Personality Test... I am still INFJ

I am still INJF....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BDo0lL_MqYo

Based on the above youtube video

sheep - Obedient and warm
Dog - Loyal and faithful
Snake - Your partner is too emotional and moody and you don't know how to please him/her
Rabbit - A relationship that make you feel warm and always in love
Human - Probably not
Polar Bear- You are afriad of marriage, you think it would take away your freedom
Cat - you are quite self centred. You think
The animal quiz

I am excited to have something and re live my initial love

Here are a few songs that I found that is simple to play on a guitar..... Acoustic I believe. Classical I not sure yet but need to try.

• Jason Mraz – I'm Yours
• Ronan Keating – When You Say Nothing At All
• Jeff Buckley – Hallelujah

Friday 29 April 2016. After I found out the Virtual Keyboard piano and stuff, I set forth to figure out the song that I wanted to play. So other than my first period, 2nd period eat my breakfast then continue to find the song using lyrics find. After I try the virtual keyboard playing, sending her a simple 4 key song that bears her name

After that I wanted to explore more and was trying to recall the song that she hum awhile ago. I was desperate enough to ask her the song however to no avail. Thus though I can figure it out myself, it took alot of effort.... I couldn't even have a time to ask her during lunch as it was a combined lunch with 2 others....so she was interacting with other colleague. Well, not that time is not well spent....but at least i get to be orbiting near her.....yup orbiting near her.....well in such busy, how to find time with her... seeing how she interact and hear how she interact.... really just appreciate the time. From then, I know about the new staff and colleagues. 

As they are not the main topic of this blog, I think it is also essential to understand more colleagues. Well back to the search process.... I didn't get to ask her verbal. Thus I continue the search after finish make up spa examination. I was also so desperate enough to go facebook and post to ask for help (since she is not on facebook)...after a while, lyrics search is not helping. An idea came up that to hum the rhythm. That got me to use keywords search and it yield me to a app....Soundhound...well I was very reluctant to hum the sound....though at times I almost lost the song in my head. Well Thank God after huming into my phone.....woah la....the song pops up ....I found the song I want. The lyrics match. The rhythm matches too.....I thought I could do it on keyboard but the complexity is difficult. Thus I in the end manage to find the chords are quite simple. And a simple strumming pattern as  the above mentioned link. 

From that website I found other songs too... I am really exuberant. Can't wait to practice on a guitar which I have none..... No cell group allows me to find time to listen to all these, after I finished my WOT mission for the day.  It should not take too long for me to master the strumming, though the lyrics will take a while. 

So in concluding or towards concluding, the day is good for me. I find it fulfilling personally though I know I got work to do.... I will need to focus on it later. 

1. Planning a quiz

2. Doing up the data for job scope of CCA

3. Work Attachment followup

4. Research project followup

5. Many books to read

So back to where is my initial love. My initial love and start to play the guitar. A guitar I used to workship God... So how far will  I go. How much will I learn more. What is the journey ahead. It is unknown to me. As I think I am quite blinded yet objective with my sense in-tuned. Today I really feel good. Not sure about her... 

When will it be the time I should start praying. Starting really committing this to the Lord. Where the faith grows, Where the love begins. When God reigns. There are things to consider regardless of the progress. Thus it may potential be another journey to help her to find someone better....And I will just be left to where I am. 

So how many more, how much more..... I not sure.....I ask , she obliged....So this is something I not sure..... Friendzoned? or there are rooms to progression or this is what it should be. Anyway, let nature take its course  and let growth be how it is. It is not a single side but both grow with it

http://www.bustle.com/articles/153328-11-tell-tale-signs-the-person-youre-dating-will-be-a-good-partner

Another article worth looking....well with a pinch of salt.

Great night ahead

Paper exercise

This is another paper exercise. The fingers typing while the mind is thinking and the ear listening. What sort of things  can be typed out? So does this continue with work and the normal routine. Or should it spice it up? Should it be like it is...... I strongly believe a relationship is a journey of ups and stable.....It is not about go to the next peak..... always a ascend... it is also relative...ascending to the next peak in general.

There should be plateau to consolidate. Plateau is not a place where there is no progress or growth. It is a time to consolidate and accustomed to the new height. This is the general direction of things. Of objective and how things will go. However the scenery of life is up to individual to see. The painting that one goes about doing.

So what is the difference between smiling when receiving a message  and just being present there? There is a difference. So I can't help to continue thinking who is the person who send her message that she will smile.... I serious don't know who.... And I really want to find out....How come the person can do it? And why I can't....Is it I shut off the emotional channel to seduction? Well as I download and learn stuff. Here are somethings if time and mood allows

1. Relearn some tabs and Jeff Buckley
2. There is another song that rings in my mind but I am unable remember the lyrics properly
3. Do up a small cross stitch
4. Read some books.
5. I found this interesting Virtual piano that use keyboard.... Trying it out now at this timing....omg.....

Sigh sigh sigh.....

A unsettled Thursday

Today is an unsettled Thursday. A unsettling Thursday as it took me a while just to settle into work. And also that I had to spent the whole morning just to find a stack of certificate that is enclosed in an envelope. I suspect things are not as it is or I am just thinking too much with too little hands on things to do.

