10.A dog's parents will never visit you.
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
1. A dog does not shop.
Quoted: http://www.travelingdogs.com/betterthanwoman.html
Saturday, February 05, 2011
50+ reasons for a girl to choose a dog... and not a man
A dog has long been a man's best friend. Few women have a problem with that. But when The Field - the magazine devoted to the hunting, shooting, fishing fraternity - suggested 50 reasons why dogs are better than women, it started the paw wars.
Spots are an attractive feature on a dog.
A dog is better protection from intruders.
Dogs enjoy ball games. But they don't spend six hours on the phone trying o get tickets for France 98.
Dogs greet each other by sniffing bottoms. Men are far less polite.
Puppy love doesn't wear off so quickly with a dog.
You can be prosecuted for neglecting a dog.
Dogs can find their way back home - even after a really heavy night out.
Dogs can be trained not to lie on the bed. Men always lie in bed.
A dog can moult without becoming obsessed about premature baldness.
Dogs can be taught the meaning of the word "NO!"
A dog is far less irritation to have in the back seat of a car...
...and will be less likely to show its rear end to the people in the vehicle behind for a laugh.
Elizabeth Hurley has a faithful dog whom she loves dearly.
If a dog says sausages, that's clever. If a man says sausages, that's just greedy.
Dogs will wait patiently outside clothes shops...
...and not criticize your purchases afterwards.
A dog will fetch the morning paper for you.
A dog will trot faithfully round at your heel.
Dogs don't break wind in public and blame it on the man.
In the canine world, boxers are quite intelligent.
If a dog gets ill, it won't take eighteen Panadols in order to avoid having to go to the vet.
You can also ask the vet to perform the snip, even if the dog objects.
Small, ginger-haired dogs can be quite appealing. As for men? Two words. Robin Cook.
You can find a nice dog by advertising on a card in a shop window, or in the classified section of the local paper.
A woman can live with more than one dog, without rumours starting.
When dogs beg, it's cute. When men beg it's pathetic.
Dogs sometimes dig the garden.
A dog can go out fox-hunting without being incredibly stuck up and pompous.
Dogs don't necessarily prefer blondes.
Dogs won't get embarrassed if you call them by a pet name when their friends are around.
Dogs travel more cheaply on the bus.
Dogs whine less.
Some dogs can be quite talented at singing.
Men lost the World Cup. A dog found it.
Dogs are less reliant on tinned food...
...but after a few cans, a dog will still be able to stand up.
And there are some things even a dog won't eat - like the remains of a three-day-old King Prawn vindaloo that they found on the floor behind the sofa.
You can leave a dog alone in your house without worrying so much about what it'll break.
A dog gets a new coat every winter.
Dogs are not so careless about leaving puddles on the bathroom floor.
A dog is less likely to leave a filthy, stinking mess for you to clear up.
For a dog, a wet nose is a sign of GOOD health.
Men are even less useful for testing cosmetics on.
Dogs don't wolf-whistle.
There are still thousands of totally undomesticated dogs in Australia; but far more undomesticated men.
Your dog will never refer to you as 'a bitch'.
In disaster films, the dog is always far more likely to have a miraculous escape.
Dogs do not waste money betting on the dogs.
You can stop dogs getting too randy by throwing a bucket or water over them.
All the best clips on 'You've Been Framed' are the ones with dogs in.
If a dog starts worrying sheep, that's just its natural predatory instinct.
If a MAN starts worrying sheep, however...
A 'King Charles' is much more likely to be a big, floppy-eared dog than a big floppy-eared man.
You can also call a dog schitzu without offending it.
"Working like a dog" is strenuous. Working like a man is, er - not.
You can fondle your dog in the park without being arrested.
A dog will encourage you to lose weight by taking more exercise. A man will just remark on how big your bum looks.
Dogs do not attack other dogs for being a different colour.
Having a dog around the place can actually ease stress.
You'd feel guilty about turning a dog out on the street.
A dog can take a barrel of brandy to a lost mountaineer without drinking ANY.
There aren't so many good reasons to keep a dog muzzled in public.
You can buy a dog's affection with a squeaky toy.
A dog will be eager to walk, rather than getting a taxi.
Most dogs are really good with children.
Dogs have a highly-developed sense of smell. Men, on the other hand, can quite happily wear the same pair of pants for a fortnight.
A dog is more useful for tracking down criminals.
Who did YOU miss most from Blue Peter - John Noakes or Shep?
A dog might actually take a bath of its own accord.
There's more chance of your dog being able to operate the video recorder.
You can buy a choke-chain for a dog.
A 16-year-old dog is very mature.
A dog is easier to keep well-groomed.
Dogs have more chance of receiving an award for bravery.
Dogs are easier to house-train.
Dog do not scratch themselves so much in polite company.
A dog can look as though it understands what you're saying.
Dogs went into space first.
A man will roll over and play dead only if you ask him to get up and make coffee.
Dogs enjoy swimming, and not for the chance to ogle girls in bikinis.
Being a dog's mistress is no reason to feel ashamed.
You can keep your dog tied up if it starts misbehaving.
Saggy skin and a hang-dog look aren't half as appealing on a man.
You can train a dog in obedience.
A dog in a studded collar isn't kinky.
Few men would answer to 'Lassie'.
A dog is a pack animal. A man is a six-pack animal.
Dogs spend the day sniffing drugs only if they're with the police.
Dogs aren't obsessed with 'doing it man-fashion'.
A dog is a faithful companion.
A dog is for life.
Quoted: http://www.travelingdogs.com/jokes.html#better
Spots are an attractive feature on a dog.
A dog is better protection from intruders.
Dogs enjoy ball games. But they don't spend six hours on the phone trying o get tickets for France 98.
Dogs greet each other by sniffing bottoms. Men are far less polite.
Puppy love doesn't wear off so quickly with a dog.
You can be prosecuted for neglecting a dog.
Dogs can find their way back home - even after a really heavy night out.
Dogs can be trained not to lie on the bed. Men always lie in bed.
A dog can moult without becoming obsessed about premature baldness.
Dogs can be taught the meaning of the word "NO!"
A dog is far less irritation to have in the back seat of a car...
...and will be less likely to show its rear end to the people in the vehicle behind for a laugh.
Elizabeth Hurley has a faithful dog whom she loves dearly.
If a dog says sausages, that's clever. If a man says sausages, that's just greedy.
Dogs will wait patiently outside clothes shops...
...and not criticize your purchases afterwards.
A dog will fetch the morning paper for you.
A dog will trot faithfully round at your heel.
Dogs don't break wind in public and blame it on the man.
In the canine world, boxers are quite intelligent.
If a dog gets ill, it won't take eighteen Panadols in order to avoid having to go to the vet.
You can also ask the vet to perform the snip, even if the dog objects.
Small, ginger-haired dogs can be quite appealing. As for men? Two words. Robin Cook.
You can find a nice dog by advertising on a card in a shop window, or in the classified section of the local paper.
A woman can live with more than one dog, without rumours starting.
When dogs beg, it's cute. When men beg it's pathetic.
Dogs sometimes dig the garden.
A dog can go out fox-hunting without being incredibly stuck up and pompous.
Dogs don't necessarily prefer blondes.
Dogs won't get embarrassed if you call them by a pet name when their friends are around.
Dogs travel more cheaply on the bus.
Dogs whine less.
Some dogs can be quite talented at singing.
Men lost the World Cup. A dog found it.
Dogs are less reliant on tinned food...
...but after a few cans, a dog will still be able to stand up.
And there are some things even a dog won't eat - like the remains of a three-day-old King Prawn vindaloo that they found on the floor behind the sofa.
You can leave a dog alone in your house without worrying so much about what it'll break.
A dog gets a new coat every winter.
Dogs are not so careless about leaving puddles on the bathroom floor.
A dog is less likely to leave a filthy, stinking mess for you to clear up.
For a dog, a wet nose is a sign of GOOD health.
Men are even less useful for testing cosmetics on.
Dogs don't wolf-whistle.
There are still thousands of totally undomesticated dogs in Australia; but far more undomesticated men.
Your dog will never refer to you as 'a bitch'.
In disaster films, the dog is always far more likely to have a miraculous escape.
Dogs do not waste money betting on the dogs.
You can stop dogs getting too randy by throwing a bucket or water over them.
All the best clips on 'You've Been Framed' are the ones with dogs in.
If a dog starts worrying sheep, that's just its natural predatory instinct.
If a MAN starts worrying sheep, however...
A 'King Charles' is much more likely to be a big, floppy-eared dog than a big floppy-eared man.
You can also call a dog schitzu without offending it.
"Working like a dog" is strenuous. Working like a man is, er - not.
You can fondle your dog in the park without being arrested.
A dog will encourage you to lose weight by taking more exercise. A man will just remark on how big your bum looks.
Dogs do not attack other dogs for being a different colour.
Having a dog around the place can actually ease stress.
You'd feel guilty about turning a dog out on the street.
A dog can take a barrel of brandy to a lost mountaineer without drinking ANY.
There aren't so many good reasons to keep a dog muzzled in public.
You can buy a dog's affection with a squeaky toy.
A dog will be eager to walk, rather than getting a taxi.
Most dogs are really good with children.
Dogs have a highly-developed sense of smell. Men, on the other hand, can quite happily wear the same pair of pants for a fortnight.
A dog is more useful for tracking down criminals.
Who did YOU miss most from Blue Peter - John Noakes or Shep?
A dog might actually take a bath of its own accord.
There's more chance of your dog being able to operate the video recorder.
You can buy a choke-chain for a dog.
A 16-year-old dog is very mature.
A dog is easier to keep well-groomed.
Dogs have more chance of receiving an award for bravery.
Dogs are easier to house-train.
Dog do not scratch themselves so much in polite company.
A dog can look as though it understands what you're saying.
Dogs went into space first.
A man will roll over and play dead only if you ask him to get up and make coffee.
Dogs enjoy swimming, and not for the chance to ogle girls in bikinis.
Being a dog's mistress is no reason to feel ashamed.
You can keep your dog tied up if it starts misbehaving.
Saggy skin and a hang-dog look aren't half as appealing on a man.
You can train a dog in obedience.
A dog in a studded collar isn't kinky.
Few men would answer to 'Lassie'.
A dog is a pack animal. A man is a six-pack animal.
Dogs spend the day sniffing drugs only if they're with the police.
Dogs aren't obsessed with 'doing it man-fashion'.
A dog is a faithful companion.
A dog is for life.
Quoted: http://www.travelingdogs.com/jokes.html#better
Life lessons learned from a dog
1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
2. Don't go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by pissing on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is most effective.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
Quoted: http://www.travelingdogs.com/jokes.html
2. Don't go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by pissing on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is most effective.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
Quoted: http://www.travelingdogs.com/jokes.html
Suggestive Professions + Others
Doctors -- "Take off your clothes."
Dentist -- "Open wide."
Hairdressers -- "Do you want it teased or blown?"
Milkmen -- "Do you want it in front or in back?"
Interior decorators -- "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."
Bankers -- "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."
Police officers -- "Spread 'em."
Mailmen -- "I've got a package for you."
Pilots -- "I take off fast, but bring it in slow and steady."
Hunters -- "I love going deep in the bush."
CHICKEN and EGG
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters to no one in particular, "Well, guess we answered THAT question!"
BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU DO
A boy was walking home one day, enraged by a beating he had taken from the school bully. As he crossed the yard, a chicken shot out in front of him and he kicked it.
His mother ran out of the house yelling, "I saw that, young man! You can’t have any chicken for a month!"
The boy was really mad now and headed to the barn. Thinking the coast was clear, he kicked the pig. His mother came out of nowhere, yelling, "I saw that! You can’t have any pork for two months!"
Just then the boy’s father pulled up on his tractor, steaming mad. As he dismounted, the cat ran out in front of him & he kicked it, sending it flying.
The boy spotted his mother heading in their direction, "Ma, you want to tell him or should I?
$5 Twinkie
A man and his wife were having sex, and when they finished he threw the condom out the window. The wife instantly yelled at him saying that a kid could find it.
