What he really means...
By Jonathan Small
Do you understand “guy-talk?” Can you comprehend all the subtle — and not-so-subtle — nuances of his secret language? If you’re a woman, chances are the answer is: sort of, kind of, er, not really. “Men don’t always say what they mean,” says Scott Haltzman, M.D., a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry and human behavior at Brown University and author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men. “And sometimes we say what we mean but women understand it completely differently.” All in all, that means that cracking the code can be difficult — but not impossible. To give you a head start, we talked to relationship experts and real guys to shed some light on some of a guy’s most common lines — and what in the world he really means by them.
What he says: “We should hang out some time.”
What he means: “I don’t want to flat-out ask you on a date and risk rejection, so first I’m going to gauge your interest.”
Why he says it: “This is the safest way to go,” says Ron Karmel. “If she says ‘yeah’ and gives you her number, you know you’re in, but if she just says ‘yeah’ and does nothing — you know it’s a no-go.” And with the male ego the way it is, this is the preferred way for him to find out. Says Haltzman, “It hurts to be rejected, so asking a woman out this way gives her a chance to pull away without the guy being embarrassingly turned down.”
What he says: “I really like your shoes.”
What he means: “I really like you.”
Why he says it: Granted, he could genuinely like your shoes. But if he says this during the early stages of dating, it also likely means he’s physically attracted to you — but doesn’t want to come right out and say it and seem like a dog. Ty Marciniak claims that this is one of the first things he says when he’s into a girl. “It boosts her confidence, but it also shows her I’m fashionable and sweet,” he says. “She’ll notice that I didn’t come right out and compliment her legs or something.” Which is, of course, what he really was complimenting in the first place. Get it?
What he says: “Maybe we should take some time off from each other — you know, take a break.”
What he means: “Maybe I’m better off keeping my options open.”
Why he says it: Seems harsh, but it’s common: “This kind of statement is driven by the man’s fear of hurting the woman or by wanting to have it both ways — having her without committing,” explains Alon Gratch, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and author of If Men Could Talk. Problem is, women often take “the break” at face value. Trust me, if a guy is crazy about you, he’ll want to spend as much time with you as possible, period.
What he says: “I am listening!”
What he means: “I’m listening, but I really don’t want to get into a long, emotional discussion right now.”
Why he says it: When a guy zones out, women generally interpret that to mean he’s shut her off. More likely he’s just overwhelmed. “Men process verbal information better when it’s direct and to the point,” says Haltzman. Scott Borchert agrees. “When I say this, it usually means I just wish she’d get to the point sooner,” he says. One way around this is to ask him for his advice — guys love to fix problems — or to make sure he’s primed for a marathon talk session. So rather than launching right in, say, “This story’s kind of involved — can you listen now or should we talk later?”
What he says: “You’re just too good for me.”
What he means: “I need out of this relationship.”
Why he says it: “I’ve said that many times, but not once have I meant it,” admits Ron. “What I meant was I needed an out in the relationship, but I wanted to make her feel good about it.” Another popular alternative to this is the, “You deserve someone better than me” line. So why can’t guys just come out and tell you the truth? Unless you’re new to the planet Earth, you may have noticed men aren’t big on having talks — particularly breakup talks. In fact, they’ll say anything to avoid them, such as buttering you up so you don’t chew them out. “Men don’t go to places they’re afraid of,” says Gratch. “We don’t like to go where we might have to open up about feelings.” Did he just say feelings? Blech!
What he says: “I think I’m falling in love with you.”
What he means: “I am this close to saying the L-word, but I can’t bring myself to say it just yet and when I do say it, I want to be sure you’ll say it back.”
Why he says it: Ron calls this an “in-between line” — it’s a warm-up act to “I love you,” and it tests the waters to see if she’s feeling the same way. For women, talking about your emotions and exposing your vulnerabilities is a way to bond with another person, “but men don’t view exposing your vulnerabilities as a positive,” says Haltzman. “They don’t want to appear weak.” That’s why words like “thinking” and “falling” come in very handy — they give him an out. But they also allow him to express something meaningful in a way only he understands. Hopefully, now you will, too.
