Suggestive Professions + Others

Doctors -- "Take off your clothes."

Dentist -- "Open wide."

Hairdressers -- "Do you want it teased or blown?"

Milkmen -- "Do you want it in front or in back?"

Interior decorators -- "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."

Bankers -- "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."

Police officers -- "Spread 'em."

Mailmen -- "I've got a package for you."

Pilots -- "I take off fast, but bring it in slow and steady."

Hunters -- "I love going deep in the bush."

CHICKEN and EGG

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters to no one in particular, "Well, guess we answered THAT question!"



BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU DO

A boy was walking home one day, enraged by a beating he had taken from the school bully. As he crossed the yard, a chicken shot out in front of him and he kicked it.

His mother ran out of the house yelling, "I saw that, young man! You can’t have any chicken for a month!"

The boy was really mad now and headed to the barn. Thinking the coast was clear, he kicked the pig. His mother came out of nowhere, yelling, "I saw that! You can’t have any pork for two months!"

Just then the boy’s father pulled up on his tractor, steaming mad. As he dismounted, the cat ran out in front of him & he kicked it, sending it flying.

The boy spotted his mother heading in their direction, "Ma, you want to tell him or should I?

$5 Twinkie
A man and his wife were having sex, and when they finished he threw the condom out the window. The wife instantly yelled at him saying that a kid could find it.

The man went out looking for it but couldn't find it. Then, he saw a kid. He asked the kid if he might have found anything that belonged to him. The kid replied that he only found a Twinkie. The man offered $5 for the Twinkie.

When the kid returned home, his mom asked him where he got the money. He said, "I sold a Twinkie to a man, but the jokes on him, I sucked out the cream filling!"


10 Shots
This guy sits down at a bar and says to the Bartender, "Give me 10 shots of Tequila. Just line 'em up right here!"

The Bartender looks at him and says, "Man, that's a lot of Tequila, can I ask why you want so many shots?"

The guy replies, "I just had my first blow job!"

The Bartender says, "ALRIGHT! Tell you what, the eleventh ones on me!"

The guy says, "Naw, if ten shots of Tequila don’t get the taste outta my mouth, nothing will!"


100 and 1
There is an ongoing conference on sex education in a jam-packed 400-seat auditorium. The current lecturer is addressing the standing-room-only audience on the various ways of making love. He says, "Before I begin, I would like to know from you the audience how many lovemaking positions there are. Let's start with the gentleman in the front row. You, sir, and how many positions do you know of?"

The man clears his throat and says in a low voice, "Around seven."

"Hmm... okay," says the lecturer. "Anyone else?"

Then a loud voice from the back of the audience booms, "One hundred and one!"

Since the lecturer cannot see who has made that remark, he lets it pass and turns to the man on the third row. "You sir, the one with the glasses in the third row. How many positions do you know of?"

The bespectacled man fidgets a bit and says abruptly, "Eleven."

"That's interesting," comments the lecturer. Then the same loud voice calls out, "One hundred and one!"

Still the lecturer ignores the persistent kibitzer as he turns his attention on a blonde girl in the second row. He says, "Young lady, how many positions do you know of?"

The girl hesitates a bit but the lecturer gently encourages her until she says in a small voice, "One."

"Only one? I find that a bit strange. And what is that?"

"Man on top of woman," says the uneasy girl. This time the same loud voice hollers, "One Hundred and Two!"

2 Boys Talking
Funny boy: Hey, do you know what the girl said to her boyfriend, when he asked her, if he could sleep with her?

Annoyed boy: No

Funny boy: Right!! Do you know what the girl said when her boyfriend asked her, if he could sleep with her?

Annoyed boy: Not again

Funny boy: Right!!! Do you know what the girl said to her boyfriend, when he asked if he could sleep with her?

Annoyed boy: Hey, this is the third time! It's enough now! Leave me alone!

Funny boy: Right!!!!

2 Dead Monkeys and a Little Old Lady
A little old lady had two monkeys for years. One day one of them died of natural causes. In grief, the second monkey passed away two days later. Not knowing what to do with them, she finally decided to take them to the taxidermist and have them stuffed.