The question now I have to ask myself is, how come this thing is bothering me? What is the actual thing that is bothering me? Isn't a smile on her face the more important thing? Doesn't it matter where the source of the joy is, that she is happy and joyful about it? Reducing the chance of burn out, reducing the chance of other things happening?

I guess it is the hormones and some unwise choice made. Look like I need to do another clear up of behaviour to avoid such silly outcome. Selfish desires should not be entertained as they only lead to selfish outcome.

Am I bothered by it? Or what is the seed thought that is growing in me? Is that I feel she will be happier with someone else and I am just someone who is just latching on cause I have asked/requested to. Or perhaps it should be redefined as work only with no personal interest in it. Patience patience patience. Patience it should be, a virtue to be kept. Wisdom is what I need to manage the surge (self-caused) and not cause too much ripple effect to this delicate situation. I wonder how many more days can I endure and continue in this journey. But more there will be. More that I should continue to endure to push forth towards a new horizon, or unknown outcome and unknown. A settling thought or an anchorage is required as always. Especially when dealing with the unknown unexplored areas of life. Perhaps the upcoming Momentum 2016Equipping Christians to think biblically, live wisely, act boldly  upcoming  will along me to experience and have new revelation and revolution of thoughts.

I just saw this as I was typing the blog:
"A beautiful woman doesn't flirt, she simply smiles............."

"Man aren't shaped by their victories but by their defeats."

To whatever that may comes, I will just get myself prepared.....singlehood, partnership......which is comes, I just take faith that God is always around. In His grace and faithfulness, may it be just a life that make a difference to the people around...to this life that you place, I should make a difference.

A few agenda that is to do, by your grace may it be fulfil before more is added.

1. Smoky not longer physically smoke or find alternatives
2. 12 Stages of Physical Intimacy - To know self and to know what is what - Check below
3. If time allows, to play And Then We Held Hands Board Game which is a 2 player co-operative emotional game.

It is a journey that I walk along. An emotional journey that walked along in a road to a unknown place. To a place that I know the end point. It is just the journey there....how can it be...will it be valleys or fields or flowers and butterflies to see around.

As I think, I suspect it is testosterone is the main thing that is causing the unsettling thoughts....of course personal choice of action also plays a part then.....sigh..... but I thank God for this to blog it out....and let it out of my mind and chest....always as a reflective typing, a new perspective so that the journey and walk can continue....till when God decide then.

Quoted from: https://writersinthestorm.wordpress.com/2012/03/07/using-the-12-stages-of-physical-intimacy-to-build-tension/
and http://terryodell.blogspot.sg/2010/03/12-steps-to-intimacy.html

The 12 Stages of Physical Intimacy

1. Eye to body – this is the first “summing up” glance where one character notices the height, weight, dress code of another and registers an “overall impression.” A man will never approach a woman without this step and it’s important to get that first glimpse onto the page.

This step is why “the heroine studying herself in the mirror” is considered such a rookie writing mistake. We want to be in one character’s head when they see their fellow main character. Even if the glance is between two friends or business associates, this is the first step in building the emotional intimacy between them.

2. Eye to eye – the first step of active interaction between characters. There is a lot of tension to be found in eye contact and writers need to take a moment to get it on the page. Whether it’s a menacing stare or a long glance, you need to bring it to your reader. Remember, the point of view character needs to always be the person in the scene with the most to lose. When you bring up eye contact, make sure you’re in that vulnerable character’s head.

3. Voice to voice – once the two characters have met, they must speak. Who speaks first is important, as is what they say. What if one character touches the other before they speak? Whoa! Serious tension. It’s your story, so I’ll let you figure this out but think about how to get the most mileage from your scenes as you move through this chart.

4. Hand to hand (or arm) – “Mom, he’s touching me!” Don’t you remember how invasive you found the slightest look or touch from your siblings during a fight? My brother standing at the door of my room staring, or putting a fingertip over “the line” and touching me were a big deal when we were at war. It wasn’t about the touch, it was about crossing my boundary. Remember this when you write and be purposeful in your touching. Push boundaries when it helps your story.

5. Arm to shoulder – Ah…it’s the old yawn and drop the arm around the girl move. Why is this a Classic? It’s because this is serious intimacy. Up close and able to kiss or smell. This is a gateway move to more intimacy.

I HATE it when someone I don’t know well puts their arm around me. Why? Because it’s intimate and invasive. But if I know them or feel close to them, it’s loving and welcome. It’s all about boundaries. How wide are your character’s boundaries? Why? How quickly does your character relax those boundaries? Again, why? These are important questions for you to answer.

6. Arm to waist, or back – Oooh…the hand on the small of the back to guide a woman through the room. *sigh* It melts me every time my guy does this.

Why is this so romantic? Because a warm hand against the small of the back sends the message to the woman and the rest of the room that this man is allowed to touch her, right above her bottom. There is physical comfort between these two people and they are engaging in non-verbal behavior that’s nearly always sexual. Yummy.

7. Mouth to mouth – Have you ever wondered why a kiss is so intimate? You’ve skipped though half the intimacy chart with this one move. Depending on how the kiss progresses, several more intimacy levels may be skipped. WOOT!

Why do so many romance authors spend time and tension on the kiss, breaking it off or prolonging it? Because it works! Seriously, kissing creates tension in the pages of your novel, if you do it right, and keeps your readers fanning themselves and turning your pages to see when your characters are going to do it again.