Jonathan Small is a freelance journalist based in Los Angeles and coauthor of the book Best Places to Kiss in Southern California.
Quoted: http://yahoo.match.com/magazine/article.aspx?articleid=11997
Monday, April 18, 2011
For guys: A guide to girl talk
For guys: A guide to girl talk
By Amy Spencer
If you’ve ever spoken to a woman, it’s fair to say you’ve been confused by one. Yes doesn’t always mean yes, no doesn’t always mean no, and most of us have once in our lives even admitted, “Well, I may have said that, but I didn’t mean it.” What’s with all the mixed messages? “Women communicate by giving subtle suggestions instead of being literal, so we can check for positive reinforcement before we continue. We want to be careful about the impact we have on the other person,” explains Sharyn Wolf, CSW, a psychotherapist in New York City. But while figuring out what women really want can be difficult, it’s not impossible. So follow this guide to “girl-speak.” These are some of the things you might hear a woman say as you meet, date and woo her — and the code for reading between the lines.
What she says: “You’re really sweet, but I have a boyfriend.”
What she means: “You’re really sweet, but I definitely don’t want to date you.”
Why she says it: It’s a classic weekend night scene, somewhere in public. You see her sitting by herself and figure it’s as good a time as any to make a move. And it’s all going so well — she’s smiling, she’s answering your questions — until she drops the bomb that she has a boyfriend. Now, she may be telling the truth. But more likely this “boyfriend” is merely a ploy to get you to back off fast. “I use that line all the time; it really works without hurting a guy’s feelings too much,” says Claire McKimmie. “It shows immediately that there’s nothing more to say.”
What she says: “Why don’t I take your number and I’ll call you?”
What she means: “There’s no way I’m giving you my number, so why don’t I take yours?”
Why she says it: Even in this day and age, most women like to be pursued, so if we really like you, we’ll happily hand over our digits and wait for you to call. Pretty much the only time we’ll ask for your number is — sorry — when we want to keep the ball in our court and, well, never see you again. Other not-so-great responses: “Why don’t you email me instead,” “You can get my number through our mutual friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend Marcy” or “I’m listed.” Trust us, if she likes you, she’ll make it easy for you to call.
What she says: “Oh, sorry, I already have weekend plans.”
What she means: “I don’t necessarily have weekend plans, but you’re calling so last-minute I’d feel like a loser if I admitted I was free and took you up on your offer.”
Why she says it: As much as we all say that The Rules is an outdated tome that brews trouble between the genders, there are still some things we can’t let go of. And one of them is that we don’t want to accept plans with you last-minute, because we don’t want you to think we’re that easy to catch. “If a guy waits until Friday to ask me out on Saturday, I’ll probably say no,” says Claire Arnaud. “He has to work for it. And if he doesn’t have the patience to call back next week, too bad, that’s his loss.”
What she says: “This feels good, but we really shouldn’t.”
What she means: “I want you, bad, but don’t want to get burned.”
Why she says it: The night is winding down, and it’s time to decide whether she should hold ‘em, fold ‘em, or soldier on into the morning light with you. So if your date isn’t telling you a flat-out “No,” “I don’t want to,” or “I don’t like you that way,” chances are she really does like you — and want you — that way. She’d just rather wait a few weeks or months until she knows you’re not a love-’em-and-leave-’em type. “It’s possible she’s been in the position before of becoming intimate with a man and wanting to hear from him and then not hearing from him — and she doesn’t want to make that mistake again,” says Wolf. So if you’re a guy who really does want the relationship to go further (be honest now), it’s worth telling her so to see if she’ll change her mind.
What she says: “So, what have you been up to?”
What she means: “Why haven’t you called me? Are you seeing someone else?”
