3 dating hurdles tall women face
By Elizabeth Roehrig
There I was, sitting with a friend on a Friday night, when we noticed a couple of hip and handsome guys sitting next to us. Witty banter ensued between me and the Casey Affleck lookalike and things were looking promising… that is, until we both stood up to pick a few songs from the jukebox. It was the moment of truth, and yep, at almost 5’10”, I was a couple of inches taller than him. I could feel him sizing me up, and our sizzle from a moment ago beginning to fizzle.
If you’re in the “tall girl” club like me, you’ve probably experienced this scenario. And while dating for women like us may have its inherent challenges, they’re not ones that we can’t overcome. Let our stories and advice serve as a little inspiration.
Hurdle #1: Fewer men approach tall women
Many of my tall friends, myself included, are very open to dating shorter men — the problem is often that they steer clear of us, thinking that we’re “too tall” given the expectation that guys must loom over their dates. Patricia Barba, 34, of Greenwich, CT, who’s just shy of six feet, had a male coworker spell out to her why she’s so often left on the sidelines. “We were at our holiday party, and a coworker who’s around my height asked if I’d like to dance. I said yes and mentioned that not many men ask me to dance, and he said it’s because men must find my height imposing. That was hard to hear!” Other times, men aren’t so straightforward and their preferences come across in the form of a subtler snub. “When I’m out on weekends, I’m the one who talks to all the guys and gets the conversation going,” says Richelle, 27, who’s six feet tall and from Boston. “But usually at the end of the evening, the guy I’ve been talking to will say, ‘Who’s your friend?’ And inevitably the girl he’s interested in is one of my shorter pals.”
Unexpected upside: The guys who do hit on us tend to be great catches
While being overlooked as dating material due to our height can be frustrating, there is a benefit to this situation as well. Because, you see, the shorter men who do hit on us are definitely worth their salt. “I recently dated a guy who is an inch shorter than me, but his personality and confidence made him seem taller,” says Patricia. “He seemed really self-assured, which put me at ease and made our height difference seem like a non-issue. I think generally that guys who go for taller women are pretty dynamic individuals.” In other words, look at your height as a gatekeeper that only allows the truly worthy shorter men into your inner circle. Mary, 27, from Woodbridge, NJ, is 5’8” and has dated a handful of shorter men, including her current boyfriend. “Since they don’t have the height that a lot of girls look for, these guys develop other, more meaningful qualities, such as kindness, humor, and consideration,” she says… which ultimately makes for a better boyfriend. “While a shorter man might not be my first choice, if he’s much more interested in me and attentive to my needs, who can say no to that?” Mary asks.
Hurdle #2: Few men meet our own height requirements
While many tall women are perfectly happy to date shorter guys, some of us, I admit, aren’t always so thrilled about it. And as a result, we often limit our own prospects and have no one to blame but ourselves for long dry spells between dates. “I would go out all the time and find only one or two guys that I considered to be good prospects because of my ‘height restriction,’” says Sarah, 5’10”, of Reading, MA. “I was only looking for guys 6’1” and over, because it just seems more natural for the man to be taller than the woman.” Of course, we know we should give shorter guys a chance, but it’s tough to change your own perception (let alone society’s) that the guy should tower over his gal. “You grow up with this notion that the man should be bigger than the woman so he can protect her,” explains Erin, 26, 6’2”, of Richmond, VA.
Unexpected upside: Tall women learn to recognize what really makes a relationship work
While tastes and attraction are hard to change, sooner or later, many tall women are forced to accept a valuable truth that often eludes other daters: that they should jettison the more superficial traits on their “wish list” for a partner — whether that’s being 6’2”, having a full head of hair or possessing six-pack abs. “While I used to believe that a man needed to be taller than me for me to feel safe, I know now that isn’t true,” says Erin, who ultimately fell for a man three inches shorter. “When I first met my now-husband, I thought he was cute, but I never thought we’d end up together due to the height difference. But we had a real connection and I know now that’s what counts.”
Hurdle #3: Once you’re dating a shorter guy, there’s a whole new host of problems
OK, so you’ve gotten over your own “He’s got to be taller than me” hangups and have hit it off with a guy who’s largely fine with the fact that you’ve got some inches over him. But even then, you’re not in the clear. For starters, try walking into a room together; you’re bound to get some odd looks. “I once dated someone shorter. He said it didn’t matter to him, but people couldn’t help but comment on it and make some pretty embarrassing jokes,” says Richelle. “Once we were asked if he stood on the curb to kiss me!” To keep the wisecracks to a minimum, many women abandon their heels in favor of flats. But even then, the undue attention can sometimes be unbearable.
