ways to Train Your Boyfriend We don’t believe men are dogs, but some behavior-molding techniques used on canines and other beasts can work on a guy. You may never have to nag again.
By Bethany Heitman

You can’t change a man” is one of the oldest clichés in the book. Well, we just discovered some news that challenges that notion, and it comes from an unlikely source: animal trainers.“Males are card-carrying members of the animal kingdom, and they exhibit a lot of the same behaviors as many other mammals,” says Amy Sutherland, author of What Shamu Taught Me About Life, Love, and Marriage: Lessons for People from Animals and Their Trainers. “So they’re likely to respond to some of the same training techniques.”Sutherland is speaking from experience. After spending a year at an exotic-animal training school, watching students in action, she successfully applied the techniques to her husband. In less than a few months, she was able to curb some of his undesirable traits.We know you so want in on this. That’s why Cosmo uncovered time-tested methods used by the most successful animal trainers on the planet. Then we got top psychologists to show you how to apply those techniques to your guy. Read on and you will soon be able to teach him some new tricks.

BOYFRIEND BUMMER 1: He’s Allergic to Chores
Indulge His Playfulness

As Used on Chimpanzees
These primates are big mischief makers, so getting them to calm down can be a real bitch. Luckily, if you indulge their silly side, you have a good shot at getting them to pay attention. “When we need the chimps to perform a task, we get on their level and play with them for 5 or 10 minutes,” says Eugene Cussons, rescue director on Animal Planet’s Escape to Chimp Eden. Once they’ve had some fun, they’re more willing to heed commands because they instinctively know it’s their turn to return the favor.

Apply It to Your Guy
No matter how old they are, men never quite lose touch with the playful, naughty boy within. Too bad they often pick the worst times to bring out that brat — like when you’re running late for work or need them to do something around the house. To get what you need done, “indulge him with a few minutes of acting goofy,” says Anthony Riche, PhD, author of Finally! How to Stop Dating Losers Forever. Then tell him you’ll finish playing with him later, as long as he takes out the trash or does whatever else you need him to do. Since his mind and body are now surging with feel-good chemicals from your brief, fun exchange, he’s less likely to wrinkle his nose at the request, says Riche. Use this technique consistently and, over time, he’ll be less likely to associate chores with drudgery.

BOYFRIEND BUMMER 2: He Lacks Social Graces
Reward the Good, Ignore the Bad

As Used on Dogs
Pretraining, a pup will sniff crotches and paw at people’s legs. The instinct is to shoo it away, but that only makes it want to sniff and paw more. “Instead, trainers reward the dog when it behaves and ignore any actions they don’t like,” says Sutherland. Since dogs crave affection, they slowly begin to avoid bad habits and opt for good ones.

Apply It to Your Guy
Perhaps your man could use some finessing when it comes to social situations too — say, to curb his habit of telling off-color jokes. When he engages in unseemly behavior, your immediate reaction might be to tell him to knock it off already. But that tactic invariably falls on deaf ears.“Men don’t want to be treated like children, and if you correct him, he’ll feel like you’re mothering him,” says Patricia Covalt, PhD, author of What Smart Couples Know. Instead, ignore him when he’s being obnoxious, and give him some PDA (think a kiss or a tap on the butt) when he’s acting sweet. Since guys — like dogs — aim to please, he’ll instinctively begin to avoid the behavior that makes you freeze him out. One caveat: Timing is crucial. Be sure to reward him at the exact moment he engages in a positive behavior; otherwise, he won’t be able to make the appropriate connection.

BOYFRIEND BUMMER 3: He Bolts When You Argue
Keep a Cool Head

As Used on Horses
Beneath the powerful stallion exterior lies a skittish animal. “That’s why they generally respond well to a calming voice and touch from trainers,” says Patricia Barlow-Irick, PhD, equine-behavior specialist in New Mexico.

Apply It to Your Guy
Like horses, men seem to be hardwired to want to bolt at the first sound of irritation. So even if he’s been working your last nerve, try to approach him in a cool, collected manner (remember, as hard as it sounds, this is all going to benefit you in the end). For instance, if you are pissed that he hasn’t been planning enough date nights or can’t stand when he forgets to call while he’s out, your instinct might be to yell or get huffy. Instead, keep your composure by taking a few minutes alone before you approach him, then speak in a quiet, even-toned voice. “Calmly telling him what he did wrong will make it easier for him to tune in to what you’re saying,” says Covalt. Touch also plays a crucial role in this scenario: Place your hand on his as you speak. Not only does this buffer the blow of your words, but it also mimics the comforting way a trainer strokes a horse’s mane to calm the animal down.

BOYFRIEND BUMMER 4: He Stands His Ground
Use Proper Body Language

As Used on Cougars
When trainers want a cougar to bend to their will, they find a middle ground. “Instead of trying to submit or dominate a cougar, trainers try to form a cooperative relationship,” says Sutherland. They walk tall with squared-off shoulders. This stance ensures that the trainers don’t look like prey but they’re not threatening either.