Why she says it: If we haven’t talked to you in a few weeks and then you suddenly start calling again, all we want to know is, What the heck took you so long? But because we want you to think we’re laid-back “Hey, whatever” women, all we dare squeeze out is a general inquiry. “I don’t want him to know I care,” says Emilie Giroud Capet. Our biggest fear? That you’ve been calling other women instead of us. Whether that’s the case or not, you’re best off filling in your missing weeks with very unromantic things. “I’m hoping he’ll tell me he’s been working really hard,” says Emilie, “or better, that he’s been really sick.”
What she says: “If you want to have a guy’s night, go ahead, fine.”
What she means: “I really, really don’t want you to go. And if you do, I’m going to be upset.”
Why she says it: It seemed innocuous enough; you asked her if she’d mind rescheduling your romantic night in so you could go out with the guys. She’s given you the green light. So what’s the red flag in that statement? The word “fine.” See, when a woman says something is fine, it’s decidedly not. “A woman will say it’s fine for him to go without her because she doesn’t want to get in a fight about it, even though deep down, she doesn’t want him to go without her,” says Wolf. Another phrase women often use to clue you into their displeasure: “If you like.” As in, “Sure, you can go out with the guys tonight, if you like.” That’s a pretty clear sign that while you may like it, she sure won’t. Either way, feel free to play dumb and go out with your buddies — just be ready to accept the consequences when you return.
What she says: “So, tell me about Diane.”
What she means: “Should I be threatened by Diane?”
Why she says it: When a man brings up another female’s name in the midst of a story, a woman’s internal panic button is pressed — she fears that you’re talking about her because you’re secretly attracted to her. So until you make it clear you wouldn’t touch Diane with a ten-foot pole, our insecurities will lead us to assume she’s a wasp-waisted blonde who laughs at your jokes — and you’d love to be her boyfriend. So if Diane is attractive and available, please don’t say, “She’s really cool.” Instead, try, “Diane’s just someone I work with. Wow, she can be annoying sometimes. Some guys at the office are drawn to her but I don’t get it; she’s not all that.”
What she says: “I love the way you smell.”
What she means: “I love you, but I don’t dare tell you I love you before you tell me you love me.”
Why she says it: “I just told the guy I’ve been dating for three weeks that I loved the way he smelled,” says Lili De Monseignat, “but it’s more him that I love than his smell.” Then why hold back? Because women know that telling a guy we love him before he tells us could be too much for him to handle. “It’s too soon to tell him I love him, because he’ll freak out and run away!” says Lili. But if you want to be loved, perk your ears up for the word itself. “I love your dog,” “I love your apartment,” “I love the way you dress,” and “I love that you love Indian food” are all signs that something big is bubbling underneath that little heart of hers. In other words, gentlemen, please be gentle.
Amy Spencer writes for Glamour, Cosmopolitan and Real Simple, among other publications, and currently doles out relationship advice to men every week on SIRIUS Satellite Radio’s Maxim channel.
Wondering about the other side of the story? Read The woman’s guide to guy-speak.
Quoted: http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=12001&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=686129
By Amy Spencer
If you’ve ever spoken to a woman, it’s fair to say you’ve been confused by one. Yes doesn’t always mean yes, no doesn’t always mean no, and most of us have once in our lives even admitted, “Well, I may have said that, but I didn’t mean it.” What’s with all the mixed messages? “Women communicate by giving subtle suggestions instead of being literal, so we can check for positive reinforcement before we continue. We want to be careful about the impact we have on the other person,” explains Sharyn Wolf, CSW, a psychotherapist in New York City. But while figuring out what women really want can be difficult, it’s not impossible. So follow this guide to “girl-speak.” These are some of the things you might hear a woman say as you meet, date and woo her — and the code for reading between the lines.
What she says: “You’re really sweet, but I have a boyfriend.”
What she means: “You’re really sweet, but I definitely don’t want to date you.”