8. Hand to head – Perhaps your first kiss back at Step 7 was a lip-lock, possibly including some stroking of the back. Sexy and intimate, but not a “skip-a-level” moment. What about when a man holds a woman’s face or vice-versa? What about when the yanking of hair ensues? It’s hot, hot, HOT because it’s extraordinarily intimate to touch a person’s head or face.

Use this in your books. The back of a fingertip along someone’s cheek and down their neck…is it good, as in hero and heroine? Or evil, as in villain, heroine? You are the creator of your world, be it loving or creepy.

9. Hand to body – As Terry says in her post, this step moves the couple into the beginnings of foreplay. This is a key place to break your couple apart, have deep emotional issues surface or just to collide your internal and external conflict. You haven’t reached the “point of no return” yet, so break the intimacy up a bit. Throw your characters up a tree and shoot at them…it’s a nice gift for your readers.

10. Mouth to breast – My baby sister is going to laugh when she reads this. I always told her, “No matter what, keep your shirt on until you’re really sure you want to sleep with a guy.”

A woman can still turn back at this point, as can a man, but there’s likely to be some stomped feelings on both sides if she does. That’s not why I told her to stay clothed. Most women excrete the bonding hormone oxytocin, the “love hormone,” when they have skin to skin contact. Why bond with some schmuck if it could have been avoided by just keeping your shirt on?

11. Hand to genitals – OK, we’re pretty much at the point of no return at this stage. If somebody changes their mind, labels like “tease” are likely to be assigned and major conflict will ensue. I love the idea of having the external conflict be the coitus interruptus. There’s some major mileage to be gained from messing with your characters in these final stages.

12. Genitals to genitals – He shoots, he scores! You’re at the sex act and your characters will commit violence if you interrupt now.

It’s nice to decide in advance what you want from The Big Sexy. You’ve made your readers pant for this step throughout the journey, dragging them through ALL the other stages to get here. It is up to you whether this is the payoff, as it is in many romance novels, or if it’s just a step to something else in your story.

The entire point to this chart is to get the most from your characters’ intimacy. Being deliberate in your steps will pay off big in your stories.

Have you heard Linda Howard give this talk? Were you familiar with this Intimacy Chart? How do you see this changing your writing process? What is your favorite step in terms of breaking down barriers between your characters?

What a conversation

Me: Ganbatte on your marking......remember to eat your lunch....and if you appreciate lunch kaki then let me know... :)
Smoky: Sure. but I won't be eating till later during meeting.
Me:yup....  15 minutes cathay sales personal will arrive...you got a moment to touch base
Smoky: What time are you sticking around in school till?
Me: until late or i am thinking of going to sixth avenue to try the Master Tang Wanton Mee, Kopitown Sixth Avenue, 10E, Sixth Avenue, 8am to 4pm, closed on Thursdays
Me: my work is mobile....so I can leave school anytime after 1330....after that lesson....I heard today no spd unless you received the notification
Smoky: I'm staying in school till about 5:30pm. Maybe we talk later on phone?
Smoky: After my meeting.
Smoky: What is it regarding? Tomorrow too late to talk?
Me: It not too late to talk.  Just depends on the things to be talked about. And do I need to prepare anything beforehand. If you want face to face I can stay
Smoky: No need. Tomorrow then?
Smoky: what is it regarding? CCA/performance?
Me: Settled with you face to face. Next time when M from Cathay photo, comes will let you know again

It is her show as she is the setter. Well it is a busy day for her....so I just message her instead.. say a hi....a more routine daily thing. It is also a relaxing day for me. I was working on the event data and the number of manhours. Then looking around and reading articles here and there....keeping myself relaxed. Only till about noon when the shipment is in the above conversation took place. Talk...I was like thinking at this busy time, what have I message that she wants to talk about. In my mind is what is it important that needs to talk about. It is just touch base only. It almost gave me a scare like is there something soooooo serious that need to talk about..?? or did she realise that I already cut the emotional linkage of my heart and let my mind be in control instead. No longer my emotion or desire drive it now. I wonder will this stop all the twitching of my forehead when I am really excited with her around. I wonder what kind of sign is that. Well, the only way to find out is to observe in the future then. Anyway, I am getting the sensing that she really like her new date and somehow I am begin to believe it by the days.....well patience it is.....in the end working colleague, close working colleague. I guess I am just reluctant. However with the lost of desire and things, perhaps there is just a working relationship left. A routine without any emotion. Doing it because it has become a routine. Doing it without thinking or feeling about it.

I remember that there are always up and downs, times of neutral emotion. Well, this is a peak period for both of us. A period where she is busy and I am also busy too. I am think I may have already made a decision somehow without thinking about it. But wanting to control the uncontrollable emotion, twitches, I some how cut off the feed of emotions that links with the pursue. With the chase. So this is the feeling about chasing a girl that you like to be with.  Or I like to spend time with. Perhaps this is a cool off period. No one know... Only God know. Let God decide then...anyway...as June come closer, it is a preparation to get closer to God. I wonder what have God prepared for me. I wonder how much have I missed God for? And the amount of things I give thanks to Him. One thing for sure I like to give thanks to Him....for letting me go through this journey with Ms Smoky. So regardless the outcome, give thanks to God. For she will be in good hands. she smiles and is happy with someone who is in the chat. So am I jealous of it. or envious of it? well to some extent yes and to some extent I am glad she can find someone whom she can smile upon know the person message her. How can I be in the way? All the thing about giving attention, or does that attention matters to me. Perhaps this is what some call the friend zone. well at least she is a friend. In my heart, I do am aware there are that are accepted and there will be there how do I go about with the accepted facts about her. Smoky smoky her.