Apply It to Your Guy
Even the most liberated guy can feel emasculated by a fearless chick. So when you’re having a sticky conversation with him, he might be unconsciously bristling at your body language. “If you’re standing really close to him with your hands on your hips and your feet wide apart, he’ll get defensive and instinctively want to fight back,” says body-language expert Patti Wood, author of Success Signals. Similarly, if you stand meekly and tilt your head while talking to him, he might take it as a sign that you’re too submissive. “The best way to stay on equal ground is to stand with good posture, your head up, and an open frame so he sees you as being on the same level as he is. This way, he’ll be more apt to want to talk things through with you,” says Wood.

BOYFRIEND BUMMER 5: He Won’t Drag His Ass Off the Couch
Approach Him at the Right Time

As Used on Lions
Lions are, in a word, lazy. According to trainers, they sleep for up to 20 hours a day and only move when they see it as beneficial to themselves. “Trying to get a lion to do something when it’s in resting mode can be very difficult and even dangerous,” says lion wrangler Dave Salmoni, host of Animal Planet’s After the Attack. “That’s why we make use of the animal’s active time instead of trying to force it into doing something it doesn’t want to when it’s chilling.”

Apply It to Your Guy
A man in veg-out mode is unlikely to move his rear no matter how much you try to engage him. “You have to gauge when he’s in a productive mood and then pounce to get him to do what you want,” says Riche. If you notice that he prefers working out in the morning, that’s a good time to ask him to help you clean when he’s finished. If you need something done during his downtime and don’t want to wait, bribe him. “Motivate him by making it worth his while,” says Riche. When you feel like you haven’t been able to have a heart-to-heart but he’s in a coma in front of the TV, try plying him with his favorite snack. If his cravings for the food outweigh his interest in the TV, he’ll eventually cave.


BOYFRIEND BUMMER 6: He’s Not Romantic
Take Baby Steps

As Used on Elephants
These mammals can learn a variety of tasks but only on an incremental time line. “A trainer would never expect an animal to learn something without teaching it how to do it,” says Sutherland. For example, if trainers want an elephant to paint as part of a circus act, they’ll first show the animal how to curl its trunk around the brush. Next, they’ll have it dip the brush into the paint. Only then would they show it how to create brush strokes. Animal trainers call this process of using small steps toward learning a new behavior successive approximations.

Apply It to Your Guy
The average guy is plenty romantic, but he’s not hardwired to plan out the little details. So if you can’t remember the last time he put together a sexy night in for you both, you’ll have to show him the way. Start by staging your apartment with cues that get you going, like candles and a sultry soundtrack. Have your favorite chilled wine on hand so you can ask him to open it before dinner. This creates a ritual in his mind. Eventually, not only will he get a sense of what your romantic needs are, but he’ll also start making a game plan of his own.


Quoted: http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/relationship-advice/train-boyfriend

6 Fascinating Facts About Men Today

6 Fascinating Facts About Men Today Recently Cosmo conducted a large-scale survey of guys to help us figure out what males want. The results were then discussed by a panel of distinguished experts at Cosmo's first ever "Man Summit." You don't want to miss what these psychologists, anthropologists, sex therapists, and sociologists revealed...

Men today think they have it harder than previous generations did
"On the one hand, [men] are told to be thoughtful, caring, passionate, connected, fathering types. On the other hand they're still expected to be 'macho'," explained William Pollack, PhD, the founding director and president of the Centers for Men and Young Men at McLean Hospital, in Massachusetts, who cites these conflicting messages as a major stressor for guys. Another reason it's tough for men today? They often can't look to their fathers are examples of what a man should be. Pollack explains that one guy said to him, 'Why bother doing that? My father did. Now he's divorced, my mother won't talk to him, he lives by himself...and he's unhappy."

All that pressure affects their sex life
"The number one issue I deal with is low desire," said Ian Kerner, PhD, sex therapist and author of numerous books, including She Comes First. "Ten years ago, it was always women that were mainly experiencing loss of libido. Today the amount of male patients with low desire outstrips female patients." And according to Kerner, all of them attribute it to internal pressures. "They say, 'I'm under stress, I'm not feeling like myself, I'm having work problems'."

Why they're waiting to settle down
"Physically, they can wait longer to have children later on [because of] medicine," says Wes Moore, who is a youth advocate, army combat veteran, business leader, and author of the best-selling book The Other Wes Moore. But he adds that it has a lot to do with how high women set the bar for someone with husband potential. "If a woman is looking for a man that is educated and has a good job and is chivalrous and prepared to be a husband, the number of guys that you can choose from is dwindling." Basically, Wes is saying that the men who do fit the bill have the upper hand because there's less competition. "If you happen to be a man who's in this category, you can afford to say, 'You know what? Why am I getting married at twenty-five?'"

They're becoming more and more OK with women with bigger paychecks
"Young men are not particularly troubled by the idea that their partners will bring in more money. In fact, they are much more likely to hope to have a partnership where maybe you're bringing in more money this year and he's bringing in more money next year," explained Kathleen Gerson, PhD, professor of sociology at New York University and chair of the Faculty of Arts and Science Gender Equity Committee. Young men are beginning to view it as a "long distance race," she adds, meaning they're more concerned with the big picture, i.e. being able to buy a house together, rather than who contributes how much. "They see that collaboration is better than having a power struggle."