The man went out looking for it but couldn't find it. Then, he saw a kid. He asked the kid if he might have found anything that belonged to him. The kid replied that he only found a Twinkie. The man offered $5 for the Twinkie.
When the kid returned home, his mom asked him where he got the money. He said, "I sold a Twinkie to a man, but the jokes on him, I sucked out the cream filling!"
10 Shots
This guy sits down at a bar and says to the Bartender, "Give me 10 shots of Tequila. Just line 'em up right here!"
The Bartender looks at him and says, "Man, that's a lot of Tequila, can I ask why you want so many shots?"
The guy replies, "I just had my first blow job!"
The Bartender says, "ALRIGHT! Tell you what, the eleventh ones on me!"
The guy says, "Naw, if ten shots of Tequila don’t get the taste outta my mouth, nothing will!"
100 and 1
There is an ongoing conference on sex education in a jam-packed 400-seat auditorium. The current lecturer is addressing the standing-room-only audience on the various ways of making love. He says, "Before I begin, I would like to know from you the audience how many lovemaking positions there are. Let's start with the gentleman in the front row. You, sir, and how many positions do you know of?"
The man clears his throat and says in a low voice, "Around seven."
"Hmm... okay," says the lecturer. "Anyone else?"
Then a loud voice from the back of the audience booms, "One hundred and one!"
Since the lecturer cannot see who has made that remark, he lets it pass and turns to the man on the third row. "You sir, the one with the glasses in the third row. How many positions do you know of?"
The bespectacled man fidgets a bit and says abruptly, "Eleven."
"That's interesting," comments the lecturer. Then the same loud voice calls out, "One hundred and one!"
Still the lecturer ignores the persistent kibitzer as he turns his attention on a blonde girl in the second row. He says, "Young lady, how many positions do you know of?"
The girl hesitates a bit but the lecturer gently encourages her until she says in a small voice, "One."
"Only one? I find that a bit strange. And what is that?"
"Man on top of woman," says the uneasy girl. This time the same loud voice hollers, "One Hundred and Two!"
2 Boys Talking
Funny boy: Hey, do you know what the girl said to her boyfriend, when he asked her, if he could sleep with her?
Annoyed boy: No
Funny boy: Right!! Do you know what the girl said when her boyfriend asked her, if he could sleep with her?
Annoyed boy: Not again
Funny boy: Right!!! Do you know what the girl said to her boyfriend, when he asked if he could sleep with her?
Annoyed boy: Hey, this is the third time! It's enough now! Leave me alone!
Funny boy: Right!!!!
2 Dead Monkeys and a Little Old Lady
A little old lady had two monkeys for years. One day one of them died of natural causes. In grief, the second monkey passed away two days later. Not knowing what to do with them, she finally decided to take them to the taxidermist and have them stuffed.
After telling the owner of her wishes, he asked her, "Do you want them mounted?"
Blushing, she said, "No. Shaking hands will be fine."
2 fleas
Two fleas meet on Miami Beach every year, a warm flea and a cold flea. The warm flea is always there with the Stones on the radio, cooler full of Bud and suntan oil on, while the cold flea shows up shivering.
The warm flea asks, "Why do you always show up shivering?" The cold flea replies, "I come from N.Y.C. so I jump in a biker's beard and head down to Miami when the leaves turn color. The wind going through his beard makes me cold! To this the warm flea replies, "You're doing it all wrong, if you're from N.Y.C. go down Fifth Ave., find a beauty parlor, find a Jewish broad and climb up her leg and hide, next thing you know the leaves turn and you're on a plane to Miami, nice and warm like me."
Next year comes around and there's the warm flea, cooler full of Bud, Stones on the radio and all and here comes the cold flea shivering. The warm flea says, "What happened? I thought I told you what to do?"
"You did," says the cold flea, "and I listened, I went down Fifth Ave., into the beauty parlor, up the broad's leg and went to sleep. NEXT THING I KNOW I'M IN SOME BIKERS BEARD GOING DOWN I-95!!!!!"
2 Italians on a Bus
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one last-a time."
"You foul mouthed swine!" said the lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey coola down lady," said the man. "Who talking' about-a sex-a? I'm-a just-a telling my friend-a how to spell-a Mississippi."
3 Coded Messages for Mrs. Smith
Mrs. Smith has three daughters who are all getting married within the same month. She tells each one of her daughters to write back about their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to using newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the mother know how their love lives are going.
The first one gets married and the second day a telegram arrives with a single message, simply: "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE".
Mrs. Smith gets the newspaper and checks the Maxwell Coffee House advertisement, and it says: "Satisfaction to the last drop..." So, Mrs. Smith is happy.
Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there is a postcard that reads: "ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES". So, Mrs. Smith looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says: "FULL SIZE, KING SIZE" And Mrs. Smith is happy.
Then it is the third one's wedding. Mrs. Smith is anxious because two weeks have passed and still no message from the third daughter. Then after four weeks comes a letter with the message:
"BRITISH AIRWAYS".
And Mrs. Smith looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she faints. The ad reads:
"THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."
4 Bells
Fireman comes home from work talking about the new system they have a work.
1 Bell, put on their clothes,
2 Bells, slide down the pole,
3 Bells, Jump on the truck and ride to the Fire.
The wife says, "That sounds good, why don't we set up something at home?" They do.
The next day he comes home and decides to try the system.
1 Bell, they jump out of their clothes,
2 Bells, they jump in the bed,
3 Bells, they make love.
All goes well until the wife screams, "4 BELLS!"
The fireman asked, "What is 4 Bells?" and she replies,
"MORE HOSE!!!"
50th Wedding Anniversary
A couple goes back to their original honeymoon hotel for a celebration of their 50th wedding anniversary.
After all the family festivities they retire to the original room they stayed in on their honeymoon night 50 years prior.
The woman is done with her bathroom antics and her husband takes her place for his turn to get ready.
The elderly man takes quite awhile in the bathroom, as is his norm, and his wife spends the time figuring out the best way to look the most seductive when he comes back out of the bathroom.
She tries on several nighties, some pajamas, sexy undies, and a nice teddy with lace trim. Finally she decides that naked and ready would be the best bet, so she lies back on the bed and aims her lower torso towards the bathroom door. As soon as the door to the bathroom opens she raises her legs in the air and spreads them.
Her husband steps into the room, takes one look at his wife and immediately bursts into racking sobs.
"Aw, honey. What's wrong? Do you love me so much it brings you to tears?" she asks.
"No," he sobs, "Fifty years ago I couldn't wait to eat that. Now it looks like it wants to eat me!"
A Change of Heart
Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date were naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart.
"I suppose you're going to tell me now that you're waiting for 'Mr. Right'," he said dejectedly.
"That's a silly old romantic notion," laughed the coed. "I'm just waiting for Mr. Big."
A child of variety
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband," she replies.
"OK, do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached; I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth, the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that your baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that your baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see, I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, so what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a Chinese man also in the movie; I really had no choice."
At this, the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately gives her baby a slap on the butt. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl, extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."
A Diet Pill, Too?
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?" she asks.
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of homemade soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the store and buy him some food. Would he like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe he'd like a pizza microwaved or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes?
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm starving."
A Dog Named Sex
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand.....I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied,--You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy Sex at the wedding. My family is barred from that church from that day on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is for sex. I said, "You don't understand.... sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should've sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The judge said "Me Too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex."--My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but not it has left me forever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
A Family Decision
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."
A Honeymoon Bet
A Frenchman and a Canadian are checking into a hotel, and it's obvious that each is on his honeymoon.
The Frenchman says, "I bet I will make love to my new wife tonight more times than you will. The loser will buy breakfast. You have until 9am tomorrow morning." The Canadian accepts the challenge and they hurry to their rooms.
The Canadian gets down to business. After an exhausting love-making session with his wife, the Canadian scratches a "1" into the bed-post and falls fast asleep. He wakes a couple of hours later, and remembering the bet, makes love with his new bride once again. Again, he marks the bed-post with another "1" and falls into a deep slumber. He wakes just before 9am, and realizing he only has a few more minutes, gets down to business and once again scratches another "1" into the bed-post after he's done. Just then there's a knock on the door.
It's the Frenchman. He asks, "Well, how did you do?" The Canadian points proudly to the marks on the bed-post.
"Sacre bleu!" says the Frenchman, "One hundred and eleven! You beat me by two!"
A Little Drugstore Humor
A man of about 60 asked the young lady at the drugstore checkout for a box of lubricated condoms.
"What size are you, Sir?" she asked.
"I didn't know they came in different sizes, Miss. I'm not sure what size I take."
"Well, just a moment, Sir, I can check", and she came around the counter, unzipped his fly, took hold of him and said into the microphone "Box of extra-large condoms to the checkout, please." A stock boy brought the condoms, the gentleman paid, and left.
A short time later, another man asked the young lady for a pack of ribbed condoms. "Yes, Sir, what size are you?"
"I..I'm not sure", stammered the customer.
"Well, let's be sure" said the young lady, "we don't want them slipping off at the wrong time, do we", and she came around the counter, unzipped his fly, felt him approvingly and said into the microphone "Box of large ribbed condoms to the checkout, please." The man paid and left.
Still later, a young fellow about 16 came in, looked around and asked the checkout girl for a pack of condoms. "OK," she said, "What size are you?"
"I dddon't know" he stuttered, blushing.
"Well, no problem, we'll just check you out" said the young lady as she came around the counter, unzipped his fly, felt him appraisingly and said into the microphone, "Cleanup at the checkout, please."
A Little Head!
A couple of guys are sitting in a bar and notice this big muscular guy with this real little head. They try to talk each other into going over and asking him how it is possible that his body is so massive and his head is so little, but are afraid because it is quite obvious that this man spends a lot of time at the gym. As the night goes on they get slightly intoxicated and one of them gets brave enough to go over and ask him.
He approaches the strapping' dude and tells him that he and his buddies are quite curious as to why his head is so little and the rest of his body is so large. The guy explains to them that while cleaning out his mother's attic one day he stumbled upon this bottle. He tried to clean it up a bit by rubbing the dirt off of it, and a beautiful genie appeared -- the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on. She told him that she had been in the bottle for over 70 years, and would like to thank him for releasing her by granting him one wish.
He told her that she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and that his wish would be for her to have sex with him. Slightly offended, she replied, "I am sorry, but I am unable to grant that wish." He then asked her, "Ok, then I'd like to wish for a hand job." She replied indignantly, "Again, I am sorry. I am not able to grant that wish." Feeling frustrated, he responded, "Well I guess a little head is out of the question?"
Dentist -- "Open wide."
Hairdressers -- "Do you want it teased or blown?"
Milkmen -- "Do you want it in front or in back?"
Interior decorators -- "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."
Bankers -- "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."
Police officers -- "Spread 'em."
Mailmen -- "I've got a package for you."
Pilots -- "I take off fast, but bring it in slow and steady."
Hunters -- "I love going deep in the bush."
CHICKEN and EGG
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters to no one in particular, "Well, guess we answered THAT question!"
BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU DO
A boy was walking home one day, enraged by a beating he had taken from the school bully. As he crossed the yard, a chicken shot out in front of him and he kicked it.
His mother ran out of the house yelling, "I saw that, young man! You can’t have any chicken for a month!"
The boy was really mad now and headed to the barn. Thinking the coast was clear, he kicked the pig. His mother came out of nowhere, yelling, "I saw that! You can’t have any pork for two months!"
Just then the boy’s father pulled up on his tractor, steaming mad. As he dismounted, the cat ran out in front of him & he kicked it, sending it flying.
The boy spotted his mother heading in their direction, "Ma, you want to tell him or should I?
$5 Twinkie
A man and his wife were having sex, and when they finished he threw the condom out the window. The wife instantly yelled at him saying that a kid could find it.
The man went out looking for it but couldn't find it. Then, he saw a kid. He asked the kid if he might have found anything that belonged to him. The kid replied that he only found a Twinkie. The man offered $5 for the Twinkie.