Well let this period of time past....after MYE then....perhaps things will return to normal, that depends on what is normal. So what is the journey to be continued? It is unknown. Should I find out who is the person? Or does it matters? Well let it be bah.....  Perhaps reading more with practice it will come about. Let it progress as it is then....

A simple start of a Monday a simple lunch but complicated minds

A simple chat, how's your weekend. A simple answer. Has it become routine? Well there are no enough data to support. Does it matters? Well when i see that she smiles upon looking at a message, it makes me ponder; her choice of lunch partner or whatever it could be. Does it matter so long she is happy? So long she get to relax and be herself.

Remember the grand objective.
1. She is well fed
2. She is well timed with work
3. She is wellness with life.

So even with this, may I asking too much of myself? May I expecting more? Or just that perhaps I should just focus on my work. Today is the one day my shoulders are relax. I no longer feel the tension on my shoulder finally. Today is also the day that I no longer feel the thrilled for seeing her. It will bounds down to liked working colleague. Or perhaps she does have someone else to have lunch with.

Am i just being too demanding? Perhaps I am. I thought but controlling my desire will lead to what it is today. I thank God for it.It also provides a stability thought stability means I will be thinking more. The control of thoughts, the analysis of emotions,

Anyway, I will record here as I am committed with the 3 main objective. Now it is no longer how I feel that determines, if I really want to support, really want to bless her, to see her able to find someone who she can be with for the rest of her life.

Lord, is this way you prepared for me. for a sin? or a scene? or it is just a journey that because I went through and it is not completed, thus i feel comply/moved? to fulfill something that I have missed out years ago.... an unfinished business.This is the busy period. This is His time, this is the time of trial. Or high stress level with time sensitive task to complete. Will I look forward to the end of the term 2. To the end of the semester? I am not sure... I definitely is less enthu as before. Will I ask or I just let it be bah? Let me go through these 2 weeks...13 May is the day with a couple of items
APYRC, NGEC, NCAC,? ICSQ, Scanning.... I slowly get all these done first before others.

1. Passion first
Then the rest. Work comes first. ok Work comes first. This year is a year of a new beginning.

The question is not to be asked now as it is not clear and non conclusive. There are factors for and against. So let God decide ok......this is a journey for me SEA]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

Enjoy while it last. Give with love. Fulfill what is owed.... the debts to be payed......owed to self accumulated to self. What is the lesson and journey You have installed for me?To God be your glorious.

i thank God after that week, I no longer have the urge to physical touch her (PT is lowest in my love language).....this shows that things can be control by sheer will power.

I am glad that Yokie is there always for me....

How to continue the smoky journey?

Really how to continue the journey. It is a journey that is so close. So constant and happening. Well it is a journey that is of unexpected turns. How to journal this down. The little lunch arrangement, the nice yogurt gathering, the coke. Well this is going to be a short one though. With little time to think and reflect for the 32 more days to go before the end of term 2.

I don't really can think much with the amount of work needs to be done. How Things will continue. It will simplify with the following

1. She is fed with food
2. She is finished with work
3. She is glad with life

I think these few lines will be simple.

So I in prayer hope there aren't many inconsistency that will arise. There aren't many unneeded ups and downs that cause a need to do deep reflection. May the Lord be the wisdom and the guidance to all. Let it love flowing out. Your love that is hidden. A hope and the faith of God that God is faithful. God is all-knowing. For He embrace.

Let not her smile leave her. Let her not be weary. For God may Your presence dwell with her. Along with her, to give her strength; to give her desire to follow You lead. Not needing to rely on what is of the world but knowing that You are the who is needed.

My First 3 positive things of the week? day? Starting with a good friend (Number 13)

1. Despite trying a new routine, and trying to pin down my emotion, I was still able to have lunch with smoky on tuesday. A quick 2pm lunch, ginger beer with coke zero.  Then she go for her marking while I go for my icas.
2. Finally gave away the Häagen-Dazs anniversary bear to the bear girl..... travelled all the way to simei to give her.....she is really tall with heels. settle the bear and a free high tea with cendol
3. The timely story reminder of God's love story. I already clear my inconsistency: making sure Smoky take her lunch and my need to keep my emotion in check. Between these 2, I chose Smoky's lunch is more important than my need to stay in control. Thus I step out in faith and pray in relying on God that He will give me wisdom and peace to handle difficult situation

Story: Quoted

Open Letters That Matter

April 19 at 4:42pm · 

I was having a conversation with a girl in class one day when she casually asked me, "Why aren't you in a relationship?".

I thought about it for a second, and then simply said, "Honestly, I just don't want one." She looked very confused, and I could tell by her expression and long pause that she didn't really understand my answer and wasn't quite sure what to say. She simply responded, "Why?"

Class began right after that so I didn't get a chance to answer, though I'm not even sure what I would've said in that moment. However, I couldn't stop thinking about the question.

"Why?"
As if something was wrong with me because in this moment in my life I am choosing to be alone.

