Begining of 2nd week...

After a week of preparation, here comes 2nd week of prayer and fasting.....to hear God. 1. The last straw that breaks the Camel Back. The transistion of controlled emotional thinking, with the mind controlling the ouput of emotional energy. The funneling of such enormous energy that has being stored up, or just being created and not released as only via the shedding of tears. This process is a learned process. It is not something that happens overnight but through a long period of time. There was something that I followed and was willing to try via other minor means that I can recall. This without a specific timing as I learnt to express my emotion out. However there was an incident that brought me beyong my emotion and mental floodgate control. That is after my 4 months probation at Singapore Red Cross which, not entirely a pure life to lead, I gave all that I have and just didn't make the mark. It was a incubation time. A incubation of extremes thoughs and emotional energy which I was not able to express. I didn't attend service nor cell group. I just wanted to stay alone. Then I was already sort of influenced by the teaching of rely on self and not to rely on others. Be independent. Thus I didn't look for another for any sort of help or aid. I just kept everything to myself. It just started to bottle up. And my mum, being anxious and unsure. Just did the usual. Asking......limiting....reminding....advicing....digging information out.... As for me, I was just running away, hidding somewhere, emotional. Trying to reflect and recover. Indugling into pain-numbing activities. Even at this moment, I just don't dare to type it here on my personal Blog. A not so private blog now, I know in my heart what it is. Just to put it down in words is so difficult. How to word it in the way that I can accept is really more difficult than I thought. Perhaps I will need to spend more time redefining that moment again with knowing what words to use. Packaging....yup that is what I always like to do...packaging it in the word it encompass the core teaching and learning experience that God allowed, or I caused it to happen. There is all for tonight....I will continue tomorrow....Looks like there is a deep deep deep valley to walk through....Thy staff and rod will comfort me.