When the kid returned home, his mom asked him where he got the money. He said, "I sold a Twinkie to a man, but the jokes on him, I sucked out the cream filling!"
10 Shots
This guy sits down at a bar and says to the Bartender, "Give me 10 shots of Tequila. Just line 'em up right here!"
The Bartender looks at him and says, "Man, that's a lot of Tequila, can I ask why you want so many shots?"
The guy replies, "I just had my first blow job!"
The Bartender says, "ALRIGHT! Tell you what, the eleventh ones on me!"
The guy says, "Naw, if ten shots of Tequila don’t get the taste outta my mouth, nothing will!"
100 and 1
There is an ongoing conference on sex education in a jam-packed 400-seat auditorium. The current lecturer is addressing the standing-room-only audience on the various ways of making love. He says, "Before I begin, I would like to know from you the audience how many lovemaking positions there are. Let's start with the gentleman in the front row. You, sir, and how many positions do you know of?"
The man clears his throat and says in a low voice, "Around seven."
"Hmm... okay," says the lecturer. "Anyone else?"
Then a loud voice from the back of the audience booms, "One hundred and one!"
Since the lecturer cannot see who has made that remark, he lets it pass and turns to the man on the third row. "You sir, the one with the glasses in the third row. How many positions do you know of?"
The bespectacled man fidgets a bit and says abruptly, "Eleven."
"That's interesting," comments the lecturer. Then the same loud voice calls out, "One hundred and one!"
Still the lecturer ignores the persistent kibitzer as he turns his attention on a blonde girl in the second row. He says, "Young lady, how many positions do you know of?"
The girl hesitates a bit but the lecturer gently encourages her until she says in a small voice, "One."
"Only one? I find that a bit strange. And what is that?"
"Man on top of woman," says the uneasy girl. This time the same loud voice hollers, "One Hundred and Two!"
2 Boys Talking
Funny boy: Hey, do you know what the girl said to her boyfriend, when he asked her, if he could sleep with her?
Annoyed boy: No
Funny boy: Right!! Do you know what the girl said when her boyfriend asked her, if he could sleep with her?
Annoyed boy: Not again
Funny boy: Right!!! Do you know what the girl said to her boyfriend, when he asked if he could sleep with her?
Annoyed boy: Hey, this is the third time! It's enough now! Leave me alone!
Funny boy: Right!!!!
2 Dead Monkeys and a Little Old Lady
A little old lady had two monkeys for years. One day one of them died of natural causes. In grief, the second monkey passed away two days later. Not knowing what to do with them, she finally decided to take them to the taxidermist and have them stuffed.
After telling the owner of her wishes, he asked her, "Do you want them mounted?"
Blushing, she said, "No. Shaking hands will be fine."
2 fleas
Two fleas meet on Miami Beach every year, a warm flea and a cold flea. The warm flea is always there with the Stones on the radio, cooler full of Bud and suntan oil on, while the cold flea shows up shivering.
The warm flea asks, "Why do you always show up shivering?" The cold flea replies, "I come from N.Y.C. so I jump in a biker's beard and head down to Miami when the leaves turn color. The wind going through his beard makes me cold! To this the warm flea replies, "You're doing it all wrong, if you're from N.Y.C. go down Fifth Ave., find a beauty parlor, find a Jewish broad and climb up her leg and hide, next thing you know the leaves turn and you're on a plane to Miami, nice and warm like me."
Next year comes around and there's the warm flea, cooler full of Bud, Stones on the radio and all and here comes the cold flea shivering. The warm flea says, "What happened? I thought I told you what to do?"
"You did," says the cold flea, "and I listened, I went down Fifth Ave., into the beauty parlor, up the broad's leg and went to sleep. NEXT THING I KNOW I'M IN SOME BIKERS BEARD GOING DOWN I-95!!!!!"
2 Italians on a Bus
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one last-a time."
"You foul mouthed swine!" said the lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey coola down lady," said the man. "Who talking' about-a sex-a? I'm-a just-a telling my friend-a how to spell-a Mississippi."
3 Coded Messages for Mrs. Smith
Mrs. Smith has three daughters who are all getting married within the same month. She tells each one of her daughters to write back about their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to using newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the mother know how their love lives are going.
The first one gets married and the second day a telegram arrives with a single message, simply: "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE".
Mrs. Smith gets the newspaper and checks the Maxwell Coffee House advertisement, and it says: "Satisfaction to the last drop..." So, Mrs. Smith is happy.
Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there is a postcard that reads: "ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES". So, Mrs. Smith looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says: "FULL SIZE, KING SIZE" And Mrs. Smith is happy.
Then it is the third one's wedding. Mrs. Smith is anxious because two weeks have passed and still no message from the third daughter. Then after four weeks comes a letter with the message:
"BRITISH AIRWAYS".
And Mrs. Smith looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she faints. The ad reads:
"THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."
4 Bells
Fireman comes home from work talking about the new system they have a work.
1 Bell, put on their clothes,
2 Bells, slide down the pole,
3 Bells, Jump on the truck and ride to the Fire.
The wife says, "That sounds good, why don't we set up something at home?" They do.
The next day he comes home and decides to try the system.
1 Bell, they jump out of their clothes,
2 Bells, they jump in the bed,
3 Bells, they make love.
All goes well until the wife screams, "4 BELLS!"
The fireman asked, "What is 4 Bells?" and she replies,
"MORE HOSE!!!"
50th Wedding Anniversary
A couple goes back to their original honeymoon hotel for a celebration of their 50th wedding anniversary.
After all the family festivities they retire to the original room they stayed in on their honeymoon night 50 years prior.
The woman is done with her bathroom antics and her husband takes her place for his turn to get ready.
The elderly man takes quite awhile in the bathroom, as is his norm, and his wife spends the time figuring out the best way to look the most seductive when he comes back out of the bathroom.
She tries on several nighties, some pajamas, sexy undies, and a nice teddy with lace trim. Finally she decides that naked and ready would be the best bet, so she lies back on the bed and aims her lower torso towards the bathroom door. As soon as the door to the bathroom opens she raises her legs in the air and spreads them.
Her husband steps into the room, takes one look at his wife and immediately bursts into racking sobs.
"Aw, honey. What's wrong? Do you love me so much it brings you to tears?" she asks.
"No," he sobs, "Fifty years ago I couldn't wait to eat that. Now it looks like it wants to eat me!"
A Change of Heart
Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date were naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart.
"I suppose you're going to tell me now that you're waiting for 'Mr. Right'," he said dejectedly.
"That's a silly old romantic notion," laughed the coed. "I'm just waiting for Mr. Big."
A child of variety
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband," she replies.
"OK, do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached; I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth, the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that your baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that your baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see, I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, so what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a Chinese man also in the movie; I really had no choice."
At this, the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately gives her baby a slap on the butt. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl, extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."
A Diet Pill, Too?
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?" she asks.
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of homemade soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the store and buy him some food. Would he like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe he'd like a pizza microwaved or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes?
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm starving."
A Dog Named Sex
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand.....I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied,--You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy Sex at the wedding. My family is barred from that church from that day on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is for sex. I said, "You don't understand.... sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should've sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The judge said "Me Too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex."--My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but not it has left me forever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
A Family Decision
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."
A Honeymoon Bet
A Frenchman and a Canadian are checking into a hotel, and it's obvious that each is on his honeymoon.
The Frenchman says, "I bet I will make love to my new wife tonight more times than you will. The loser will buy breakfast. You have until 9am tomorrow morning." The Canadian accepts the challenge and they hurry to their rooms.
The Canadian gets down to business. After an exhausting love-making session with his wife, the Canadian scratches a "1" into the bed-post and falls fast asleep. He wakes a couple of hours later, and remembering the bet, makes love with his new bride once again. Again, he marks the bed-post with another "1" and falls into a deep slumber. He wakes just before 9am, and realizing he only has a few more minutes, gets down to business and once again scratches another "1" into the bed-post after he's done. Just then there's a knock on the door.
It's the Frenchman. He asks, "Well, how did you do?" The Canadian points proudly to the marks on the bed-post.
"Sacre bleu!" says the Frenchman, "One hundred and eleven! You beat me by two!"
A Little Drugstore Humor
A man of about 60 asked the young lady at the drugstore checkout for a box of lubricated condoms.
"What size are you, Sir?" she asked.
"I didn't know they came in different sizes, Miss. I'm not sure what size I take."
"Well, just a moment, Sir, I can check", and she came around the counter, unzipped his fly, took hold of him and said into the microphone "Box of extra-large condoms to the checkout, please." A stock boy brought the condoms, the gentleman paid, and left.
A short time later, another man asked the young lady for a pack of ribbed condoms. "Yes, Sir, what size are you?"
"I..I'm not sure", stammered the customer.
"Well, let's be sure" said the young lady, "we don't want them slipping off at the wrong time, do we", and she came around the counter, unzipped his fly, felt him approvingly and said into the microphone "Box of large ribbed condoms to the checkout, please." The man paid and left.
Still later, a young fellow about 16 came in, looked around and asked the checkout girl for a pack of condoms. "OK," she said, "What size are you?"
"I dddon't know" he stuttered, blushing.
"Well, no problem, we'll just check you out" said the young lady as she came around the counter, unzipped his fly, felt him appraisingly and said into the microphone, "Cleanup at the checkout, please."
A Little Head!
A couple of guys are sitting in a bar and notice this big muscular guy with this real little head. They try to talk each other into going over and asking him how it is possible that his body is so massive and his head is so little, but are afraid because it is quite obvious that this man spends a lot of time at the gym. As the night goes on they get slightly intoxicated and one of them gets brave enough to go over and ask him.
He approaches the strapping' dude and tells him that he and his buddies are quite curious as to why his head is so little and the rest of his body is so large. The guy explains to them that while cleaning out his mother's attic one day he stumbled upon this bottle. He tried to clean it up a bit by rubbing the dirt off of it, and a beautiful genie appeared -- the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on. She told him that she had been in the bottle for over 70 years, and would like to thank him for releasing her by granting him one wish.
He told her that she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and that his wish would be for her to have sex with him. Slightly offended, she replied, "I am sorry, but I am unable to grant that wish." He then asked her, "Ok, then I'd like to wish for a hand job." She replied indignantly, "Again, I am sorry. I am not able to grant that wish." Feeling frustrated, he responded, "Well I guess a little head is out of the question?"
Do’s and don’ts of texting
Do’s and don’ts of texting
By Carly Milne
Combine the convenience of a cell-phone call with the privacy of an email, and there you have the latest, greatest way to keep in touch with someone you like: texting. These days, nearly everyone’s exchanging mini-missives with his or her amour. That said, there’s a right way and a wrong way to get your message through — and while texting has cultivated many a relationship, an equal number have foundered because the texters didn’t adhere to a few simple rules. Follow these helpful tips, however, and they’ll turn you into a texting expert in no time, not to mention aid in cultivating some warm-and-fuzzy feelings between you and your intended.
Do text on noteworthy occasions
Texts are a great way to let the object of your affections know that he or she is on your mind — especially when a response isn’t really required. “One text-worthy occasion is the morning after a great date,” says Regina Lynn, author of The Sexual Revolution 2.0. “A text saying, ‘I had a great time last night’ or ‘Thinking of you’ is less intrusive than a phone call but very sweet.” Other prime texting times would be if your date has mentioned an important upcoming meeting or event. Sending a quick “Good luck at your meeting; you’ll do great!” beforehand or a “Hope your interview went well — looking forward to hearing about it” afterward are the equivalent of little love darts into your honey’s heart. Keep ’em coming!
Don’t text when a phone call would be better
Though it can get addictive, having endless and lengthy text conversations in place of voice-to-voice action is a bad idea. Why? It’s all about making that human connection. “Texting is OK for simple exchanges of information — meet me here, see you there — but I want to hear my girl say hi,” notes Adam Dreyfus, 37, of New Canaan, CT. “I was dating a woman who texted me all the time, but it wasn’t the same as being at work, stressed out and behind schedule, then hearing the phone ring and hearing her voice. Just a simple ‘hi’ can make everything right in the universe.” So if it’s been a number of days since you’ve spoken to each other, consider picking up the phone to remind your sweetie what you sound like. Also keep in mind that texting can often be more cumbersome and time-consuming than a phone call, so before you compose your text, ask yourself: Would a phone allow us to hash out our plans more quickly? If so, save yourself (and your date) the trouble and use the phone.