I was slightly offended because honestly, I've never been happier than I am right now. But as I replayed the conversation over and over, I began to understand why my response may have been equally as puzzling to her. We come from a generation that thrives on Instagram relationship goals and casual hook-ups. Everyone is so focused on finding the one that they will settle for just someone. And for a long time, I was this way, too. After a three-year relationship and a few flings that were doomed from the start, I made a drastic change and decided to start dating someone new. Myself.

And let me tell you, she's great. *flips hair*

She taught me that it's okay to be selfish. Because when will I ever be at the age again when it's okay for me to pack up and move 400 miles away? There will come a day when I will have a spouse and a family who will depend on me, but for now, it is vital that I'm making decisions based on no one but myself. I, for once, can do whatever I want.

She taught me that I don't need another half. The problem with everyone searching for their other half is that in doing so they are in turn claiming that they're only half a person. I don't want another half; I want another whole.

She taught me not to settle. I spent a long time finding my identity in other people. Who liked me, what they thought of me, etc. The problem with this, if you haven't figured it out already, is that people will disappoint you. If you are deeply rooted in who you are and who God has created you to be, then you should know what you deserve. Do not let people convince you that you are too picky, because you are the one who will be living with the consequences of a settled relationship if you do.

She taught me how to be genuinely happy and to make sure that that happiness stemmed from no one but myself and the blessings that I have been given. Having someone to add to your happiness is beautiful, but you do not need to look for someone to provide it. Because how do you expect to ever be happy with someone else if you can't even be happy with yourself?

She taught me that it's okay to laugh at my own jokes and sometimes eat ice cream for dinner. To sit and watch sunsets alone and sing to myself in the car. I'm 23 years old and will never be younger than I am in this moment. My life does not begin when I find someone who loves me, it began when I started loving myself.

I know that God has already written me a beautiful love story and will one day send me someone who will encompass all the things I've dreamed about having in a man. But as for right now, I'm way too busy falling in love with myself to even consider falling in love with you.

By: Kalli King
Artwork by: Elizabeth Parker

I was asked are you feeling okay today?

After a yang ming jiu night, i woke up early with a good rest. Though my body is refreshed despite waking up at 0530. Somehow my emotion and facial seems to be sealed up. I wasn't really smiling as i feel troubled, drained or just don't know how to react from last night.... something that I thought may not be as intense....but somehow it is sooooo loud that I have to quench it mentally.....it is driving me crazy.

After the concert, as she decided to take cab. Back to bishan....well I thought I could hitch a ride. after a brief conversation though as i look back, I do think i sense that no hitching a ride back to bishan, A few things that accumulate or I believe contributed it;
1. failing to trust my instinct to get her something to eat
2. dis-chance for having dinner together.
3. the inner axiety or of wannting

I was trying to finish up my work which thank God I did... the reading pack after being vetted. I ate lunch with kenneth they all.....1200 noon as 1245 got relief. .. It was after contact time that as I was going to my form class to get something that she asked me.... I was tardy and dumbfound.... I didn't know how to answer at that time.... with my laptop in my hands, she recognise that I need to do my things. Later on, I whatsapp her saying thank you for asking. And later on i with the following chat:

[14:01, 22/4/2016] did I really look that "bad" today?  I guess it is the aftermath effect of working late and self discovery of some inconsistency and am sorting out with myself.... to prevent myself from shooting someone else
[14:07, 22/4/2016]jia you on your marking ok
[14:13, 22/4/2016]  u just seemed out of it is all.

I am touched that she asked....though my good friend say she is concern about me..... I think I am not ready to hear that.... escalating the emo state in my heart.

This is week 5 ....5 more weeks till end of  term 2.  I serious do not know how things are developing, but one thing I know..... I am already committed.... now it is my time to withdraw back.....It takes 2 to clap

Here are some question that  I have in mind: for her:
1. How are you with your date? despite this busy period
2.What are your plans for your holidays
3. Remember to have sufficient time to finish up the essay

Other in mind for her
1. Physical intimacy level system
2. Dog interesting facts
3. Dog owner hypothesis
4. Hand social experiment
5.  2 player emotion game (high risk)

Well the important question for myself is.... how long do I want to keep it this way? God can you help me stablise the situation or at least give my guidance and on how to handle this current matters..... For You are God and the God of love. God of faithfulness. The only question I have for God: What do you have installed for me this time round after I open up such a floodgate? Does age matters? Does faith matters? How how how.....what it is your are preparing me for?

I only stick the 3 objective which I only remember 2, and just jia you on your marking for the time being.

I seriously think I Should just Marry My Job. Then No need to Tend Smoky Girl

I S T I S J M M J T. N N T T O S G O S W E T.

I
Seriously
Think
I 
Should
Marry
My 
Job 
then
No
Need
To
T
O
Smoky
Girl
Or
S
W
E
T
After typing this, I have a memory lapse and can't remembered what i type is despair......I think it is beyond despair. How come am I feel this way...... I think I really cross it too much already..... well I just choose to notice and sense that she wanted to be alone. I think as I blog, I should continue to fast then.....no lunch initiation then.... I need to re-box up my emotion...... I  think like someone advice, I may get hurt...I should think before. 