After telling the owner of her wishes, he asked her, "Do you want them mounted?"

Blushing, she said, "No. Shaking hands will be fine."


2 fleas
Two fleas meet on Miami Beach every year, a warm flea and a cold flea. The warm flea is always there with the Stones on the radio, cooler full of Bud and suntan oil on, while the cold flea shows up shivering.

The warm flea asks, "Why do you always show up shivering?" The cold flea replies, "I come from N.Y.C. so I jump in a biker's beard and head down to Miami when the leaves turn color. The wind going through his beard makes me cold! To this the warm flea replies, "You're doing it all wrong, if you're from N.Y.C. go down Fifth Ave., find a beauty parlor, find a Jewish broad and climb up her leg and hide, next thing you know the leaves turn and you're on a plane to Miami, nice and warm like me."

Next year comes around and there's the warm flea, cooler full of Bud, Stones on the radio and all and here comes the cold flea shivering. The warm flea says, "What happened? I thought I told you what to do?"

"You did," says the cold flea, "and I listened, I went down Fifth Ave., into the beauty parlor, up the broad's leg and went to sleep. NEXT THING I KNOW I'M IN SOME BIKERS BEARD GOING DOWN I-95!!!!!"


2 Italians on a Bus
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one last-a time."

"You foul mouthed swine!" said the lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey coola down lady," said the man. "Who talking' about-a sex-a? I'm-a just-a telling my friend-a how to spell-a Mississippi."


3 Coded Messages for Mrs. Smith
Mrs. Smith has three daughters who are all getting married within the same month. She tells each one of her daughters to write back about their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to using newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the mother know how their love lives are going.

The first one gets married and the second day a telegram arrives with a single message, simply: "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE".

Mrs. Smith gets the newspaper and checks the Maxwell Coffee House advertisement, and it says: "Satisfaction to the last drop..." So, Mrs. Smith is happy.

Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there is a postcard that reads: "ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES". So, Mrs. Smith looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says: "FULL SIZE, KING SIZE" And Mrs. Smith is happy.

Then it is the third one's wedding. Mrs. Smith is anxious because two weeks have passed and still no message from the third daughter. Then after four weeks comes a letter with the message:
"BRITISH AIRWAYS".

And Mrs. Smith looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she faints. The ad reads:
"THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."

4 Bells
Fireman comes home from work talking about the new system they have a work.
1 Bell, put on their clothes,
2 Bells, slide down the pole,
3 Bells, Jump on the truck and ride to the Fire.

The wife says, "That sounds good, why don't we set up something at home?" They do.

The next day he comes home and decides to try the system.
1 Bell, they jump out of their clothes,
2 Bells, they jump in the bed,
3 Bells, they make love.

All goes well until the wife screams, "4 BELLS!"

The fireman asked, "What is 4 Bells?" and she replies,
"MORE HOSE!!!"


50th Wedding Anniversary
A couple goes back to their original honeymoon hotel for a celebration of their 50th wedding anniversary.

After all the family festivities they retire to the original room they stayed in on their honeymoon night 50 years prior.
The woman is done with her bathroom antics and her husband takes her place for his turn to get ready.

The elderly man takes quite awhile in the bathroom, as is his norm, and his wife spends the time figuring out the best way to look the most seductive when he comes back out of the bathroom.

She tries on several nighties, some pajamas, sexy undies, and a nice teddy with lace trim. Finally she decides that naked and ready would be the best bet, so she lies back on the bed and aims her lower torso towards the bathroom door. As soon as the door to the bathroom opens she raises her legs in the air and spreads them.

Her husband steps into the room, takes one look at his wife and immediately bursts into racking sobs.

"Aw, honey. What's wrong? Do you love me so much it brings you to tears?" she asks.

"No," he sobs, "Fifty years ago I couldn't wait to eat that. Now it looks like it wants to eat me!"


A Change of Heart
Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date were naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart.

"I suppose you're going to tell me now that you're waiting for 'Mr. Right'," he said dejectedly.