Do flirt with caution
Nothing can break up a mundane work day better than a few texted sweet nothings… but if you’re thinking of steaming things up, proceed with caution. It’s all too easy to risk offending the recipient with a message that’s a little too titillating, too soon. “You shouldn’t start with dirty words. Some people do not want to see certain words on their phones,” warns Lynn. “I would begin with some general flirting — I want to kiss you, or something similar — and see what the other person says back.” If the recipient responds in kind and even escalates (example: asking questions like, “What else did you like about last night?” are an obvious welcome sign), feel free to up the ante slightly, with racier confessions. In short, before you dig into full-on dirty talk, you should pave the way with numerous texts that make it clear this is the direction you’re going and that the recipient is fine hearing them.
Don’t text at odd hours
Just as you wouldn’t call at all hours of the night, you should not text anyone then, either. “Always be sensitive to what the person is likely to be doing,” says Lynn. “For example, don’t text before 10 a.m. unless you know for sure he or she gets up early and enjoys mornings. Don’t text after 10 p.m. either.” Not only could you wake the person up (cell phones still make sound when they receive a text), even if your date’s cell is turned off, he or she can still see you texted at 3 a.m. — and that makes you look inconsiderate, needy, or just plain weird.
Don’t say anything you wouldn’t say in person
Hiding behind your phone is a surefire way to start a new relationship out on the wrong foot — especially if what you’re trying to avoid saying in person is important. “I once dated this guy who chose to text me about having an infection,” recalls Sharlene Smithers, 32. “I wasn’t as bothered by the revelation so much as I was bothered that he texted me about it. It felt like a cowardly way out, and it left me wondering what else he was incapable of communicating to me.” It’s best to save texting for fun and flirty notes or where-to-meet-what-time plans. Save heavy conversations and those first “I love you’s” for face-to-face chats.
Carly Milne has written for Maxim, Stuff, and other publications.
Quoted: http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=7442&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=727452
By Carly Milne
Combine the convenience of a cell-phone call with the privacy of an email, and there you have the latest, greatest way to keep in touch with someone you like: texting. These days, nearly everyone’s exchanging mini-missives with his or her amour. That said, there’s a right way and a wrong way to get your message through — and while texting has cultivated many a relationship, an equal number have foundered because the texters didn’t adhere to a few simple rules. Follow these helpful tips, however, and they’ll turn you into a texting expert in no time, not to mention aid in cultivating some warm-and-fuzzy feelings between you and your intended.
Do text on noteworthy occasions
Texts are a great way to let the object of your affections know that he or she is on your mind — especially when a response isn’t really required. “One text-worthy occasion is the morning after a great date,” says Regina Lynn, author of The Sexual Revolution 2.0. “A text saying, ‘I had a great time last night’ or ‘Thinking of you’ is less intrusive than a phone call but very sweet.” Other prime texting times would be if your date has mentioned an important upcoming meeting or event. Sending a quick “Good luck at your meeting; you’ll do great!” beforehand or a “Hope your interview went well — looking forward to hearing about it” afterward are the equivalent of little love darts into your honey’s heart. Keep ’em coming!
Don’t text when a phone call would be better
Though it can get addictive, having endless and lengthy text conversations in place of voice-to-voice action is a bad idea. Why? It’s all about making that human connection. “Texting is OK for simple exchanges of information — meet me here, see you there — but I want to hear my girl say hi,” notes Adam Dreyfus, 37, of New Canaan, CT. “I was dating a woman who texted me all the time, but it wasn’t the same as being at work, stressed out and behind schedule, then hearing the phone ring and hearing her voice. Just a simple ‘hi’ can make everything right in the universe.” So if it’s been a number of days since you’ve spoken to each other, consider picking up the phone to remind your sweetie what you sound like. Also keep in mind that texting can often be more cumbersome and time-consuming than a phone call, so before you compose your text, ask yourself: Would a phone allow us to hash out our plans more quickly? If so, save yourself (and your date) the trouble and use the phone.
Do flirt with caution
Nothing can break up a mundane work day better than a few texted sweet nothings… but if you’re thinking of steaming things up, proceed with caution. It’s all too easy to risk offending the recipient with a message that’s a little too titillating, too soon. “You shouldn’t start with dirty words. Some people do not want to see certain words on their phones,” warns Lynn. “I would begin with some general flirting — I want to kiss you, or something similar — and see what the other person says back.” If the recipient responds in kind and even escalates (example: asking questions like, “What else did you like about last night?” are an obvious welcome sign), feel free to up the ante slightly, with racier confessions. In short, before you dig into full-on dirty talk, you should pave the way with numerous texts that make it clear this is the direction you’re going and that the recipient is fine hearing them.
Don’t text at odd hours
Just as you wouldn’t call at all hours of the night, you should not text anyone then, either. “Always be sensitive to what the person is likely to be doing,” says Lynn. “For example, don’t text before 10 a.m. unless you know for sure he or she gets up early and enjoys mornings. Don’t text after 10 p.m. either.” Not only could you wake the person up (cell phones still make sound when they receive a text), even if your date’s cell is turned off, he or she can still see you texted at 3 a.m. — and that makes you look inconsiderate, needy, or just plain weird.
Don’t say anything you wouldn’t say in person
Hiding behind your phone is a surefire way to start a new relationship out on the wrong foot — especially if what you’re trying to avoid saying in person is important. “I once dated this guy who chose to text me about having an infection,” recalls Sharlene Smithers, 32. “I wasn’t as bothered by the revelation so much as I was bothered that he texted me about it. It felt like a cowardly way out, and it left me wondering what else he was incapable of communicating to me.” It’s best to save texting for fun and flirty notes or where-to-meet-what-time plans. Save heavy conversations and those first “I love you’s” for face-to-face chats.
Carly Milne has written for Maxim, Stuff, and other publications.
Quoted: http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=7442&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=727452
6 Rose Colors and Their Meanings.
6 Rose Colors and Their Meanings.
by Reader's Digest Magazine, on Mon Jan 31, 2011 10:40am PST
While no woman would turn down a dozen red roses, find out the other messages you can send by giving a different color or blending the colors in your bouquet.
Red: Love and Romance
One of the most universal of all symbols, the red rose represents true love. It has also appeared throughout history and across cultures as both a political and religious symbol.
Yellow: Friendship, Joy, Get Well
Throughout history, yellow has been closely associated with the sun, making these roses excellent for cheering people up. Yellow roses send a message of appreciation and platonic love without the romantic subtext of other colors. The color represents feelings of joy and delight.
Pink: Love, Gratitude, Appreciation
Pink carries with it the connotation of grace and elegance, as well as sweetness and poetic romance.
Dark pink roses are symbolic of gratitude and appreciation, and are a traditional way to say thanks.
Light pink roses are associated with gentleness and admiration, and can also be used as an expression of sympathy.
PLUS: 5 Ways Love Makes You Smarter
White: Purity, Innocence, Sympathy, Spirituality
Early tradition used white roses as a symbol for true love, an association which would later become the hallmark of the red rose. Also known as the bridal rose, the white rose is a traditional wedding flower. In this sense, white represents unity, virtue, and the pureness of a new love. White roses are also associated with honor and reverence, which makes them a fitting memorial for a departed loved one.
Orange: Desire, Enthusiasm and Passion
A literal mixture of yellow and red, orange roses were seen as a bridge between friendship symbolized by yellow roses and love represented by red roses. They can be an expression of fascination, or a gift to say 'I'm proud of you.'
PLUS: 13 Things Your Florist Won't Tell You
Lavender: Enchantment, Majesty, Love at First Sight
The color purple has a traditional association with royalty. In this regard, shades of lavender roses suggest an air of regal majesty and splendor.
Source: proflowers.com
Quoted: http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/6-rose-colors-and-their-meanings-2446715/
by Reader's Digest Magazine, on Mon Jan 31, 2011 10:40am PST
While no woman would turn down a dozen red roses, find out the other messages you can send by giving a different color or blending the colors in your bouquet.
Red: Love and Romance
One of the most universal of all symbols, the red rose represents true love. It has also appeared throughout history and across cultures as both a political and religious symbol.
Yellow: Friendship, Joy, Get Well
Throughout history, yellow has been closely associated with the sun, making these roses excellent for cheering people up. Yellow roses send a message of appreciation and platonic love without the romantic subtext of other colors. The color represents feelings of joy and delight.
Pink: Love, Gratitude, Appreciation
Pink carries with it the connotation of grace and elegance, as well as sweetness and poetic romance.
Dark pink roses are symbolic of gratitude and appreciation, and are a traditional way to say thanks.
Light pink roses are associated with gentleness and admiration, and can also be used as an expression of sympathy.
PLUS: 5 Ways Love Makes You Smarter
White: Purity, Innocence, Sympathy, Spirituality
Early tradition used white roses as a symbol for true love, an association which would later become the hallmark of the red rose. Also known as the bridal rose, the white rose is a traditional wedding flower. In this sense, white represents unity, virtue, and the pureness of a new love. White roses are also associated with honor and reverence, which makes them a fitting memorial for a departed loved one.
Orange: Desire, Enthusiasm and Passion
A literal mixture of yellow and red, orange roses were seen as a bridge between friendship symbolized by yellow roses and love represented by red roses. They can be an expression of fascination, or a gift to say 'I'm proud of you.'
PLUS: 13 Things Your Florist Won't Tell You
Lavender: Enchantment, Majesty, Love at First Sight
The color purple has a traditional association with royalty. In this regard, shades of lavender roses suggest an air of regal majesty and splendor.
Source: proflowers.com
Quoted: http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/sex/6-rose-colors-and-their-meanings-2446715/
How to Fight Bad Customer Service
How to Fight Bad Customer Service
by Liz Weston
Saturday, January 29, 2011
No matter how careful a consumer you are, sooner or later you will get stung with a product that doesn't work, a fee you shouldn't have to pay or a policy that simply doesn't make sense.
The good news is that you can complain effectively, and get results. You just have to know how. You must:
Know Your Rights
Sometimes companies get away with egregious behavior simply because their victims don't know the law. It's illegal, for example, for a company to knowingly report false credit information or for collection agencies to keep calling you after you've told them in writing to stop. Knowing the law, and letting the companies know you know, is sometimes effective in getting bad behavior to stop.
If your complaint involves a contract, warranty or guarantee, read all the fine print that came with it. You don't necessarily have to limit yourself to the remedies prescribed in these documents, but you should at least know what the company promised.
Know What You Want
Be clear in your mind and in all your communications with the company about what you want to happen. That way you won't get sidetracked. After all, the customer service rep's job, typically, is not to make you happy. It's to get you off the phone.
If the rep suggests ways to fix your problem at all, it will usually be ways that don't cost her or the company much. When my new laptop's hard drive failed for the second time, Dell wanted to send me yet another replacement part. But I knew from the start of my call that I wasn't getting off the phone until a replacement computer was on its way.
I'm assuming, by the way, that what you want is both reasonable and doable. Your definition of those two terms may vary from the company's, but you can't be ridiculous about it. The dry cleaner that ruined your jacket, for example, should be expected to buy you a new one. You shouldn't expect free dry cleaning for life.
Be Concise
Boil your story down to its essential elements; you might even practice first with a friend before you pick up the phone. Nattering on about irrelevant details will just make it easier for the rep to tune out or miss the point. Besides, you're going to have to repeat your story over and over and over to get results. Might as well save yourself some time by editing in advance.
[Discounts You Can Get For Paying Cash]
Don't Be a Jerk
My husband, the most effective complainer I know, puts it this way: You don't have to be nice, necessarily. You do have to be polite. Hubby has used this not-nice-but-polite approach to get us a 50 percent discount on a garage door that was incorrectly installed, a free upgrade on our TiVo service (again, botched installation) and a number of other concessions from companies that initially insisted there was no way to accommodate us.