I Pray to God that You will assist me in how I feel. In the ways of the Lord, of your love and your wisdom and faithfulness. A prayer really helps. I wonder how long can I last.....another 6 weeks more to long break...of being alone and no need to think about anyone....solitary life. 

To God I commit myself, help me Lord.... how could I be feeling that way? It should not be....it happen

Just a few blog....and perhaps I just talk to my bear or blog here all. I will not ask the critical question to myself as I don't wish to answer now....I am tired I so I should sleep soon

I wonde what sort of recollection of dreams will I have tonight. It is just the spurse of the moment ba...everything should be on.... Amen! A good inefficieny day with a prospect of having dinner with Somky Girl.....and she didn't get to eat with her....There is always another time.... Do you feel that you are asked for 2.....emotion rollercoaster ride again...... I am tired....sleep then... for me....life still as what it is...God hands. I commit in writing that if she can find someone better for her, in her own opinion, ler her ....for God cans take cao== I actually feel better after tired spell nd devouring the left over.

2nd day and it is something different

Well today is the second day of the confinement.... this lot of things that come at the same time......boy headache need to go home early. My other colleague not around.  Need to setup recording. Doing 1 lesson consultation. Then lesson record with some issue.

So as I was talking to another colleague about the video recording and how to manage expectation and product outcome, she stood there while Aldrin and I was talking about the recording. So as she walked away that it is known that she  asking about the recruitment for next year. I added more of my opinion to it....

Well after that, as it was close to lunch time, did I ask her or just through the conversation, the knowledge is she hasn't eat lunch, neither have i eaten lunch. I need to be back by a certain time. Well then we just walked to get our lunch..... I already decide to eat western today....wanted to eat something to boast my morale abit....Afredo sauce pasta...her is bolognese beef pasta with salad....corny salad. Which initially she didn't want but I told her you can give me...and she included.... also I brought the ginger beer and coke zero...which initially she told me she didn't want the coke zero as she don't drink... I replied...as she apologies...it is ok which means I get to drink both since the ginger beer is not as tas as she wanted.

In the end, as I collect the canned drinks from the fridge, and a little communication as she can't finish the ginger beer which I told her I don't mind....and then clarify that I don't mind finishing up all the left over ginger beer....we ate and talk about tomorrow concert tech duty, which at this moment after hearing the morning incident. I told her up to her to decide; I only highlight the situation. And also what happened yesterday briefly. Well she has her marking to do and can see that is taking a toll on her.... well though as I think back, I may have empathy with her....but well, the situation is what it is....it will up to her to decide how things are then....no matter how much french is being used.

So today is as it is today..... I only can say thank God for everything....for His mercy endures.

Kid early kid ok.... Thank God for all

Today begins a new beginning

Today is a new beginning. A new begin to fast of control. Abstaining from something is not depriving one from the goods of it; it is retreat from it from being desensitize from it; is to have delayed gratification; knowing that to allow it to grow, to prosper and to bloom.

Just not asking smoky for lunch. It seems not easy as it seems; especially when it has become a routine for me. Not a very often routine but one that I look forward. Thus with the start of today, it does not feels normal, only after I finished my lunch when the thoughts comes in... Why if she come look for me... Today I saw her twice and we had a short interact twice... Shorty but better than none. 

A hi along the way. Second is walk along the corridor bottom to top story wave and a simple question, where is the room of H.  Even till now I can remember and "savor" over it. I only conclude thank God. You are the all knowing God. 

The 3 mission objective: make sure she is well fed. Make sure she is work efficient. Make sure that  she is well loved by God: she finds a place of acceptance and love. I can't remember the third thing. 

I am aware she wish to keep a low key status for now. Which will need to figure out; which also mean on my side I need to adjust and think otherwise. 

In simple conclusion, God you are gracious and all loving. For you will prepare the way and lead me not astray; you will comfort me with thy staff and presence; Holy Spirit, counsellor. 

Indeed I am grateful and give thanks. May tomorrow be another day of your grace. Be the to God

Today / tomorrow be a new start

Let today, 18/19 April be the start of a 5 days fast. To God I ask and pray that you will go e me strength to resist the urge or temptation to ask ms smoky for lunch. In other words, I should not be initiating lunch appointment. However she can initiate and depends on schedule and work, I can accept.

This I pray that this will give me a better sense of emotional control and also to be at a more sober state.

I don't know what will be the outcome but let this small step of faith be one step towards a faith journey to you God.

So what is the rationale? Why Ms SMOKY?

After I succeed or fail the 5 days, till then I will know. To God I commit myself.

My First 3 positive things of the week? day? Starting with a good friend (Number 12)

1. Day of Recollection:  A time of being quiet and silence.....reconnect and hearing the inner self.... it is just reinforcing things that I am doing but am reluctant and hesitate. Then also help me shoot a colleague for the most direct
2. Ms Smoky actually asked me for breakfast on Tuesday 12 April 2016 though I had to delay as I was trying to rush my work. I am glad she asked. Also for letting me know there is free food in the canteen...IFD.... so I went there, took some up.... including miso soup up for her.
3.Went out on monday with Ms Smoky for lunch after an early release from House meeting. Her slipper broke half way.... so thank God finally managed to get some tape for her after a visit to a 2nd store. Then accompany her, helping her as she finds a simple suitable slipper to buy.... Then had a quick simple lunch with her..... then went back to school. then she went for her meeting, i went back to do my work.