Why she says it: It’s a classic weekend night scene, somewhere in public. You see her sitting by herself and figure it’s as good a time as any to make a move. And it’s all going so well — she’s smiling, she’s answering your questions — until she drops the bomb that she has a boyfriend. Now, she may be telling the truth. But more likely this “boyfriend” is merely a ploy to get you to back off fast. “I use that line all the time; it really works without hurting a guy’s feelings too much,” says Claire McKimmie. “It shows immediately that there’s nothing more to say.”
What she says: “Why don’t I take your number and I’ll call you?”
What she means: “There’s no way I’m giving you my number, so why don’t I take yours?”
Why she says it: Even in this day and age, most women like to be pursued, so if we really like you, we’ll happily hand over our digits and wait for you to call. Pretty much the only time we’ll ask for your number is — sorry — when we want to keep the ball in our court and, well, never see you again. Other not-so-great responses: “Why don’t you email me instead,” “You can get my number through our mutual friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend Marcy” or “I’m listed.” Trust us, if she likes you, she’ll make it easy for you to call.
What she says: “Oh, sorry, I already have weekend plans.”
What she means: “I don’t necessarily have weekend plans, but you’re calling so last-minute I’d feel like a loser if I admitted I was free and took you up on your offer.”
Why she says it: As much as we all say that The Rules is an outdated tome that brews trouble between the genders, there are still some things we can’t let go of. And one of them is that we don’t want to accept plans with you last-minute, because we don’t want you to think we’re that easy to catch. “If a guy waits until Friday to ask me out on Saturday, I’ll probably say no,” says Claire Arnaud. “He has to work for it. And if he doesn’t have the patience to call back next week, too bad, that’s his loss.”
What she says: “This feels good, but we really shouldn’t.”
What she means: “I want you, bad, but don’t want to get burned.”
Why she says it: The night is winding down, and it’s time to decide whether she should hold ‘em, fold ‘em, or soldier on into the morning light with you. So if your date isn’t telling you a flat-out “No,” “I don’t want to,” or “I don’t like you that way,” chances are she really does like you — and want you — that way. She’d just rather wait a few weeks or months until she knows you’re not a love-’em-and-leave-’em type. “It’s possible she’s been in the position before of becoming intimate with a man and wanting to hear from him and then not hearing from him — and she doesn’t want to make that mistake again,” says Wolf. So if you’re a guy who really does want the relationship to go further (be honest now), it’s worth telling her so to see if she’ll change her mind.
What she says: “So, what have you been up to?”
What she means: “Why haven’t you called me? Are you seeing someone else?”
Why she says it: If we haven’t talked to you in a few weeks and then you suddenly start calling again, all we want to know is, What the heck took you so long? But because we want you to think we’re laid-back “Hey, whatever” women, all we dare squeeze out is a general inquiry. “I don’t want him to know I care,” says Emilie Giroud Capet. Our biggest fear? That you’ve been calling other women instead of us. Whether that’s the case or not, you’re best off filling in your missing weeks with very unromantic things. “I’m hoping he’ll tell me he’s been working really hard,” says Emilie, “or better, that he’s been really sick.”
What she says: “If you want to have a guy’s night, go ahead, fine.”
What she means: “I really, really don’t want you to go. And if you do, I’m going to be upset.”
Why she says it: It seemed innocuous enough; you asked her if she’d mind rescheduling your romantic night in so you could go out with the guys. She’s given you the green light. So what’s the red flag in that statement? The word “fine.” See, when a woman says something is fine, it’s decidedly not. “A woman will say it’s fine for him to go without her because she doesn’t want to get in a fight about it, even though deep down, she doesn’t want him to go without her,” says Wolf. Another phrase women often use to clue you into their displeasure: “If you like.” As in, “Sure, you can go out with the guys tonight, if you like.” That’s a pretty clear sign that while you may like it, she sure won’t. Either way, feel free to play dumb and go out with your buddies — just be ready to accept the consequences when you return.