I've found being nice sometimes greases the wheels. My favorite ploy is to chat them up, then ask them how they would handle my problem if it were theirs, instead of mine. Many times, they'll respond to this treatment by connecting me with someone who can actually solve my dilemma.
Remember: The Company's Problems Are Not Yours
Customer service reps love to tell you exactly why the company's procedures don't allow them to do what you need them to do. Guess what: You don't have to care. How the company chooses to conduct its business is not your concern. What is your concern is getting your problem fixed, however the company ultimately decides to do it.
Carve Out Some Time
I'm convinced some companies try to wear you out with excessively long hold times. You can't force them to pick up the phone, but you can fight back by outwaiting them. Get yourself a portable phone or, better yet, a portable with a headset. That way you can do other things to keep your sanity while waiting for the company to see reason.
It took me three hours on a Saturday morning to persuade Dell to see things my way. I survived innumerable transfers, two disconnects and endless stretches on hold largely because I wasn't tethered to a desk the whole time. Thanks to my portable headset, I was able to play with my daughter, sort mail and even do a little light housekeeping while I talked to Sandy, Matt, Phyllis, Jason, Raina and the rest of the Dell crew about how they were going to get me a replacement computer.
Get Names and Call-Back Numbers
Sometimes you don't have three hours in a row to spend on the phone. Rather than start over from the beginning each time you dial, make sure you know how to get back in touch with the people who handled your last call. Having a name and number also comes in handy when you get transferred into voice-mail hell or the phone simply goes dead -- not that a customer service rep would ever, ever deliberately hang up on you. (Ahem, Sandy.)
Take Notes
I don't know why, but reps are inordinately impressed when you can tell them exactly when you were told what by whom. These details can also help when you're enlisting others to come to your aid.
When in Doubt, Get It in Writing
Consumer advocates usually recommend putting disputes in writing. The reality is that most problems get handled over the phone, and you don't necessarily have to conduct business by snail mail. If the issue involves a lot of money, taxes, legal issues or your credit report, however, put everything in writing and send the letters by certified mail, return receipt requested. Keep a log of all your communications with the company and copies of every relevant piece of paper.
[10 Rules For Saving on Everything]
Keep Moving Up the Ladder
You probably know that if you can't get what you want from a phone rep, you should ask to speak to a supervisor. But the folks with the real power may be several rungs up the ladder. If you strike out, try the company's marketing or public relations division. A letter sent to the company's president or CEO can often break through a logjam like nothing else. If a quick Google search doesn't turn up the name and address, check the web site. Don't fall for the customer service address that's prominently listed; you want the address where the CEO actually does business. If it's a publicly traded company, you'll find that in its SEC filings in the "Investor Relations" tab.
Social media may help you, or it may not. Social media expert Peter Shankman tells of the time he tried to get Delta's attention about a travel problem with repeated tweets to @Delta, only to get a response (and an offer to help) from @SouthwestAir. At least somebody was monitoring Delta-related tweets on Twitter, he says -- too bad it wasn't Delta.
Escalate
If the company is violating the law, you may need to contact the appropriate regulator. You'll need to do some research to find the right office (a Google search such as "Who regulates banks?" can get you started), but you can't necessarily count on results.
If you're having a problem with the government itself, the ultimate resource may be your local, state or federal representative. Many lawmakers pride themselves on taking care of their constituents on this grassroots level.
Then there's always the option of alerting the media. If the company's behavior has been particularly terrible or you think you might be part of a trend, you can seek out a sympathetic blogger or try contacting your local newspaper or television station to see if you can interest them in your plight.
If nothing else works, you can always hire a lawyer. It's not the easiest or most cost-effective way to get what you want, but sometimes it pays off. When a company is particularly entrenched in ignoring its consumers, sometimes that law firm letterhead is the only thing that will get their attention. For lawyers versed in consumer issues, visit the National Association of Consumer Attorneys at www.naca.net.
Get Smarter
Meanwhile, here are some other ways you can be a savvier consumer:
• Diversify your credit accounts so you have cards from different issuers. Get cards from at least two different lenders.
• Don't be afraid to close an occasional credit account if you have good scores and plenty of other open accounts and you won't be looking for a major loan in the next few months. Shuttering an account is sometimes the best way to get your message across.
• If you're not happy with your bank, consider switching to a credit union.
• Make sure your phone service still fits your needs. Drop unnecessary services and let Validas analyze your cell phone bill for possible savings.
• Check back two weeks before your trip to see if hotel or rental car costs have dropped, and rebook if so.
This was excerpted from "The 10 Commandments of Money" courtesy of Hudson Street Press, an imprint of Penguin.
Quoted: http://finance.yahoo.com/family-home/article/111981/how-to-fight-bad-customer-service
by Liz Weston
Saturday, January 29, 2011
No matter how careful a consumer you are, sooner or later you will get stung with a product that doesn't work, a fee you shouldn't have to pay or a policy that simply doesn't make sense.
The good news is that you can complain effectively, and get results. You just have to know how. You must:
Know Your Rights
Sometimes companies get away with egregious behavior simply because their victims don't know the law. It's illegal, for example, for a company to knowingly report false credit information or for collection agencies to keep calling you after you've told them in writing to stop. Knowing the law, and letting the companies know you know, is sometimes effective in getting bad behavior to stop.
If your complaint involves a contract, warranty or guarantee, read all the fine print that came with it. You don't necessarily have to limit yourself to the remedies prescribed in these documents, but you should at least know what the company promised.
Know What You Want
Be clear in your mind and in all your communications with the company about what you want to happen. That way you won't get sidetracked. After all, the customer service rep's job, typically, is not to make you happy. It's to get you off the phone.
If the rep suggests ways to fix your problem at all, it will usually be ways that don't cost her or the company much. When my new laptop's hard drive failed for the second time, Dell wanted to send me yet another replacement part. But I knew from the start of my call that I wasn't getting off the phone until a replacement computer was on its way.
I'm assuming, by the way, that what you want is both reasonable and doable. Your definition of those two terms may vary from the company's, but you can't be ridiculous about it. The dry cleaner that ruined your jacket, for example, should be expected to buy you a new one. You shouldn't expect free dry cleaning for life.
Be Concise
Boil your story down to its essential elements; you might even practice first with a friend before you pick up the phone. Nattering on about irrelevant details will just make it easier for the rep to tune out or miss the point. Besides, you're going to have to repeat your story over and over and over to get results. Might as well save yourself some time by editing in advance.
[Discounts You Can Get For Paying Cash]
Don't Be a Jerk
My husband, the most effective complainer I know, puts it this way: You don't have to be nice, necessarily. You do have to be polite. Hubby has used this not-nice-but-polite approach to get us a 50 percent discount on a garage door that was incorrectly installed, a free upgrade on our TiVo service (again, botched installation) and a number of other concessions from companies that initially insisted there was no way to accommodate us.
I've found being nice sometimes greases the wheels. My favorite ploy is to chat them up, then ask them how they would handle my problem if it were theirs, instead of mine. Many times, they'll respond to this treatment by connecting me with someone who can actually solve my dilemma.
Remember: The Company's Problems Are Not Yours
Customer service reps love to tell you exactly why the company's procedures don't allow them to do what you need them to do. Guess what: You don't have to care. How the company chooses to conduct its business is not your concern. What is your concern is getting your problem fixed, however the company ultimately decides to do it.
Carve Out Some Time
I'm convinced some companies try to wear you out with excessively long hold times. You can't force them to pick up the phone, but you can fight back by outwaiting them. Get yourself a portable phone or, better yet, a portable with a headset. That way you can do other things to keep your sanity while waiting for the company to see reason.
It took me three hours on a Saturday morning to persuade Dell to see things my way. I survived innumerable transfers, two disconnects and endless stretches on hold largely because I wasn't tethered to a desk the whole time. Thanks to my portable headset, I was able to play with my daughter, sort mail and even do a little light housekeeping while I talked to Sandy, Matt, Phyllis, Jason, Raina and the rest of the Dell crew about how they were going to get me a replacement computer.
Get Names and Call-Back Numbers
Sometimes you don't have three hours in a row to spend on the phone. Rather than start over from the beginning each time you dial, make sure you know how to get back in touch with the people who handled your last call. Having a name and number also comes in handy when you get transferred into voice-mail hell or the phone simply goes dead -- not that a customer service rep would ever, ever deliberately hang up on you. (Ahem, Sandy.)
Take Notes
I don't know why, but reps are inordinately impressed when you can tell them exactly when you were told what by whom. These details can also help when you're enlisting others to come to your aid.
When in Doubt, Get It in Writing
Consumer advocates usually recommend putting disputes in writing. The reality is that most problems get handled over the phone, and you don't necessarily have to conduct business by snail mail. If the issue involves a lot of money, taxes, legal issues or your credit report, however, put everything in writing and send the letters by certified mail, return receipt requested. Keep a log of all your communications with the company and copies of every relevant piece of paper.
[10 Rules For Saving on Everything]
Keep Moving Up the Ladder
You probably know that if you can't get what you want from a phone rep, you should ask to speak to a supervisor. But the folks with the real power may be several rungs up the ladder. If you strike out, try the company's marketing or public relations division. A letter sent to the company's president or CEO can often break through a logjam like nothing else. If a quick Google search doesn't turn up the name and address, check the web site. Don't fall for the customer service address that's prominently listed; you want the address where the CEO actually does business. If it's a publicly traded company, you'll find that in its SEC filings in the "Investor Relations" tab.
Social media may help you, or it may not. Social media expert Peter Shankman tells of the time he tried to get Delta's attention about a travel problem with repeated tweets to @Delta, only to get a response (and an offer to help) from @SouthwestAir. At least somebody was monitoring Delta-related tweets on Twitter, he says -- too bad it wasn't Delta.
Escalate
If the company is violating the law, you may need to contact the appropriate regulator. You'll need to do some research to find the right office (a Google search such as "Who regulates banks?" can get you started), but you can't necessarily count on results.
If you're having a problem with the government itself, the ultimate resource may be your local, state or federal representative. Many lawmakers pride themselves on taking care of their constituents on this grassroots level.
Then there's always the option of alerting the media. If the company's behavior has been particularly terrible or you think you might be part of a trend, you can seek out a sympathetic blogger or try contacting your local newspaper or television station to see if you can interest them in your plight.
If nothing else works, you can always hire a lawyer. It's not the easiest or most cost-effective way to get what you want, but sometimes it pays off. When a company is particularly entrenched in ignoring its consumers, sometimes that law firm letterhead is the only thing that will get their attention. For lawyers versed in consumer issues, visit the National Association of Consumer Attorneys at www.naca.net.
Get Smarter
Meanwhile, here are some other ways you can be a savvier consumer:
• Diversify your credit accounts so you have cards from different issuers. Get cards from at least two different lenders.
• Don't be afraid to close an occasional credit account if you have good scores and plenty of other open accounts and you won't be looking for a major loan in the next few months. Shuttering an account is sometimes the best way to get your message across.
• If you're not happy with your bank, consider switching to a credit union.
• Make sure your phone service still fits your needs. Drop unnecessary services and let Validas analyze your cell phone bill for possible savings.
• Check back two weeks before your trip to see if hotel or rental car costs have dropped, and rebook if so.
This was excerpted from "The 10 Commandments of Money" courtesy of Hudson Street Press, an imprint of Penguin.
Quoted: http://finance.yahoo.com/family-home/article/111981/how-to-fight-bad-customer-service
Your Heart Health: 13 Numbers Everyone Should Know
Your Heart Health: 13 Numbers Everyone Should Know
By Sarah Baldauf, USNews.com
Thu, Feb 03, 2011
A long life free of heart disease does not come just from controlling the standard measures like blood pressure and cholesterol. Sure, keeping tabs on these indicators is essential to gauging your heart's health, but a few other numbers—some surprising—can be meaningful as well.
It's awareness worth having. The American Heart Association noted in its annual review for 2010 that while the death rate due to cardiovascular disease in the United States fell between 1996 and 2006, the burden of the disease is still high. More than 1 in 3 deaths was related to heart disease in 2006.