But they can still feel threatened by your success
"Women are the making the decision to be both productive and reproductive," said Lionel Tiger, PhD, professor of anthropology at Rutgers University and author of several books, including The Decline of Males. And according to him, this can be hard on men. "The productive element for the male has been taken out from under him," which can leave a guy feeling not only that he has nothing to contribute, but also that he's not needed at all.

Bromances are good for them...and you
"One thing men have learned from women is that same-gender friendships are very supportive. They're very useful and it leads to a sense of understanding," Pollack shared. He added that bromances can even have a positive effect on a guy's relationship with his girlfriend or wife because they allow men to better process their feelings and feel supported.

Quoted: http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/relationship-advice/surprising-facts-about-men-today?link=emb&dom=yah_life&src=syn&con=blog_cosmo&mag=cos

5 Signs He Thinks You're The One

5 Signs He Thinks You're The One by Cosmopolitan.com, on Thu Jan 6, 2011 6:32am PST

By Gabrielle Frank
Forget asking your boyfriend how he feels about your future together — that conversation just freaks guys out! Instead, learn to read the signals. If you've noticed any of these telling behaviors, it's official — the guy thinks you're wifey material.

1. He wants to spend the holidays with you — wherever that takes him.If he's willing to forgo his childhood traditions and chill at your parents' place — or skip family time altogether and take a trip with you — that means he's been thinking about creating new traditions and memories with you.
Related: 6 Surprising Facts You Don't Know About Men Today

2. He invites you to his best friend's wedding — without being pushed.Watching a close buddy walk down the aisle is a momentous occasion. And he wouldn't want to share that with just any girl, especially since there are bound to be plenty of "So, are you two next?" comments. If your man invited you (and he seems psyched to have you there), chances are he foresees the possibility of you two walking down the aisle in the future.
Related: How To Kiss Like a Pro

3. He drops the phrase "our kids".Not to man-bash, but most guys have a hard time even thinking about starting a family until they meet the right girl. Saying something as seemingly minor as, "We wouldn't let our kids be that rude" means he's not only imagining it, he's expecting it to happen. And the thought doesn't send him running off to his man cave.

Related: Hollywood Women Who Date Players

4. He's cried in front of you.Whether he’s shed tears while watching The Notebook or because his dog died, he feels like he can be vulnerable around you. Taking off his macho nothing-can-hurt-me armor shows that he’s not afraid of being himself. If he doesn't try to hide it or act embarrassed, that could mean he’s envisioning going through a lot of ups and downs with you by his side. And he wants to be sure you’re cool with seeing his not-so-manly moments.

Related: Why Love is Harder in The Winter

5. He's suddenly very responsible about finances.Men tend to feel like they should be in a good place, money-wise before settling down with a woman. (Sure, it sounds old school, but it's true.) So if he seems more concerned with getting that promotion, contributing to his savings account, and opening a 401k, that's a sign he wants to be able to support someone in the near future (ahem, you).
Related: 8 Hairstyles Men Love

Sources: Relationship experts Dan Lier and Mike Lindstrom, authors of Dan & Mike's Guide to Men, and George Weinberg, PhD and author of Why Men Won't Commit.

Quoted: http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/5-signs-he-thinks-youre-the-one-2437245/

Idols

We can quickly identify idols and false gods when they are made in images of gold and jewels and place in temples, but the idols of today that we are slaves of seem to be more difficult to identify and resist. "Take the whole range of gods which men worship-money, power, reputation, all the false gods that men idolize (for though men have abandoned idols in stone and wood they set up idols in the chambers of imagery and bow down to them in the devotedness of their hearts)." But what can these gods do for you in return for your worship and devotion? "You may find a false god to idolize; you may offer him the daily incense of your devotions; but will this god pardon your sins when you are stretched upon a bed of death? Will money do it? Will fashion do it? Will respectability do it? Will the praise of men do it? Will your own legal, pharisaical, self0righteous heart do it? Turn to all these gods and see what they can do for you on a bed of sickness, in the hour of death, in nature's last extremity, against Satan's accusations, a guilty conscience, and the wrath of the Almighty. What can these idols do for you in that hour when flesh and heart fail? All they can do is to abandon you at the last to reap what you have sowed, and leave you in the hands of him who is a consuming fire." God's fire can refine those who desire to be refined to reflect God's character, but to those who reject God and choose sin, this fire will scorch their souls without mercy.

Living Life

Nice Chinese Quote

如果有一天，你要离开我，我不会留你，我知道你有你的理由；如果有一天，你说还爱我，我会告诉你，其实我一直在等你；如果有一天，我们擦肩而过，我会停住脚步，凝视你远去的背影，告诉自己那个人我曾经爱过。或许人一生可以爱很多次，然而总有一个人可以让我们笑得最灿烂，哭得最透彻，想得最深切。