Unexpected upside: You learn to stop caring what other people think
Know that phrase, “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger?” That also applies in this scenario: sooner or later, most tall women who date shorter men develop a Teflon coating. They stop caring if people point at them walking down the street together or if friends and family members make height jokes. They learn that all that really matters is whether you like the guy and whether he likes you. Six-foot-tall Ciana Clarke, 40, of Tallahassee, FL, may have felt awkward when she first began dating her shorter husband, but that soon changed. “His family and friends would tease him about his height rather than mine and say that he was lucky to land me, but he never let their cracks bother him,” she recalls. “He made me feel like a treasure and celebrated my difference more than anything else. I was proud of my height before we met, but his love and acceptance have made me feel more comfortable with our four-inch height difference.” And there’s no reason to relegate your high heels to the back of the closet when you have a self-confident guy in your corner. “My husband is really the one that made me start to embrace my height,” says Erin. “Before I met him, I don’t think I owned one pair of heels — now I can’t get enough of them. My man loves me for all that I am, height included!”
Elizabeth Roehrig has written for Redbook and other publications. For the other side of the story, read 3 dating challenges for short guys.
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2 comments:
I was reading your blog, and I had to write about my experiences in trying to meet and date tall girls, so as to offer a shorter male’s point of view.
When I was 24, I met a divorced woman, 32 who was 5’11”. I was 5’8”. It was a brief affair, but I just could not get over her long legs and curvy broad hips. She possessed a tapered waist which only accented her curvy hips ever further. Because of her, I developed an appreciation for long legs and the natural curvy hips of a tall woman.
I moved into a singles apartment complex in Houston. In this apartment complex, there was a loose knit group of single men and women. In this singles group was Heidi, 5’11”, early 20’s, blonde hair and blue eyes. I remember one time she was standing before me at the complex pool, while I was sitting in a chair. She was wearing a white 2 piece bikini. I looked up through her long tanned legs to those broad hips, and my memories came back. Anyways, in the few times we talked, she never expressed any interest in me, so that was that.
One Saturday, during the summer while at another pool in the same complex, I was chill’en with 2 or 3 other guys, when another man I knew walked up to us and mentioned that he had proposed to Heidi. She had turned him down, and he wanted anyone in the group who knew her, to put a good word in with her, for him. To say the least, we were all stunned that a guy would say this to a group of acquaintances. A few months later, while at my pool, I overheard two girls talking about Heidi turning down two other men. I do not know if these girls were talking out of envy or were mocking the two men, but this showed that Heidi was getting the attention of men. (Fast forward 12 years, one child and one divorce later.) A friend of mine wanted me to join a singles dating organization. I said before I join, I want to see what some of the girls in the organization looked like. He obtained about 20 biographies with photos of the women. It must have been photo 8 or 9, but there was Heidi. Her name appeared on the top of the page, with her photo below and two paragraphs about her life. I remember this one phrase, 34 years old, never married, no children.
I thought, how could this be? If she were not the most desirable girl in a social gathering, she certainly was one of the more desirable girls. Three men offered to marry her, and there must have been more. This made me wonder how other women had squandered their youth and fertility because of the obsession for a tall man? I can recall 2 women telling me to my face they wanted a taller man, and there were other rejections, too.
I am now married, with sons 11, 7 and 3 along with a son 22 from my first marriage. I am a good father and husband. I give my boys attention and time. They have electric motorcycles, pedal carts, bikes and all sorts of video games. I have traveled to 22 counties and 20-30 states across the US. I have 3 degrees, and I have co-authored a US patent. I have made over 6 figures for 10 plus years. I could have provided a good life to any girl. I wanted a taller girl because of the physical turn on and to for fill one of my desires, yet not one single tall girl (20’s) gave me a chance. I was turned down consistently without a second thought.
So, if you find yourself in your late 20’s or early 30’s with no prospect of a husband or children in the immediate future, you have no one to blame but yourself, just as Heidi discovered. There were men like me, who wanted a leggy female, but they, like me, were never accorded the opportunity. So my advice would be to accept the advances of men and get to know them. Throw away the yardstick, for you may find someone like me, who would love to share his life and love with a tall girl.
Great. Thanks for sharing your story. I believe other will be blessed and have their prespective broaden with this honest sharing.
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