U.S. News consulted with cardiology experts to round up the target numbers you should strive for to keep your ticker in good working condition over the long haul.
1. Alcohol intake
Those fond of tipple may be dismayed, but the science on alcohol as an agent to promote heart health is just not definitive. "If you have heart disease, alcohol plays no role in your medicine cabinet; if [you do] not, alcohol is not the right way to reduce your risk," says Jonathan Whiteson, director of the Cardiovascular Rehabilitation Program at New York University Langone Medical Center. Some research has suggested that drinking red wine may increase one's HDL, or "good" cholesterol, but Whiteson notes that the boost is minimal. "Exercise [offers] a better increase in HDL," he says.
While he's not against a drink in a social setting, it's certainly not something folks—especially those with heart disease—should engage in with the idea that it will offer a heart benefit, says Whiteson. In fact, medications' effectiveness can be either hampered or heightened by alcohol, sometimes to a dangerous extent. (Common herbal supplements can interact with heart drugs, too). And drinking too much can lead to high blood pressure or increased blood levels of triglycerides, a type of fat.
Bottom line: The American Heart Association suggests that otherwise healthy individuals who drink should do so in moderation. That is defined as one to two drinks per day for men and one drink per day for women. And be careful with that pour: The AHA defines a drink as one 12-ounce beer, a 4 ounce glass of wine, 1.5 ounce of 80-proof spirits, or 1 ounce of 100-proof spirits.
2. Salt intake
Some experts say that the pervasive use of sodium in the America diet is wreaking havoc on our cardiovascular systems. "Sodium causes retention of fluid within the circulation, and if you're sodium-sensitive, it expands your blood volume and can contribute to high blood pressure, stroke, and other heart disease," explains Clyde Yancy, medical director of the Baylor Heart and Vascular Institute at Baylor University Medical Center in Dallas and spokesman for the American Heart Association.
A report in the New England Journal of Medicine suggested that if Americans reduced daily salt intake by 3 grams, we could significantly lower the annual number of new cases of coronary heart disease (by between 60,000 and 120,000), stroke (by 32,000 to 66,000), heart attack (by 54,000 to 99,000), and even the number of deaths from any cause (by 44,000 to 92,000). The paper's authors noted previous research that showed the average American man consumes 10.4 grams of salt daily, while the average American woman gets 7.3 grams.
Bottom line: The AHA recommends Americans limit salt intake to 1.5 grams daily. Be wary: Sodium creeps in via unexpected sources, and it's not so much the salt shaker on our table that's to blame. Research suggests we get as much as 80 percent of our daily salt intake from processed foods.
3. Sugar intake
It's not just the savory flavors that'll get you; sweets, too, can ultimately become a cause for concern, says the American Heart Association. Like salt, sugar creeps into the processed foods that make up much of the American diet, and sweetened beverages—soda, juices, and sports drinks—are especially loaded with the stuff. Here's some disturbing math for you: A 12-ounce can of soda has about 8 teaspoons (or 33 grams) of added sugars, totaling about 130 calories. (A gram of sugar translates into 4 calories.)
A can of Coke or Pepsi, then, basically takes you to the AHA's new upper limit on the recommended amount of added sugar Americans should ingest on a daily basis. The association's primary concern is the number of excess calories that added sugars sneak into our diets and pile onto our waistlines, which can contribute to metabolic changes that increase the chances of developing a host of diseases.
Bottom line: According to the AHA, women should get no more than 100 calories per day of added sugars and men should stop at 150 calories per day.
4. Resting heart rate
How hard does your heart have to work—and how fast does it have to pump—to get oxygen-rich blood throughout your body? A lower number suggests your cardiovascular system is more efficient at doing this. Thus, a highly trained athlete can have a resting heart rate in the 40s, says Whiteson.
And while the research is still emerging on what one's resting heart rate predicts about heart disease risk, a picture is beginning to take shape. "There is certain evidence to support [the idea that] a higher resting heart rate is associated with heart disease," especially ischemic heart disease, he says, which involves reduced blood flow (and oxygen) getting to heart arteries and the heart muscle. This effect seems to be more pronounced in women than in men, but a study in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health suggested that in women up to the age of 70, every 10-beats-per-minute increase in resting heart rate boosted the risk of dying from ischemic heart disease by 18 percent. In men, the risk was increased by 10 percent for every extra 10 beats per minute, and age didn't have an impact. The study also found that women who got high levels of physical activity were able to reduce their risk of death considerably, compared with those who did little or no activity. The same effect was not found in men, but the researchers suggest the results may have been skewed because men tend to overestimate how much exercise they get.
Bottom line: A normal resting heart rate is between 60 and 100 beats per minute. Check yours by finding your wrist's pulse, counting the beats in a 15-second period, then multiplying by four.
5. Hours of sleep per night
An overcaffeinated America seems to perpetually crave more shut-eye. And evidence is cropping up to suggest that a poor night's sleep is not only felt the next day but could have implications for one's heart over the long term. It is well established that sleep apnea, which results in numerous interruptions to breathing while asleep, is associated with stroke and coronary artery disease.
The reason is not clear, says Whiteson, but it's been hypothesized that people with disrupted sleep breathing have higher blood pressure overall because they don't get the restorative sleep that normally allows blood pressure to go down and gives the cardiovascular system a break during slumber. And a study in the Journal of the American Medical Association showed that middle-aged people who got five hours of shut-eye or less a night had a greater risk of developing coronary artery disease than those who got eight hours. The clue was the beginnings of calcium buildup in their arteries, found by CT scanning long before the disease process would normally be picked up.
Bottom line: Get eight hours of sleep per night. Making it happen isn't easy, we know.
6. Exercise
You've heard it a thousand times over, and the message stays the same: Regular, heart-thumping exercise offers a multitude of health benefits, particularly for cardiovascular fitness. Perhaps clinicians (and health writers) keep bashing us over the head with that fact because of the eye-popping number of American adults who reported getting zero vigorous activity in a 2008 Centers of Disease Control and Prevention survey: 59 percent.
Bottom line: For a clean bill of health, the major health associations (including the AHA and the American College of Sports Medicine) suggest a minimum of 150 minutes of moderate-intensity physical activity each week—say, brisk walking that boosts your heart rate. This translates into 30 minutes of exercise on five days of the week. Twice-weekly strength training of eight to 10 exercises, up to 12 reps each, is also on their to-do list.
Whiteson at NYU Langone Medical Center suggests that those who don't have heart disease should bump that recommendation up to 60 minutes a day, five days a week of vigorous activity, where you're breathing pretty heavily and sweating. But he offers a concession: "You can break it up" into, say, three 20-minute sessions per day, since "the effect of aerobic exercise is cumulative." He also thinks those without heart disease should do strength training thrice weekly. Individuals with heart disease should always discuss a new exercise regimen with a doctor first, he says.
7. Cigarettes
A 2009 study of Norwegians found that heavy smokers—those who puff at least 20 cigarettes per day—were 2.5 times more likely to die over a 30-year period than nonsmokers. But the cardiovascular risks associated with smoking aren't just seen in chain smokers.
The more nuanced message that doesn't always get across is the risk that the occasional smoker is exposed to. Even 10 minutes of secondhand smoke exposure may affect cardiovascular function. Just because you might not smoke a pack a day or even a week doesn't mean you're in the clear. "There is no safe level of exposure" to tobacco smoke, says Yancy.
Bottom line To protect against heart disease (not to mention cancer, stroke, and reproductive problems), the goal is to smoke exactly zero cigarettes.
8. Blood sugar
Over time, high blood sugar levels associated with diabetes can damage nerves and blood vessels. This can spur the buildup of fat on blood vessel walls, which can impede blood flow and promote atherosclerosis. Having diabetes increases one's risk of cardiovascular disease considerably. Three quarters of those with diabetes die of heart or blood vessel disease.
Your body's ability to use glucose (blood sugar) properly can be tested by getting a fasting blood glucose test, which is a snapshot of your blood sugar at the time, or by getting a hemoglobin A1C test, which measures overall blood glucose over the previous three months. Both can be insightful. "There is data to suggest that there is a significant decrease in the risk of heart and vascular disease with every 1 percent reduction in hemoglobin A1C," says Whiteson.
Bottom line: The more controlled, the better. The normal range for a fasting blood glucose test is typically less than 100 milligrams per deciliter; prediabetes is indicated by a level between 100 and 125 mg/dL and diabetes by a reading of 126 mg/dL or above. A normal hemoglobin A1C level is below 6 percent, and those with diabetes should aim to keep it under 7 percent.
9. C-reactive protein
Inflammation is a process our body uses to fight off an assault, like a cold or injury, in order to heal. But over the long term, chronic inflammation plays a detrimental role to health because the nasty byproducts—inflammatory molecules like cytokines—are believed to be part of several disease processes, including atherosclerosis, obesity, and Alzheimer's disease. In the realm of heart disease, much ado has been made of c-reactive protein, a marker for one's level of inflammation that can be picked up through a blood test called hs-CRP, for high-sensitivity c-reactive protein.
Who should get the test, and what are doctors to do with the results? Those are matters of considerable debate. "We can't treat high [c-reactive protein]," says Whiteson. It's an indicator of potential heart trouble, but medicine doesn't have the tools, via medications or procedures, to bring an elevated c-reactive protein down to normal. It is possible, however, to directly treat other critical risk factors like high blood pressure and high cholesterol. Doing so can bring down the risk of future cardiac events and death. A landmark study from late 2008 found that subjects who did not have heart disease and had normal cholesterol and who took statins had a lower risk of heart attack and stroke and also had fewer angioplasties and bypass surgeries over the course of the study, compared with the group who took a placebo. But too many questions remain about the study to make a blanket statement that folks should be taking statins more liberally.
Bottom line: According to the American Heart Association, a hs-CRP measure of 1 mg/L means you are at low risk of developing cardiovascular disease, a measure between 1 and 3 mg/L means you are at average risk, and levels above 3 mg/L means your risk is high. Getting the test may be helpful, says Yancy, if you are at intermediate risk for heart disease based on other risk factors and your doctors would like another data point to determine treatment. But "there is no need to check CRP if a person already has high risk or truly is in the healthy bracket," he says.
10. Waist circumference
While not a direct measure of heart disease, a high waist circumference tracks with increased risk for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and diabetes—all of which have a direct impact on heart health. And the bigger the belly, the heavier one tends to be. Obesity, of course, is a well-known risk factor for a range of diseases, including heart disease.
Importantly, a higher waist circumference indicates distribution of fat around the abdomen and packing fat around vital organs, which research has indicated is more dangerous than carrying weight in the thighs or buttocks. Be sure you're measuring properly. The correct waist circumference measurement is taken by wrapping a measuring tape around the natural waist at the belly button, not around the hips.
Bottom line: Men should have a waist circumference of less than 40 inches. The figure for women is less than 35 inches.
11. Body mass index
Your weight matters, but it has to be considered in the context of how tall you are. Body mass index takes the two numbers into account. Like waist circumference, BMI is an indirect measure of risk, but a higher measure correlates with greater risk. The catch, however, is that it is not always entirely accurate. A person in excellent condition who has a lot of muscle mass may have a high BMI.
Too much excess weight is associated with diabetes, heart disease and stroke, some cancers, sleep apnea, osteoarthritis, fatty liver disease, and complications in pregnancy.
Bottom line: People with BMIs less than 18.5 are underweight. Target BMI range is between 18.5 and 24.9. Overweight is considered between 25 and 30, and a BMI above 30 puts you in the obese category.
12. Blood pressure
This one is critical to heart health. According to the National Heart Lung and Blood Institute, 1 in 3 Americans have high blood pressure. When a nurse wraps the cuff around your arm, she's taking a reading of the force on the walls of your arteries, which is subject to fluctuating pressure as the heart beats to push blood through your body. The trouble is, high blood pressure doesn't have any telltale symptoms, so a person might be living with hypertension unknowingly. Over the long haul, elevated blood pressure can damage organs and fuel a cascade of problems.