"That's a silly old romantic notion," laughed the coed. "I'm just waiting for Mr. Big."

A child of variety
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband," she replies.

"OK, do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either."

"Do you have a partner then?"

"No, I'm unattached; I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth, the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that your baby is black"

"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that your baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see, I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, so what else could I do?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."

"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a Chinese man also in the movie; I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately gives her baby a slap on the butt. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl, extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."
A Diet Pill, Too?
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?" she asks.

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of homemade soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires.

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the store and buy him some food. Would he like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe he'd like a pizza microwaved or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes?

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm starving."


A Dog Named Sex
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand.....I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied,--You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy Sex at the wedding. My family is barred from that church from that day on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is for sex. I said, "You don't understand.... sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should've sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The judge said "Me Too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex."--My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but not it has left me forever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."


A Family Decision
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."

A Honeymoon Bet
A Frenchman and a Canadian are checking into a hotel, and it's obvious that each is on his honeymoon.

The Frenchman says, "I bet I will make love to my new wife tonight more times than you will. The loser will buy breakfast. You have until 9am tomorrow morning." The Canadian accepts the challenge and they hurry to their rooms.

The Canadian gets down to business. After an exhausting love-making session with his wife, the Canadian scratches a "1" into the bed-post and falls fast asleep. He wakes a couple of hours later, and remembering the bet, makes love with his new bride once again. Again, he marks the bed-post with another "1" and falls into a deep slumber. He wakes just before 9am, and realizing he only has a few more minutes, gets down to business and once again scratches another "1" into the bed-post after he's done. Just then there's a knock on the door.

It's the Frenchman. He asks, "Well, how did you do?" The Canadian points proudly to the marks on the bed-post.

"Sacre bleu!" says the Frenchman, "One hundred and eleven! You beat me by two!"


A Little Drugstore Humor
A man of about 60 asked the young lady at the drugstore checkout for a box of lubricated condoms.

"What size are you, Sir?" she asked.

"I didn't know they came in different sizes, Miss. I'm not sure what size I take."

"Well, just a moment, Sir, I can check", and she came around the counter, unzipped his fly, took hold of him and said into the microphone "Box of extra-large condoms to the checkout, please." A stock boy brought the condoms, the gentleman paid, and left.

A short time later, another man asked the young lady for a pack of ribbed condoms. "Yes, Sir, what size are you?"

"I..I'm not sure", stammered the customer.

"Well, let's be sure" said the young lady, "we don't want them slipping off at the wrong time, do we", and she came around the counter, unzipped his fly, felt him approvingly and said into the microphone "Box of large ribbed condoms to the checkout, please." The man paid and left.

Still later, a young fellow about 16 came in, looked around and asked the checkout girl for a pack of condoms. "OK," she said, "What size are you?"

"I dddon't know" he stuttered, blushing.

"Well, no problem, we'll just check you out" said the young lady as she came around the counter, unzipped his fly, felt him appraisingly and said into the microphone, "Cleanup at the checkout, please."


A Little Head!
A couple of guys are sitting in a bar and notice this big muscular guy with this real little head. They try to talk each other into going over and asking him how it is possible that his body is so massive and his head is so little, but are afraid because it is quite obvious that this man spends a lot of time at the gym. As the night goes on they get slightly intoxicated and one of them gets brave enough to go over and ask him.

He approaches the strapping' dude and tells him that he and his buddies are quite curious as to why his head is so little and the rest of his body is so large. The guy explains to them that while cleaning out his mother's attic one day he stumbled upon this bottle. He tried to clean it up a bit by rubbing the dirt off of it, and a beautiful genie appeared -- the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on. She told him that she had been in the bottle for over 70 years, and would like to thank him for releasing her by granting him one wish.

He told her that she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and that his wish would be for her to have sex with him. Slightly offended, she replied, "I am sorry, but I am unable to grant that wish." He then asked her, "Ok, then I'd like to wish for a hand job." She replied indignantly, "Again, I am sorry. I am not able to grant that wish." Feeling frustrated, he responded, "Well I guess a little head is out of the question?"