I appreciate the time together..... about 40 days to 27 May 2016....till the end of term 2...... a while more to endure....a while for to continue....

I think i am really losing it in term of vocal and social composition

I really things the stress is getting into me... sipping like cancer and opening up channels that I am not use to. Well in simple fact after the morning Day of Recollection  Focusing on Authentic Listening, it really release  all the checkpoints. 

With the notes in school, after a unfiltered communication, well, i am tired. I am just plain tired..... drained and contemplating that .... perhaps I should just reduce my communication and focus on my work for the time being. 

1. Reading programme
2. Inter Class Science Quiz
3.  Collating data for oculus

I think I should start fasting or dieting of  to maintain control of my emotion...something i am already aware but just didn't know it will deteriorate so much so soon.... I dont know what is the next step to best adopt....I just need to survive....survive till end of term 2 bah...

4. Sending emails to parents..
5. Preparing for competition

Reducing dating..... reduce the time i think of people maybe....all the usual things i think i can reduce the emotional fluctuation..... or should i face it then....even I don't really know..then... 

Blogging off to distract and to remember

To distract and to remember.... today is a day. Just a friday. Even I don't get to eat with Ms Smoky, Cool with it....as I get to really go back to a better social life. Manage to talk to my initial lunch kakis. Being hearing and involved in too many things.. This is the 3rd day...or 2nd day that I am blogging about the journey or just a work experience with Ms Smoky.  I know that I had already ran some simulation in my mind before this . But most of them I totally forgot about them..... Dream or not dream.....not longer I have the faith for that.

Anyway.....as usual I ask her.....after she had meetings after meeting. And she realise that she is not open to suggestion....haha...what a way...My immediate reply to her....ya you are not open to suggestion...haha....what a way....

So I was glad she was direct and I was just glad to hear she ask and the communication. Asking about my afternoon which I intend to mark my work...perhaps suggesting that I don't mind going somewhere to mark...dropping hint am I? Well I did message and leave it to her to decide....or was that a suggestion...well in the end she chose to stay at home to mark instead.....an answer is better than none..... have I really cross the boundary....or committed emotionally already? A question that I now I doubt i can answer anymore. A question i being asking around....how do one know one is emotionally attached to someone.

This week is a week that ups and downs..... what will be the 3 things i am positive or give thanks.....really I not sure how to word it now....all will be the same theme??

Anyway, a few things i enjoy with her.

Her company, I really just like to look at her now.... omg...omg ...omg...it is just comfortable and being at ease with her around...... also working with her.... for the better of the students and for the club....she wants to be low key and I told her it is difficult with me around......but well I did told her to give me some time to think through it.... And really how to? Only God can give wisdom and let things be.....to hide behind ION ..... it is quite difficult with her calibre...

Some how my body is just reacting weirdly and I am fully aware.....just trying to reduce it.....And I think they are quite visible....Twitching of my forehead for a few weeks already.

Soon I need to figure out where is/was the point of commitment or the starting point.

How come I don't remember the start of this....where it is.... I feel it is really going beyond me...beyond the usual me.....just a motivated focus person. slightly more focused... i think... So how to move on from here.....I know Encounter God. I know 40 days fast.

To distract and to remember.....two opposing forces to begin distract already indicate the sign of remember something...with me....it just increase the roots of the memory.

Does it bound down to like or love or ? I don't really think that is a question to be answered....it is a matter of action that speaks more now....sigh sigh sigh...OMG OMG OMG......please have more self discipline and control.....don't play with other people's feeling......but be a blessing be a blessing purely a blessing....and that may be already outdated and over-stepping already.....

I thank God that the PT urge is not there any more...some difference helps to reduce the urge.....Change state may means morphing into a different person?  This is week 4....6 more weeks and how things are different from then.....May Lord lead and see how He flows.... In faith to grow, with faith seeds that sprouts love of God in heaven.

A quickie before i rest.... about Miss Smoky

It is about Miss Smoky.....  another incident today at work.

So after conversation yesterday and know that she is the best person in the team to do the job. So this morning I can't help but need to let her know about this.  Even as I blogged, I wonder why do I want to blog this down.... what is the rationale behind this.... well it is a pleasurable to remember all these and to know how personally I feel about....anyway, in the morning as I wait and told her that...bit by bit....she started to react upon the tight timeline that is given....and so much things that need to be done.... i really like....OMG.... did I just didn't prepare enough or shoot it too fast? I felt really bad....and then I start to consolidate the things on chat....Thank God that it open the way for her to mentioned her work schedule and commitment. And also reveal certain things that was communicated. Thus also the 2ICs are also brief about it today too.....

Well after the down turn....I really feel quite bad and almost decided that I should just retreat to my cave for the week and let it be bah.....since i am the Trouble-maker... So how, I still stupidly ask whether she lunching when she is having lesson.  How dumb can I be.....sigh

But well, she was honest to me saying perhaps it is the time of the month for her..... she is kind and I am appreciative of that.... in the end, the work issue is clarified....with more to come.... With need to sit down with 2IC.... speak to the heads..... which took me a while to understand.....

I am grateful though at times confused and uncertain....not in control and not being aware and assure of how and what i am thinking and feeling.... I not being praying as much as before....and my spiritual discipline is less.... though the situation is pushing me to really faithfully rely on God.