Action to lower blood pressure can include medications, but diet and exercise can really beat those numbers back into submission. The DASH diet (Dietary Approaches to Stop Hypertension)—high in veggies, fruit, fish, and whole grains but low in red meat fat and sugar—has been shown to lower blood pressure significantly. And research has suggested that the DASH diet packs an especially powerful wallop when people simultaneously work to reduce salt intake, a known blood pressure booster.
Bottom line: "The only number that really matters is 120 over 80," which is the cutoff for a normal blood pressure reading, says Yancy. The more one's blood pressure surpasses that level, the more damage to the vascular system, heart, and kidneys. The top number is called systolic blood pressure and is the measure of pressure while the heart beats. The bottom number is called diastolic and is the measure of pressure between heart beats. A reading above 120/80 but below 140/90 is considered prehypertension; anything above that is high blood pressure. Both require attention and steps to bring the blood pressure back under control.
13. Cholesterol
Your cholesterol level is a measure of the fats circulating in your bloodstream. With out-of-whack cholesterol levels comes greater risk for coronary artery disease and stroke. Reducing saturated fat, trans fat, cholesterol, and total fat can help bring down your cholesterol level. And exercise, says Whiteson, "is one pill that treats all ills. It can touch all risk factors for heart disease," including reducing weight, reducing stress, improving blood sugar profiles, bringing down high blood pressure, and lowering total cholesterol, lowering LDL (the "bad" cholesterol), increasing HDL (the "good" cholesterol), and lowering triglycerides, a type of fat in the blood.
Bottom line: You're aiming for total cholesterol below 200 mg/DL; above 240 mg/DL puts you at twice the risk of coronary artery disease as a person within the normal range. HDL should be above 40 mg/DL for men and above 50 mg/DL for women (women tend to have higher HDL before menopause); above 60 mg/DL is categorized as protective to your heart. LDL ideally should be below 100 mg/DL, though up to 129 mg/DL is near optimal. High LDL is considered 160 mg/DL or above. Triglycerides should be below 150 mg/DL; a measure above 200 mg/DL is considered high.
Quoted: http://health.yahoo.net/articles/heart/13-numbers-everyone-should-know
By Sarah Baldauf, USNews.com
Thu, Feb 03, 2011
A long life free of heart disease does not come just from controlling the standard measures like blood pressure and cholesterol. Sure, keeping tabs on these indicators is essential to gauging your heart's health, but a few other numbers—some surprising—can be meaningful as well.
It's awareness worth having. The American Heart Association noted in its annual review for 2010 that while the death rate due to cardiovascular disease in the United States fell between 1996 and 2006, the burden of the disease is still high. More than 1 in 3 deaths was related to heart disease in 2006.
U.S. News consulted with cardiology experts to round up the target numbers you should strive for to keep your ticker in good working condition over the long haul.
1. Alcohol intake
Those fond of tipple may be dismayed, but the science on alcohol as an agent to promote heart health is just not definitive. "If you have heart disease, alcohol plays no role in your medicine cabinet; if [you do] not, alcohol is not the right way to reduce your risk," says Jonathan Whiteson, director of the Cardiovascular Rehabilitation Program at New York University Langone Medical Center. Some research has suggested that drinking red wine may increase one's HDL, or "good" cholesterol, but Whiteson notes that the boost is minimal. "Exercise [offers] a better increase in HDL," he says.
While he's not against a drink in a social setting, it's certainly not something folks—especially those with heart disease—should engage in with the idea that it will offer a heart benefit, says Whiteson. In fact, medications' effectiveness can be either hampered or heightened by alcohol, sometimes to a dangerous extent. (Common herbal supplements can interact with heart drugs, too). And drinking too much can lead to high blood pressure or increased blood levels of triglycerides, a type of fat.
Bottom line: The American Heart Association suggests that otherwise healthy individuals who drink should do so in moderation. That is defined as one to two drinks per day for men and one drink per day for women. And be careful with that pour: The AHA defines a drink as one 12-ounce beer, a 4 ounce glass of wine, 1.5 ounce of 80-proof spirits, or 1 ounce of 100-proof spirits.
2. Salt intake
Some experts say that the pervasive use of sodium in the America diet is wreaking havoc on our cardiovascular systems. "Sodium causes retention of fluid within the circulation, and if you're sodium-sensitive, it expands your blood volume and can contribute to high blood pressure, stroke, and other heart disease," explains Clyde Yancy, medical director of the Baylor Heart and Vascular Institute at Baylor University Medical Center in Dallas and spokesman for the American Heart Association.
A report in the New England Journal of Medicine suggested that if Americans reduced daily salt intake by 3 grams, we could significantly lower the annual number of new cases of coronary heart disease (by between 60,000 and 120,000), stroke (by 32,000 to 66,000), heart attack (by 54,000 to 99,000), and even the number of deaths from any cause (by 44,000 to 92,000). The paper's authors noted previous research that showed the average American man consumes 10.4 grams of salt daily, while the average American woman gets 7.3 grams.
Bottom line: The AHA recommends Americans limit salt intake to 1.5 grams daily. Be wary: Sodium creeps in via unexpected sources, and it's not so much the salt shaker on our table that's to blame. Research suggests we get as much as 80 percent of our daily salt intake from processed foods.
3. Sugar intake
It's not just the savory flavors that'll get you; sweets, too, can ultimately become a cause for concern, says the American Heart Association. Like salt, sugar creeps into the processed foods that make up much of the American diet, and sweetened beverages—soda, juices, and sports drinks—are especially loaded with the stuff. Here's some disturbing math for you: A 12-ounce can of soda has about 8 teaspoons (or 33 grams) of added sugars, totaling about 130 calories. (A gram of sugar translates into 4 calories.)
A can of Coke or Pepsi, then, basically takes you to the AHA's new upper limit on the recommended amount of added sugar Americans should ingest on a daily basis. The association's primary concern is the number of excess calories that added sugars sneak into our diets and pile onto our waistlines, which can contribute to metabolic changes that increase the chances of developing a host of diseases.
Bottom line: According to the AHA, women should get no more than 100 calories per day of added sugars and men should stop at 150 calories per day.
4. Resting heart rate
How hard does your heart have to work—and how fast does it have to pump—to get oxygen-rich blood throughout your body? A lower number suggests your cardiovascular system is more efficient at doing this. Thus, a highly trained athlete can have a resting heart rate in the 40s, says Whiteson.
And while the research is still emerging on what one's resting heart rate predicts about heart disease risk, a picture is beginning to take shape. "There is certain evidence to support [the idea that] a higher resting heart rate is associated with heart disease," especially ischemic heart disease, he says, which involves reduced blood flow (and oxygen) getting to heart arteries and the heart muscle. This effect seems to be more pronounced in women than in men, but a study in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health suggested that in women up to the age of 70, every 10-beats-per-minute increase in resting heart rate boosted the risk of dying from ischemic heart disease by 18 percent. In men, the risk was increased by 10 percent for every extra 10 beats per minute, and age didn't have an impact. The study also found that women who got high levels of physical activity were able to reduce their risk of death considerably, compared with those who did little or no activity. The same effect was not found in men, but the researchers suggest the results may have been skewed because men tend to overestimate how much exercise they get.
Bottom line: A normal resting heart rate is between 60 and 100 beats per minute. Check yours by finding your wrist's pulse, counting the beats in a 15-second period, then multiplying by four.
5. Hours of sleep per night
An overcaffeinated America seems to perpetually crave more shut-eye. And evidence is cropping up to suggest that a poor night's sleep is not only felt the next day but could have implications for one's heart over the long term. It is well established that sleep apnea, which results in numerous interruptions to breathing while asleep, is associated with stroke and coronary artery disease.
The reason is not clear, says Whiteson, but it's been hypothesized that people with disrupted sleep breathing have higher blood pressure overall because they don't get the restorative sleep that normally allows blood pressure to go down and gives the cardiovascular system a break during slumber. And a study in the Journal of the American Medical Association showed that middle-aged people who got five hours of shut-eye or less a night had a greater risk of developing coronary artery disease than those who got eight hours. The clue was the beginnings of calcium buildup in their arteries, found by CT scanning long before the disease process would normally be picked up.
Bottom line: Get eight hours of sleep per night. Making it happen isn't easy, we know.
6. Exercise
You've heard it a thousand times over, and the message stays the same: Regular, heart-thumping exercise offers a multitude of health benefits, particularly for cardiovascular fitness. Perhaps clinicians (and health writers) keep bashing us over the head with that fact because of the eye-popping number of American adults who reported getting zero vigorous activity in a 2008 Centers of Disease Control and Prevention survey: 59 percent.
Bottom line: For a clean bill of health, the major health associations (including the AHA and the American College of Sports Medicine) suggest a minimum of 150 minutes of moderate-intensity physical activity each week—say, brisk walking that boosts your heart rate. This translates into 30 minutes of exercise on five days of the week. Twice-weekly strength training of eight to 10 exercises, up to 12 reps each, is also on their to-do list.
Whiteson at NYU Langone Medical Center suggests that those who don't have heart disease should bump that recommendation up to 60 minutes a day, five days a week of vigorous activity, where you're breathing pretty heavily and sweating. But he offers a concession: "You can break it up" into, say, three 20-minute sessions per day, since "the effect of aerobic exercise is cumulative." He also thinks those without heart disease should do strength training thrice weekly. Individuals with heart disease should always discuss a new exercise regimen with a doctor first, he says.
7. Cigarettes
A 2009 study of Norwegians found that heavy smokers—those who puff at least 20 cigarettes per day—were 2.5 times more likely to die over a 30-year period than nonsmokers. But the cardiovascular risks associated with smoking aren't just seen in chain smokers.
The more nuanced message that doesn't always get across is the risk that the occasional smoker is exposed to. Even 10 minutes of secondhand smoke exposure may affect cardiovascular function. Just because you might not smoke a pack a day or even a week doesn't mean you're in the clear. "There is no safe level of exposure" to tobacco smoke, says Yancy.
Bottom line To protect against heart disease (not to mention cancer, stroke, and reproductive problems), the goal is to smoke exactly zero cigarettes.
8. Blood sugar
Over time, high blood sugar levels associated with diabetes can damage nerves and blood vessels. This can spur the buildup of fat on blood vessel walls, which can impede blood flow and promote atherosclerosis. Having diabetes increases one's risk of cardiovascular disease considerably. Three quarters of those with diabetes die of heart or blood vessel disease.
Your body's ability to use glucose (blood sugar) properly can be tested by getting a fasting blood glucose test, which is a snapshot of your blood sugar at the time, or by getting a hemoglobin A1C test, which measures overall blood glucose over the previous three months. Both can be insightful. "There is data to suggest that there is a significant decrease in the risk of heart and vascular disease with every 1 percent reduction in hemoglobin A1C," says Whiteson.
Bottom line: The more controlled, the better. The normal range for a fasting blood glucose test is typically less than 100 milligrams per deciliter; prediabetes is indicated by a level between 100 and 125 mg/dL and diabetes by a reading of 126 mg/dL or above. A normal hemoglobin A1C level is below 6 percent, and those with diabetes should aim to keep it under 7 percent.
9. C-reactive protein
Inflammation is a process our body uses to fight off an assault, like a cold or injury, in order to heal. But over the long term, chronic inflammation plays a detrimental role to health because the nasty byproducts—inflammatory molecules like cytokines—are believed to be part of several disease processes, including atherosclerosis, obesity, and Alzheimer's disease. In the realm of heart disease, much ado has been made of c-reactive protein, a marker for one's level of inflammation that can be picked up through a blood test called hs-CRP, for high-sensitivity c-reactive protein.
Who should get the test, and what are doctors to do with the results? Those are matters of considerable debate. "We can't treat high [c-reactive protein]," says Whiteson. It's an indicator of potential heart trouble, but medicine doesn't have the tools, via medications or procedures, to bring an elevated c-reactive protein down to normal. It is possible, however, to directly treat other critical risk factors like high blood pressure and high cholesterol. Doing so can bring down the risk of future cardiac events and death. A landmark study from late 2008 found that subjects who did not have heart disease and had normal cholesterol and who took statins had a lower risk of heart attack and stroke and also had fewer angioplasties and bypass surgeries over the course of the study, compared with the group who took a placebo. But too many questions remain about the study to make a blanket statement that folks should be taking statins more liberally.