What she says: “So, tell me about Diane.”
What she means: “Should I be threatened by Diane?”
Why she says it: When a man brings up another female’s name in the midst of a story, a woman’s internal panic button is pressed — she fears that you’re talking about her because you’re secretly attracted to her. So until you make it clear you wouldn’t touch Diane with a ten-foot pole, our insecurities will lead us to assume she’s a wasp-waisted blonde who laughs at your jokes — and you’d love to be her boyfriend. So if Diane is attractive and available, please don’t say, “She’s really cool.” Instead, try, “Diane’s just someone I work with. Wow, she can be annoying sometimes. Some guys at the office are drawn to her but I don’t get it; she’s not all that.”
What she says: “I love the way you smell.”
What she means: “I love you, but I don’t dare tell you I love you before you tell me you love me.”
Why she says it: “I just told the guy I’ve been dating for three weeks that I loved the way he smelled,” says Lili De Monseignat, “but it’s more him that I love than his smell.” Then why hold back? Because women know that telling a guy we love him before he tells us could be too much for him to handle. “It’s too soon to tell him I love him, because he’ll freak out and run away!” says Lili. But if you want to be loved, perk your ears up for the word itself. “I love your dog,” “I love your apartment,” “I love the way you dress,” and “I love that you love Indian food” are all signs that something big is bubbling underneath that little heart of hers. In other words, gentlemen, please be gentle.
Amy Spencer writes for Glamour, Cosmopolitan and Real Simple, among other publications, and currently doles out relationship advice to men every week on SIRIUS Satellite Radio’s Maxim channel.
Wondering about the other side of the story? Read The woman’s guide to guy-speak.
Quoted: http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=12001&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=686129
Victory in Defeat
Of all the trials and persecutions that christ endured throughout His life, of all the pain that He saw in the people around Him, few instances are recorded as cutting through the very core of Jesus, so that He breaks down and cries. One such instance is when Jesus' friend, Lazarus, dies. John 11:35 is the shortest verse in all the Bible, but it comes packed with powerful emotion.
"Jesus wept."
Because we know we are going to heaven, we almost brush death off, especially if we have not epxerienced the loss of a loved one.
It is impossible to speak of Victory without speaking of Defeat. Ultimately, we shall experience victory. But that does not mean that we will not be defeated. Ultimately, Lazarus was raised from the dead, but he had to experience death, or defeat, first. Charles Cockroft says, "God not only lets us have Victory but uses the Defeats to accomplish His purposes in our lives."
God never minimizes or pains or sufferings or defeats. We can trust that He knows what is best, and we can trust that the end result will be good, whenever that may be. We are promised hard situations, and those situations may mean defeat. But God has a plan and a purpose for what happens. Consider the Israelites. They chose to disobey God again and again and again. Eventually, God had had enough, so He punished them and they went into exile. But He had an ultimate plan to bring His nation, His chosen people back to Him. You will be defeated. But, continue to trust God in your defeats, and you will see victory, too.
Living Life
"Jesus wept."
Because we know we are going to heaven, we almost brush death off, especially if we have not epxerienced the loss of a loved one.
It is impossible to speak of Victory without speaking of Defeat. Ultimately, we shall experience victory. But that does not mean that we will not be defeated. Ultimately, Lazarus was raised from the dead, but he had to experience death, or defeat, first. Charles Cockroft says, "God not only lets us have Victory but uses the Defeats to accomplish His purposes in our lives."
God never minimizes or pains or sufferings or defeats. We can trust that He knows what is best, and we can trust that the end result will be good, whenever that may be. We are promised hard situations, and those situations may mean defeat. But God has a plan and a purpose for what happens. Consider the Israelites. They chose to disobey God again and again and again. Eventually, God had had enough, so He punished them and they went into exile. But He had an ultimate plan to bring His nation, His chosen people back to Him. You will be defeated. But, continue to trust God in your defeats, and you will see victory, too.
Living Life
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