As I wonder now, what if I would get the F1 formula race? a pair of it......will I ask her to go along? Or even best, will i tell her that she can go with her more like date? those I am for towards the second choice, how will i react? well it is going to be months before i even be at the start of it..  It is just a thought....also Tree top walk .....a nice activity...inspired by Kyla leisure activity.... walking to enjoy the flowers at the side.

I know as June draw closer, I know I will I need a clear direction...a clear vision and understanding....how long can i be like this.... not too long I know.... some things need to move on....and some action need to take place. The question now is, how do I treat her as? Is there words to describe the stage?

For this, I may say, if she find someone whom she prefer, and she tells me, I will say,
Julia Roberts — 'You know it's love when all you want is that person to be happy, even if you're not part of their happiness.'

A hard truth but it is something I am prepared to.....there are quite a few factors which perhaps I will blog another time.

Journey reflection of mine with Miss Smoky

Key points to be filled:

How it actually started?
Last year? BT? new staff?

Where are the trigger points?
she came into ION? She smokes? working on ITQ? Easy to chat with? being notti with her? She encounter with her RO? Guiding her who to look for? Her 100k watt smile? She systematic colour scheme and she being comfortable with me. Sharing yogurt time and common food. She dominating and just take my share... her intuition and witty? Or somehow my emotion leaks out?

Having lunch at Nandos after her breathy = 20 Feb? CNY reunion lunch for the elderly
Working very closely: she told me she like working with me and i responded the same to her.
Drank with her. once for celebration. then shared with her about love language and DISC and stuff. She is DS or IS....girls that i like to interact with. Empathize with her about wearing dress and wearing maximizer bra. She brushed me off as buzzed with booze though i think i was quite sober and know what I am asking. Her love language is QT and high on PT. We shared quite personal things and she tease me on what she wear internal though i rarely follow up on it....though usually i tell her it is always a single colour. I even tease her she has good body hair management.

I told her i accepted her as who she is, despite telling her i dislike smokers. She questioned me and asked me the difference between tolerance and acceptance. I kept the stand of accepting her.

I really feel like a real man.....someone empowered by her presence and seeking her presence, i strife to work harder. Recently i know as i discussed with my good friend about her, somehow there is that joy unexplain joy. I could hold eye contact with her quite long. I really like to orbit around her. Though she does not really orbit around me. She told me she is dating someone else which at this moment I don't mind. Though I already prepared what is the next phase to move to. A quote is prepared. I just want to fully maximize the time with her until she official change status. Or perhaps it is she is so similar to girls that I am interested but didn't get a chance to interact that she benefits it all?

A leaked word of wanting to spend more time with her? In the time of emo? or just plain gutsy? or due to the uplift of guts after JB trip?

As of 13 April, after ICTLT 30-31 March, after that moment of emo,  and with her needing more time to marked....and she mention to me that i appreciate the lunch because she is more busy.... i really appreciate that part. Coz means i can have lesser time with her. Which means good for me.... I can just focus on my work...getting work done...and she get her work done....getting her ground and stuff... The friday before 13 April, we spent a morning just lazing around for breakfast over at the P canteen.... it was a chillaxing.... and as i recount backwards, once of the quick lunch outside, she was telling me that dating is tiring...and her followup statement is that is not what i meant.... well i didn't really take into account. but it does trigger thoughts for it. For me, perhaps i have already gone emotionally beyond point of return. Now it is just evaluation and another thing to note for myself....dating should not be just tiring, but engaging and enriching, constructive emotionally. Regardless which, I am beginning to be sure and wish to by end May or June to do a emotional reset. So I will need to endure. Till then, it will be annual 40 days of fasting and prayers.

This is a time of building slow and long term emotion knowledge....to recognize what is the difference between lust and loving or winning someone's heart...or just plain blessing? It is being a while already since I have such a feeling and i am quite reluctantly to let go of it....

My First 3 positive things of the week? day? Starting with a good friend (Number 11)

1. Survive another unexpected busy week with a friday breakfast spent with smoky girl. It was a pleasant morning breakfast spent with her.... though afternoon was a mad rush to find a charger that is yet to found.
2. CB Paul Science Quiz....they finally made it to the stage round. They finally beat their rivals...and I get to witness it.
3. Dinner with JB girl. though it was not the best dinner. At least it is objective and constructive. Whichever way it will head. + Saturday Lego Serious Play was a fruitful one...with mission accomplish = get contact and get to know more people.

My First 3 positive things of the week? day? Starting with a good friend (Number 10)

1. Successful Heart Bypass - my dad..... in the midst that is all successful with little consideration needed for other facts of life
2. A fruitful inspiring ICTLT with a blunder that tell smoky girl I just wanted to spend more time with her... and the opportunities allows. I feel very comfortable with her.... I don't really know about her....or does she desire the same or something different?
3. Managed to survived 30- 2 april out of school: 2 days ICTLT and 2 days competition with workshop. Also manage to go for morning Bifest Amazing Race to support Smoky Girl. Encourage her to find alternatives. That my form class came in 2nd. with collaboration with the seniors. As it goes, I am becoming more aware of my physical reaction and micro expression... I don't fully understand why yet, and signal it presents....but i am just really letting my hearts follows....it that selfish...or just plain self-exploration into uncharted territory. Always learning new things.