Bottom line: According to the American Heart Association, a hs-CRP measure of 1 mg/L means you are at low risk of developing cardiovascular disease, a measure between 1 and 3 mg/L means you are at average risk, and levels above 3 mg/L means your risk is high. Getting the test may be helpful, says Yancy, if you are at intermediate risk for heart disease based on other risk factors and your doctors would like another data point to determine treatment. But "there is no need to check CRP if a person already has high risk or truly is in the healthy bracket," he says.
10. Waist circumference
While not a direct measure of heart disease, a high waist circumference tracks with increased risk for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and diabetes—all of which have a direct impact on heart health. And the bigger the belly, the heavier one tends to be. Obesity, of course, is a well-known risk factor for a range of diseases, including heart disease.
Importantly, a higher waist circumference indicates distribution of fat around the abdomen and packing fat around vital organs, which research has indicated is more dangerous than carrying weight in the thighs or buttocks. Be sure you're measuring properly. The correct waist circumference measurement is taken by wrapping a measuring tape around the natural waist at the belly button, not around the hips.
Bottom line: Men should have a waist circumference of less than 40 inches. The figure for women is less than 35 inches.
11. Body mass index
Your weight matters, but it has to be considered in the context of how tall you are. Body mass index takes the two numbers into account. Like waist circumference, BMI is an indirect measure of risk, but a higher measure correlates with greater risk. The catch, however, is that it is not always entirely accurate. A person in excellent condition who has a lot of muscle mass may have a high BMI.
Too much excess weight is associated with diabetes, heart disease and stroke, some cancers, sleep apnea, osteoarthritis, fatty liver disease, and complications in pregnancy.
Bottom line: People with BMIs less than 18.5 are underweight. Target BMI range is between 18.5 and 24.9. Overweight is considered between 25 and 30, and a BMI above 30 puts you in the obese category.
12. Blood pressure
This one is critical to heart health. According to the National Heart Lung and Blood Institute, 1 in 3 Americans have high blood pressure. When a nurse wraps the cuff around your arm, she's taking a reading of the force on the walls of your arteries, which is subject to fluctuating pressure as the heart beats to push blood through your body. The trouble is, high blood pressure doesn't have any telltale symptoms, so a person might be living with hypertension unknowingly. Over the long haul, elevated blood pressure can damage organs and fuel a cascade of problems.
Action to lower blood pressure can include medications, but diet and exercise can really beat those numbers back into submission. The DASH diet (Dietary Approaches to Stop Hypertension)—high in veggies, fruit, fish, and whole grains but low in red meat fat and sugar—has been shown to lower blood pressure significantly. And research has suggested that the DASH diet packs an especially powerful wallop when people simultaneously work to reduce salt intake, a known blood pressure booster.
Bottom line: "The only number that really matters is 120 over 80," which is the cutoff for a normal blood pressure reading, says Yancy. The more one's blood pressure surpasses that level, the more damage to the vascular system, heart, and kidneys. The top number is called systolic blood pressure and is the measure of pressure while the heart beats. The bottom number is called diastolic and is the measure of pressure between heart beats. A reading above 120/80 but below 140/90 is considered prehypertension; anything above that is high blood pressure. Both require attention and steps to bring the blood pressure back under control.
13. Cholesterol
Your cholesterol level is a measure of the fats circulating in your bloodstream. With out-of-whack cholesterol levels comes greater risk for coronary artery disease and stroke. Reducing saturated fat, trans fat, cholesterol, and total fat can help bring down your cholesterol level. And exercise, says Whiteson, "is one pill that treats all ills. It can touch all risk factors for heart disease," including reducing weight, reducing stress, improving blood sugar profiles, bringing down high blood pressure, and lowering total cholesterol, lowering LDL (the "bad" cholesterol), increasing HDL (the "good" cholesterol), and lowering triglycerides, a type of fat in the blood.
Bottom line: You're aiming for total cholesterol below 200 mg/DL; above 240 mg/DL puts you at twice the risk of coronary artery disease as a person within the normal range. HDL should be above 40 mg/DL for men and above 50 mg/DL for women (women tend to have higher HDL before menopause); above 60 mg/DL is categorized as protective to your heart. LDL ideally should be below 100 mg/DL, though up to 129 mg/DL is near optimal. High LDL is considered 160 mg/DL or above. Triglycerides should be below 150 mg/DL; a measure above 200 mg/DL is considered high.
Quoted: http://health.yahoo.net/articles/heart/13-numbers-everyone-should-know
13 Things Your Mail Carrier Won’t Tell You.
13 Things Your Mail Carrier Won’t Tell You.
by Reader's Digest Magazine, on Wed Jan 26, 2011 8:12am PST
1. Maybe your dog won’t bite you. But in 2009, 2,863 of us were bitten, an average of nine bites per delivery day. That’s why I wince when your Doberman comes flying out the door.
2. Remember this on Valentine’s Day: It takes our machines longer to read addresses on red envelopes (especially if they’re written in colored ink).
3. Why stand in line? At usps.com, you can buy stamps, place a hold on your mail, change your address, and apply for passports. We even offer free package pickup and free flat-rate envelopes and boxes, all delivered right to your doorstep.
4. Media Mail is a bargain, but most of you don’t know to ask for it. Sending ten pounds of books from New York City to San Francisco through Media Mail costs $5.89, compared with $16.77 for Parcel Post. Besides books, use it to send manuscripts, DVDs, and CDs; just don’t include anything else in the package.
5. We don’t get a penny of your tax dollars. Really. The sale of postage, products, and services at our 36,000 retail locations, and on our website, covers all of the post office's operating expenses.
6. UPS and FedEx charge you $10 or more for messing up an address. Us? Not a cent.
PLUS: 15 Foods You Should Never Buy Again
7. Paychecks, personal cards, letters—anything that looks like good news—I put those on top. Utility and credit card bills? They go under everything else.
8. Sorry if I seem like I’m in a hurry, but I’m under the gun: Our supervisors tell us when to leave, how many pieces of mail to deliver, and when we should aim to be back. Then some of us scan bar codes in mailboxes along our route so they can monitor our progress.
9. Yes, we do have to buy our own stamps, but a lot of us carry them for customers who need them. If we don’t charge you, that’s because we like you.
10. Use a ballpoint pen. Ink from those felt tips runs in the rain.
PLUS: 20 Secrets Your Waiter Won't Tell You
11. Please dress properly when you come to the door. A towel wrapped around you doesn’t cut it. And we definitely don’t want to see you in your underwear!
12. We serve 150 million addresses six days a week, so we’re often in the right place at the right time. We pull people out of burning cars, catch burglars in the act, and call 911 to report traffic accidents, dead bodies, and more.
13. Most of us don’t mind if you pull up to our trucks while we’re delivering and ask for your mail a little early. But please get out of your car and come get it. Don’t just put your hand out your window and wait for me to bring it to you.
PLUS: 11 More Things Your Mail Carrier Won’t Tell You
Sources: Letter carriers in Missouri, New Jersey, and North Carolina; Fredric V. Rolando, president of the National Association of Letter Carriers; and a spokesman for the U.S. Postal Service.
–Michelle Crouch
quoted: http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/life/13-things-your-mail-carrier-won-t-tell-you-2445111/
by Reader's Digest Magazine, on Wed Jan 26, 2011 8:12am PST
1. Maybe your dog won’t bite you. But in 2009, 2,863 of us were bitten, an average of nine bites per delivery day. That’s why I wince when your Doberman comes flying out the door.
2. Remember this on Valentine’s Day: It takes our machines longer to read addresses on red envelopes (especially if they’re written in colored ink).
3. Why stand in line? At usps.com, you can buy stamps, place a hold on your mail, change your address, and apply for passports. We even offer free package pickup and free flat-rate envelopes and boxes, all delivered right to your doorstep.
4. Media Mail is a bargain, but most of you don’t know to ask for it. Sending ten pounds of books from New York City to San Francisco through Media Mail costs $5.89, compared with $16.77 for Parcel Post. Besides books, use it to send manuscripts, DVDs, and CDs; just don’t include anything else in the package.
5. We don’t get a penny of your tax dollars. Really. The sale of postage, products, and services at our 36,000 retail locations, and on our website, covers all of the post office's operating expenses.
6. UPS and FedEx charge you $10 or more for messing up an address. Us? Not a cent.
PLUS: 15 Foods You Should Never Buy Again
7. Paychecks, personal cards, letters—anything that looks like good news—I put those on top. Utility and credit card bills? They go under everything else.
8. Sorry if I seem like I’m in a hurry, but I’m under the gun: Our supervisors tell us when to leave, how many pieces of mail to deliver, and when we should aim to be back. Then some of us scan bar codes in mailboxes along our route so they can monitor our progress.
9. Yes, we do have to buy our own stamps, but a lot of us carry them for customers who need them. If we don’t charge you, that’s because we like you.
10. Use a ballpoint pen. Ink from those felt tips runs in the rain.
PLUS: 20 Secrets Your Waiter Won't Tell You
11. Please dress properly when you come to the door. A towel wrapped around you doesn’t cut it. And we definitely don’t want to see you in your underwear!
12. We serve 150 million addresses six days a week, so we’re often in the right place at the right time. We pull people out of burning cars, catch burglars in the act, and call 911 to report traffic accidents, dead bodies, and more.
13. Most of us don’t mind if you pull up to our trucks while we’re delivering and ask for your mail a little early. But please get out of your car and come get it. Don’t just put your hand out your window and wait for me to bring it to you.
PLUS: 11 More Things Your Mail Carrier Won’t Tell You
Sources: Letter carriers in Missouri, New Jersey, and North Carolina; Fredric V. Rolando, president of the National Association of Letter Carriers; and a spokesman for the U.S. Postal Service.
–Michelle Crouch
quoted: http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/life/13-things-your-mail-carrier-won-t-tell-you-2445111/
God's Beloved
You are God's beloved-His precious child. He knows you by name and waits patiently every day to spend time with you. Do you believe this for yourself? That the God of all creation would wait upon you so that He can hear your desires, struggles, laughter and sorrow.
You were called by grace and led to a Savior, and made a child of God and an heir of heaven! All this proves-does it not? -a very great and super-abounding love. Since that time, whether your path has been rough with troubles, or smooth with mercies, it has been full of proofs that you are greatly loved by God. If the Lord has chastened you, it was not in anger. If He has made you poor, in grace you have been rich. The more unworthy you feel yourself to be, the more evidence you have that nothing but unspeakable divine love could have led the Lord Jesus to save such a soul as yours! The more demerits you feel, the clearer is the display of the abounding love of God, in having chosen you, and called you, and made you an heir of bliss!
If you are able to believe in this truth and claim it as your own, it is about time that you use this privilege of having a great Father to influence the world. Should not everyone in the world know the loving grace and embrace their Heavenly Father? When was the last time you shared the message of His saving grace to someone in your life who does not know Him?
Living Life
You were called by grace and led to a Savior, and made a child of God and an heir of heaven! All this proves-does it not? -a very great and super-abounding love. Since that time, whether your path has been rough with troubles, or smooth with mercies, it has been full of proofs that you are greatly loved by God. If the Lord has chastened you, it was not in anger. If He has made you poor, in grace you have been rich. The more unworthy you feel yourself to be, the more evidence you have that nothing but unspeakable divine love could have led the Lord Jesus to save such a soul as yours! The more demerits you feel, the clearer is the display of the abounding love of God, in having chosen you, and called you, and made you an heir of bliss!
If you are able to believe in this truth and claim it as your own, it is about time that you use this privilege of having a great Father to influence the world. Should not everyone in the world know the loving grace and embrace their Heavenly Father? When was the last time you shared the message of His saving grace to someone in your life who does not know Him?
Living Life
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